Depression - not a pretty beast
This may be dangerous but I feel I need to do this, I need to document how I'm feeling at the moment in the clutches of what I call a 'low'
so once again in a clutch, been shaking and going loops since about 6pm why? Fuck knows, I mean I forgot my meds a couple of times this week and my mam and dad are out but still.
Going fucking loops. My twitches have been going mad the last couple of days no idea why
Thoughts are like woooooooooooo all over the place.
Was time for painkillers at7pm so I thought right ok take them then realised had run out of some, but then remembered mum bought me some. Spent 40 minutes searching all the places she hides them but no so am now totally tense and won't relax until I know where they are.
I feel like I need to cut to relieve the tension but there's that fine line on relief and the agony of the look on my mum's face when she knows I cut again I just am winding tighter and tighter and tighter
Argh
Fuck this fucking disease I mean seriously fuck it I hate it and people pretend to understand but they don't and in a way I don't want them to because it would mean they'd felt this but this disease is so evil so so evil.
If some people saw me in a REAL low they'd run a bloody mile, it's like a monster trying to break out of me and I can't control it. I shake I cry I shout I laugh I scream I click my Tongue repeatedly and tap myself on the head… oh no people depression is not a pretty beast. Most days I hold him back but each day he chases back and tries to make me go insane. The things he whispers in my brain would make the strongest cry he says them over and over quietly until they are embedded in my brain and I can see the evil scenarios happening before my eyes as if they were real until I scream and shout for them to stop.
People say but it's not like that all the time, no it's not but it's living in fear every moment of every day, the beast chases me every day every minute of every day, somedays I know i have him beat I'm far ahead and he can't reach me yet somedays he's at my shoulder whispering into my ear while I fight every second to keep him at bay. Some days I think I have him beat then turn my head and he's caught me up snapping at my heels with rapid speed.
The speed your mood changes also changes
Some times I watch it building in my brain for minutes hours or days, then sometimes it just changes in a second. I can be fine, be laughing at something even and wham the mood drops over me like a cloud, like a cloak over my head.
There is no sense in this disease so please don't expect me to be able to tell you when you ask why today or why now when I was laughing a moment ago.
Of course the flip side, the positive if you may, is that the moods can leave as quickly. Not as often to be honest but sometimes the flip to ok can be as quick.
Each person's experience is different and I'm not doing this to try to scare or get pity. I want people to understand that this isn't an easy disease and that it is a disease and that it's not just feeling a little bit sad or not being able to get out of bed for a few days.
I want people to understand that this is a struggle and that somedays i might not react the way they expect me to react. I might be extra passionate about something I never seemed to be before, I might appear not to give a shit about something when in all honesty I do. But I can't control that.
No matter how much you tell me I can or I have to try harder or I have done before.
This disease is not logical. I may have done it before it doesn't mean I have the strength to do it today, maybe the basic fight with the beast today took more out of me. I don't know. But if I say I can't please don't make me feel guilty by saying I can and making me feel I've let you down.