OOM: By the lake.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
She’s been thinking on that one thought a lot. All day in fact, since choosing to sit alone by the lake earlier this morning. It’s the one thought that’s kept constant in her head despite all the guilt nagging at her. Guilt for leaving Aeryn back there at the hands of the Peacekeepers. Guilt for taking advantage of Tergan to do her mission. And most of all, guilt for hurting Jagged. It’s all jumbled up in there, the guilt with the anger and the hurt and the fear and the confusion.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
But that thought hasn’t gone away yet. In that sea of swirling emotions, it’s remained floating, like that one last snub fighter that just refuses to give up the chase. She’s not sure what it means. But she’s starting to have an idea.
It hadn’t seemed like a bad idea at the time. Sure, she had protested it, if only a little, but it was the only way Aeryn was going to let her go. And being a friend, being a Jedi meant a lot more than one blasted role. Tralk, whore, Sithspitting harlot. It wasn’t who she really was. She knew that. Aeryn knew that. The only people who wouldn’t know would be those Peacekeepers on board the command carrier. And they didn’t really matter now, did they?
It was easy to act in front of Aeryn. It hadn’t been the first time she had pretended like this. There were other times. Times when the only way she could get in and do her job was to be something she wasn’t. But it hadn’t mattered. It was just a lie.
She had thought it wouldn’t matter this time, either.
She knows now - knew halfway through the mission - that she was wrong.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
It had hurt to pretend to belong to someone else. Jaina Solo never liked belonging to people. She valued her independence and free spirit; never staying in one place long enough to really foster any connections. All that changed during the war with the Killiks when she had found a nest, kriff, a family. And when she had found love again with Jagged. Jaina Fel likes belonging to someone. She likes belonging to Jag.
And more than anything, she had hated betraying him. And had hated leading Tergan on - not just because it wasn’t fair to the boy, but because she knew it would hurt Jag. But she had done it anyway. Because that’s what Jaina Solo would do. Anything that would mean she’d succeed in her task, come out victorious.
It’s not something Jaina Fel would do. She knows that now. Jaina Fel is loyal to the vows she made; to be Jagged’s partner, companion, aide, and comfort for the rest of her life. And in Jaina Fel’s eyes, any role that would detract from that is not a good one; it’s something she should never even consider, not even for a moment. In Jaina Fel’s eyes, being wife to Jagged, and someday the mother of his children, is in many ways, more important than any other rodder of a thing in this galaxy. Even more important than being a Jedi.
But she’s not sure how to accept that. She’s been Jaina Solo for so long that it’s strange, inconceivable even, to think that she could be someone else. That there’s something more important than being a Jedi sounds outrageous. She’s supposed to be on the move, patrolling the galaxy and making it a safer place for future generations. It’s her purpose in life. Jaina Solo is the Sword of the Jedi, after all.
But even Jaina Solo wanted to have a partner and raise a family. She still remembers telling Jag that much when she said goodbye to him on the snow plateau of Zonama Sekot. And, six years later, she got that wish. Jaina Solo now had love, a husband, and the promise of children some point in the future. It’s everything Jaina Fel wants too. The family, the real home, that should come first and foremost before anything. But that’s still a thought sometimes alien to Jaina Solo.
Even if every part of her being knows this is right.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
It’s time to make a decision. A choice one way or another. She is Jaina Solo but she is also Jaina Fel now. Not just a Jedi, but a wife. It’s not just her life anymore, but a life shared with Jagged. It’s time she starts acting this way. This whole marriage thing isn’t as easy as she thought it would be. She knows that now.
She knows that means sacrifices. It means giving up parts of Jaina Solo and accepting more of Jaina Fel. It means no more reckless missions. She can’t not be a Jedi; she doesn’t know how to cut that part out of her life and wouldn’t want to anyhow. But it does mean cutting back. No more unnecessary fights. And no more missions where she can’t be herself: someone married and in love.
It means giving up a little independence. It means respecting Jag’s wishes more, and reaching a compromise instead of just doing what she wants. Compromise. She can do that, right? It can’t be too hard, to actually stop and listen instead of going ahead with her own foolhardy plans. And it will be worth it in the end. She’ll find out what Jag expects in a wife and go from there. It’s time to start thinking of others before herself in an entirely different way from before.
She knows this won’t be easy. But then again, are things really worthwhile ever easy? It worked for her parents, and it worked for Mara and Luke. It will work for them, too. She knows how much she loves him, and how much he loves her. He’d give up his home on Csilla to be with her. It is time for her to start giving things up, too. It is time to change.
It is time to start being Jaina Fel.
