(no subject)
I've been working so much I seem to be getting bad about updating anything lately. But I'm not used to working more than forty hours a week, it's really kicking me in the ass. I pulled 48 at the hospital last week alone because they seem to like cracking the whip on new employees, training them till they drop. Too bad I mean that in the least kinky way imagineable, otherwise it might be fun. Though the $1200 paycheck I cleared made me feel slightly less cranky. Though the damn Hepatitis shot I had to get is hurting like a bitch now.
I did manage to write a bit of fic though, which seems to be the only thing that relaxes me anymore. My attention span has been pretty short of late, I think I'm just not getting enough sleep. In any case, if this feels disjointed and well.......sucky, I blame it on that.
It's Paige/Alex from Degrassi.
Disclaimer: Not mine, I don't really own much of anything these days. Except my car, which I love. So please don't sue me for my car. She's my baby.
Rating: PG-13, I don‘t really do smut.
Feedback: Cookies for feed-backers! You know you want a cookie…..
Summary: Post ‘Lexicon of Love’. Graduation time. Not without it’s angst of course.
Author's Note: So thanks to my favorite little femslash enabler, and you know who you are, I’ve become completely obsessed with the Palex relationship. Which is SO odd since up until the Lexicon episodes I had never once seen Degrassi. I’m a sucker, what can I say?
---------
“Remember to pick up your caps and gowns at the senior table out in front of the gym no later than next Thursday gang.“ Mr. Simpson hollered out to the class as we all made a beeline for the door, anxious to get a start on the long weekend.
Next week is graduation, and because of that, seniors get Monday and Tuesday off for our class trip. Three days in Niagara Falls sounded kinda cheesy to me six months ago when we had initial signups, but a lot has happened since then. And now I can’t wait to get out of the city for a few days. It doesn’t hurt that Niagara is considered one of the more romantic destinations in the North.
As all sorts of cuddle visions swim in my head, the reason for my excitement comes into view, casually leaning against my locker waiting for me. I can’t stop the smile from forming on my lips, though I should be used to that reaction by now, it is after all an everyday occurrence for me lately.
“So you ready to bust out of here girlfriend?” Alex moves to the side as I get to my locker, having already spun the combination for me. I haphazardly toss the few things I still need for classes onto the top shelf before slamming it shut, my impatience to get a start on the weekend mirroring Alex’s it would seem.
Looping my arm through hers I pull her towards the front doors. I can hear Alex chuckle a bit beside me as the afternoon sunshine hits my face. “You do remember that we don’t leave until tomorrow morning, right?”
I raise my eyebrow. “So does that mean you WANT to stay at Degrassi longer than necessary?”
By this time we’ve reached my car, an early graduation present from my parents. Alex pulls me to a stop and backs me up against the driver’s door, leaning into me and pressing a gentle kiss against my cheek, producing an involuntary groan of disapproval to pass through my lips. Instead of pulling away completely, she steps in closer to whisper in my ear. “You already know what I want. But we’ve got at least another twelve hours to kill.”
I can feel the blush starting at my neck and quickly traveling up through my cheeks. We’ve been together almost six months now, and she can still fluster me like she did that first night at the movie premiere. I still think I should send Kevin a thank you note or a box of candy or something. But Alex has repeatedly told me that there’s no reason to, even though I told her all about the sense he managed to knock into me. She insists that it was all my own doing. I wonder if maybe that just makes her feel better, like she thinks that Kevin talked me into something I didn’t really want.
Which really wasn’t the truth at all. If anything, he just made me see how much I really DID want to be with her. He removed the shallow glasses I had clung so preciously to for all those years before Alex. I was scared to be with her, but there was never a time when I was confused about wanting to go there. From the moment her lips touched mine I never had a doubt about what I was feeling for Alex. It was all about choosing whether I could actually allow myself to be with her or not. And Kevin helped me make that choice. Maybe if I sat her down and told her exactly where my head was at in those moments, she might actually chip in with me for those chocolates.
The soft nip to my earlobe reminds me that I haven’t exactly answered Alex. Or wait, was there even a question?
Alex chuckles again, amused by the obvious effect she has on me. “So what are we doing tonight?” She pulls away, moving to the side to lean against the car next to me.
