(no subject)
Well my hip popped (trans: dislocated and had to be put back IN the joint by hand) again, which makes this twice this month. While this is not a first, it's still very VERY annoying and... after I managed to get the damn thing back into place a comment Koi Lungfish made, kanya surprise that I'm working, popped into my head... that I'm currently weird from pain killers may be a part of this.
So... I'm going to be selfish for a moment. I am not fishing for sympathy, I am not trying to prove that my situation or health are worse than anyone else's (I know this is not the case), I just... I need to write it all out, I guess, where one or two people might see it but with one or two exceptions those people are my siblings so there ya go...
Where in the WORLD do I start this... Alright, most recent issue.
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I inherited juvinal onset osteo arthritus from my Dad. At 14 my joints started to creak, at 16 my knee gave out for the first time and soon after my hip 'popped' the first time. By the time I was 17 I had to give my my dreams of serving in the Navy like my father (and grandfather... and other grandfather... and great grandfather and... uhhh yeah it goes way back). I also had to give up gymnastics. I was GOOD at gymnastics, dammit. Then I had to give up softball. Then I had to give up long hikes. Then I had to give up running/jogging for too long. My hips dislocates 6-18 times a year. My knees give out more often. My ankles are swollen due to trying to compensate for the REST of me almost all the time. my shoulders creak and I've had my right one dislocate 3 times. I have had constant, unending, red hot pain in all of my joints, 24/7, since I was 19.
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I have had a depression (biological) since I was 12. It has been humming non stop in the back of my head since then. I can't remember a time when it was there. It's gotten worse a few times, but it's never gone away. I have never been activly suicidal (oh I've THOUGHT about riding my bike off intot eh canal, or my car or cutting myself but it's never gotten beyond thinking of it in the back of my head so... well I have no clue what that means but... yeah.) I have tried different medications. With one exceptions I've been violently allergic to all of them, and the one that worked is no longer produced. So I found things that counter it with out meds. Caffine helps, exercise (though that's limited), kitbashing, cultural exploration, anatomical designs, and to a lesser extent watching shows that I like (which range from Thunderbirds to Transformers to science shows like 'the real story of WWII plane evolution').
---
...on the subject of medicine, dear HEAVENS I can't take many. ASPRIN makes me sleep for 4 hours for heavens sake.
---
I'm going to be a teacher. I'm not sure I want to be, but I had to give up my job as a librarian when we moved. I wasn't making enough to pay rent and keep going to school, so I moved. I can tutor people, I've subbed, I've volunteered and I've gotten goo reviews all around it's just... I won't like it. I know it, but I don't have a choice. To make ends meet, I teach. At least I should be able to retire in 5-7 years.
---
Something bad happened when I was 13. Let's leave it at that, alright? The net result is that I HATE it when a guy gets up close behind me (I could never tell him that when he snuck up behind me during that LARPG and said 'like me' he gave me nightmares for a month, I mean he didn't KNOW), and I think it might have broke something in my head. I can't love anyone, not in the way people think of the word today. The closest I can come is friendship or 'family', I literally can not feel any form of love outside of that (Poor Nate, I thought maybe that time it would work, the broke things in my head would line up... I still feel so awful) The only thing close to lust is something artistic: oh wow I wish I could draw him/her, what a lovely shape and set of angles! Just... nothing. Foe, neutral, friend, family. There's nothing else.
---
There's more but that's all I wanted to say now, I guess.
So... why do I work if everyday is constant agony and my hips dislocate with a regular basis?
I'm not sure. With gardening it's becuase I love it, We joke that our family is part hobbit, we love the sun and fresh air, growing things and good dark tilled soil...
Working retail it's because... well it didn't occur to me not to work and get a job. It's like... well I'm in pain all the time, right? I hit a point when I was younger where my brain just went 'Is this it? Are you SERIOUS? What are you DOING wasting time curled up and sobbing at the pain? You could be getting something DONE, not just whimpering becuase 'oh boo hoo, my hip is dislocated and I had to force it back into the joint' (yes that's what I thought, I never said I was sane) Get UP, stop sniveling and I never want to see you screaming and crying because of a little bit of agony or depression again!' So I...
how to describe it...
