The Most Insane Thing I Ever Wrote
Okay, so let me give you a little background on this, not like it's going to make sense even with the background, but at least you'll get a couple of the references to things in reality then. I have a friend named Kari, who I like to crack on for having slept with several hundred men. Whether that's true I ain't fucking saying. Now, when I met Kari several years ago she was a strikingly down-ass crazy bitch. The good kind, not the bad kind. We always had fun together because we would just delve into complete and utter nonsense and it was funny. Then about a year ago Kar started to feeling the pressure of aging and decided to settle down. I know, what a pussy. So she got an apartment with her boyfriend Chris, who's a good dude, instead of being semi-homeless as she was for the first year or so I knew her, and started working a lot instead of being bankrupt, and before you knew it her primary recreation had become an online fantasy role-playing game called World of Warcraft (WoW to the dorks that live it). It quickly took over her whole life, and before you knew it she was a regular Nor or Lukowitz, dropping mentions of shit her character had acquired or how it looked into otherwise normal conversations. So, I started giving her massive bags of shit for it. What follows was going to be a comment to something she'd posted on her livejournal that somehow had to do with WoW. It's initial conception in my mind was something relatively simple, I think. Hard to tell because I happened to write it early one morning when I'd been up all night, possibly longer, and probably with 7 or 8 cups of coffee and an unhealthy dose of amphetamine in my stomach/mucous membrane. For those of you who aren't familiar with how my writing changes under those circumstances, you're about to become so. I stumbled across it recently while reading over all my random bits and pieces of writing, and after rereading it I was completely fucking astounded at how ludicrous it went. I think it's impressive if only as an example of lunacy. Enjoy.
Krazy Kari Komments
Who told you I said you're a bitch?
If you can't tell, I'm in one of my silly imaginary worlds. But, you know, just in my head, not across the net. It's a lonelier world, but mostly because you kill things way more frequently in my brain than in any dungeon &/or dragon. Almost every time someone joins my party they get killed very quickly by massive trauma to the anus while sleeping. I swear, when I get my hands on whatever monster it is that keeps somehow sneaking into our fortified hut in the middle of the night and stuffing walnuts in their ass until they die is gonna get it. And somehow I--um, I mean the person, or rather monster, yes, monster is what we're going with and we're going to stick with it--anyway, the monster always manages to break in without any evidence of forced entry while I'm taking my nightly triple-alibi walk. I really don't know what happens cause I'm always careful to lock the door behind them, I mean behind me. As I'm leaving. Yes, locking the door behind them, fuck, ME as I leave to ensure that nothing can get out alive, I mean IN. Alive. While I take my walks. Walks verified by these sworn affidavits from various bribable lowlifes, fuckfuckfuck, I mean... upstanding republicans. Shit, you know, I'm not sure that this reads very convincingly. When I dictated this to you, did you type in every word I said, including the ones I didn't mean to say? Speak up slave, or I'm firing you as my secretary and you know what that means--you get bent back over the pommel horse, I slip on my squirrel suit, grab the walnuts, and then it's time for this little squirrel to hoard some food in his favorite tree. If I were you, slave, I'd be careful to go back and remove any incriminating parts to this comment before you post it for everyone to see. Otherwise I might decide that it looks like winter's coming. That's right. A long, cold, bleak winter. And just like Christmas, there'll be rectal bleeding involved. Wait, no, I don't mean Christmas. Fuck. Which is the holiday about anal? What the fuck do you mean there's no anal holiday? There totally is. Yeah, you know, it's a big family thing with a turkey and canberry sauce. What berry? No, it's called CANBERRY, dumbfuck. Cause the berries are shaped like cans, obviously. What's so funny? Yeah, the berries are the shape of large aluminum cans, hence canberries and hence canberry sauce. It's evolution. The berries grow that way to... increase... consumer friendliness. And photosynthesis. Stop laughing. If you don't stop laughing, you're gonna be a canberry tree, got it? THANKSGIVING, now I remember. Yes, anal. Of course with my family, everybody celebrates Thanksgiving with their family, what are you, some kind of retard or something? Oh, oh you are? Oh. Hmm, that sure does explain a lot. So then... what kind of retard are you? "Fat" isn't a kind of retard, retard, it's just "fat retard" is, like... a common usage. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's in Webster's. No, Webster just added it last year, I think. I'd let you look it up but a fat retard like you probably doesn't know the alphabet. Yes, I realize you're typing 60 words per minute, and no I don't agree that even a dumbfuck could see that proves you know the alphabet. You could be a fat idiot savant. Right, a fat secretarial savant. No I will not get you a little plaque for your desk with your job title on it, you don't even have a job title, you're my slave. Absolutely not. Because I'm not going to promote you from slave to Fat Administrative Assistant Retard just so you can have a little plaque. I think I'd have to give you medical coverage then. Tell you what, how about I promote you to Dumbfuck and get you that plaque? Dumbfuck? One word. Look it up if you don't believe me. It's in there. If not Webster's, then