This Should Explain Why I'm Like This
One of the only things I read growing up besides collections of Calvin and Hobbes strips was a magazine called the Harvard Lampoon. It came addressed to my sister, but was for all of us, and it required great study. Written by Harvard University students (I'm assuming the funniest ones), it's not a 100 percent shot for a laugh, but occasionally, they write some of the most hilarious shit I've ever encountered. It is, however, completely insane. I noticed in re-reading it that I've started to think of shit like this, but not as ideas for comedy articles, just in my natural imagination. Blame the Lampoon for my being a fucking weirdo. Share the love!
Las Vegas #
Macho Man
Blackjack is a game of luck. But it is also a game of skill. Paying careful attention to certain procedures can greatly increase your odds. But nothing can replace that intangible quality called guts. Below are a few examples.
DEALER SHOWS: 10
YOU HAVE: 15
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: 7
YOU HAVE: 18
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: 3
YOU HAVE: 21
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: A puzzled look.
YOU HAVE: To make yourself clear.
YOU: Repeat yourself a little louder. "Hit me."
DEALER SHOWS: Some concern. "Are you sure you want to do that, sir?"
YOU HAVE: No time for no skirt.
YOU: Punch her in the face.
DEALER SHOWS: A pained expression. Yells something about Jesus.
YOU HAVE: Had your authority questioned in public. Another punch to the face.
DEALER SHOWS: That her whiny voice can be heard throughout the casino.
YOU HAVE: To take out seven gun-toting douchebages and fatally wound three cops before they realize... you ain't fucking around.
YOU: Grab a handful of house chips, one more free drink and make your way to a new table.
..............................
My Story
Ever since I was a boy, I’ve dreamt of being in Las Vegas, where the carpets are so thick they have to be mowed and the buffets are all-you-can-eat. I’ve also dreamt that I was Marie Osmond, and Donnie caught me drinking a Coke and spanked me and I liked it. But I knew that would never happen because I can’t sing, whereas I can fly, in a plane. That’s how my dream came true: I flew to Las Vegas.
In truth, I meant to fly to Salt Lake City, but I got on the wrong airplane. It’s a pretty dumb mistake for a pilot to make, but those birds all look the same. And I was too hung over to care. The cockpit was full, so I had to ride first class. They game me peanuts to pass the time. I lost them all, as welll as my headphones, in a fierce roulette match with the guy next to me.
The glamour of Vegas struck me as soon as we landed, and I quit my job to pursue a career as a professional gambler. It was all for the best, since I was fired. I decided to stay at the Y.M.C.A., because they gave triple odds at craps. Someone there told me that the only way to win was to count cards at blackjack. The dealer would always reshuffle, however, before I got to fifty-two.
Later that night, at around noon I guess, a woman walked up to me and said “Fifty bucks for the best sex of your life.” At those rates I figured I could pull in $350 a day, in addition to my gabling income, all for having sex with pretty women. I called my wife and asked for divorce. To my surprise, she readily consented; I could swear I heard slapping sounds and the melodious voice of Donnie Osmond in the background.
My luck ran out fast, however. After winning two million dollars, I couldn’t seem to make a penny more, no matter how much I gambled. Furthermore, the hookers who had been paying me on the side started asking for freebies. I began drinking heavily, and then quickly. Soon I was drunk. I should never gotten into alcohol; it burned like crazy on my open sores.
I dashed to the airport and took the first plane out. It took me to Salt Lake City, where I finally met Marie Osmond. We had a lot in common: neither of us could sing and we both started sleeping together. I miss living in Las Vegas now, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead. I still bag Marie twice every day except Sunday, and $600 a week will get you pretty far in Utah.
The Drunken Pilot
Pilot in the Bar
Stewardess: “Come along, captain, last call, sir.”
Pilot: “For the bar?!”
S: “For the boarding, sir. Last call to board the plane, sir.”
P: “Let the passengers board. I just gotta fly the damned thing. Whiskey sour.
On the Plane
Stewardess: “There will be beverages available…”
Voice from the cockpit: “Gimme a whiskey sour.”
Stewardess enters the cockpit.
Stewardess: “Captain, I think you’ve had enough to drink, sir.”