I drew a line from temple to temple and built a wall. everything in front of that wall controlled what i said and did, my expression, my voice, walking working everything. The rest of my brain could curl up and scream and whimper in the pain if it wanted but only on the inside. I don't know why, I just got annoyed at not doing anything from the pain and pushed past it, didn't let it affect 'me'. Probably not the brightest thing I've ever done (I tend to forget to mention when I've been injured worse than normal becuase of it, and I don't talk about my depression because of it) and... I can't scream. I don't know why, but I can't anymore. I can shout 'arrrrrgh' but that's for annoyance, when I try to scream it's this thin sound that you can't really hear. Most likely I broke something in my head again when I decided that I was going to stop sobbing from the pain, like I said, I think I made a mistake when I did it but I can't change it now... :S
Switching gears, my parents were talking about my grandfather a little while ago. This made me remember him and some of the conversations I had with him. I loved that man, I want to be like him, and I wish I could marry someone like him. He was of the opinion that children were born as intelligent as adults, they simply didn't know as much as adults yet, and tended to be interested in things that adults couldn't remember being interested in becuase society told them that 'adults don't like things like climbing trees or cartoons'.
This lead to him and I have discussions about psycological reasoning behind why Starscream was second in command, how thick the body fur of a Thundercat was, what would likely be required for a working colony on Mars and the Moon, and more. Yes, he often had to explain things in order for us to talk about this, but still...
anyway the memory that REALLY came to mind was the late 80s, and we were wondering over the infamous 'where DOES the trailer GO' question. My grandfather (a star trek fan) waved it off finally with 'Oh it's probably just subspace. Subspace explains EVERYTHING but Pon Farr' This lead to him having to explain Pon Farr to his preteen granddaughter. which lead to explaining the birds and the bees. Which lead to the only place it could! Vulcans must have LITTERS if they only can breed during the rare pon farr, and from there to the '50 versus 500' survival numbers... to a pre-teen... Yeah, I'm weird. ^_^
So... I'm going to be selfish for a moment. I am not fishing for sympathy, I am not trying to prove that my situation or health are worse than anyone else's (I know this is not the case), I just... I need to write it all out, I guess, where one or two people might see it but with one or two exceptions those people are my siblings so there ya go...
Where in the WORLD do I start this... Alright, most recent issue.
---
I inherited juvinal onset osteo arthritus from my Dad. At 14 my joints started to creak, at 16 my knee gave out for the first time and soon after my hip 'popped' the first time. By the time I was 17 I had to give my my dreams of serving in the Navy like my father (and grandfather... and other grandfather... and great grandfather and... uhhh yeah it goes way back). I also had to give up gymnastics. I was GOOD at gymnastics, dammit. Then I had to give up softball. Then I had to give up long hikes. Then I had to give up running/jogging for too long. My hips dislocates 6-18 times a year. My knees give out more often. My ankles are swollen due to trying to compensate for the REST of me almost all the time. my shoulders creak and I've had my right one dislocate 3 times. I have had constant, unending, red hot pain in all of my joints, 24/7, since I was 19.
---
I have had a depression (biological) since I was 12. It has been humming non stop in the back of my head since then. I can't remember a time when it was there. It's gotten worse a few times, but it's never gone away. I have never been activly suicidal (oh I've THOUGHT about riding my bike off intot eh canal, or my car or cutting myself but it's never gotten beyond thinking of it in the back of my head so... well I have no clue what that means but... yeah.) I have tried different medications. With one exceptions I've been violently allergic to all of them, and the one that worked is no longer produced. So I found things that counter it with out meds. Caffine helps, exercise (though that's limited), kitbashing, cultural exploration, anatomical designs, and to a lesser extent watching shows that I like (which range from Thunderbirds to Transformers to science shows like 'the real story of WWII plane evolution').