I drop my head onto her shoulder, gazing across the parking lot at all the other students hurrying out of school. It’s hard to believe that in a week I’ll probably never step foot in Degrassi again. Four years ago I never would have thought I’d be standing here, my head pillowed comfortably on my GIRLFRIEND’S shoulder. It’s amazing how a person can change.
And I’m even more surprised by how I’ve managed to adjust to the change. Sure, the first couple of days were, well, interesting to say the least. I was used to being noticed in the halls, I had been a cheerleader for eons after all, and that seemed to be a prerequisite. But the first day I walked down the seniors hall, Alex’s arm firmly slung over my shoulder, it was a different kind of stare. That lasted for a few days and then everyone seemed to just……forget. I still don’t know how or why that even happened. From the little less than hostile vibe I felt to just normalcy in the space of a week seemed really odd.
I’ve always wondered just how Alex pulled that off. Because I know she did something to make it stop. Every time I would bring the subject up she immediately dodged around it or attached her lips to mine in an effort to distract me. Which never failed to work. She just has this uncanny ability to make me fixate on nothing but the sensations her lips zap through my body. Imagine that.
“Or we could just stand here vertically spooning all night, up to you babe.” Ever the smartass, my girlfriend. Not entirely a bad idea really, but still. Heaven help me, I find her sarcasm cute 99 percent of the time.
I reluctantly pull out of her arms to get into my car, afraid I might start getting a bit nostalgic if I stand here any longer. Alex hops in next to me, tossing her denim jacket into the backseat haphazardly. I don’t know why in the world she was wearing that thing most of the day. It’s June, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. And hot. Besides, I can’t help but want to see her tanned skin in those tiny little white tanks she loves so much.
We drive in silence, the comfortable and quiet kind that I’ve never had with anyone else before. The kind that only really comes with someone that just gets you, knows you so well that there isn’t any need to fill up the space between heartfelt conversations with meaningless babble. There’s no reason to drone on and on about something when you can just feel the person next to you, their heat, their spirit.
Alex taught me that.
She told me that when you spend endless nights curled up in the farthest corner of your room, a pillow pressed tightly to your ears, trying desperately to drown out the screaming match in the room next door, you learn to appreciate the silence when it comes. More than appreciate, savor it, embrace it, learn the intricacies of it’s blanket of comfort.
It amazes me how open she is with me. To the outside world she’s little miss badass-nothing-gets-to-me Alex. But when we’re alone, just the two of us, she’s Lexi. Little Lexi who’s mother cares more about what her boyfriend thinks than her own daughter. Lexi, who spent countless nights wondering where she was going to sleep the next day. Lexi, the most vulnerable angel I’ve ever known.
It’s hard to remember which girl I initially fell in love with these days, the lines have totally blurred together to make the amazing package I’m lucky enough to call my girlfriend.
My protector, my slightly temperamental knight in really hot wife beaters, the girl who can make the entire school shut their collective traps without having to make sure I give her the credit she deserves for it.
Or the frozen body I’ve spent more than one night holding tightly to after she crawled into my bedroom window at 2am because her mother in a drunken stupor kicked her out of her own bed. The tentative smile as I boldly took her hand in my own walking into the trendy restaurant we went to on our first official date. The delicate hands tenderly caressing my face in the afterglow of our first time making love.
I guess the simple truth, my truth, is that I love all of her, every sharp jagged edge along with it’s twin soft gentle curve.
Now if I could just work up the courage to tell her that. Six months, and I still haven’t said the L word to her. I honestly don’t know for sure what’s holding me back. It’s certainly not the lack of feeling, I just can’t seem to get those three little words passed the massive lump they get stuck in halfway down my throat. Maybe it’s the fact that she hasn’t said it to me yet either. There’s always a niggling thought in the back of my head that the reason she’s been silent is because she doesn’t actually feel as strongly about our relationship as I do. Insecurity has always been one of my more well hidden personality ticks. But then again, no one likes the thought of a potential rejection.
I’m hoping this trip to Niagara is the perfect chance for us to cross that final barrier. We should have plenty of alone time thanks to our constant needling of Mr. Simpson about letting us room together. It took us a good two weeks of total ass kissing to get him to come around, but we make an awesome team when it comes to coercion it would seem.
