I just want to look like me again...
So, today I was walking outside and my nose was cold. And I was thinking to myself how strange it was that the left side of my nose was cold, but the right side wasn't. ...and, then, I realized that was because there is a giant hole of air where most of the right side of my nose used to be. And I wanted to cry... again.
And, trust me, I've cried. Woken up and looked at myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth and cried. Cried myself to sleep. Cried until I fell over onto the hard, cold floor and just stayed there.
And then, I've also cried because I've been so incredibly self-involved I make myself sick.
I've also secretly hated everyone I know and have seen with a nose that has obviously never had a tumor on it. And apologized and asked for forgiveness for whatever it is I must have done to deserve this.
But I've mulled the whole thing over in my head. And, at some point, I had thoughts like, "I can't live like this anymore" and "if God wants me dead bad enough to give me tumors ever three months... maybe I should just let Him take me next time"
And, then, at another point, I thought, "Well, maybe God is just trying to externally represent all the pain I've been through in my life... emotional and physical. So that when people look at me they'll know I have a story to tell."
And then... I came to the conclusion that was idiotic bullshit because no one else has all their pain externally represented. It also doesn't make anyone want to talk to me. So far, it's just made people look at me funny and scratch their nose.
And, now, every time I turn on the television I think to myself, "I don't even want to look that good anymore... I just want to look like me again."
Because this isn't me. It's just not.
And, trust me, I've cried. Woken up and looked at myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth and cried. Cried myself to sleep. Cried until I fell over onto the hard, cold floor and just stayed there.
And then, I've also cried because I've been so incredibly self-involved I make myself sick.
I've also secretly hated everyone I know and have seen with a nose that has obviously never had a tumor on it. And apologized and asked for forgiveness for whatever it is I must have done to deserve this.
But I've mulled the whole thing over in my head. And, at some point, I had thoughts like, "I can't live like this anymore" and "if God wants me dead bad enough to give me tumors ever three months... maybe I should just let Him take me next time"
And, then, at another point, I thought, "Well, maybe God is just trying to externally represent all the pain I've been through in my life... emotional and physical. So that when people look at me they'll know I have a story to tell."
And then... I came to the conclusion that was idiotic bullshit because no one else has all their pain externally represented. It also doesn't make anyone want to talk to me. So far, it's just made people look at me funny and scratch their nose.
And, now, every time I turn on the television I think to myself, "I don't even want to look that good anymore... I just want to look like me again."
Because this isn't me. It's just not.