---
...on the subject of medicine, dear HEAVENS I can't take many. ASPRIN makes me sleep for 4 hours for heavens sake.
---
I'm going to be a teacher. I'm not sure I want to be, but I had to give up my job as a librarian when we moved. I wasn't making enough to pay rent and keep going to school, so I moved. I can tutor people, I've subbed, I've volunteered and I've gotten goo reviews all around it's just... I won't like it. I know it, but I don't have a choice. To make ends meet, I teach. At least I should be able to retire in 5-7 years.
---
Something bad happened when I was 13. Let's leave it at that, alright? The net result is that I HATE it when a guy gets up close behind me (I could never tell him that when he snuck up behind me during that LARPG and said 'like me' he gave me nightmares for a month, I mean he didn't KNOW), and I think it might have broke something in my head. I can't love anyone, not in the way people think of the word today. The closest I can come is friendship or 'family', I literally can not feel any form of love outside of that (Poor Nate, I thought maybe that time it would work, the broke things in my head would line up... I still feel so awful) The only thing close to lust is something artistic: oh wow I wish I could draw him/her, what a lovely shape and set of angles! Just... nothing. Foe, neutral, friend, family. There's nothing else.
---
There's more but that's all I wanted to say now, I guess.
So... why do I work if everyday is constant agony and my hips dislocate with a regular basis?
I'm not sure. With gardening it's becuase I love it, We joke that our family is part hobbit, we love the sun and fresh air, growing things and good dark tilled soil...
Working retail it's because... well it didn't occur to me not to work and get a job. It's like... well I'm in pain all the time, right? I hit a point when I was younger where my brain just went 'Is this it? Are you SERIOUS? What are you DOING wasting time curled up and sobbing at the pain? You could be getting something DONE, not just whimpering becuase 'oh boo hoo, my hip is dislocated and I had to force it back into the joint' (yes that's what I thought, I never said I was sane) Get UP, stop sniveling and I never want to see you screaming and crying because of a little bit of agony or depression again!' So I...
how to describe it...
I drew a line from temple to temple and built a wall. everything in front of that wall controlled what i said and did, my expression, my voice, walking working everything. The rest of my brain could curl up and scream and whimper in the pain if it wanted but only on the inside. I don't know why, I just got annoyed at not doing anything from the pain and pushed past it, didn't let it affect 'me'. Probably not the brightest thing I've ever done (I tend to forget to mention when I've been injured worse than normal becuase of it, and I don't talk about my depression because of it) and... I can't scream. I don't know why, but I can't anymore. I can shout 'arrrrrgh' but that's for annoyance, when I try to scream it's this thin sound that you can't really hear. Most likely I broke something in my head again when I decided that I was going to stop sobbing from the pain, like I said, I think I made a mistake when I did it but I can't change it now... :S
Switching gears, my parents were talking about my grandfather a little while ago. This made me remember him and some of the conversations I had with him. I loved that man, I want to be like him, and I wish I could marry someone like him. He was of the opinion that children were born as intelligent as adults, they simply didn't know as much as adults yet, and tended to be interested in things that adults couldn't remember being interested in becuase society told them that 'adults don't like things like climbing trees or cartoons'.
This lead to him and I have discussions about psycological reasoning behind why Starscream was second in command, how thick the body fur of a Thundercat was, what would likely be required for a working colony on Mars and the Moon, and more. Yes, he often had to explain things in order for us to talk about this, but still...
anyway the memory that REALLY came to mind was the late 80s, and we were wondering over the infamous 'where DOES the trailer GO' question. My grandfather (a star trek fan) waved it off finally with 'Oh it's probably just subspace. Subspace explains EVERYTHING but Pon Farr' This lead to him having to explain Pon Farr to his preteen granddaughter. which lead to explaining the birds and the bees. Which lead to the only place it could! Vulcans must have LITTERS if they only can breed during the rare pon farr, and from there to the '50 versus 500' survival numbers... to a pre-teen... Yeah, I'm weird. ^_^