"vanilla" sex, and other figments of society's collective imagination
This isn't really a fandom thing, but I've got my non-fandom journal set up with a sex filter because a lot of my meatspace friends who don't want to hear about my sex life read it, and I kind of wanted this to be public. And I figure anyone who objects to sex talk showing up on their flists defriended this journal long ago. But just in case, here's a cut.
My whole understanding of sex kind of shifted, and my own sex life changed for the better, when I decided that my personal operational definition of the phrase "sexual kink" is "activity or idea that is arousing." Prior to that, I had automatically conceptualized sex in the traditional ice cream sundae paradigm. In my head, sex was based on this central scoop of vanilla, and any kinkiness would go on top of that. I've been reading Savage Love since I was twelve, so I knew PIV sex wasn't the only thing in that basic scoop, but there were still a few activities--PIV, oral-genital, anal for gay dudes, handjobs/fingering, and non-painful breast play--that I sort of assumed would usually if not always be involved in sex.
And then I started actually having sex, and realized that PIV is not really my thing. I like having something in there, but when things get vigorous, I tend to lose interest. But I still do it for partners who enjoy it, as long as it's not actively painful. And that made me start thinking of PIV sex as a kink. Because the kind of people I have sex with tend to be the kind of people who will understand when I say, "NMK, but I'm GGG, go ahead and we'll do what I want afterwards." It's like if I were having sex with someone who was into feet or humiliation or whatever. Not my thing, but I like making my sex partners happy, so I do it for them.
It turns out that of that vanilla scoop I had in my head, oral-genital is the only one that actually is my kink. (Breast play too, kind of, but with enough caveats that it doesn't really count.) And that doesn't mean I can't have sex! It does mean that it's usually a good idea to give my sexual partners a comprehensive rundown beforehand, but that's just good communication. (The last person I hooked up with said during the afterglow, "I'm glad you're so clear about telling me what you want me to do to you, because otherwise I would be so confused right now." It cracked me up pretty hard.)
And then I figured out the whole nonsexual-kink thing, and that pretty much eradicated the rest of my preconceptions about the rules of how this stuff works. Here's how it works: you do the things you like with people who are down with doing them. That's the whole rulebook. A lot of people seem to like the things in that fictional vanilla scoop, so they've become standard and sometimes expected, but that doesn't mean they have to be everybody's baseline.
This entry was originally posted at http://jedusaur.dreamwidth.org/71247.html.
My whole understanding of sex kind of shifted, and my own sex life changed for the better, when I decided that my personal operational definition of the phrase "sexual kink" is "activity or idea that is arousing." Prior to that, I had automatically conceptualized sex in the traditional ice cream sundae paradigm. In my head, sex was based on this central scoop of vanilla, and any kinkiness would go on top of that. I've been reading Savage Love since I was twelve, so I knew PIV sex wasn't the only thing in that basic scoop, but there were still a few activities--PIV, oral-genital, anal for gay dudes, handjobs/fingering, and non-painful breast play--that I sort of assumed would usually if not always be involved in sex.
And then I started actually having sex, and realized that PIV is not really my thing. I like having something in there, but when things get vigorous, I tend to lose interest. But I still do it for partners who enjoy it, as long as it's not actively painful. And that made me start thinking of PIV sex as a kink. Because the kind of people I have sex with tend to be the kind of people who will understand when I say, "NMK, but I'm GGG, go ahead and we'll do what I want afterwards." It's like if I were having sex with someone who was into feet or humiliation or whatever. Not my thing, but I like making my sex partners happy, so I do it for them.
It turns out that of that vanilla scoop I had in my head, oral-genital is the only one that actually is my kink. (Breast play too, kind of, but with enough caveats that it doesn't really count.) And that doesn't mean I can't have sex! It does mean that it's usually a good idea to give my sexual partners a comprehensive rundown beforehand, but that's just good communication. (The last person I hooked up with said during the afterglow, "I'm glad you're so clear about telling me what you want me to do to you, because otherwise I would be so confused right now." It cracked me up pretty hard.)
And then I figured out the whole nonsexual-kink thing, and that pretty much eradicated the rest of my preconceptions about the rules of how this stuff works. Here's how it works: you do the things you like with people who are down with doing them. That's the whole rulebook. A lot of people seem to like the things in that fictional vanilla scoop, so they've become standard and sometimes expected, but that doesn't mean they have to be everybody's baseline.
This entry was originally posted at http://jedusaur.dreamwidth.org/71247.html.