(no subject)
Let's just say I really need to scream. Since I can't, I am gonna write them. So criticize me as a stupid, sad, cutter teenager as you (people in general) often do, but I am gonna write whatever I want anyway. So here goes:
I feel like shit.
Today I slept most of the time. Then at one point I was listening to music and reading a book, trying to avoid people in the room when my sister tells me to turn down the music because she could hear it through my earphones.
Now I know there's no problem with this. Nothing wrong.
But noo I had to get mad, go upstairs, see the razor blades in the bathroom and well, all else follows, as usual.
I cut only a little - and it helped too. I felt better, much better.
2 hours later I feel like shit again and just wanna cut more. This time I actually really wanted that I would bleed to death.
I have to go back to school on Sunday - I hate that place and everytime I think about it, well I cut more.
But I hate staying here too, somehow. I like it better here, but still there's this huge sadness inside me. Just there, it just never goes away. Whatever I do, whereever I am. It just gets bigger when I go to school.
On top of all that, I heard my mum from upstairs - she was telling my sister that she cries in the mornings because of me. I really am a complete piece of shit. She doesn't deserve this.
And then I heard my sister saying that I'm still not over the death of my best friend. Shit, you're right I am not, cause you know why, you don't get over something like that so easily.
She doesn't know me and neither does my mum. So why do they keep talking about me with their theories?
But these days I can't help but hate my mum and my sister. People who promised to take me back to school on tuesday, but decided I should go on sunday anyway. I know this isn't a big deal - then why can't I just get over it and love them, like normal people do?
God, they are so nice and lovely. Seriously. Then why can't I help myself but treat them like shit?
That's because I am one. They don't deserve this. What the hell is wrong with me?
That's why I cut. I punish myself. That's the least I can do.
I have absolutely no hope of myself. I am gonna be as hopeless as I am right now, in my entire life.