probably Oxford. Derives from the Olde English word "dumfack." Yes it does. It's in Beowulf. No, in the original unedited version. It was actually Grendel's dying words to Beowulf. I swear. I'm not lying. I am not, goddammit, and I can get three affadavits to back me up. They'll be on your desk tomorrow. Tomorrow. Cause I'm going to be picking some up tonight anyway. Huh? Oh, no, no, I'm not arranging an alibi for tonight. I just need some affadavits. No reason. For real. They're to... settle some other literary disputes. No foolin'. I'll swear an affadavit on it, three if you really don't believe me. Okay then, type them up as soon as we're done with this reply to Kari's livejournal. I dunno, some crap about a video game where she's an elf. You play that shit too? Alright, tell you what--if you bang Kari's character I'll make you Dumbfuck, plaque and all. What do you mean you already fucked her? In World of Warcraft or real life? Her character in Wow has to still be close enough to unplowed. Real life is an MMP unto itself, I think. Huh? Oh, it stands for Massively MultiPlayer. No, I wasn't seriously suggesting that she did a lot of multiplayer work. I don't know. I'd guess some. HOW many in WoW? Lord have mercy. With her what? They actually have a skill for that? It sounds like you're typing this, are you typing this? We're 100 percent clear that you're not going to type things I say to you, like the things I'm saying to right now, right? Great. I'm sure if this got posted to her livejournal Kari would go psycho in the unfun way again and somehow break my ribcage using only her kegels. Even Pam Grier would back the fuck up. Say, they don't happen to have any sodomy-with-foreign objects-oriented job classes, do they? Oh well. At least OZ caters to my tastes. The new job is official when you get me an affadavit confirming the porkage. Yeah, one from you, one from her, and at least one of the guys watching. Um... partial dental after ninety days. Listen, really, it's not worth it, our policy is to transfer you to the Walnut-Riddled Corpse division before your benefits kick in, and it's a 15 percent pay cut. Still? Christ. I don't know, what would my clients think when they saw it? Clients. Just because you don't get paid doesn't mean it's not a job. The work is its own reward. Sexual torture-murder is SO an occupation. Fucking college boys, you're all the same--just because you have two P.H.D.s from Harvard and Standford respectively you think that you can look down on us self-made men. Lotta good those degrees are doing you now, huh? Maybe you should've taken a couple classes on Chaos Theory As It Applies To Three Pounds Of Walnuts Being Shoved Up Your Ass, or do they only offer that at the low-class pedestrian community college I attended? God you're a dumbfuck, you dumb fuck (first dumbfuck one word, second one two. And put this aside in parentheses. No, wait, you shouldn't be typing this at all. Right? I hear typing. You've stopped typing, right? Seriously. You're going to erase all the stuff I said to you and only paste the beginning, right? Your career depends on it. Listen Tree, if you screw me on this, I'm going to release a real squirrel up your trunk, and he's going to think he died and went to heaven. Heaven Intestines. Then, once the squirrel is actually up your ass--except for the tail, we'll leave that sticking out and take pictures, it'll be such a giggle when I mail them home to your kids for you, er, rather you'll have many years of living and probably seeing them again in which to decide whether or not to show the Sphincter Squirrel to your kids. But this is not the real threat yet, for you see... when the squirrel is comfy up there, cracking open walnuts, scratching around, having a good time, I'm going to make him seriously unhappy with the help of a broomhandle. Maybe. I'm not sure if it'll go, but I'd take a shot. If not, just have to find something smaller. One of your drumsticks, perhaps, that could do. Or your toothbrush. I'll bet those bristles brushing back and forth deep in his digestive system would cause some seriously nifty dancing in yours. I think we'll definitely want to starve the squirrel too, maybe get its claws sharpened. Squirrel claws are so small to begin with, though. Maybe we're just have them removed. What in the hell are you so happy about, Dumbfuck? Oh, I didn't mean that we'd leave him declawed, that's no use, no, I was thining what if we had them removed and replaced with bigger, sharper ones. With barbs on the end. While we're at it, rows of baby shark teeth. Fuck yeah, dude, this w0uld be so awesome. Thinking about the killer squirrel I'm gonna build is giving me such a boner I HAVE to go beat off. You finish up the post, just delete everything but the beginning, be careful not to fuck up or I'm bringing in real squirrels. Shit man, I gotta get started breeding and altering them soon, I'm so excited I can't wait! What's that? Oh... right, there will be no actual live squirrels up your ass as long as you don't fuck this up. I guess. If you really don't want to help in the creation of something so wonderful, then fine. Not exactly normal behavior for a Dumbfuck that might be looking for another promotion at some point as opposed to just awaiting a painful and oh so nutty death. But if you hang on and work hard and get that promotion, not only will I give you medical... treatment, but also another title
The End
Now don't you wish that you'd just bailed when you saw that dense introduction instead of pressing forward? Suffer. By the time I'd written all of it out and actually reread it, I decided that I couldn't possibly actually post it on her livejournal, not so much because it was insane but just cause it seemed so goddamn long. Looking back now, though, I love it. "Chaos Theory As It Applies To Three Pounds Of Walnuts In My Ass." Classic Randy.