I drag myself away from potentially stressing thoughts of total vulnerability as I pull into the parking lot behind The Dot. Alex rolls her eyes tolerantly as I yank the keys from the ignition, grabbing my purse in the backseat at the same time.
“What?” I ask innocently.
“Why do I even bother asking anymore?” I smile back her, reaching for her hand to pull her along. The Dot has become a bit of an after school tradition for us. Just about everyday we stop in to grab an early dinner or just a much needed caffeine boost. Why change a good habit really?
The smell of rich French roast assaults my nose as we push our way through the crowded café, looking for a nice cozy table for two.
“Well if it isn’t Degrassi’s golden couple.” I can feel Alex stiffen in my grasp, the sound of his voice always having that effect on her lately. I don’t quite understand it considering that up until a few weeks ago she took total pleasure in telling him where he could shove it.
“Is there a reason you’re polluting our air with you existence Jay?” I snark back at him, pulling Alex a little tighter to me.
Jay smirks a bit at me, casting an unpleasant look at Alex in the process. “Oh Lexi, your kitten here has claws.” His leer transfers from my girlfriend to me. “But I bet you already knew that.” I’ve totally had enough of this jackass.
Before I can open my mouth though, Alex beats me to it. “Come on Paige, lets just go.” She starts tugging me towards the front door, my jaw sitting slack somewhere down around my knees. Now I know something is up. Alex is lots of things, but timid is definitely not one of them. I push past a satisfied looking Jay to chase after her. I manage to catch up halfway around the block, reaching forward and grasping her forearm to spin her around to face me.
“Ok, what the hell was that?” I’m truly baffled by her behavior around Jay, it’s just so un-Alex-like.
She refuses to meet my gaze, which sets another warning bell off in my head. “That’s Jay being Jay, you know that Paige.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t talking about him, I was talking about you. I’ve never seen you back down from him like that.” The night of the movie premiere springs into my head. Alex was so protective of me when Jay made that nasty skank crack.
Alex crawls onto the hood of my car, pulling her knees up and tucking them under her chin. “It just wasn’t worth it. Please let it go Paige.”
I haul myself up onto the still warm metal next to her, placing a hand over hers that are clutching tightly to her upraised knees. “I can’t let it go, because something is obviously going on.”
“Paige….” Alex sighs, desperate to avoid something.
“Baby, you know you can tell me anything. Jay’s making you completely edgy and nervous, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Just tell me, please. I want to help you, whatever it is.” I’m rubbing gentle circles along her hand with my thumb, trying to gently coax the truth out of her.
“You won’t after I tell you.” I’m startled to hear her trying to choke back tears. Alex isn’t exactly a crier. Which means this has to be pretty bad.
I move my fingers from her hand to gently stroke her now damp cheeks, trying to get her to look at me. “I promise you, whatever it is, we can work through it together. We’ve come this far, do you really think I’m going to let Jay of all people throw us off track?” Her silence is really starting to scare me.
Finally she turns her eyes up to meet my increasingly concerned gaze. “You remember that night you stayed over when you were touring McGill about a month ago?”
I nod my head blankly, not understanding what that has to do with anything.
“I was really missing you, so Ellie and Marco dragged me along to some big party they were having down at the ravine. I lost count of how many beers I downed, all I kept thinking about was how you were going to go away to college and leave me behind. I was so funked down babe, because I know you’re going to do all these amazing things, and I’m totally holding you back. And normally I just push all that to the back of my mind and try not to worry about it. Because my present is usually so damn perfect with you. But that night, it seemed that was all I was thinking about.”
I hate that she feels like she’s worth less than me, just because of her upbringing. We’re not any different, not really. I just managed to be dealt a better hand in who I was born to. It’s just so unfair sometimes. She has to know that I’m not just going to take off after graduation and forget about everything we have. “Sweetie……”
“Please let me finish, if you don’t I’ll never be able to.” She sucks in a deep breath to continue when I stop the protest forming on my lips.
“I was sitting on some random picnic bench, watching Marco hopelessly flirting with some obviously straight guy when Jay sidled up next to me, instantly starting in on why you weren’t with me. If anything, he knows exactly where my buttons are to push. And believe me, he was stomping all over them. By the time I managed to get away from him and his smarmy smirk I was in an even worse state of mind. You know me Paige, I drink when I’m upset, I try to drown it away. So that’s exactly what I did. At some point I completely blacked out. When I woke up I was---I was in Jay’s apartment. In his bed, and he was sitting at the foot of it putting his pants on.”