Pilot, throwing up his hands: “Oh, so you’re gonna fly the plane now? OK! Hi! Hi there, qualified pilot! Hi fiuggin’ Flying Tigers! Hi Ba Ba Ba Blacksheep! Fucking Maverick! Talk to me Goose, motherfucker! Do you really know how to fly? No? Of course you don’t. Gimme a whiskey sour ‘for I put my pilot wings ‘n yer ass.”
Pilot: “Thissis your captain speaking. Ever see how many goddamnd dialz ‘n gauges ‘n blinking lights ‘n shit there iz up here? Whuh… fuck fajfasjfakljjreqr… I’m feeling a lil’ bushed now, so we’re gonna level off an’ I’ll leave ya’ with a autopilot. Gunnite!
…………………………………….
Hygiene #
White People
What is wrong with white people? Throughout history, they have, as a race, consistently demonstrated anti-social behavior. Don’t try to deny it. See how many of these white faux-pas you’ve observed yourself.
STIMULUS: A flower.
NORMAL PERSON: What a pretty flower!
WHITE PERSON: I will conquer it! It will be called “White Person!”
STIMULUS: Store selling Native American wares.
NORMAL PERSON: I will have two of your blankets, please.
WHITE PERSON: I must have it all! Here are some smallpox!
STIMULUS: An ethnic minority
NORMAL PERSON: What a charming ethnic minority!
WHITE PERSON: Kill! Kill!
STIMULUS: A Keanu Reeves movie
NORMAL PERSON: Although good looking, that young man is a terrible actor.
WHITE PERSON: Keanu is dreamy! I will start a fan club.
STIMULUS: A Moonshine still
NORMAL PERSON: How did that get there?
WHITE PERSON: I will run ‘shine in a souped up Trans-Am and shoot revenuers. Later, I will glorify my actions in a Country and Western song.
STIMULUS: A fluted morblegizer.
NORMAL PERSON: What is that?
WHITE PERSON: Now I can morblegize indiscriminately.
STIMULUS: Orange Fanta.
NORMAL PERSON: I like this no more than any other person would.
WHITE PERSON: Orange Fanta! What will my evil overlords say?!
STIMULUS: Skippy peanut butter.
NORMAL PERSON: I prefer Jif. It tastes better.
WHITE PERSON: I, too, prefer Jif… but for a reason you could never fathom!
…………………………………….
A Houghton-Mifflin Textbook
Sex Education for Boys
By your friend’s Older Brother
Chapter 1: Girl Type Stuff
1.1 Introduction
Do you want me to tell you all there is to know about girls (gurls’)? Yeah, maybe I’ll tell you. Maybe not. OK, I’ll tell you. But first you gotta give me a piece of that gum.
Give your teacher a piece of gum.
1.2 Girl Anatomy
You can see what girls look like when they are naked. There’s pictures of naked girls in my Penthouse magazine. No, you can’t see it. Shut up.
First there are the boobs, which look almost exactly like the ones in R-rated movies. There is also the part that counts, which is called the number one. If you put your wiener in there, it will make the girl pregnant, unless you both take a shower right after. This has something to do with spermies.
A Question for Learning: Where do you keep your Penthouse Magazine?
In my room, under my-wait, I’m not telling you! What do you think I am, stupid?
1.3 Going Out with Girls
I have a girlfriend named Brenda. Nobody understands me, especially not my parents, but she does. She’s completely cool. We go on dates. We’re going to run away to California as soon as I am old enough to steal a car.
A Question for Learning: Isn’t Brenda really a character on a TV show?
That’s it. Noogies.
Example of a ‘date’:
I went over to Cathy’s house one day when her parents were away on vacation. I talked her into taking off all her clothes, and I looked at her boobs, woo-woo, and hiney. Then she asked me to, so we screwed. I swear I am telling the truth.
A Question for Learning: What does ‘screw’ mean?
What, you don’t know?
Oh, yeah, I do. I was just seeing if you knew.
1.4 Where Babies Come From
Oh, come on, everybody knows where babies come from. Usually they come out head first, but I hear you came out butt first, which is why you are retarded. You’re such a retard. That’s why I’m gonna sit on your head.
