How Not to Get Swine Flu
How Not to Get Swine Flu
a friendly guide by jedifreac
1. Do not listen to Rush Limbaugh
Please stop listening to this guy. Actually, you know what? Just stop listening to the television and talk media. Because it gives you swine flu.
Symptoms of swine flu include that tingling psychosomatic feeling of media-induced panic that sends you flooding to emergency rooms. ERs across the country have seen a 50% surge of visitors. Where are you most likely to catch swine flu? Maybe at the hospital where people who really have swine flu are most likely to be headed?
(No, Mr. Rush does not really cause swine flu, Obama does. But I blame Rush for my ulcer. He lies all of the time and has been doing so for ages and people just eat it up. Stop listening to him! Argh.)
2. Eat Pork
One of the best ways to avoid swine flu is to eat pork. It's tasty. Also, it does not cause swine flu. For all those people who are shunning pork right now, thank you for making the price go down! Yesterday at the supermarket I bought three pounds of pork. We are going to make Japanese style pork chops. And Chinese chive & pork dumplings and wontons. It is going to be glorious. And crunchy.
If we eat a lot of pork, like, if we eat all of the pigs, then there won't be any pigs left and then there will be no swine flu.
3. Wear a Mask
This morning on the bus I saw an Asian lady wearing a swine flu mask. I had to kick myself to not immediately launch into a fit of giggles. Then she sat down right in front of me and I had to resist the urge to cough on her. This woman is genius. She will not catch swine flu, because paper masks have magical powers that cause peple to not take you seriously. It is common knowledge that the fairy magic in these masks will protect you with an aura of pure light, incinerating influenza in it's glow.
I want to know how many people wearing these masks wash their hands after using te potty or drink from the shared communion cup at church.
I wish I'd bought stock in surgical masks. What I really want to know is why my pharmeceutical mutual fund is still stagnant.
4. Quit Smoking and Lose Weight
It gives you swine flu. No, just kidding. But seriously, you are way more likely to die of lung cancer or heart disease than of swine flu, but I don't see you on the treadmill or throwing away those cigarrettes.
Smoking is the strongest risk factor for developing pnuemonia in young, healthy people so if you smoke and you do by some miracle catch swine flu, you would be more likely to die. Just saying.
5. Stop Driving. Especially When Drunk.
You are more likely to die of a car crash than of swine flu.
Some people I know who are terrified of swine flu would not think twice about getting behind the wheel after swinging back several beers. I think this is because doing so prevents swine flu.
6. Take TamiFlu. NOW.
It won't protect you from swine flu if you don't have it, but taking Tami-flu willy-nilly will make the virus stronger so when you do have it, you will be more likely to die! We will all be more likely to die because we are all abusing TamiFlu. This is a cunning plan that cannot fail.
7. Appoint More Pro-Choicers. Please?
The onset of a swine flu pandemic resulted in the rapid appointment of Kathleen Sebelius as HHS Secretary. At first, people didn't like her because she um, vetoed a unconstitutional law that would allow patients and even relatives (wtf) to sue abortion doctors. The law, applied to late term abortions, would also have allwoed prosecutors who disagreed with the doctor's professional medical opinion that the woman's life was in danger to file crimminal charges against the doctor.
The Church even banned her from allowing her to eat the jesus flesh that is communion. It's really sad that she can no longer nom-nom-nom on Jesus. Maybe she will have to eat pork instead.
They can't get it in their head that it is possible for Sebelius to be a Catholic woman personally against abortion, and also a Kansas governor and elected official who must preserve the Constitution and believes that other women deserve to have a choice.
But hey, here she is! In office! Because--alack!--swine flu is coming. GEE, if only we could convince more people that other liberal views like sex education can stop global pandemics.
8. Blame God
Obviously God sent swine flu to punish the infidels. Or maybe God sent swine flu to cleanse this evil world. No no wait God sent swine flu to punish us for idol worship--to purge out the Mexican Catholic devils. Or um, maybe Satan sent it to prevent people from gathering at churches to worship god!. God made pigs and us and he made the birds and the pigs and the humans mate and now there is the flu, to punish us.
Very passive-aggressive of you, God. I mean, if you're mad at us, just say so!
9. Socially Isolate Yourself
One of the best things you can do is just go away. If you think you have swine flu, and are really really freaked out about it, you should socially isolate yourself because if you do not, you will annoy people and they will laugh at you.
As you can see, I am not really taking the whole oink flu thing very seriously. I figure I'll start flipping out once I know someone who actually has it and had to go to the hospital for it. Although my cousin did fly to Japan from Califonia with a cold, and was visited by public health dudes in spacesuits who took her temperature and concluded that she had a cold.
a friendly guide by jedifreac
1. Do not listen to Rush Limbaugh
Please stop listening to this guy. Actually, you know what? Just stop listening to the television and talk media. Because it gives you swine flu.