She whispers the last part, to the point where I almost can’t hear it.
Almost.
“Oh God.”
I pull myself away from Alex, curling up into as tight of a ball as I can make out of my limbs, which have suddenly gone numb. The insinuation of her confession slowly seeping into my conscious. She slept with Jay. She cheated on me.
“You slept with him?” I whisper brokenly. I’m in disbelief. How we’ve gotten here, to this feeling, from where we were not even ten minutes ago, a complete mystery to me.
Alex turns to reach for me, but I shy away, curling in tighter on myself. She runs an aggravated hand through her dark hair. “I don’t know!”
I blink at that, anger starting to work it’s way a bit past the incredible hurt her confession produced. “You don’t know? How can you not know? Come on Alex, you’re not stupid.” I bite out.
She turns to me, tears cascading down her cheeks, frustration evident in her every move. “I just don’t know! I was totally blacked out, from sitting propped up against a tree watching Ellie and Marco dancing. I don’t remember anything after that. And I wasn’t totally naked when I woke up, so I just-------I don’t know!”
I cringe at the naked comment, really not needing to know how much clothing she was wearing with Jay apparently pants-less two feet away. It just tosses a handful of salt into the wound. I’m trying really hard to not concentrate on the image. Another thought strikes me as I’m desperately trying to banish the vision of Alex half naked in her ex boyfriend’s bed.
“Why did you wait until now to tell me? If you weren’t sure, why not tell me right away?”
She turns her eyes up to meet my gaze and for a moment I’m surprised at how dull----broken, they look. “Because I was happy. We were happy. I didn’t want to let one stupid night ruin us.”
The anger is starting to come back again. “So you never planned on telling me?”
Alex drops her gaze, refusing to meet my stare. “No.”
I jump down off of my car, I need to walk, I need to just not be here right now.
“Paige!” Alex calls after me.
I turn around to look at her, wondering if I still even recognize the girl now standing in front of my car. She’s never lied to me, honesty has always been one of the strongest things in our relationship. “I can’t be here right now Alex. I just can’t.” Not waiting for her to protest I turn my back to her and walk out onto the sidewalk, not sure where I’m heading, and not really caring.
I did manage to write a bit of fic though, which seems to be the only thing that relaxes me anymore. My attention span has been pretty short of late, I think I'm just not getting enough sleep. In any case, if this feels disjointed and well.......sucky, I blame it on that.
It's Paige/Alex from Degrassi.
Disclaimer: Not mine, I don't really own much of anything these days. Except my car, which I love. So please don't sue me for my car. She's my baby.
Rating: PG-13, I don‘t really do smut.
Feedback: Cookies for feed-backers! You know you want a cookie…..
Summary: Post ‘Lexicon of Love’. Graduation time. Not without it’s angst of course.
Author's Note: So thanks to my favorite little femslash enabler, and you know who you are, I’ve become completely obsessed with the Palex relationship. Which is SO odd since up until the Lexicon episodes I had never once seen Degrassi. I’m a sucker, what can I say?
---------
“Remember to pick up your caps and gowns at the senior table out in front of the gym no later than next Thursday gang.“ Mr. Simpson hollered out to the class as we all made a beeline for the door, anxious to get a start on the long weekend.
Next week is graduation, and because of that, seniors get Monday and Tuesday off for our class trip. Three days in Niagara Falls sounded kinda cheesy to me six months ago when we had initial signups, but a lot has happened since then. And now I can’t wait to get out of the city for a few days. It doesn’t hurt that Niagara is considered one of the more romantic destinations in the North.
As all sorts of cuddle visions swim in my head, the reason for my excitement comes into view, casually leaning against my locker waiting for me. I can’t stop the smile from forming on my lips, though I should be used to that reaction by now, it is after all an everyday occurrence for me lately.
“So you ready to bust out of here girlfriend?” Alex moves to the side as I get to my locker, having already spun the combination for me. I haphazardly toss the few things I still need for classes onto the top shelf before slamming it shut, my impatience to get a start on the weekend mirroring Alex’s it would seem.
