[7snogs] 05 - Belt
Title: The Act, Reprise
Author: Jedi Goat
Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club
Pairing: Hikaru x Kaoru, hints of Hikaru x Haruhi
Rating: T/PG-13 for language and suggested themes
Warnings: Slash. Twincest.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club.
Summary: After Part I and II. An exchange at the Christmas Ball leads to an unexpected confession. Meanwhile, Tamaki is confused.
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The transformed central ballroom was something out of a dream.
The scene unveiled itself to me at a disjointed distance: the orchestra beneath the darkening windows allowing the first quickening notes of their next song to simmer in the air; a dozen Christmas trees glimmering along the walls; a few long tables in one corner spread with an array of refreshments and a chocolate fountain. A whirl of students danced beneath the crystalline chandeliers, colourful dress tails swooping out after their wearers.
I wandered the edge of the room, intent on avoiding lingering too long in any spot in case my availability tempted the Host Club regulars. I was in no mood to dance, as it were, and kept my hands in my pockets, my eyes on the trees or the fake frost and tinsel on the walls - anything to avoid glimpsing Hikaru and Haruhi dancing together.
A clump of girls whispered around the chocolate fountain and I started to edge more purposefully away when I caught a flicker of blond hair from over by the punch bowl. I hesitated - the girls' giggling redoubled - and changed course toward the familiar white-suited figure.
"Tono?"
Tamaki jumped and whirled around to face me. His face flashed with welcome recognition and in an instant he fell into role, spreading his arms. "Kaoru! How lovely to see you! Daddy was worried, you know..."
I smiled weakly in answer, wondering vaguely why he had been hiding behind the punch bowl anyway. I cleared my throat to divert him, since his voice was earning the curious stares of the nearby girls.
"You know, senpai, I thought you of all people would be dancing tonight."
Tamaki stopped in his tracks, still holding a rose he had somehow procured in the middle of his speech. He almost seemed to wither, and for a moment the mask wavered.
"Well, you know ... someone has to ensure all of you are taking proper care of yourselves..."
I nodded absently, shifting over on the pretence of pouring myself some punch. I discreetly peered out from his chosen viewpoint and glimpsed, through a gap in the crowd, a flicker of Haruhi's periwinkle gown.
I drew back, feeling my stomach sink a little at the sight. "Tono," I said quietly, "you're watching Haruhi, aren't you?"
Tamaki jumped again, launching heroically into an explanation. "But of course, it's natural for a father to be worried about his daughter, isn't it? And, after all, this is the first time she's been to such an event in the company of a boy -"
As he rambled he seemed hardly aware of his own fingers systematically picking apart the rose's petals. I turned away.
"You don't have to pretend, you know ... it's pretty much obvious to both of us."
Tamaki gawked at me. All at once he became aware of the shredded rose and stuck it behind his back. "I don't know what you're saying, Kaoru. Daddy is very happy, so long as his daughter is happy. Yes, you know, daddy only ever wanted the best for her."
Maybe it was true.
"So," I reckoned quietly, "I guess we're more alike than you'd think."
Tamaki stared at me. Incredible, I actually had our extravagant boss lost for words. Hikaru would have...
I smiled absently and ran my fingertips around the rim of my glass. "Well. Who'd have thought it would end like this," I murmured. "I'll admit, I always thought it would be you two. I guess I never realized Hikaru was that serious."
Tamaki frowned at me thoughtfully and opened his mouth just as Hikaru waded over to where we were standing. I glanced at him and then diverted my gaze again. A healthy flush beat at his face and he tugged absent-mindedly at his tie.
"Hey, Kaoru, hey, Tono."
"Where's Haruhi?" I asked before I could stop myself.
"I told her I'd go get drinks." He leaned past me for a second glass and I pretended I couldn't smell the crispness of his new aftershave. Tamaki and I played at not noticing while he measured out both goblets and then, hesitating only a moment, thrust both into a surprised Tamaki's grasp.
"You should go dance with her for a bit," Hikaru announced.
"But ... I ..." Tamaki stared, dumbstruck, at the pink punch.
"Come on," Hikaru flashed a grin, "besides, I'm beat, I'm taking a break. Go show her a good time, you got me?" He gave him a slight shove and Tamaki, bewildered, tottered off into the crowd.
Now alone, I stared blankly at Hikaru. But he only smiled to himself, watching Tamaki's retreating back; then he reached over and seized my sleeve.
"C'mon."