Krazy Kari Komments
Who told you I said you're a bitch?
If you can't tell, I'm in one of my silly imaginary worlds. But, you know, just in my head, not across the net. It's a lonelier world, but mostly because you kill things way more frequently in my brain than in any dungeon &/or dragon. Almost every time someone joins my party they get killed very quickly by massive trauma to the anus while sleeping. I swear, when I get my hands on whatever monster it is that keeps somehow sneaking into our fortified hut in the middle of the night and stuffing walnuts in their ass until they die is gonna get it. And somehow I--um, I mean the person, or rather monster, yes, monster is what we're going with and we're going to stick with it--anyway, the monster always manages to break in without any evidence of forced entry while I'm taking my nightly triple-alibi walk. I really don't know what happens cause I'm always careful to lock the door behind them, I mean behind me. As I'm leaving. Yes, locking the door behind them, fuck, ME as I leave to ensure that nothing can get out alive, I mean IN. Alive. While I take my walks. Walks verified by these sworn affidavits from various bribable lowlifes, fuckfuckfuck, I mean... upstanding republicans. Shit, you know, I'm not sure that this reads very convincingly. When I dictated this to you, did you type in every word I said, including the ones I didn't mean to say? Speak up slave, or I'm firing you as my secretary and you know what that means--you get bent back over the pommel horse, I slip on my squirrel suit, grab the walnuts, and then it's time for this little squirrel to hoard some food in his favorite tree. If I were you, slave, I'd be careful to go back and remove any incriminating parts to this comment before you post it for everyone to see. Otherwise I might decide that it looks like winter's coming. That's right. A long, cold, bleak winter. And just like Christmas, there'll be rectal bleeding involved. Wait, no, I don't mean Christmas. Fuck. Which is the holiday about anal? What the fuck do you mean there's no anal holiday? There totally is. Yeah, you know, it's a big family thing with a turkey and canberry sauce. What berry? No, it's called CANBERRY, dumbfuck. Cause the berries are shaped like cans, obviously. What's so funny? Yeah, the berries are the shape of large aluminum cans, hence canberries and hence canberry sauce. It's evolution. The berries grow that way to... increase... consumer friendliness. And photosynthesis. Stop laughing. If you don't stop laughing, you're gonna be a canberry tree, got it? THANKSGIVING, now I remember. Yes, anal. Of course with my family, everybody celebrates Thanksgiving with their family, what are you, some kind of retard or something? Oh, oh you are? Oh. Hmm, that sure does explain a lot. So then... what kind of retard are you? "Fat" isn't a kind of retard, retard, it's just "fat retard" is, like... a common usage. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's in Webster's. No, Webster just added it last year, I think. I'd let you look it up but a fat retard like you probably doesn't know the alphabet. Yes, I realize you're typing 60 words per minute, and no I don't agree that even a dumbfuck could see that proves you know the alphabet. You could be a fat idiot savant. Right, a fat secretarial savant. No I will not get you a little plaque for your desk with your job title on it, you don't even have a job title, you're my slave. Absolutely not. Because I'm not going to promote you from slave to Fat Administrative Assistant Retard just so you can have a little plaque. I think I'd have to give you medical coverage then. Tell you what, how about I promote you to Dumbfuck and get you that plaque? Dumbfuck? One word. Look it up if you don't believe me. It's in there. If not Webster's, then probably Oxford. Derives from the Olde English word "dumfack." Yes it does. It's in Beowulf. No, in the original unedited version. It was actually Grendel's dying words to Beowulf. I swear. I'm not lying. I am not, goddammit, and I can get three affadavits to back me up. They'll be on your desk tomorrow. Tomorrow. Cause I'm going to be picking some up tonight anyway. Huh? Oh, no, no, I'm not arranging an alibi for tonight. I just need some affadavits. No reason. For real. They're to... settle some other literary disputes. No foolin'. I'll swear an affadavit on it, three if you really don't believe me. Okay then, type them up as soon as we're done with this reply to Kari's livejournal. I dunno, some crap about a video game where she's an elf. You play that shit too? Alright, tell you what--if you bang Kari's character I'll make you Dumbfuck, plaque and all. What do you mean you already fucked her? In World of Warcraft or real life? Her character in Wow has to still be close enough to unplowed. Real life is an MMP unto