Looping my arm through hers I pull her towards the front doors. I can hear Alex chuckle a bit beside me as the afternoon sunshine hits my face. “You do remember that we don’t leave until tomorrow morning, right?”
I raise my eyebrow. “So does that mean you WANT to stay at Degrassi longer than necessary?”
By this time we’ve reached my car, an early graduation present from my parents. Alex pulls me to a stop and backs me up against the driver’s door, leaning into me and pressing a gentle kiss against my cheek, producing an involuntary groan of disapproval to pass through my lips. Instead of pulling away completely, she steps in closer to whisper in my ear. “You already know what I want. But we’ve got at least another twelve hours to kill.”
I can feel the blush starting at my neck and quickly traveling up through my cheeks. We’ve been together almost six months now, and she can still fluster me like she did that first night at the movie premiere. I still think I should send Kevin a thank you note or a box of candy or something. But Alex has repeatedly told me that there’s no reason to, even though I told her all about the sense he managed to knock into me. She insists that it was all my own doing. I wonder if maybe that just makes her feel better, like she thinks that Kevin talked me into something I didn’t really want.
Which really wasn’t the truth at all. If anything, he just made me see how much I really DID want to be with her. He removed the shallow glasses I had clung so preciously to for all those years before Alex. I was scared to be with her, but there was never a time when I was confused about wanting to go there. From the moment her lips touched mine I never had a doubt about what I was feeling for Alex. It was all about choosing whether I could actually allow myself to be with her or not. And Kevin helped me make that choice. Maybe if I sat her down and told her exactly where my head was at in those moments, she might actually chip in with me for those chocolates.
The soft nip to my earlobe reminds me that I haven’t exactly answered Alex. Or wait, was there even a question?
Alex chuckles again, amused by the obvious effect she has on me. “So what are we doing tonight?” She pulls away, moving to the side to lean against the car next to me.
I drop my head onto her shoulder, gazing across the parking lot at all the other students hurrying out of school. It’s hard to believe that in a week I’ll probably never step foot in Degrassi again. Four years ago I never would have thought I’d be standing here, my head pillowed comfortably on my GIRLFRIEND’S shoulder. It’s amazing how a person can change.
And I’m even more surprised by how I’ve managed to adjust to the change. Sure, the first couple of days were, well, interesting to say the least. I was used to being noticed in the halls, I had been a cheerleader for eons after all, and that seemed to be a prerequisite. But the first day I walked down the seniors hall, Alex’s arm firmly slung over my shoulder, it was a different kind of stare. That lasted for a few days and then everyone seemed to just……forget. I still don’t know how or why that even happened. From the little less than hostile vibe I felt to just normalcy in the space of a week seemed really odd.
I’ve always wondered just how Alex pulled that off. Because I know she did something to make it stop. Every time I would bring the subject up she immediately dodged around it or attached her lips to mine in an effort to distract me. Which never failed to work. She just has this uncanny ability to make me fixate on nothing but the sensations her lips zap through my body. Imagine that.
“Or we could just stand here vertically spooning all night, up to you babe.” Ever the smartass, my girlfriend. Not entirely a bad idea really, but still. Heaven help me, I find her sarcasm cute 99 percent of the time.
I reluctantly pull out of her arms to get into my car, afraid I might start getting a bit nostalgic if I stand here any longer. Alex hops in next to me, tossing her denim jacket into the backseat haphazardly. I don’t know why in the world she was wearing that thing most of the day. It’s June, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. And hot. Besides, I can’t help but want to see her tanned skin in those tiny little white tanks she loves so much.
We drive in silence, the comfortable and quiet kind that I’ve never had with anyone else before. The kind that only really comes with someone that just gets you, knows you so well that there isn’t any need to fill up the space between heartfelt conversations with meaningless babble. There’s no reason to drone on and on about something when you can just feel the person next to you, their heat, their spirit.
Alex taught me that.
She told me that when you spend endless nights curled up in the farthest corner of your room, a pillow pressed tightly to your ears, trying desperately to drown out the screaming match in the room next door, you learn to appreciate the silence when it comes. More than appreciate, savor it, embrace it, learn the intricacies of it’s blanket of comfort.
