F*ck Pessimism... I hate this feeling... my life is a ?
*Sigh* Well folks I must apologize yet again for my lack of any postings recently. I have been living day to day for months now. Things in my life are going well, no real need to bitch. And yet I can't resist to complain and frown upon all the shit that's been making my head hurt lately. So here goes... yet again, more bullshit from yours truely. I feel so utterly and completely lost. This is why... these are the reasons why... read on if you care to...
My mom wanted to kick me out. Not cuz of anything I did to her, but cuz of what I didn't do for myself. I've been living like a lazy, careless, scared freak day after day for months on end now. I've not had a single job since the film gig for 2 weeks in July. (Besides that temp job for 2 days but that doesn't count)And it's November already and I'm still unemployed. She had originally given me till October but had noticed me putting in a bit more effort applying to more places and stuff so she extended it till Nov. 4th to have a full-time job or else I was gonna get kicked out. I have applied to the following places: Starbucks, Costco, Wells Fargo, Wa-Mu, Circuit City, Best Buy, Office Depot, and have given my resume to a handful of temp agencies, gone to 2 career fairs, and have been rejected by once place (Wa-Mu) and accepted by three places (Starbucks, Costco, and Best Buy...so far). I have had my 2nd and 3rd interviews at both Costco and Best Buy and am currently waiting to attend the orientations for both places these next few days. My mom has been so excited and hopeful for me... that she has forgotten about the kicking me out thing. Her reasons were actually not that complicated, but I'll decline from going into that further here. All that matters is that I get to continue feeling like a loser by staying even longer at my mom and step dad's place. Woohoo
Here's the thing.
College is over now. It has been for months. I've even gotten my degree so it's offical now. UCIrvine is in the past, as much as I'd like to deny that. I am a Film and Media Studies graduate and I have a B.A. in Humanities. Whatever that really means. And yet here I am still living at home and feeling excited to get a job at Costco and Best Buy. I have not applied myself as hard as I should have and I know it. Yet I am satisfied with not being satisfied. My financial situation isn't too pretty... and I think that I have tricked myself into feeling complacent and okay with a 10 bucks an hour seasonal job at a place like Costco or whatever.
Here's another thing. And this is pretty important.
My safety net is gone and has been for months now and I have miserably gotten by without it. Barely, but nonetheless... school was safe, school was repetitive... and I scraped by day to day, and in the long run I met some people and got a degree. I chose what I knew I didn't want to do... and went from being undecidied/undeclared to becoming a Humanities graduate out of process of elimnation sort of. Life has determined that I hurl myself at the working world... and I've not been ready. I don't think I ever was... when will I be? I lack experience... yet I feel overqualified for Best Buy and Costco. How's that work? I have had nobody to help me out because I won't let them. I'm ignorant and naive... I shun advice and take it as pity and contradicting criticisms. I won't allow people who care about me and truly know me to guide me in the way they see I should go. But what if (and here I go second guessing myself again...) they really aren't helping? What if they really don't know me that well at all? What if I keep them away because I'm scared that they'll force me to grow up sooner than I'd like? All I know is that I need them and their support. I apologize and it doesn't seem to help cuz I fear that I truely am missing out on what they really have been trying to help me see and notice. I don't pay attention to things they guide me towards... and then I complain to them miserably afterwards about being all alone and confused when they've been there all along. People may not always know the exact time to grow up, but it's something we need to all face. We can't just go on living our lives with no focus and no goals. I lack both.
There has been a lack of success stories too. Another frustrating little thorn in the side. Another little depressing kick of pessimism. I'm back home with friends whom I assumed would always be here... always younger than me and never ready to grow up... always less mature and always less concerned about stuff than I am/was.... but it's not the case and never was and I couldn't see that till it was too late, and till they were all gone on their own seperate ways now. My 'home' has deteriorated and there has been a lack of any hopeful signs of ever getting out and away and starting anew and just making it on your own. College life gave some of us (me and my friends) a taste of that hopefullness and that life on our own... that chance to prove we could handle life. But I've graduated and I'm still not able to handle it. I'm in the same boat as so many other friends of mine.