A Question for Learning: Get off! Ow! Come on, get off!
1.5 Six Big Eighth Graders Come Over to Laugh at You
Hey guys, come here. This twerp doesn’t know what ‘screw’ means. I bet he’s never kissed a girl. Hey, I bet you never did. Crybaby. Why ya crying, crybaby?
A Question for Learning: I’m not crying. I have something in my eye. I’m going home.
Study Questions
(Answer on a separate sheet of paper.)
1. What girl do you like? I swear I won’t tell.
2. I am going to go tell that girl you like her. What are you going to do about it, wussy? Use complete sentences.
3. What are you, kid, some kind of dork? Why or why not?
4. Give me three good reasons why I shouldn’t beat you up. Think of more reasons for extra credit!
…………………………………….
World of Crazy #
The Movie Worsts - 1994
Since 1940 The Harvard Lampoon has valiantly chronicled the worst films of the year. Back in the first Movie Worsts The Wizard of Oz was recognized for its achievement as “Most Colossal Flop.” Kirk Douglas became the lucky recipient of the inaugural Kirk Douglas Award for Worst Actor. Natalie Wood came in person to receive the Natalie Wood aware for Worst Actress in 1968. Such kudos have been a treasured part of the Lampoon tradition. Except in 1992 when we made all the movies up.
Actually, no one has looked forward to these since the late Seventies. Everyone and his dog is doing some kind of “bad” awards these days. Maybe we’ll do CD-ROM Worsts next year. Or Interpretive Dance Worsts. Putting together our Entertainment Weekly parody has made us hate Hollywood more than usual though, so for one more year the Lampoon will beat the already raw and pulpy dead horse.
If you enjoy this Movie Worsts then some good will have come from this nightmare. The weed of tradition bears bitter fruit.
The Harvard Lampoon’s Ten Worst Films of 1994
1. Forrest Gump
The screenwriter’s pitch must have gone something like this: “Look, I’ve got two words for you-lucky retard.”
2. Reality Bites
Finally a movie for our generation. That movie is Easy Rider.
3. Philadelphia
The question raised by A League of Their Own remains. Does Tom Hanks pitch or catch?
4. The Lion King
So I’m sitting there, and this kid next to me gets so scared when he sees Mufasa, he starts crying. So I punched him in the dick. Next movie.
5. Speed
Keanu Reeves ruined the 17th century in Much Ado About Nothing. He ruined the 18th century in Dangerous Liaisons. He ruined the 19th century in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. He ruined the 20th in Speed. Now all we need is a movie where Keanu can timetravel. Wait…
6. True Lies
The next two statements are true. The preceding one was false. Actually, we kind of liked this film.
7. Four Weddings and a Funeral
I’ll see your funeral and raise you a wedding.
8. Schindler’s List
Spielberg had one purpose in making this film: to craft a movie so heart-rending it could not possibly appear in the Movie Worsts. “Go ahead, make a joke about it. I dare you.” Guards! Seize him!
9. It Could Happen to You
Cop gives waitress $2 million tip. We give you a $7 tip: don’t see this movie. $15, one-year subscription. 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138
10. The Crow
One time, I was at the beach and this guy went and fed an alka-seltzer to a sea gull and its stomach blew up.
Movie Worsts Awards 1994
The Kirk Douglas Award for Worst Actor
This year the award goes to Eric Stoltz for his role in Naked in New York. Stoltz plays a snotty Harvard student with strange fixations who places more emphasis on his career than his girlfriend. Thanks.
The Natalie Wood Award for Worst Actress
This year the award goes to Moira Kelly for her role in With Honors. Kelly plays a snotty Harvard student who ignores the “nice guy” and dates the crew team instead. Thanks.
The Juliette Lewis Understudy Worst Actress Award
This award is given in honor of up-and-coming Worst actress Juliette Lewis. The award goes to Patricia Arquette for True Romance’s light-hearted take on the white-trash milieu so perfected by Miss Lewis. This is no light-hearted matter, Ms. Arquette. For shame.
The “We Don’t Particularly Care for You Either, Spain”
The award goes to the film Barcelona for depicting how much the Spanish dislike America. Hola! Mi casa es su casa. Hic, haec, hoc, whatever,
Whatever.