In my surprise, I left my drink behind and followed. Hikaru tugged me past the crowded dance floor toward the double doors along the far wall. I redoubled my strides to a jog to keep up as we stepped out onto the second floor balcony. Hikaru went immediately to the rail, turning back and propping his elbows on the ledge behind him while he gazed up at the school aglow with warm lights.
It was a fresh night and our breath fogged the air away from the warmth and the strands of music emanating from the open doors. I shivered unconsciously and leaned next to him, peering down at the grounds robed in shadow below. A white horse-drawn carriage - imported solely for tonight's ball - turned and disappeared beneath the dark belt of trees.
I sighed and broke the silence.
"Hikaru...?"
"It's much better out here, isn't it?" Hikaru spoke with a lazy grin, his head tilted upward. "Easier to think."
"Yeah, I guess." I shuffled my feet, crossing my ankles. Distantly I wondered why he'd left Haruhi in the company of whom he knew was his rival, but I couldn't bring myself to voice my question.
At last Hikaru dragged a hand through his hair. "Kaoru ... listen. I have to apologize for a lot of things lately -"
"No," I stopped him. I was unwilling to hear it from him now when I was still so vulnerable. My heart throbbed as I spoke flatly, "I'll be okay. It's over, Hikaru ... never mind."
"It's not." Hikaru reached over brusquely and grasped my shoulder. I glanced up in surprise, meeting the sudden fierceness in his eyes. "Don't you ever say that again, Kaoru. It's not over."
"But ... you ... Haruhi..."
"I'm not talking about the Club. It was always bigger than that." His hand loosened on my arm and he turned away. "I ... have to apologize for running away all those times. I had to get away from you."
I flinched as his words hit. Did he really hate me so much...? I had only ever wanted to help him... "Hika -?"
"The thing is ... the thing is, I was scared. I didn't understand for the life of me what was going on, Kaoru, and to tell the truth ... I'm still not sure. If I did something wrong, I was sure I would lose you forever. I knew I couldn't live with myself if that happened - if you hated me. So I ran."
I didn't know where this was going anymore. I stared at him, wide-eyed, and merely listened as he poured out the words he had surely held pent up for months. Somehow I knew Hikaru needed to get this off his chest, even if I wasn't sure these words were intended for my ears.
"But I don't regret what I did then. Mori-senpai lent me a room to meditate. It helped to think - to separate myself a little. But," he drew a breath, "when you pushed me toward Haruhi, I didn't have a clue what to do. I just wanted you to be happy, and in the end, I guess, I thought that way would be the best for both of us. But it wasn't, Kaoru ... it wasn't, because I saw how much it was hurting you. I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to stop."
He stopped and looked back at me. I didn't say anything; he sighed and pushed on.
"And on top of that, I was still afraid. I had to test my theory, so ... I made up that crap about kissing Haruhi. When you responded like that, that's when I realized how much I'd fucked things up for both of us. It should have ended things there. I've wanted to end it with Haruhi for months. I've had so many chances and haven't said anything it's unforgivable. I'm sorry, Kaoru, for leading you on like this for so long."
He trailed off, looking toward the school again. I licked my dry lips.
"What are you saying, Hikaru?"
He turned back to face me and gently grasped my forearms; our eyes met, his amber gaze unfamiliarly urgent. "I'm saying that I was an idiot for not realizing what was in front of me. You've taken nothing but crap from me for the past months and yet you still look at me like that - like you care about me and my selfishness. Hell, Kaoru, you kissed me, when in your place I would've ... I would've hit me for my gall.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru, because I realized I love you, far more than a brother should, and I just ... I just want you to know that. I ... it's all right if you think I'm fucked up for even thinking that. I'll leave you alone from now on, I promise, I -"
His words quickened, tumbling over one another in his rush. I wasn't thinking anymore; my mind had slipped into utter blankness and I laid my hand over my mouth to stop his rambling, too. "Hikaru, I..." I stared at him, my throat dry, too bemused to think of a coherent reply; before I knew it the unconscious words slipped out.
"...I love you, too."
Hikaru's golden eyes widened. For a moment we could only stare at each other, breathless and terrified by the weight of our words hanging in the air. My pounding heartbeat filled the silence.
"Kaoru..." There were too many thoughts beyond words whirling in Hikaru's eyes. The look was tortured, but somehow relieved at the same time, and, surely, mirrored on my own face. He struggled valiantly for words, anyway, his breath hot on my fingertips. "I ... how ... I mean, why...?"
