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dont bother reading this entry, its jsut me being all down or whatever again... and im sick of hearing your responses to it all so if i can figure out how, im going to disable the comments option... the only reason this entry isnt made privet besides me not really careing and being kind of lazy, is that i'm always hopeing the right person might read it and thus respond in positive actions instead of getting more depressed themselves and inactive, and also cuz i havent updated in a while i guess... so nothing really much is said in this entry anyways... so yeah, dont bother reading its stupid and lifeless just like ive been feeling dull and gray lately.
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I feel as though I am nothing. I can make children smile and friends laugh, and ive been there for others when they needed someone…. And I know theyd have liked to have been there for me too. ther’re sick of reading of my sadness, of my uncertinities… but how can I help it if that’s all there is to write…. They don’t have to read it, though I don’t have to post it in a way that they could read it either I suppose…. But the people id want to read it never do, or if so they don’t let me know. I’ve come close to killing myself lately… and apparently there have been conflits that even I don’t remember too well…. and maybe its my meds, pms, or just simply me. I have no drive, no motives, but im not depressed… not how I was at least…. Not in tramatic ways, or ways that I even feel… I don’t feel down or sad, I feel fine and fairly content. Perhaps that’s the meds just masking reality, if so I don’t know what to do.
I find it a bit amuseing though, that people we know of, their children are now having problems with depression and/or hurting themselves… everyones going to my parents for advice… seems because of me I’ve made them some kind of gurreu.. heh… I feel sarcastic laughs in my dust filled mind…
I’ve been happy with dingo lately… hes been kind to me, not biteing and such, though I haven’t really tried to hold him for too long. …I really want to put him in the plastic cage and have him on my bed… like I did with Budinkskie… but I don’t know if its nice to move an animal to a smaller habitat… and no garentee it would even work out nice at all anyways. Id love it if dingo could love me…. But whatever. I don’t know if I’ll try. If I even have it in me too.
Lately I haven’t been too content with myself… wondering if the whole “a.d.d.” thing could have in some way stunted my “emotional growth” and if im thus forever cursed to be a child… that im somehow damaged… I know it sounds stupid… for I am very mature and such, just wonder still if ive somehow been reduced… and I fear that if I haven’t been somehow emotionally flawed, etc, by anything naturealy… if I somehow have done it to myself, and what that might mean… obviously I worry too much about nothing. But lately ive been feeling very off… and have been more grouchy then useual…. And feeling so extremely stupid… like the dumbest person alive (no not intellectually)… and for the first time feeling like I’m not so much a g/f but someone to baby-sit.
And even though everythings been working out nicely for me to go back to school… I don’t know if I really want too. I hate ct… and well, I truthfully don’t want to be around a bunch of dumbass college aged kids. :0)
Sure I might get a single, or if failing that possably even an apartment room or something, which would help a lot, but what difference would any of it make without me being somehow motivated or anything?
…I wish I could be in love. Love is such a beutifull thing, and that feeling, even just the slightness of it in the form of a crush, helped fuel me with more productive energy then anything else I could think of… but obviously for that to happen I’d need to be “sweept off my feet”… treated kindly and sweetly, given loveing and sometimes even lustfull glances, kinds words, etc…. tim tried right after a bit of a blow-out between us… but then I was far too shy and supicious and guilty to accept any of it… if this could be the norm instead of some defense response he has to thinking he was loseing me… me and him might beable to work on a real relationship… instead of just two people side by side who like eachother but haven’t made some kind of connection. And damn my pms for making me more prone to sadness…. As well as my mind for expecting or wanting things in situations so badly that when it dousnt happen everything is ruined or worsened, etc… and without me even knowing sometimes what those things are.
…
hmm. Perhaps once again its as easy as im not happy so life is bland and dull to follow suit. Either way I want life… esspically with me and tim. That’s not to say it’s a bad relationship because its not… im just getting exashberated with waiting for him to be ready to “open up” to me… and exashberated with being a blob… a blob with no idea of what to do anymore in regard to the near future… nor really currently wants to do anything at all.