The Exhausted Udder
Presented by the National Dairy Association to the producers of a product which has Clearly been milked to the gills. The award goes to Milk Money. Go ahead, make another film about the oldest profession. Yawn.
The Arrested Development Oblation
The Oblation is presented to the actor who turns in a performance most convincingly like a child. Every year the award is given to French Legion of Honor recipient and noted linguist Jerry Lewis. This year the award goes to Jerry Lewis.
The Platinum Donut Award for Best Tipping Cop
Nicholas Cage in It could Happen to You gives a diner waitress a $2 million tip. A fair tip? Sure, if you just ate $13 million of cannelli bean soup.
Truth in Advertising Award
To Bad Girls. Bad actresses, bad script, bad movie. I saw it for a dollar. Still bad.
The Harvard Lampoon Midget Appreciation Award
Thank you, midgets.
The Octopussy Double Agent Award
Given to the movie with the most suggestive yet misleading title. The award goes to Blown Away. Runners up: Eat, Drink, Man, Woman, Bad Girls, Carlito’s Way, The cowboy Way, Joy Luck Club, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Baby’s Day Out.
The River Phoenix What Might Have Been, What Would Have Sucked Award
In recognition of chances lost and catastrophes averted, the Lampoon awards the almost-weres and also-rans. This year the award goes to Madonna for almost being cast in a film version of the Verdi opera Aida. Ms. Donna was not cast, and all stand mute before the majesty of time’s arrow and time’s cycle in the ever awing spectacle of contingency.
The From Milton Berle’s Private Joke File Award
Given to the comedy that should’ve stayed private. The winner is The Mask. Too bad the computers couldn’t write the jokes just like they randomly selected Jim Carrey from a demographic data set to be a movie star. And eventually our human overseer.
The Merino
Bestowed upon the cinematic figure who, in the opinion of the Lampoon, has done the most in the past year to enhance the fame and glory of the merino. In 1961 this one-quarter scale neoprene mounted sheep went to Maureen O’Hara; in 1962 to Rita Moreno; in 1965 to marineophile Jacques Cousteau. This year the winner is Dan Marino, quarterback for the Miami Dolphins and actor in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. At least we think. None of us were willing to go watch the movie to find out if he’s really in it.
……………………………..
Las Vegas #
Macho Man
Blackjack is a game of luck. But it is also a game of skill. Paying careful attention to certain procedures can greatly increase your odds. But nothing can replace that intangible quality called guts. Below are a few examples.
DEALER SHOWS: 10
YOU HAVE: 15
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: 7
YOU HAVE: 18
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: 3
YOU HAVE: 21
YOU: Hit
DEALER SHOWS: A puzzled look.
YOU HAVE: To make yourself clear.
YOU: Repeat yourself a little louder. "Hit me."
DEALER SHOWS: Some concern. "Are you sure you want to do that, sir?"
YOU HAVE: No time for no skirt.
YOU: Punch her in the face.
DEALER SHOWS: A pained expression. Yells something about Jesus.
YOU HAVE: Had your authority questioned in public. Another punch to the face.
DEALER SHOWS: That her whiny voice can be heard throughout the casino.
YOU HAVE: To take out seven gun-toting douchebages and fatally wound three cops before they realize... you ain't fucking around.
YOU: Grab a handful of house chips, one more free drink and make your way to a new table.
..............................
My Story
Ever since I was a boy, I’ve dreamt of being in Las Vegas, where the carpets are so thick they have to be mowed and the buffets are all-you-can-eat. I’ve also dreamt that I was Marie Osmond, and Donnie caught me drinking a Coke and spanked me and I liked it. But I knew that would never happen because I can’t sing, whereas I can fly, in a plane. That’s how my dream came true: I flew to Las Vegas.
In truth, I meant to fly to Salt Lake City, but I got on the wrong airplane. It’s a pretty dumb mistake for a pilot to make, but those birds all look the same. And I was too hung over to care. The cockpit was full, so I had to ride first class. They game me peanuts to pass the time. I lost them all, as welll as my headphones, in a fierce roulette match with the guy next to me.