itself, I think. Huh? Oh, it stands for Massively MultiPlayer. No, I wasn't seriously suggesting that she did a lot of multiplayer work. I don't know. I'd guess some. HOW many in WoW? Lord have mercy. With her what? They actually have a skill for that? It sounds like you're typing this, are you typing this? We're 100 percent clear that you're not going to type things I say to you, like the things I'm saying to right now, right? Great. I'm sure if this got posted to her livejournal Kari would go psycho in the unfun way again and somehow break my ribcage using only her kegels. Even Pam Grier would back the fuck up. Say, they don't happen to have any sodomy-with-foreign objects-oriented job classes, do they? Oh well. At least OZ caters to my tastes. The new job is official when you get me an affadavit confirming the porkage. Yeah, one from you, one from her, and at least one of the guys watching. Um... partial dental after ninety days. Listen, really, it's not worth it, our policy is to transfer you to the Walnut-Riddled Corpse division before your benefits kick in, and it's a 15 percent pay cut. Still? Christ. I don't know, what would my clients think when they saw it? Clients. Just because you don't get paid doesn't mean it's not a job. The work is its own reward. Sexual torture-murder is SO an occupation. Fucking college boys, you're all the same--just because you have two P.H.D.s from Harvard and Standford respectively you think that you can look down on us self-made men. Lotta good those degrees are doing you now, huh? Maybe you should've taken a couple classes on Chaos Theory As It Applies To Three Pounds Of Walnuts Being Shoved Up Your Ass, or do they only offer that at the low-class pedestrian community college I attended? God you're a dumbfuck, you dumb fuck (first dumbfuck one word, second one two. And put this aside in parentheses. No, wait, you shouldn't be typing this at all. Right? I hear typing. You've stopped typing, right? Seriously. You're going to erase all the stuff I said to you and only paste the beginning, right? Your career depends on it. Listen Tree, if you screw me on this, I'm going to release a real squirrel up your trunk, and he's going to think he died and went to heaven. Heaven Intestines. Then, once the squirrel is actually up your ass--except for the tail, we'll leave that sticking out and take pictures, it'll be such a giggle when I mail them home to your kids for you, er, rather you'll have many years of living and probably seeing them again in which to decide whether or not to show the Sphincter Squirrel to your kids. But this is not the real threat yet, for you see... when the squirrel is comfy up there, cracking open walnuts, scratching around, having a good time, I'm going to make him seriously unhappy with the help of a broomhandle. Maybe. I'm not sure if it'll go, but I'd take a shot. If not, just have to find something smaller. One of your drumsticks, perhaps, that could do. Or your toothbrush. I'll bet those bristles brushing back and forth deep in his digestive system would cause some seriously nifty dancing in yours. I think we'll definitely want to starve the squirrel too, maybe get its claws sharpened. Squirrel claws are so small to begin with, though. Maybe we're just have them removed. What in the hell are you so happy about, Dumbfuck? Oh, I didn't mean that we'd leave him declawed, that's no use, no, I was thining what if we had them removed and replaced with bigger, sharper ones. With barbs on the end. While we're at it, rows of baby shark teeth. Fuck yeah, dude, this w0uld be so awesome. Thinking about the killer squirrel I'm gonna build is giving me such a boner I HAVE to go beat off. You finish up the post, just delete everything but the beginning, be careful not to fuck up or I'm bringing in real squirrels. Shit man, I gotta get started breeding and altering them soon, I'm so excited I can't wait! What's that? Oh... right, there will be no actual live squirrels up your ass as long as you don't fuck this up. I guess. If you really don't want to help in the creation of something so wonderful, then fine. Not exactly normal behavior for a Dumbfuck that might be looking for another promotion at some point as opposed to just awaiting a painful and oh so nutty death. But if you hang on and work hard and get that promotion, not only will I give you medical... treatment, but also another title
The End
Now don't you wish that you'd just bailed when you saw that dense introduction instead of pressing forward? Suffer. By the time I'd written all of it out and actually reread it, I decided that I couldn't possibly actually post it on her livejournal, not so much because it was insane but just cause it seemed so goddamn long. Looking back now, though, I love it. "Chaos Theory As It Applies To Three Pounds Of Walnuts In My Ass." Classic Randy.