Confessions of a Middle-Aged Mall Rat
Whew. Some observations after a very long day trying to finish up my Christmas shopping, during which I hit not one mall but two, as well as numerous sites along the interminable commercial strip down the full length of Academy Boulevard:
- From the Who's Twisting That Poor Cat's Tail Dept: Saxaphone jazz covers of Christmas carols do not sound like Christmas. Nor do they sound like jazz.
- From the Carol and I Made the Right Decision Dept: Above the racket at the center of Chapel Hills Mall comes the plaintive cry at the very top of his four-year-old lungs: "Mommy, I have to PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
- From the Some Things Man Was Not Meant to Know Dept: While trucking past Intimate Apparel in Dillard's (unless it was Macy's) I noticed a sign reading SALE ON SPECIALTY BRAS. Specialty? Are there Utility Bras? Ok, all right. Sorry I asked.
- From the Know Your Product Line...Please Dept: At Barnes & Noble at Chapel Hills, I was scanning the computer book shelves (at least it's still plural) when a sales associate whisked her way behind me, leading a confused-looking geek behind her. They stopped at the next case and she began furiously scanning titles, mumbling "Schneier, Schneier, Schneier...he's here somewhere..." Thirty seconds later she had still not found Applied Cryptography, so I leaned over silently and tapped my finger on the brilliant red spine. "Oh," she said, and handed the book to the waiting geek, who shook his head as she roared off again. "If you're buying that, buy Secrets and Lies too," I said. "You won't regret it." He did. And he won't.
- From the Earth is Not What It Used to Be Dept: Carol and I are shopping for globes. Woodley's Furniture had ten or twelve different models, but every single one was made of this faux mother-of-pearl crap, with a crudely shaped piece for each country. I complained about this to the smiling sales rep, who said, "Oh, well, you understand that we really sell them as accessories..." Postscript: All the gimbaled globes were top-heavy, with Antarctica facing up. Set them right with the North Pole up and they slowly sink back again.
- From the Frostbite Falls Fashion Flair Dept: Down at Citadel Mall, a gaggle of four junior-high girls, all in big bulky winter coats (some including fur-lined hoods) walked past barefoot, carrying their flip-flops in their hands. It was 38 degrees outside.
- From the No Steampunk Toys in My Stocking This Year Dept: Sunbird Train Mart had the Marklin G Scale model of the Kruckenberg Rail Zeppelin on display. (Scroll down.) You can have one too-for only $1199. Back in 1931, this amazing gizmo (basically, an Art Deco railcar driven by a huge pusher propeller) managed to roar along at 230 km/hr (about 160 miles/hr) for 20 km, a land speed record that stood for over 20 years. Gearing a piston engine to deliver torque to wheels across a speed range from 0 to 160 mph is difficult, and placing a prop right on the drive shaft is a distinct advantage. Sucking waiting passengers off the platform and chopping them into dog chow is a disadvantage, however. (This didn't happen; still, the public has a vivid imagination, and the Schienenzeppelin never went into production - made unnecessary by the development of a more conventional high-speed railcar called the, um, Flying Hamburger.)
Shop until you drop? Done, done.