The glamour of Vegas struck me as soon as we landed, and I quit my job to pursue a career as a professional gambler. It was all for the best, since I was fired. I decided to stay at the Y.M.C.A., because they gave triple odds at craps. Someone there told me that the only way to win was to count cards at blackjack. The dealer would always reshuffle, however, before I got to fifty-two.
Later that night, at around noon I guess, a woman walked up to me and said “Fifty bucks for the best sex of your life.” At those rates I figured I could pull in $350 a day, in addition to my gabling income, all for having sex with pretty women. I called my wife and asked for divorce. To my surprise, she readily consented; I could swear I heard slapping sounds and the melodious voice of Donnie Osmond in the background.
My luck ran out fast, however. After winning two million dollars, I couldn’t seem to make a penny more, no matter how much I gambled. Furthermore, the hookers who had been paying me on the side started asking for freebies. I began drinking heavily, and then quickly. Soon I was drunk. I should never gotten into alcohol; it burned like crazy on my open sores.
I dashed to the airport and took the first plane out. It took me to Salt Lake City, where I finally met Marie Osmond. We had a lot in common: neither of us could sing and we both started sleeping together. I miss living in Las Vegas now, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead. I still bag Marie twice every day except Sunday, and $600 a week will get you pretty far in Utah.
The Drunken Pilot
Pilot in the Bar
Stewardess: “Come along, captain, last call, sir.”
Pilot: “For the bar?!”
S: “For the boarding, sir. Last call to board the plane, sir.”
P: “Let the passengers board. I just gotta fly the damned thing. Whiskey sour.
On the Plane
Stewardess: “There will be beverages available…”
Voice from the cockpit: “Gimme a whiskey sour.”
Stewardess enters the cockpit.
Stewardess: “Captain, I think you’ve had enough to drink, sir.”
Pilot, throwing up his hands: “Oh, so you’re gonna fly the plane now? OK! Hi! Hi there, qualified pilot! Hi fiuggin’ Flying Tigers! Hi Ba Ba Ba Blacksheep! Fucking Maverick! Talk to me Goose, motherfucker! Do you really know how to fly? No? Of course you don’t. Gimme a whiskey sour ‘for I put my pilot wings ‘n yer ass.”
Pilot: “Thissis your captain speaking. Ever see how many goddamnd dialz ‘n gauges ‘n blinking lights ‘n shit there iz up here? Whuh… fuck fajfasjfakljjreqr… I’m feeling a lil’ bushed now, so we’re gonna level off an’ I’ll leave ya’ with a autopilot. Gunnite!
…………………………………….
Hygiene #
White People
What is wrong with white people? Throughout history, they have, as a race, consistently demonstrated anti-social behavior. Don’t try to deny it. See how many of these white faux-pas you’ve observed yourself.
STIMULUS: A flower.
NORMAL PERSON: What a pretty flower!
WHITE PERSON: I will conquer it! It will be called “White Person!”
STIMULUS: Store selling Native American wares.
NORMAL PERSON: I will have two of your blankets, please.
WHITE PERSON: I must have it all! Here are some smallpox!
STIMULUS: An ethnic minority
NORMAL PERSON: What a charming ethnic minority!
WHITE PERSON: Kill! Kill!
STIMULUS: A Keanu Reeves movie
NORMAL PERSON: Although good looking, that young man is a terrible actor.
WHITE PERSON: Keanu is dreamy! I will start a fan club.
STIMULUS: A Moonshine still
NORMAL PERSON: How did that get there?
WHITE PERSON: I will run ‘shine in a souped up Trans-Am and shoot revenuers. Later, I will glorify my actions in a Country and Western song.
STIMULUS: A fluted morblegizer.
NORMAL PERSON: What is that?
WHITE PERSON: Now I can morblegize indiscriminately.
STIMULUS: Orange Fanta.
NORMAL PERSON: I like this no more than any other person would.
WHITE PERSON: Orange Fanta! What will my evil overlords say?!
STIMULUS: Skippy peanut butter.
NORMAL PERSON: I prefer Jif. It tastes better.
WHITE PERSON: I, too, prefer Jif… but for a reason you could never fathom!