I need to realize that nobody's holding my hand. But I also can't forget that life isn't about a degree. It's not about a career. It's about living it to its fullest and understanding that nobody else can live it for you. We all make it out to be whatever it make it to be. We take from it what we will. My problems now will seem futile years from now, (at least I hope so) and I can look forward to that. But as of right now I'm stuck in a very hard place. My pessimism won't let up and those feelings of hopelessness and confusion are relentless. I hate feeling that my college years might have been a waste. I know that deep down inside I'm my own worst enemy because there is nobody to blame but myself. My degree is significant but it only determines what I allow it to determine.
I need more guidance, more support, more clarity and more hope. There is so much to look forward too but I won't see it unless I allow myself to. I need to feel ready but safe as well. I complain too much. I need to stop being so apathetic and let go of any pride... any reluctance. Although I dunno why I feel this need to prove anything to myself and/or others... I still can't shake the feeling that that's exactly what I have to do: prove it to myself and to every single person around me, that I can and will make it on my own. Some people grow old still not knowing what they wanna do with their lives or when they grow up. I just hope I won't grow old not knowing... and just live a life full of nothing but regrets and confusion. I am still so young. I never want to leave that part of me behind. Inside I fear that I will fear that part of who I am. When will that part of me be ready to grow up and live life that has been waiting for him? It is a brutal and harsh life but it also has so much beauty and wonder and excitment and joy to offer.
In closing, here are some lyrics from Less Than Jake's "Anthem" album from freshman year of college actually. It's just quite fitting it seems.
"So I'll look here tonight for some piece of mind. Maybe then I'll find some strength inside. Cuz I've lost any hope of ever changing, I'm a short fuze burning"
"Things will never look up unless you start to look forward"
"Well I say it to myself all the time... Stop living half a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive"
"All my friends always talk about, the stories of moving on and getting out, they're packing up and heading south, their heads full of hopes and dreams, they're just like me"
-Stephen
Song of the Day:
"see be
My mom wanted to kick me out. Not cuz of anything I did to her, but cuz of what I didn't do for myself. I've been living like a lazy, careless, scared freak day after day for months on end now. I've not had a single job since the film gig for 2 weeks in July. (Besides that temp job for 2 days but that doesn't count)And it's November already and I'm still unemployed. She had originally given me till October but had noticed me putting in a bit more effort applying to more places and stuff so she extended it till Nov. 4th to have a full-time job or else I was gonna get kicked out. I have applied to the following places: Starbucks, Costco, Wells Fargo, Wa-Mu, Circuit City, Best Buy, Office Depot, and have given my resume to a handful of temp agencies, gone to 2 career fairs, and have been rejected by once place (Wa-Mu) and accepted by three places (Starbucks, Costco, and Best Buy...so far). I have had my 2nd and 3rd interviews at both Costco and Best Buy and am currently waiting to attend the orientations for both places these next few days. My mom has been so excited and hopeful for me... that she has forgotten about the kicking me out thing. Her reasons were actually not that complicated, but I'll decline from going into that further here. All that matters is that I get to continue feeling like a loser by staying even longer at my mom and step dad's place. Woohoo
Here's the thing.
College is over now. It has been for months. I've even gotten my degree so it's offical now. UCIrvine is in the past, as much as I'd like to deny that. I am a Film and Media Studies graduate and I have a B.A. in Humanities. Whatever that really means. And yet here I am still living at home and feeling excited to get a job at Costco and Best Buy. I have not applied myself as hard as I should have and I know it. Yet I am satisfied with not being satisfied. My financial situation isn't too pretty... and I think that I have tricked myself into feeling complacent and okay with a 10 bucks an hour seasonal job at a place like Costco or whatever.
