Fic: Doubt (3/4)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
I hope you enjoy this one!
Chapter III: Change
"Legolas," Calathiel says abruptly. "I would speak with you."
She has accosted me in the middle of the corridor as I leave a Council meeting. She has evidently been waiting outside. The other Elves leaving the Council chamber cast her curious glances as they walk by - it is usually warriors with disturbing news who stand breathless and anxious waiting for Council to end.
Calathiel shakes her head in apparent dissatisfaction.
"That was not how I intended to sound. May I have a word with you, my prince?"
"Yes, of course. My study?"
Eredhion follows us. It is a mercy that he and Voronwë have left off trailing me around my father's stronghold together. They seem to have, finally, conceded that one of them is enough to protect me whilst indoors. I have hope that, given enough centuries, they will think I am capable of walking from the King's Council chamber to my study by myself.
Eredhion waits outside the door without making a scene. It appears he does not consider Calathiel a threat.
She enters the room behind me, but she does not sit, even when I invite her to. She is unaccountably nervous. I cannot imagine why. Even if she has been doing something she ought not, she is not one of my warriors, so it is nothing to do with me.
After a moment, she bows her head, fist to chest, as one of my archers would in public.
"I do not have a bow," she says, "but I would offer you my service, Legolas."
That is, without exception, the last thing I would ever have expected.I just manage not to show my shock.
"You want to be an archer?"
It is a ludicrous thought. Calathiel might be able to defend herself at need - she is Thorontur's daughter, after all - but she is no warrior. She said as much herself earlier.
"Of course not," she says now. "I would do more harm than good as an archer. I offer you my service as a healer."
A healer? I am perfectly healthy. I wish Aeroniel were here. She might make sense of this.
"I do not understand what you want, Calathiel. Perhaps you should explain."
"You cannot have forgotten that this was not my first encounter with Orcs, Legolas. I know what they can do. I know how dangerous they can be in large enough numbers - indeed, even in small numbers to those unable to fight. And was it not you who told my brother that healers are as important to the course of a war as archers or swordsmen?"
"Indeed, and I say so now. But you are still in training, and I am perfectly healthy. I still do not understand what you want."
"I have heard my father speak of the Dagorlad. There were healers there, and he said they did immeasurable good."
"Calathiel," I begin but she goes on quickly.
"I want to finish my training. And then I want to swear the oath of the archers and ride where they do. As they do. I will ride at your command, Legolas. With the warriors. I can defend myself - and I will have weapons training if you insist - so I will not be a hindrance to them. And I can help them when the fighting is done, much more effectively than if they have to wait to return to the stronghold."
"Calathiel -"
"I know you all learn how to splint broken bones and stitch cuts, but I am a healer. Or I will be one very soon. You cannot deny it will be useful. Lives might be saved if I am there to help warriors at once instead of having to wait for them to return to the stronghold. And when I am not needed in the field, I can work with Master Barancrist in the Healing Wards."
"You seem to have thought this through."
"I have been thinking over it for some time. The atmosphere in court ever since the Shadow began to gain in strength… most warriors know very little of that, Legolas. Even you do not hear reports of every idle remark. And it is good that it should be so. You do not need to hear them. But… As I said, I have been thinking. And this incident made me think on it more."
I shake my head. "Lord Thorontur would never forgive me."
"You underestimate him. He did not want Feredir to be a warrior, but that was because Feredir's heart was never in it. He would not hold me back from my duty any more than the King holds you back from yours."
"It is not your duty to put yourself at risk on a battlefield."
"Why not?" Calathiel snaps. "I might not enjoy fighting, but that does not mean I will cower in fear."
"Serving in the Healing Wards is hardly cowering in fear, Calathiel."
"Perhaps not, but where can I do more good, Legolas? Another pair of hands to add to the dozens in the Healing wards, or on the field when the battle is done?"
"That is not the point."
"Then what is the point? If I had come to you asking for archery training, would you have refused me?"
"No, but -"
"And if I had been skilled enough with a bow to join the Colhador, would you have permitted it?"
"Yes, of course, but -"
"Despite my father and his opinion?"
"Calathiel," I say mildly.