…………………………………….
A Houghton-Mifflin Textbook
Sex Education for Boys
By your friend’s Older Brother
Chapter 1: Girl Type Stuff
1.1 Introduction
Do you want me to tell you all there is to know about girls (gurls’)? Yeah, maybe I’ll tell you. Maybe not. OK, I’ll tell you. But first you gotta give me a piece of that gum.
Give your teacher a piece of gum.
1.2 Girl Anatomy
You can see what girls look like when they are naked. There’s pictures of naked girls in my Penthouse magazine. No, you can’t see it. Shut up.
First there are the boobs, which look almost exactly like the ones in R-rated movies. There is also the part that counts, which is called the number one. If you put your wiener in there, it will make the girl pregnant, unless you both take a shower right after. This has something to do with spermies.
A Question for Learning: Where do you keep your Penthouse Magazine?
In my room, under my-wait, I’m not telling you! What do you think I am, stupid?
1.3 Going Out with Girls
I have a girlfriend named Brenda. Nobody understands me, especially not my parents, but she does. She’s completely cool. We go on dates. We’re going to run away to California as soon as I am old enough to steal a car.
A Question for Learning: Isn’t Brenda really a character on a TV show?
That’s it. Noogies.
Example of a ‘date’:
I went over to Cathy’s house one day when her parents were away on vacation. I talked her into taking off all her clothes, and I looked at her boobs, woo-woo, and hiney. Then she asked me to, so we screwed. I swear I am telling the truth.
A Question for Learning: What does ‘screw’ mean?
What, you don’t know?
Oh, yeah, I do. I was just seeing if you knew.
1.4 Where Babies Come From
Oh, come on, everybody knows where babies come from. Usually they come out head first, but I hear you came out butt first, which is why you are retarded. You’re such a retard. That’s why I’m gonna sit on your head.
A Question for Learning: Get off! Ow! Come on, get off!
1.5 Six Big Eighth Graders Come Over to Laugh at You
Hey guys, come here. This twerp doesn’t know what ‘screw’ means. I bet he’s never kissed a girl. Hey, I bet you never did. Crybaby. Why ya crying, crybaby?
A Question for Learning: I’m not crying. I have something in my eye. I’m going home.
Study Questions
(Answer on a separate sheet of paper.)
1. What girl do you like? I swear I won’t tell.
2. I am going to go tell that girl you like her. What are you going to do about it, wussy? Use complete sentences.
3. What are you, kid, some kind of dork? Why or why not?
4. Give me three good reasons why I shouldn’t beat you up. Think of more reasons for extra credit!
…………………………………….
World of Crazy #
The Movie Worsts - 1994
Since 1940 The Harvard Lampoon has valiantly chronicled the worst films of the year. Back in the first Movie Worsts The Wizard of Oz was recognized for its achievement as “Most Colossal Flop.” Kirk Douglas became the lucky recipient of the inaugural Kirk Douglas Award for Worst Actor. Natalie Wood came in person to receive the Natalie Wood aware for Worst Actress in 1968. Such kudos have been a treasured part of the Lampoon tradition. Except in 1992 when we made all the movies up.
Actually, no one has looked forward to these since the late Seventies. Everyone and his dog is doing some kind of “bad” awards these days. Maybe we’ll do CD-ROM Worsts next year. Or Interpretive Dance Worsts. Putting together our Entertainment Weekly parody has made us hate Hollywood more than usual though, so for one more year the Lampoon will beat the already raw and pulpy dead horse.
If you enjoy this Movie Worsts then some good will have come from this nightmare. The weed of tradition bears bitter fruit.
The Harvard Lampoon’s Ten Worst Films of 1994
1. Forrest Gump
The screenwriter’s pitch must have gone something like this: “Look, I’ve got two words for you-lucky retard.”
2. Reality Bites
Finally a movie for our generation. That movie is Easy Rider.
3. Philadelphia
The question raised by A League of Their Own remains. Does Tom Hanks pitch or catch?
4. The Lion King
So I’m sitting there, and this kid next to me gets so scared when he sees Mufasa, he starts crying. So I punched him in the dick. Next movie.