Here's another thing. And this is pretty important.
My safety net is gone and has been for months now and I have miserably gotten by without it. Barely, but nonetheless... school was safe, school was repetitive... and I scraped by day to day, and in the long run I met some people and got a degree. I chose what I knew I didn't want to do... and went from being undecidied/undeclared to becoming a Humanities graduate out of process of elimnation sort of. Life has determined that I hurl myself at the working world... and I've not been ready. I don't think I ever was... when will I be? I lack experience... yet I feel overqualified for Best Buy and Costco. How's that work? I have had nobody to help me out because I won't let them. I'm ignorant and naive... I shun advice and take it as pity and contradicting criticisms. I won't allow people who care about me and truly know me to guide me in the way they see I should go. But what if (and here I go second guessing myself again...) they really aren't helping? What if they really don't know me that well at all? What if I keep them away because I'm scared that they'll force me to grow up sooner than I'd like? All I know is that I need them and their support. I apologize and it doesn't seem to help cuz I fear that I truely am missing out on what they really have been trying to help me see and notice. I don't pay attention to things they guide me towards... and then I complain to them miserably afterwards about being all alone and confused when they've been there all along. People may not always know the exact time to grow up, but it's something we need to all face. We can't just go on living our lives with no focus and no goals. I lack both.
There has been a lack of success stories too. Another frustrating little thorn in the side. Another little depressing kick of pessimism. I'm back home with friends whom I assumed would always be here... always younger than me and never ready to grow up... always less mature and always less concerned about stuff than I am/was.... but it's not the case and never was and I couldn't see that till it was too late, and till they were all gone on their own seperate ways now. My 'home' has deteriorated and there has been a lack of any hopeful signs of ever getting out and away and starting anew and just making it on your own. College life gave some of us (me and my friends) a taste of that hopefullness and that life on our own... that chance to prove we could handle life. But I've graduated and I'm still not able to handle it. I'm in the same boat as so many other friends of mine.
I need to realize that nobody's holding my hand. But I also can't forget that life isn't about a degree. It's not about a career. It's about living it to its fullest and understanding that nobody else can live it for you. We all make it out to be whatever it make it to be. We take from it what we will. My problems now will seem futile years from now, (at least I hope so) and I can look forward to that. But as of right now I'm stuck in a very hard place. My pessimism won't let up and those feelings of hopelessness and confusion are relentless. I hate feeling that my college years might have been a waste. I know that deep down inside I'm my own worst enemy because there is nobody to blame but myself. My degree is significant but it only determines what I allow it to determine.
I need more guidance, more support, more clarity and more hope. There is so much to look forward too but I won't see it unless I allow myself to. I need to feel ready but safe as well. I complain too much. I need to stop being so apathetic and let go of any pride... any reluctance. Although I dunno why I feel this need to prove anything to myself and/or others... I still can't shake the feeling that that's exactly what I have to do: prove it to myself and to every single person around me, that I can and will make it on my own. Some people grow old still not knowing what they wanna do with their lives or when they grow up. I just hope I won't grow old not knowing... and just live a life full of nothing but regrets and confusion. I am still so young. I never want to leave that part of me behind. Inside I fear that I will fear that part of who I am. When will that part of me be ready to grow up and live life that has been waiting for him? It is a brutal and harsh life but it also has so much beauty and wonder and excitment and joy to offer.
In closing, here are some lyrics from Less Than Jake's "Anthem" album from freshman year of college actually. It's just quite fitting it seems.
"So I'll look here tonight for some piece of mind. Maybe then I'll find some strength inside. Cuz I've lost any hope of ever changing, I'm a short fuze burning"
"Things will never look up unless you start to look forward"
"Well I say it to myself all the time... Stop living half a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive"
"All my friends always talk about, the stories of moving on and getting out, they're packing up and heading south, their heads full of hopes and dreams, they're just like me"
-Stephen
Song of the Day:
"see be