She blushes. "Forgive me, my prince. I forgot myself. But can you not understand, Legolas? How would you feel if your spirit was ready to face battle but you lacked the skill? Feredir is far more adept with a sword than I will ever be, but in his heart he is not a warrior. He hates the sight and sound of battle. And I, despite Triwath's compliments, can just barely defend myself. But I will not flinch from whatever the field may bring. Do you not see that?"
"Why are you asking for this? Battles are not exciting."
"I know that. I want to help. I want to be there to help at once and not three days later when it might be too late. You know how much difference that can make."
I sigh. "And you had to come to me with this? Surely Ellaurë or Îdhron could use your help as well."
Calathiel raises her head proudly. "My father commanded the archers. I only want to serve."
"I do not doubt you, Calathiel. But Lord Thorontur -"
"Gave up command of the archers decades ago. It is no longer my father's place to decide who will ride with the Colhador, Legolas. I am of age. Refuse me if you think I do not have the heart for it, or if you think I will hinder your warriors. You have no right to refuse me because my father might disapprove."
"Have you told him?" Calathiel opens her mouth, clearly intending to argue, but I shake my head firmly to silence her. "I expect this of all my archers. Nobody serves the Colhador in stealth, and you will not do so. I will have to speak to Aeroniel and Saeldur about this, and you must take it to the Council - yes, the King's Council. I cannot start taking non-combatants onto the battlefield if the Council does not approve. If they approve, and if you manage to satisfy Lord Maeglad that you will at least be able to defend yourself, we will see."
"But -"
"If you still want to ride with the archers after the weapons masters are finished with you -"
"I will!"
"Then you will satisfy every condition I demand of my warriors. You will obey the commanding officer on the battlefield, without question and without hesitation. Before you even think about looking at a battlefield, you will speak to Lord Thorontur and Lady Celebwen. Either obtain their approval, or tell them that you intend to do it without approval - though, if they do not approve, they may persuade the Council to refuse your request. But you will tell them nonetheless. My archers do not hide and they do not lie."
Calathiel lets out a breath. I do not think she anticipated this. But she can hardly argue, and in the end she nods.
"Please do not tell anybody," she says. "Not even your father, not yet."
"Why not?"
"I came to you first because there was no point speaking to my father if you were unwilling. I want Adar to hear it from me. I will tell you after I have spoken to him."
It is a reasonable request, and I gesture my acceptance. Calathiel bows her head formally before she slips away.
A moment after she has gone, Eredhion comes in. He has learnt enough discretion not to ask what she wanted. He says only that he has business elsewhere in the stronghold - and I have learnt enough discretion not to ask what his business is. I assure him I will be watchful, listen to his lectures about not setting foot outside the stronghold without sending for him or Voronwë, and send him away.
Left alone, I contemplate going to find my father. He is likely to be free now, between Council and seeing petitioners. It is too early in the day for wine, but I would welcome his counsel.
Unfortunately that is not to be. Barely have I made up my mind and risen to my feet than there is a knock on my door, followed by the breathless entry of one of the pages, telling me that Lord Saeldur requests my presence in his room at once.
I get to my feet, feeling a stab of worry as I hurry towards the warriors' quarters. Saeldur would normally come find me if he wanted something. And if someone were injured, I would be summoned to the Healing Wards. I cannot imagine what would make him send such a message.
Unless -
No, I tell myself firmly, not stopping. I will not let myself believe that of Saeldur.
Saeldur, when he opens the door to me, looks drawn and weary.
"Legolas. Thank you. Are -" He steps outside, shutting the door behind him. "Eredhion and Voronwë are not with you."
"Should they be?" I ask, and if my voice is not as light as I would have liked, I do not think Saeldur notices.
Or perhaps he does, if the way he frowns is any indication.
"No. Of course not. I just… Legolas, will you come to my mother?" I can feel myself stiffen, and Saeldur goes on quickly. "She only wants to speak to you, Legolas, I promise you. She would have come to your study but she is still shaken, and -"
"Saeldur. I will come."
"I saw them."
Lady Celephindeth's voice trembles. I wish there were something I could do for her. I glance over at Saeldur, but he will not meet my eyes.
