OOM: Jaina and Jag's Room
Jaina clutches the pillow to her chest, holding it tightly and breathing in the vague spicy sent of her fiancée still clinging to the threads of the fabric. She closes her eyes, ignoring the feel of damp tears against her eyelashes. It’s been blissfully quiet for the last few hours since she ran away from the squadron briefing, with Zekk now gone to take a nap and Jag not in the room.
It’s given her the time to cry again, for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. It’s given her the time to try to sort through her own feelings, not to mention Zekk’s. But even hours later, Jaina’s thoughts are still just as jumbled as they were earlier.
She loves Zekk, but not romantically. It hasn’t been that way for a long, long time - since they were kids. And even then, Jaina knows it was just the infatuation of a naive girl. But Zekk? He’s always loved her. Always. Even after all the times she’s rejected him, even after she agreed to marry another man. It’s always been a constant in her life.
Now? Now with this new development with Tahiri, with Zekk liking what he did last night, with him wanting to spend more time around the blonde Jedi, Jaina knows she’s losing that. She’s losing the attention and adoration of her childhood best friend, and no matter how selfish it is, she doesn’t want to let it go.
She doesn’t want to lose him. She's going to lose him.
Jaina laughs dryly, blinking at more tears welling in her eyes as she gives the pillow another tight squeeze. She never imagined it would hurt this much, having Zekk move on and become attracted to someone else. But it does and she kriffing hates it. Almost to the point that earlier today, she was tempted to tell Jag no, his love wasn’t enough. That she needed Zekk’s too.
But that’s ridiculous and Jaina knows it. She loves Jag more than she ever knew it to be possible to love someone, more than she ever felt capable to love anyone. He’s everything to her and--
--and maybe Sam’s right. It’s a hesitant thought, just barely penetrating through all the others, but it’s there. Zekk deserves someone that won’t shove him away. Who’ll maybe someday care for him the way she does Jag. And Jaina knows she’s not that someone.
Which goes right back to the problem of hating that fact. And not knowing how to deal with it, her hurt and anger and his hopefulness and happiness. She knows should’ve been happy for him. But instead? She lashed out. At Zekk, and at Sam. At Biggs and Jag and anyone who tried talking to her. People who hadn’t deserved any of it, even if part of her still feels as if they did. Thank the Force she hadn’t seen Tahiri today, or that would’ve been one more friend gone.
Zekk starts to stir from his nap, and Jaina shakes her head. No, not yet. She’s not ready to be around others yet, not at all. There’s an inquiry -- Can we talk? -- and she shakes her head again.
Not now, Zekk.
Please?
No.
He’s laughing now, amused at her stubbornness and still concerned about his friend, and Jaina hates it. Hates it a lot. Hates most of all what he says next: You don’t like it when the boot’s on the other foot, eh?
No, she doesn’t and that’s the heart of the problem. But why won’t he understand that? Why can’t he leave her alone?
Fine, Zekk finally answers patiently. We’ll give you the night. See you tomorrow.
There’s no choice in that good bye. It’s an order. Tomorrow she’ll have to admit everything out in the open to him. She might even have to start on those apologies. But right now, she can sleep. Sleep and avoid facing Jag when he comes back to the room, avoid talking to anyone until tomorrow. That will lessen the chance of more arguments. Of fighting with her fiancée or mindmate or friends.
Jaina’s always known she’d lose people in her life. She just hopes it’s not over something as irrational and stupid as this.
It’s given her the time to cry again, for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. It’s given her the time to try to sort through her own feelings, not to mention Zekk’s. But even hours later, Jaina’s thoughts are still just as jumbled as they were earlier.
She loves Zekk, but not romantically. It hasn’t been that way for a long, long time - since they were kids. And even then, Jaina knows it was just the infatuation of a naive girl. But Zekk? He’s always loved her. Always. Even after all the times she’s rejected him, even after she agreed to marry another man. It’s always been a constant in her life.
Now? Now with this new development with Tahiri, with Zekk liking what he did last night, with him wanting to spend more time around the blonde Jedi, Jaina knows she’s losing that. She’s losing the attention and adoration of her childhood best friend, and no matter how selfish it is, she doesn’t want to let it go.
She doesn’t want to lose him. She's going to lose him.
Jaina laughs dryly, blinking at more tears welling in her eyes as she gives the pillow another tight squeeze. She never imagined it would hurt this much, having Zekk move on and become attracted to someone else. But it does and she kriffing hates it. Almost to the point that earlier today, she was tempted to tell Jag no, his love wasn’t enough. That she needed Zekk’s too.
But that’s ridiculous and Jaina knows it. She loves Jag more than she ever knew it to be possible to love someone, more than she ever felt capable to love anyone. He’s everything to her and--
--and maybe Sam’s right. It’s a hesitant thought, just barely penetrating through all the others, but it’s there. Zekk deserves someone that won’t shove him away. Who’ll maybe someday care for him the way she does Jag. And Jaina knows she’s not that someone.
Which goes right back to the problem of hating that fact. And not knowing how to deal with it, her hurt and anger and his hopefulness and happiness. She knows should’ve been happy for him. But instead? She lashed out. At Zekk, and at Sam. At Biggs and Jag and anyone who tried talking to her. People who hadn’t deserved any of it, even if part of her still feels as if they did. Thank the Force she hadn’t seen Tahiri today, or that would’ve been one more friend gone.
Zekk starts to stir from his nap, and Jaina shakes her head. No, not yet. She’s not ready to be around others yet, not at all. There’s an inquiry -- Can we talk? -- and she shakes her head again.
Not now, Zekk.
Please?
No.
He’s laughing now, amused at her stubbornness and still concerned about his friend, and Jaina hates it. Hates it a lot. Hates most of all what he says next: You don’t like it when the boot’s on the other foot, eh?
No, she doesn’t and that’s the heart of the problem. But why won’t he understand that? Why can’t he leave her alone?
Fine, Zekk finally answers patiently. We’ll give you the night. See you tomorrow.
There’s no choice in that good bye. It’s an order. Tomorrow she’ll have to admit everything out in the open to him. She might even have to start on those apologies. But right now, she can sleep. Sleep and avoid facing Jag when he comes back to the room, avoid talking to anyone until tomorrow. That will lessen the chance of more arguments. Of fighting with her fiancée or mindmate or friends.
Jaina’s always known she’d lose people in her life. She just hopes it’s not over something as irrational and stupid as this.