He begged of me thoughts and experiences that I had buried deep at the bottom of my heart; I couldn't bring myself to speak and lay any of them between us now. Instead I reached up, tangling my fingers in his thick hair, and pulled his face toward mine. I thoroughly gave him my answer with my lips: I kissed him, more fiercely than I dared even in my dreams, communicating more than words could ever hold in the breathless, feverish instant of desire. Hikaru inhaled sharply, his hands on my shoulders slackened; in this moment, out on the frosty balcony as snow spiralled from the black sky, I had him and him alone.
I stepped back, breaking off. But I was braver now, and met his eye as he blinked and opened and closed his mouth several times in wonderment. Emboldened by his reaction, I smirked.
"Does that answer your question?"
"I ... Yes, yes, it does," Hikaru deemed, something like a sheepish flush glowing in his cheeks as he stumbled over the words. My stubborn brother lost for words was perhaps the most endearing sight I'd ever witnessed and I allowed him to take my face in his hands, bringing our heads close enough together that our noses bumped. His fingers trembled against my temples as though he was half-afraid of what might happen if he let go.
It was cute to see him so nervous for my sake, but I wouldn't have him hold back any longer. I wanted him to kiss me like before - without hesitation, without restraint. I leaned into his touch, tilting my head upward, reminding him with my open lips a half inch from his.
A wave of cheers stopped him short. My eyes flew wide; Hikaru tensed and over his shoulder I glimpsed the cluster of girls gathered at the open doors, looking on at the scene. I shied back against Hikaru's body, heat rushing to my face. A renewed petrifaction numbed my senses and I could barely breathe as the unwanted mantra beat in my head.
Unnatural, vulgar public display...
I felt Hikaru's breath on my left ear. "Do you trust me?"
"Always," I whispered instinctively. He smirked and squeezed my hands before stepping away from me and the railing.
"Thank you, ladies," he announced, raising his arms to our eavesdropping audience and dropping into a sweeping bow. "Our blink-and-you'll-miss-it Christmas Brotherly Love Special, for your personal enjoyment. We'll be back at ten, bring all your friends." He turned back to me, winked, and grabbed my hand.
My heart thundered double-time to keep up with our footsteps as Hikaru tugged me through the ecstatic crowd, his hand rough over mine.
It was all an Act still. He had always been acting...
...And yet, neither of us had been, either.
In the ensuing confusion Hikaru pulled me from the ballroom and didn't stop; I breathlessly jogged after him down the empty corridor, unable to summon the will to ask where we were headed now.
And then, without warning, we stopped. I glanced sideways at Hikaru as he stiffened, peering into the darkness up ahead. I opened my mouth to speak when he seized my shoulders and pushed me up against the wall. Before I could so much as get a word in edgewise his hot breath brushed my face and he leaned over me.
The impatient, stubborn Hikaru I knew had regained control, and he returned all I had asked of him on the balcony in full, feverish fervour. His hand pressed into the back of my hair, the other fumbled with my tie. I let him take over, trusting the clumsy advance of his tongue and the quivering weight of his body jammed up against me, holding me down. We'd both waited too long for this. We needed this.
At last I tucked my head down enough to gasp for breath. Hikaru's chest heaved against me, his fingernails digging almost painfully into the back of my skull.
"Ah ... Hika ..." It was hard to speak; I could still taste him when he nudged our noses together in his attempt to kiss me again. I turned my head and ran my tongue over my swollen lips. "They have ... security cameras..."
"Moan a bit louder then," he growled next to my ear. I was ashamed by the way his words and the hard look in his eyes made me shiver.
"What if someone ... comes looking...?"
My words gave him pause and he warred against desire, his breath coming in heated gasps against my temple. That alone had me just about ready to lose it. At last he lowered his mouth. "Fine ... fine, we'll do things your way ... I'll call us a limo..."
I smiled. "Thank you."
Hikaru let go of me to fish in his pockets for his phone. "It'll take him at least five minute to get here, and I expect full recompense."
"Do you, now?" I said airily.
"You should know, I usually get what I want."
"It would seem that way, wouldn't it?" I agreed, looping my arms around his neck and leaning into him as Hikaru hit a number on speed dial. As the first tone echoed I turned my head and breathed next to his throat.
"But I also have my ways of making you work for it."
The first thing our bemused driver heard on the line was a low moan and I stifled my smirk in Hikaru's neck.
Oh yes, tonight would be interesting indeed.
Fin.
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