LOCI Fic: TILL I AM MYSELF AGAIN - Final Chapter
TILL I AM MYSELF AGAIN, Chapter 10/10
Please see Prologue for disclaimers.
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The next few days are bright and warm, suffused with a lazy contentment that seems all the more precious because of how hard it’s been to achieve. Of course, it’s not entirely smooth sailing - for one thing, they establish pretty conclusively that one room is not enough living space for the two of them - but the arguments don’t…hurt as much, now. Alex is seeing less of that bitter, defeated look that twists her gut every time it crosses Bobby’s face, and they’re both sleeping through the night.
“I don’t know whether it’s being away from work and the city and everything…or just being finally ready to deal with all the crap, or what,” she says to her sister on the phone on Thursday evening. “But he and I have talked more in the past week than we have in - God, months, I think.”
“Good,” says Jen firmly. Then a teasing note creeps into her voice. “But I hope you haven’t just been talking. You do know there are…other ways to reconnect, right?”
Alex rolls her eyes. “Yes. Things are fine in that department too, thank you very much. And that’s all I’m going to say, so you can just give up right now.”
“Come on… I have to get my kicks vicariously,” Jen protests. “I’m the mother of a toddler, for God’s sake. And also the wife of a cop who got stuck with the graveyard shift for the freakin’ third week in a row...”
“Really? Geez, poor Mike. Poor you.”
“Yeah,” Jen sighs, sounding tired. “We’re ships passing in the night these days, he and I…only we pass at dinner time. Yikes - Owen, honey, give me that. Here, how about a cracker instead? Why don’t we get you into your high chair…”
Jen’s voice fades out for a second, and Alex winces in sympathy, picturing her sister jamming the phone between her shoulder and her ear, struggling with Owen and the straps on the chair and the box of crackers.
“Sorry.” Jen comes back, a little breathless. “He’s got this thing with his crayons, since last week - wants to taste all the colours. Gross, right?”
“Yeah,” Alex chuckles. “Hey, look, we’re coming home tomorrow night, but I don’t have to go back to work until Monday. I could take Owen on the weekend - give you and Mike a chance to have some time together…”
“Oh…that sounds wonderful,” says Jen wistfully. “Are you sure, though? You’re supposed to be taking it easy. That was the whole point of this vacation.”
“Of course I’m sure. I’ll have had two weeks of taking it easy. And…let’s just say I’m very much sold on the benefits of getting away with one’s significant other, these days.”
“I’ll bet.” Jen’s suggestive grin is clear in her voice. “Where is he, anyway? Bobby, I mean.”
“I’m waiting for him. We’re supposed to be going for a walk down by the lake, but there’s this second-hand bookstore…he knows the owner, and he stopped to pick up a book he ordered for his mom. And, well…you know how when you send Mike to the grocery store for milk…”
“He comes back with milk and bananas and ice cream and two kinds of bread? Yeah. Like it’s wrong to go to the checkout with just one thing.”
“Right. Well, Bobby’s like that with books. We’ll be on a case and he’ll say he’s going to the library to look something up, and I won’t see him again for two hours. And then he reappears with a pile of books, and only one or two of them have anything to do with the reason he went in the first place.”
“Ah. I’m guessing the same applies to bookstores.”
“Yup,” Alex says resignedly.
She had to admit that the shop was kind of neat. There were thousands of books, stacked two layers deep on the shelves and in dusty, tottering piles on the floor. History, geography, poetry, science fiction, romance, biology, physics, astronomy…after five minutes she’d given up trying to figure out the filing system, recognizing the sort of creative chaos that only makes sense from inside the mind that came up with it. No wonder Bobby likes this place, she’d thought, smiling to herself.
She’d rounded a stack and found her partner running a finger along the spines at eye level, a pile of books he’d already pulled out balanced precariously in the crook of his other arm. She’d grinned, shaken her head and left him to it, abandoning the shop for a bench outside. The street was quiet and peaceful, and she could see the lake from where she sat, rippling blue and orange-gold in the setting sun. She’d been gazing out at the water for almost an hour, mind blissfully and luxuriously blank, before Jen’s call.
“I’m about ready to go in and drag him out,” she continues. “It’s getting dark. The place must be closing soon. But he’s having so much fun.”
She looks back at the store, and sees Bobby in the window, watching her. Huh. How long has he been standing there? Then she wonders how she’s so sure that he’s actually looking at her, since the light is behind him and his face is in shadow. But she knows; it’s as if she can feel the warmth of his gaze on her skin.
“Alex?” Jen’s voice pulls her out of her trance.
“Sorry. I’m here.”
“Got distracted, huh? I bet I can guess by whom…”
“Shut up,” she says, laughing.
“Okay, okay.” Then, serious all of a sudden, Jen says tentatively, “You sound good, Al. Rested. Happy. I’m - I’m so glad.”
“Yeah,” Alex says, throat suddenly a little tight. “Me too.”
In the small silence that follows, the door of the bookshop opens with a jingle and Bobby emerges.
“Listen, I should go, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay? And I meant it, about taking Owen when I get back. Tell Mike.”