It amazes me how open she is with me. To the outside world she’s little miss badass-nothing-gets-to-me Alex. But when we’re alone, just the two of us, she’s Lexi. Little Lexi who’s mother cares more about what her boyfriend thinks than her own daughter. Lexi, who spent countless nights wondering where she was going to sleep the next day. Lexi, the most vulnerable angel I’ve ever known.
It’s hard to remember which girl I initially fell in love with these days, the lines have totally blurred together to make the amazing package I’m lucky enough to call my girlfriend.
My protector, my slightly temperamental knight in really hot wife beaters, the girl who can make the entire school shut their collective traps without having to make sure I give her the credit she deserves for it.
Or the frozen body I’ve spent more than one night holding tightly to after she crawled into my bedroom window at 2am because her mother in a drunken stupor kicked her out of her own bed. The tentative smile as I boldly took her hand in my own walking into the trendy restaurant we went to on our first official date. The delicate hands tenderly caressing my face in the afterglow of our first time making love.
I guess the simple truth, my truth, is that I love all of her, every sharp jagged edge along with it’s twin soft gentle curve.
Now if I could just work up the courage to tell her that. Six months, and I still haven’t said the L word to her. I honestly don’t know for sure what’s holding me back. It’s certainly not the lack of feeling, I just can’t seem to get those three little words passed the massive lump they get stuck in halfway down my throat. Maybe it’s the fact that she hasn’t said it to me yet either. There’s always a niggling thought in the back of my head that the reason she’s been silent is because she doesn’t actually feel as strongly about our relationship as I do. Insecurity has always been one of my more well hidden personality ticks. But then again, no one likes the thought of a potential rejection.
I’m hoping this trip to Niagara is the perfect chance for us to cross that final barrier. We should have plenty of alone time thanks to our constant needling of Mr. Simpson about letting us room together. It took us a good two weeks of total ass kissing to get him to come around, but we make an awesome team when it comes to coercion it would seem.
I drag myself away from potentially stressing thoughts of total vulnerability as I pull into the parking lot behind The Dot. Alex rolls her eyes tolerantly as I yank the keys from the ignition, grabbing my purse in the backseat at the same time.
“What?” I ask innocently.
“Why do I even bother asking anymore?” I smile back her, reaching for her hand to pull her along. The Dot has become a bit of an after school tradition for us. Just about everyday we stop in to grab an early dinner or just a much needed caffeine boost. Why change a good habit really?
The smell of rich French roast assaults my nose as we push our way through the crowded café, looking for a nice cozy table for two.
“Well if it isn’t Degrassi’s golden couple.” I can feel Alex stiffen in my grasp, the sound of his voice always having that effect on her lately. I don’t quite understand it considering that up until a few weeks ago she took total pleasure in telling him where he could shove it.
“Is there a reason you’re polluting our air with you existence Jay?” I snark back at him, pulling Alex a little tighter to me.
Jay smirks a bit at me, casting an unpleasant look at Alex in the process. “Oh Lexi, your kitten here has claws.” His leer transfers from my girlfriend to me. “But I bet you already knew that.” I’ve totally had enough of this jackass.
Before I can open my mouth though, Alex beats me to it. “Come on Paige, lets just go.” She starts tugging me towards the front door, my jaw sitting slack somewhere down around my knees. Now I know something is up. Alex is lots of things, but timid is definitely not one of them. I push past a satisfied looking Jay to chase after her. I manage to catch up halfway around the block, reaching forward and grasping her forearm to spin her around to face me.
“Ok, what the hell was that?” I’m truly baffled by her behavior around Jay, it’s just so un-Alex-like.
She refuses to meet my gaze, which sets another warning bell off in my head. “That’s Jay being Jay, you know that Paige.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t talking about him, I was talking about you. I’ve never seen you back down from him like that.” The night of the movie premiere springs into my head. Alex was so protective of me when Jay made that nasty skank crack.
Alex crawls onto the hood of my car, pulling her knees up and tucking them under her chin. “It just wasn’t worth it. Please let it go Paige.”
I haul myself up onto the still warm metal next to her, placing a hand over hers that are clutching tightly to her upraised knees. “I can’t let it go, because something is obviously going on.”
“Paige….” Alex sighs, desperate to avoid something.