So I wonder again…
Is it me…
Is it the meds…
Pms?
Or just all of it or none…
...
..
.
***************************************************************************************
I feel as though I am nothing. I can make children smile and friends laugh, and ive been there for others when they needed someone…. And I know theyd have liked to have been there for me too. ther’re sick of reading of my sadness, of my uncertinities… but how can I help it if that’s all there is to write…. They don’t have to read it, though I don’t have to post it in a way that they could read it either I suppose…. But the people id want to read it never do, or if so they don’t let me know. I’ve come close to killing myself lately… and apparently there have been conflits that even I don’t remember too well…. and maybe its my meds, pms, or just simply me. I have no drive, no motives, but im not depressed… not how I was at least…. Not in tramatic ways, or ways that I even feel… I don’t feel down or sad, I feel fine and fairly content. Perhaps that’s the meds just masking reality, if so I don’t know what to do.
I find it a bit amuseing though, that people we know of, their children are now having problems with depression and/or hurting themselves… everyones going to my parents for advice… seems because of me I’ve made them some kind of gurreu.. heh… I feel sarcastic laughs in my dust filled mind…
I’ve been happy with dingo lately… hes been kind to me, not biteing and such, though I haven’t really tried to hold him for too long. …I really want to put him in the plastic cage and have him on my bed… like I did with Budinkskie… but I don’t know if its nice to move an animal to a smaller habitat… and no garentee it would even work out nice at all anyways. Id love it if dingo could love me…. But whatever. I don’t know if I’ll try. If I even have it in me too.
Lately I haven’t been too content with myself… wondering if the whole “a.d.d.” thing could have in some way stunted my “emotional growth” and if im thus forever cursed to be a child… that im somehow damaged… I know it sounds stupid… for I am very mature and such, just wonder still if ive somehow been reduced… and I fear that if I haven’t been somehow emotionally flawed, etc, by anything naturealy… if I somehow have done it to myself, and what that might mean… obviously I worry too much about nothing. But lately ive been feeling very off… and have been more grouchy then useual…. And feeling so extremely stupid… like the dumbest person alive (no not intellectually)… and for the first time feeling like I’m not so much a g/f but someone to baby-sit.
And even though everythings been working out nicely for me to go back to school… I don’t know if I really want too. I hate ct… and well, I truthfully don’t want to be around a bunch of dumbass college aged kids. :0)
Sure I might get a single, or if failing that possably even an apartment room or something, which would help a lot, but what difference would any of it make without me being somehow motivated or anything?
…I wish I could be in love. Love is such a beutifull thing, and that feeling, even just the slightness of it in the form of a crush, helped fuel me with more productive energy then anything else I could think of… but obviously for that to happen I’d need to be “sweept off my feet”… treated kindly and sweetly, given loveing and sometimes even lustfull glances, kinds words, etc…. tim tried right after a bit of a blow-out between us… but then I was far too shy and supicious and guilty to accept any of it… if this could be the norm instead of some defense response he has to thinking he was loseing me… me and him might beable to work on a real relationship… instead of just two people side by side who like eachother but haven’t made some kind of connection. And damn my pms for making me more prone to sadness…. As well as my mind for expecting or wanting things in situations so badly that when it dousnt happen everything is ruined or worsened, etc… and without me even knowing sometimes what those things are.
…
hmm. Perhaps once again its as easy as im not happy so life is bland and dull to follow suit. Either way I want life… esspically with me and tim. That’s not to say it’s a bad relationship because its not… im just getting exashberated with waiting for him to be ready to “open up” to me… and exashberated with being a blob… a blob with no idea of what to do anymore in regard to the near future… nor really currently wants to do anything at all.
So I wonder again…
Is it me…
Is it the meds…
Pms?
Or just all of it or none…
...
..
.