“I will - and thanks. Say hi to Bobby.”
Alex flips the phone shut and looks up at her partner.
“I was about to send in a search party.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” He comes round and joins her on the bench. “It’s just - he has a really great selection, and every time I go there’s new stuff…”
He catches her amused glance. “What?”
“Nothing.” Impulsively she leans forward and kisses him, soft and lingering. At first she can feel his surprise - hell, she’s a little surprised at herself for not caring that they’re sitting in plain sight on the street - but in the next breath he relaxes into the caress. After a long moment, she lets him up for air and he blinks at her with a dazed half-smile.
“You’re very…affectionate, these days.”
She looks away, glad of the hair that falls in front of her face. He’s right; it’s unusual for her to be the more effusive one, especially in public - but she has privately decided it’s past time she got over that particular inhibition.
“I’m just…glad to be here with you.”
His arm tightens around her. “Likewise.”
“And…” she continues slowly, unsure how he’ll take the other thing she wants to say. “I’ve noticed that your mom…she - well, she’s not very demonstrative.”
She feels him tense up beside her. “It’s just how she is…schizophrenics often have trouble with body language…showing emotion…”
“Yeah, I know. I’m not judging her…but…” She lifts a hand to his cheek. “I think you’ve got a lot of affection owed to you.”
“And you’ve appointed yourself to redress the imbalance?”
There’s a barely-perceptible edge to his voice. She can’t quite read the look in his eyes, but she’s pretty sure she knows what he’s thinking.
“Yes.” She slides her hand around to the back of his neck and fixes him with a mock glare. “And not out of pity, Goren, so don’t even start. I have a selfish ulterior motive.”
He clears his throat. “Oh?”
“What, I have to spell it out for you?” He just looks at her stubbornly. “Fine,” she says tartly. You asked for it, buddy.
She tilts her head and, very deliberately, presses an open-mouthed kiss to the underside of his jaw.
“I like to touch you,” she says quietly, her lips brushing against his throat. He shivers, and she spreads her other hand on his thigh, slowly tracing the in-seam of his jeans from his knee towards his groin, trying not to feel silly. This kind of overt seductiveness has never been her style - but there’s no way she’s backing off now. She has a point to prove, damn it. She tries to focus on the catch in his breathing, the tensing of his leg muscles beneath her fingers, the softness of the warm skin just behind his ear when she touches her lips there.
He’ll stop me before I actually commit public indecency, she tells herself. Probably.
She suppresses a slightly hysterical giggle and closes her teeth on his earlobe in a gentle, wet tug. Bobby jerks his knees shut and grabs her hand.
"Jesus, Alex!" he gasps, half laughing, half pleading. She grins at him triumphantly.
"Come on, let’s walk."
"Not sure I can," Bobby mutters. But he lets her pull him up, and they find their way down to the lakeside path. It’s dark and quiet, lined with rustling trees separating them from the town on one side, and the moonlit lake on the other. She keeps hold of his hand, tracing small circles with her thumb on the inside of his wrist, feeling the pulse beating steadily there. If only we could bottle this peace and take it home with us, she thinks wistfully. She knows she's as ready as she'll ever be to go back to work and life and everything else, and she thinks her partner is too - but she also knows how hard it'll be hard to maintain this feeling of strength and safety and...togetherness, once they're in the thick of it again.
I won't forget. I won't let him forget either. She tightens her grip on his hand, a silent promise. He looks down at her and smiles questioningly, but before she can start to explain he stops walking, distracted by something over her shoulder.
"Hey - that's the motel, through there." Sure enough, when she turns she can see the lights, and a narrow footpath coming down the hill through the trees, and continuing towards the lake on the other side.
"Do you want to go in?” he asks. She contemplates him for a second and then shakes her head.
“Nah. Let’s go make out on the beach instead.”
His eyebrows fly up. She chuckles and turns away, knowing that he’ll follow her down the path towards the lake.
“I like this new side of you,” he mutters behind her as they pick their way through the trees.
So do I, she thinks with profound satisfaction.
When they come out of the trees onto the sandy shore, the little beach is silent and still and awash with moonlight.
“Wow,” says Alex, caught by the beauty of it. Beside her, Bobby lets out a long breath.
“Yeah.” He tugs gently on her hand, pulling her down beside him. She comes willingly into his arms, and they sit there for a long moment, close and quiet, watching the moonlight glittering on the water.
“I'm kind of sorry we have to leave tomorrow," he says suddenly into the silence. Then he chuckles a little, ruefully. "And that’s got to be a first…usually I'm glad to leave. And then I feel guilty for being glad."
She lifts her head from his shoulder and smiles at him. “Lot of firsts, on this trip.”
“Yeah.” He smiles back, slow and contented and sure - and just like that, like the last drop that makes the cup overflow, from one breath to the next she’s lost. And found. Free and clear and simple.
“Here’s another,” she says softly. “I love you.”
The words come out a little wobbly, but not from fear or even nerves, she realizes with wonder. All she feels is a deep, slow-rising happiness so strong and all-encompassing that she’s trembling a little with the effort of containing it. She watches Bobby’s face, cataloguing it with aching tenderness. Remember this. Remember.
