Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.
I've been ignoring not only livejournal but also my life lately, so if there was no reply to your message or something i'm sorry and i will get back to it soon.
I've come back to school. And as one of my friends put it in the words "the teachers are depressing, the place is depressing, the fact that we're here is depressing" is so true and i've got no better way to put it myself. i was glad some other person (who is not depressed at all) seems to feel the same.
Writing what I've been feeling and what's going on with me seems to be working for me to feel better so I will continue.
Yesterday was the day that my family was bringing me back. My sister said to me 'Now care about your classes and 2 years later you can be depressed all you want' or something like that. That really hurt. I don't choose to be depressed. I really am feeling down. She is obviously thinking that I'm causing a scene. It hurt a lot. So whole day I only had a cup of coffee. And that was it. Somehow I didn't feel hungry. And when I came to school, I said 'dont kiss or hug me' to my poor mum who was trying to say goodbye. I feel awfully sorry about it. So when she called today I tried to be nice. But her call lasted like 30 seconds because I couldn't find anything to say, especially something nice. I can't help it. I either start crying or I shut up. So shutting up was better for her to feel better.
Weirdly enough, I found some things to talk about with my dad online and I seem to treat him nicer. Which sucks because my mum is the one who takes care of me while my dad doesn't give a shit at all. But I just felt sorry for him also when he was saying that he had no money left because of the economic crisis and all...
Anyway today, too I haven't eaten anything but an apple until dinner where I ate whole bunch of stuff.
It's just weird for me because I used to have a regular eating habits. I seem to forget to eat until afternoon where my stomach starts making noises. This was only for these 2 days though. While I'm sure it's gonna get normal soon, I kinda wanted to not eat until the point where I would faint out. Because then my family would come to take me, which means I would go home. For some time at least. Just a thought.
It was first day of the school and it sucked. I didn't enjoy anything. Seeing some friends felt kinda nice but then again, I spent whole day trying to hide my scars. I did a good job of it too.
Oh and I received 2 packages back from friends back at home. I cried. I guess both because I miss them and because it felt good to be loved. Then I called one of them and we talked for a long time. I love them but still, I put on a mask talking to them for not to lose them. If they knew I had scars from cutting myself, and that I wanted to kill myself all the time, I'm pretty sure they would not be my friends anymore.
Most of the time I'm hurting all over. I couldn't wait to get out of the classes in which I were feeling tired and dizzy. I don't know how am I gonna get through tomorrow, let alone rest of the year.
Good luck to me and all of you.
<3
I've come back to school. And as one of my friends put it in the words "the teachers are depressing, the place is depressing, the fact that we're here is depressing" is so true and i've got no better way to put it myself. i was glad some other person (who is not depressed at all) seems to feel the same.
Writing what I've been feeling and what's going on with me seems to be working for me to feel better so I will continue.
Yesterday was the day that my family was bringing me back. My sister said to me 'Now care about your classes and 2 years later you can be depressed all you want' or something like that. That really hurt. I don't choose to be depressed. I really am feeling down. She is obviously thinking that I'm causing a scene. It hurt a lot. So whole day I only had a cup of coffee. And that was it. Somehow I didn't feel hungry. And when I came to school, I said 'dont kiss or hug me' to my poor mum who was trying to say goodbye. I feel awfully sorry about it. So when she called today I tried to be nice. But her call lasted like 30 seconds because I couldn't find anything to say, especially something nice. I can't help it. I either start crying or I shut up. So shutting up was better for her to feel better.
Weirdly enough, I found some things to talk about with my dad online and I seem to treat him nicer. Which sucks because my mum is the one who takes care of me while my dad doesn't give a shit at all. But I just felt sorry for him also when he was saying that he had no money left because of the economic crisis and all...
Anyway today, too I haven't eaten anything but an apple until dinner where I ate whole bunch of stuff.
It's just weird for me because I used to have a regular eating habits. I seem to forget to eat until afternoon where my stomach starts making noises. This was only for these 2 days though. While I'm sure it's gonna get normal soon, I kinda wanted to not eat until the point where I would faint out. Because then my family would come to take me, which means I would go home. For some time at least. Just a thought.
It was first day of the school and it sucked. I didn't enjoy anything. Seeing some friends felt kinda nice but then again, I spent whole day trying to hide my scars. I did a good job of it too.
Oh and I received 2 packages back from friends back at home. I cried. I guess both because I miss them and because it felt good to be loved. Then I called one of them and we talked for a long time. I love them but still, I put on a mask talking to them for not to lose them. If they knew I had scars from cutting myself, and that I wanted to kill myself all the time, I'm pretty sure they would not be my friends anymore.
Most of the time I'm hurting all over. I couldn't wait to get out of the classes in which I were feeling tired and dizzy. I don't know how am I gonna get through tomorrow, let alone rest of the year.
Good luck to me and all of you.
<3