“Baby, you know you can tell me anything. Jay’s making you completely edgy and nervous, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Just tell me, please. I want to help you, whatever it is.” I’m rubbing gentle circles along her hand with my thumb, trying to gently coax the truth out of her.
“You won’t after I tell you.” I’m startled to hear her trying to choke back tears. Alex isn’t exactly a crier. Which means this has to be pretty bad.
I move my fingers from her hand to gently stroke her now damp cheeks, trying to get her to look at me. “I promise you, whatever it is, we can work through it together. We’ve come this far, do you really think I’m going to let Jay of all people throw us off track?” Her silence is really starting to scare me.
Finally she turns her eyes up to meet my increasingly concerned gaze. “You remember that night you stayed over when you were touring McGill about a month ago?”
I nod my head blankly, not understanding what that has to do with anything.
“I was really missing you, so Ellie and Marco dragged me along to some big party they were having down at the ravine. I lost count of how many beers I downed, all I kept thinking about was how you were going to go away to college and leave me behind. I was so funked down babe, because I know you’re going to do all these amazing things, and I’m totally holding you back. And normally I just push all that to the back of my mind and try not to worry about it. Because my present is usually so damn perfect with you. But that night, it seemed that was all I was thinking about.”
I hate that she feels like she’s worth less than me, just because of her upbringing. We’re not any different, not really. I just managed to be dealt a better hand in who I was born to. It’s just so unfair sometimes. She has to know that I’m not just going to take off after graduation and forget about everything we have. “Sweetie……”
“Please let me finish, if you don’t I’ll never be able to.” She sucks in a deep breath to continue when I stop the protest forming on my lips.
“I was sitting on some random picnic bench, watching Marco hopelessly flirting with some obviously straight guy when Jay sidled up next to me, instantly starting in on why you weren’t with me. If anything, he knows exactly where my buttons are to push. And believe me, he was stomping all over them. By the time I managed to get away from him and his smarmy smirk I was in an even worse state of mind. You know me Paige, I drink when I’m upset, I try to drown it away. So that’s exactly what I did. At some point I completely blacked out. When I woke up I was---I was in Jay’s apartment. In his bed, and he was sitting at the foot of it putting his pants on.”
She whispers the last part, to the point where I almost can’t hear it.
Almost.
“Oh God.”
I pull myself away from Alex, curling up into as tight of a ball as I can make out of my limbs, which have suddenly gone numb. The insinuation of her confession slowly seeping into my conscious. She slept with Jay. She cheated on me.
“You slept with him?” I whisper brokenly. I’m in disbelief. How we’ve gotten here, to this feeling, from where we were not even ten minutes ago, a complete mystery to me.
Alex turns to reach for me, but I shy away, curling in tighter on myself. She runs an aggravated hand through her dark hair. “I don’t know!”
I blink at that, anger starting to work it’s way a bit past the incredible hurt her confession produced. “You don’t know? How can you not know? Come on Alex, you’re not stupid.” I bite out.
She turns to me, tears cascading down her cheeks, frustration evident in her every move. “I just don’t know! I was totally blacked out, from sitting propped up against a tree watching Ellie and Marco dancing. I don’t remember anything after that. And I wasn’t totally naked when I woke up, so I just-------I don’t know!”
I cringe at the naked comment, really not needing to know how much clothing she was wearing with Jay apparently pants-less two feet away. It just tosses a handful of salt into the wound. I’m trying really hard to not concentrate on the image. Another thought strikes me as I’m desperately trying to banish the vision of Alex half naked in her ex boyfriend’s bed.
“Why did you wait until now to tell me? If you weren’t sure, why not tell me right away?”
She turns her eyes up to meet my gaze and for a moment I’m surprised at how dull----broken, they look. “Because I was happy. We were happy. I didn’t want to let one stupid night ruin us.”
The anger is starting to come back again. “So you never planned on telling me?”
Alex drops her gaze, refusing to meet my stare. “No.”
I jump down off of my car, I need to walk, I need to just not be here right now.
“Paige!” Alex calls after me.
I turn around to look at her, wondering if I still even recognize the girl now standing in front of my car. She’s never lied to me, honesty has always been one of the strongest things in our relationship. “I can’t be here right now Alex. I just can’t.” Not waiting for her to protest I turn my back to her and walk out onto the sidewalk, not sure where I’m heading, and not really caring.