She’s been thinking on that one thought a lot. All day in fact, since choosing to sit alone by the lake earlier this morning. It’s the one thought that’s kept constant in her head despite all the guilt nagging at her. Guilt for leaving Aeryn back there at the hands of the Peacekeepers. Guilt for taking advantage of Tergan to do her mission. And most of all, guilt for hurting Jagged. It’s all jumbled up in there, the guilt with the anger and the hurt and the fear and the confusion.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
But that thought hasn’t gone away yet. In that sea of swirling emotions, it’s remained floating, like that one last snub fighter that just refuses to give up the chase. She’s not sure what it means. But she’s starting to have an idea.
It hadn’t seemed like a bad idea at the time. Sure, she had protested it, if only a little, but it was the only way Aeryn was going to let her go. And being a friend, being a Jedi meant a lot more than one blasted role. Tralk, whore, Sithspitting harlot. It wasn’t who she really was. She knew that. Aeryn knew that. The only people who wouldn’t know would be those Peacekeepers on board the command carrier. And they didn’t really matter now, did they?
It was easy to act in front of Aeryn. It hadn’t been the first time she had pretended like this. There were other times. Times when the only way she could get in and do her job was to be something she wasn’t. But it hadn’t mattered. It was just a lie.
She had thought it wouldn’t matter this time, either.
She knows now - knew halfway through the mission - that she was wrong.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
It had hurt to pretend to belong to someone else. Jaina Solo never liked belonging to people. She valued her independence and free spirit; never staying in one place long enough to really foster any connections. All that changed during the war with the Killiks when she had found a nest, kriff, a family. And when she had found love again with Jagged. Jaina Fel likes belonging to someone. She likes belonging to Jag.
And more than anything, she had hated betraying him. And had hated leading Tergan on - not just because it wasn’t fair to the boy, but because she knew it would hurt Jag. But she had done it anyway. Because that’s what Jaina Solo would do. Anything that would mean she’d succeed in her task, come out victorious.
It’s not something Jaina Fel would do. She knows that now. Jaina Fel is loyal to the vows she made; to be Jagged’s partner, companion, aide, and comfort for the rest of her life. And in Jaina Fel’s eyes, any role that would detract from that is not a good one; it’s something she should never even consider, not even for a moment. In Jaina Fel’s eyes, being wife to Jagged, and someday the mother of his children, is in many ways, more important than any other rodder of a thing in this galaxy. Even more important than being a Jedi.
But she’s not sure how to accept that. She’s been Jaina Solo for so long that it’s strange, inconceivable even, to think that she could be someone else. That there’s something more important than being a Jedi sounds outrageous. She’s supposed to be on the move, patrolling the galaxy and making it a safer place for future generations. It’s her purpose in life. Jaina Solo is the Sword of the Jedi, after all.
But even Jaina Solo wanted to have a partner and raise a family. She still remembers telling Jag that much when she said goodbye to him on the snow plateau of Zonama Sekot. And, six years later, she got that wish. Jaina Solo now had love, a husband, and the promise of children some point in the future. It’s everything Jaina Fel wants too. The family, the real home, that should come first and foremost before anything. But that’s still a thought sometimes alien to Jaina Solo.
Even if every part of her being knows this is right.
Maybe it's time to stop being Jaina Solo and start being Jaina Fel.
It’s time to make a decision. A choice one way or another. She is Jaina Solo but she is also Jaina Fel now. Not just a Jedi, but a wife. It’s not just her life anymore, but a life shared with Jagged. It’s time she starts acting this way. This whole marriage thing isn’t as easy as she thought it would be. She knows that now.
She knows that means sacrifices. It means giving up parts of Jaina Solo and accepting more of Jaina Fel. It means no more reckless missions. She can’t not be a Jedi; she doesn’t know how to cut that part out of her life and wouldn’t want to anyhow. But it does mean cutting back. No more unnecessary fights. And no more missions where she can’t be herself: someone married and in love.
It means giving up a little independence. It means respecting Jag’s wishes more, and reaching a compromise instead of just doing what she wants. Compromise. She can do that, right? It can’t be too hard, to actually stop and listen instead of going ahead with her own foolhardy plans. And it will be worth it in the end. She’ll find out what Jag expects in a wife and go from there. It’s time to start thinking of others before herself in an entirely different way from before.
She knows this won’t be easy. But then again, are things really worthwhile ever easy? It worked for her parents, and it worked for Mara and Luke. It will work for them, too. She knows how much she loves him, and how much he loves her. He’d give up his home on Csilla to be with her. It is time for her to start giving things up, too. It is time to change.
It is time to start being Jaina Fel.