He’s staring at her with bright, starving eyes, and she’s not even sure he’s breathing. Then his lips quirk uncontrollably and she feels a huge grin stretching across her face in response.
“Say it again,” he says, his arms tightening around her.
“What, didn’t you hear me the first time?” she teases.
“Yeah, but - just - ”
“I love you.” She isn’t sure whether the hitch in her voice is laughter or tears or both. “I am crazy, head-over-heels in love with you, Robert Goren.”
He pulls her hard against him, so close that she can feel his heart thudding against her breasts.
“God, me too. With you, I mean.”
“Say it again,” she says, into the crook of his neck.
“I love you. I love you.”
He pulls back to look at her, framing her face with trembling fingers, and his expression sears her heart - naked and open and blazing with feeling, all the walls crumbling.
“Alex,” he mutters. “I’ve never…I don’t…”
“Don’t you dare say you don’t deserve this. Don’t you dare.” Her voice sounds strange to her ears, broken and angry. Goddamn martyr complex, she thinks incoherently, I swear I’ll kick his ass if he starts that again…
Bobby swallows hard. “Okay.” He takes a ragged breath. “But…this…it feels like tempting fate. In m-more ways than one.”
“I know. God, don’t I know it...” She presses her forehead to his. “But…could you stop? Take it back?”
“No - no. ” He kisses her hungrily. “No.”
She holds his head to hers and kisses him back, again and again until the wave of desperate emotion slows and softens into warm, liquid longing.
“Let’s go back to the room,” he says, lips tracing the line of her jaw, when they have to stop to breathe.
“What’s wrong with here?” She’s only half kidding, shivering with sudden urgency as his tongue curves around her ear and his palm covers her breast through her shirt.
“Sand,” he mumbles. “In really uncomfortable places.”
She laughs breathlessly into his shoulder. “Oh, well, if you put it that way…”
Reluctantly she disentangles and stands up, dizzy and vibrating all over with need. She watches Bobby stand up stiffly in his turn, and chuckles. He narrows his eyes at her, but his mock-annoyed look collapses almost immediately into a helpless grin, tinged with awe.
“What?” She pushes her hair behind her ears, resisting the impulse to squirm a little under his gaze. He lets out a long breath, gesturing towards her.
“I just…I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now.”
She inhales shakily. “Oh, Bobby…”
“I know it’s different for you…this isn’t the first time…” He rubs the back of his neck, abruptly awkward again. “I don’t expect you to feel…I just wanted you to know…”
“Hey.” She cuts him off gently, stepping close. “It’s…God, it’s weird to be thinking of Rory right now. But I can’t help it, I guess.”
“That’s okay,” says Bobby softly. She gazes up at him, shaking her head.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” He shrugs and looks away in embarrassed, automatic denial, and she reaches for him. “No, listen, this is important.”
She takes a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about Rory because - because I’m happy with you. I’m happier than I’ve been since he died. Happier than I ever thought I’d be again.”
She stops abruptly. I’d given up, she realizes. I’d really given up on ever feeling this way again. She trembles, overwhelmed with grief and gratitude.
“Alex…” Bobby’s voice is rough. “That’s - God, I want you to be happy. I want to - to be happy with you. But I’m terrified that I won’t…that I can’t…with everything, my mother, and…”
She brushes away tears and laces her fingers through his.
“Know what I think? I think we’ll be okay. Better than okay. This - you and me - we’ve fucking earned it. Every step of the way for the past seven years.”
He snorts darkly. “Blood, sweat and tears…just what everyone wants in a relationship, right?”
“It’s what I want. This relationship is what I want,” she says quietly. “I love you, remember?” She repeats it deliberately, just because she can, now. And because she really likes the way he can’t seem to help smiling when she says it.
“I love you too.”
And, okay, she really, really likes hearing him say it back.
They stand there grinning like fools for a few more seconds, and then she lifts her eyebrows at him and breaks out her best long-suffering tone.
“Now can we please go to bed?”
He laughs out loud, a sharp bark of surprise and delight, and the air between them fizzles and sparkles with sudden, giddy joy.
“Hell, yes,” he says with an emphasis that makes her shiver. “Lead the way.”
******
Love took a long time, it followed me here
And it landed on light feet, and it whispered in my ear
Love spoke of my past as a valuable test
And smiled, and said she who loves last loves best
'Cause you know life is hard, but now you also know your mind,
So now you're going out to love, but on your own side this time
So I'll keep you wondering what time I'm arriving
And you'll drive me crazy with your backseat driving
And I'll talk in my sleep and you'll steal all the covers
We'll argue it out and we'll call ourselves lovers
And I'll stay in my body and you'll stay in your own
'Cause we know that we're born and we're dying alone.
So we turn out the light while the sirens are screaming
And we kiss for the waking, and then join the dreaming.
In love, but not at peace
In love, but not at peace.
-- Dar Williams, In Love But Not At Peace
THE END
Thank you all so much for reading.