If it were anybody else, I would at least attempt to comfort her, but I have no idea if Lady Celephindeth wants my comfort. She has said no more about Candnaur after the incident with Míron, but she has not gone out of her way to be friendly, either.
I take a step in her direction. She makes a sudden, convulsive movement.
"Stay." Her voice is hoarse. "Please stay, Legolas. I must speak to you."
"Of course, my lady, if you wish. But I -"
"Legolas." She looks up at me. "I have a question for you. I… I have asked Saeldur, but he will not answer."
Abruptly, Saeldur brushes past me and strides out of the room. I see his shoulders trembling, before the door is shut violently behind him. I stare after him for a moment, and then turn back to Celephindeth.
"My lady?"
"The… Orcs… that attacked us were… wretched. Unimaginably so. I - they threatened to - I do not - Elbereth!" She looks down at her hands. "I have never been near such creatures, nor known such darkness." She glances up at me and away, quickly. "Is it… I have heard… That an Elf held long enough in the dungeons of the Orcs become… one of them." A deep breath. "Is it true?"
I bite my lip. I do not have either the wisdom or the strength for this conversation.
"Legolas, is it true?"
Lady Celephindeth is looking at me, tears trembling on her lashes, and this much I can do for Saeldur's sake.
"I have neither the experience nor the wisdom to know," I say slowly, "but my father has told me it is so, and so has Mithrandir. I believe it is."
"And if… those Orcs you… if they had taken… Candnaur, if they had taken my son… alive… would he… would he have been like… like them?"
"If he had been fortunate, they would have killed him outright. But had they chosen not to do so, had they taken him to their master instead… then, yes, my lady, it is… probable… that he would have been twisted into a servant of the Enemy."
"Elbereth Gilthoniel." Celephindeth's eyes are too bright. "I cannot… I cannot even imagine…"
"Please, my lady, do not dwell on it."
"Legolas." There is a pause, an indrawn breath, and then she says slowly, "Legolas, what I said to you after he died…"
"Please do not dwell on it," I repeat. "You were grieving, my lady."
"And it is only because of your hand on the bow that I was grieving my son's death and not the utter destruction of his fëa." She stands and faces me. "I never thanked you, Legolas."
"For doing my duty I need no thanks, my lady."
"You ask for none, but I owe you thanks nonetheless." She comes closer, dark eyes gazing into mine with almost uncomfortable intensity. "And I must also ask your pardon."
"My lady, there is no need -"
"Legolas, please."
"Lady Celephindeth," I say quietly. Perhaps she must say the words for her own peace of mind.
"I do not know if Saeldur ever told you this, but while you were growing up, Belegur and I spoke to him seriously about how important it was to remember that, while you were his friend, you were also the Prince of the realm. It was clear, to us at least, that you had as much faith in him as your father has in Thorontur and Arbellason. We tried to impress upon him the importance of conducting himself with discretion, particularly in public."
"Saeldur has never done otherwise."
Celephindeth smiles ruefully. "Except on one occasion, and I am partly to blame for that."
"Your reaction was understandable, my lady."
"It was, perhaps, understandable that I questioned your judgement. I do not say that you were to blame, only that a grieving mother is not always rational. But it was not my place to suggest that you were threatened by my son, and that I allowed myself to be used, however unwittingly, in a plot against the life of the Prince was unforgiveable. I never intended that harm should come to you, though I will not blame you if you doubt my word."
I study her for a moment, wondering how to respond. Nothing will be gained by denying what happened, after all.
At last I say, "If you are asking for my forgiveness, Lady Celephindeth, it is yours."
"Thank you." I incline my head politely and turn to leave. "Legolas, wait."
"My lady?" I ask her, though in truth I want nothing more than to leave, to retreat to a quiet place and think.
"If… If you are not needed elsewhere, stay. It has been… I have not spoken to you for many…" She shakes her head. "I intended to be more articulate. You have not set foot in my home since… I do not blame you, of course, but… Even more than it dishonours me to have endangered my Prince's life by my actions, it grieves me that my son's closest friend should feel… unwelcome beneath my roof. Please. Stay. At least until Saeldur returns."
TBC