5. Speed
Keanu Reeves ruined the 17th century in Much Ado About Nothing. He ruined the 18th century in Dangerous Liaisons. He ruined the 19th century in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. He ruined the 20th in Speed. Now all we need is a movie where Keanu can timetravel. Wait…
6. True Lies
The next two statements are true. The preceding one was false. Actually, we kind of liked this film.
7. Four Weddings and a Funeral
I’ll see your funeral and raise you a wedding.
8. Schindler’s List
Spielberg had one purpose in making this film: to craft a movie so heart-rending it could not possibly appear in the Movie Worsts. “Go ahead, make a joke about it. I dare you.” Guards! Seize him!
9. It Could Happen to You
Cop gives waitress $2 million tip. We give you a $7 tip: don’t see this movie. $15, one-year subscription. 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138
10. The Crow
One time, I was at the beach and this guy went and fed an alka-seltzer to a sea gull and its stomach blew up.
Movie Worsts Awards 1994
The Kirk Douglas Award for Worst Actor
This year the award goes to Eric Stoltz for his role in Naked in New York. Stoltz plays a snotty Harvard student with strange fixations who places more emphasis on his career than his girlfriend. Thanks.
The Natalie Wood Award for Worst Actress
This year the award goes to Moira Kelly for her role in With Honors. Kelly plays a snotty Harvard student who ignores the “nice guy” and dates the crew team instead. Thanks.
The Juliette Lewis Understudy Worst Actress Award
This award is given in honor of up-and-coming Worst actress Juliette Lewis. The award goes to Patricia Arquette for True Romance’s light-hearted take on the white-trash milieu so perfected by Miss Lewis. This is no light-hearted matter, Ms. Arquette. For shame.
The “We Don’t Particularly Care for You Either, Spain”
The award goes to the film Barcelona for depicting how much the Spanish dislike America. Hola! Mi casa es su casa. Hic, haec, hoc, whatever,
Whatever.
The Exhausted Udder
Presented by the National Dairy Association to the producers of a product which has Clearly been milked to the gills. The award goes to Milk Money. Go ahead, make another film about the oldest profession. Yawn.
The Arrested Development Oblation
The Oblation is presented to the actor who turns in a performance most convincingly like a child. Every year the award is given to French Legion of Honor recipient and noted linguist Jerry Lewis. This year the award goes to Jerry Lewis.
The Platinum Donut Award for Best Tipping Cop
Nicholas Cage in It could Happen to You gives a diner waitress a $2 million tip. A fair tip? Sure, if you just ate $13 million of cannelli bean soup.
Truth in Advertising Award
To Bad Girls. Bad actresses, bad script, bad movie. I saw it for a dollar. Still bad.
The Harvard Lampoon Midget Appreciation Award
Thank you, midgets.
The Octopussy Double Agent Award
Given to the movie with the most suggestive yet misleading title. The award goes to Blown Away. Runners up: Eat, Drink, Man, Woman, Bad Girls, Carlito’s Way, The cowboy Way, Joy Luck Club, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Baby’s Day Out.
The River Phoenix What Might Have Been, What Would Have Sucked Award
In recognition of chances lost and catastrophes averted, the Lampoon awards the almost-weres and also-rans. This year the award goes to Madonna for almost being cast in a film version of the Verdi opera Aida. Ms. Donna was not cast, and all stand mute before the majesty of time’s arrow and time’s cycle in the ever awing spectacle of contingency.
The From Milton Berle’s Private Joke File Award
Given to the comedy that should’ve stayed private. The winner is The Mask. Too bad the computers couldn’t write the jokes just like they randomly selected Jim Carrey from a demographic data set to be a movie star. And eventually our human overseer.
The Merino
Bestowed upon the cinematic figure who, in the opinion of the Lampoon, has done the most in the past year to enhance the fame and glory of the merino. In 1961 this one-quarter scale neoprene mounted sheep went to Maureen O’Hara; in 1962 to Rita Moreno; in 1965 to marineophile Jacques Cousteau. This year the winner is Dan Marino, quarterback for the Miami Dolphins and actor in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. At least we think. None of us were willing to go watch the movie to find out if he’s really in it.
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