Symptoms of swine flu include that tingling psychosomatic feeling of media-induced panic that sends you flooding to emergency rooms. ERs across the country have seen a 50% surge of visitors. Where are you most likely to catch swine flu? Maybe at the hospital where people who really have swine flu are most likely to be headed?
(No, Mr. Rush does not really cause swine flu, Obama does. But I blame Rush for my ulcer. He lies all of the time and has been doing so for ages and people just eat it up. Stop listening to him! Argh.)
2. Eat Pork
One of the best ways to avoid swine flu is to eat pork. It's tasty. Also, it does not cause swine flu. For all those people who are shunning pork right now, thank you for making the price go down! Yesterday at the supermarket I bought three pounds of pork. We are going to make Japanese style pork chops. And Chinese chive & pork dumplings and wontons. It is going to be glorious. And crunchy.
If we eat a lot of pork, like, if we eat all of the pigs, then there won't be any pigs left and then there will be no swine flu.
3. Wear a Mask
This morning on the bus I saw an Asian lady wearing a swine flu mask. I had to kick myself to not immediately launch into a fit of giggles. Then she sat down right in front of me and I had to resist the urge to cough on her. This woman is genius. She will not catch swine flu, because paper masks have magical powers that cause peple to not take you seriously. It is common knowledge that the fairy magic in these masks will protect you with an aura of pure light, incinerating influenza in it's glow.
I want to know how many people wearing these masks wash their hands after using te potty or drink from the shared communion cup at church.
I wish I'd bought stock in surgical masks. What I really want to know is why my pharmeceutical mutual fund is still stagnant.
4. Quit Smoking and Lose Weight
It gives you swine flu. No, just kidding. But seriously, you are way more likely to die of lung cancer or heart disease than of swine flu, but I don't see you on the treadmill or throwing away those cigarrettes.
Smoking is the strongest risk factor for developing pnuemonia in young, healthy people so if you smoke and you do by some miracle catch swine flu, you would be more likely to die. Just saying.
5. Stop Driving. Especially When Drunk.
You are more likely to die of a car crash than of swine flu.
Some people I know who are terrified of swine flu would not think twice about getting behind the wheel after swinging back several beers. I think this is because doing so prevents swine flu.
6. Take TamiFlu. NOW.
It won't protect you from swine flu if you don't have it, but taking Tami-flu willy-nilly will make the virus stronger so when you do have it, you will be more likely to die! We will all be more likely to die because we are all abusing TamiFlu. This is a cunning plan that cannot fail.
7. Appoint More Pro-Choicers. Please?
The onset of a swine flu pandemic resulted in the rapid appointment of Kathleen Sebelius as HHS Secretary. At first, people didn't like her because she um, vetoed a unconstitutional law that would allow patients and even relatives (wtf) to sue abortion doctors. The law, applied to late term abortions, would also have allwoed prosecutors who disagreed with the doctor's professional medical opinion that the woman's life was in danger to file crimminal charges against the doctor.
The Church even banned her from allowing her to eat the jesus flesh that is communion. It's really sad that she can no longer nom-nom-nom on Jesus. Maybe she will have to eat pork instead.
They can't get it in their head that it is possible for Sebelius to be a Catholic woman personally against abortion, and also a Kansas governor and elected official who must preserve the Constitution and believes that other women deserve to have a choice.
But hey, here she is! In office! Because--alack!--swine flu is coming. GEE, if only we could convince more people that other liberal views like sex education can stop global pandemics.
8. Blame God
Obviously God sent swine flu to punish the infidels. Or maybe God sent swine flu to cleanse this evil world. No no wait God sent swine flu to punish us for idol worship--to purge out the Mexican Catholic devils. Or um, maybe Satan sent it to prevent people from gathering at churches to worship god!. God made pigs and us and he made the birds and the pigs and the humans mate and now there is the flu, to punish us.
Very passive-aggressive of you, God. I mean, if you're mad at us, just say so!
9. Socially Isolate Yourself
One of the best things you can do is just go away. If you think you have swine flu, and are really really freaked out about it, you should socially isolate yourself because if you do not, you will annoy people and they will laugh at you.
As you can see, I am not really taking the whole oink flu thing very seriously. I figure I'll start flipping out once I know someone who actually has it and had to go to the hospital for it. Although my cousin did fly to Japan from Califonia with a cold, and was visited by public health dudes in spacesuits who took her temperature and concluded that she had a cold.