i've woken up and forgotten who i am
i'm going to sit here and write the things i want to say. i wish i had someone to talk to about everything, but i don't. it's better to get things out of me and try to get out of this terrible mood. this has happened so many times, that i don't want to go through it anymore. when i say "this has happened" i really mean 2 different situations. but they do happen all of the time and i should be accustomed to it all by now. no person should ever get used to these things happening so i don't feel like i'm in the wrong. i don't feel like explaining what happened on live journal, because i'm not looking for help, just something to rant to.
i never wanted to be a sinical person, but i am. it's just how things go. i'm too mean of a person to keep everything inside, so i try to turn them into jokes. most people can't hang, so they fade out. that's fine. because if someone can't return the sinicism then that person doesn't seem intelligent to me, and not useful to keep around. i'm not here to talk shit on anyone at all, i just know that i put myself in this position and now i need to deal with it.
the other situation is something that i have grown used to, even though i say i'm not. i am. it has happened so many times my entire life that it's nothing new, and it never will be. this is the reason why i don't get my hopes up, and i don't try to make things happen in my life anymore. i don't seem to be someone that anyone wants to keep around or build anything with. i think i have too many character flaws. last night when i thought that everything was going perfectly (i was able to tell him exactly what i wanted to say from the moment that he walked into my work, and he had the exact response that i was hoping to hear) they changed for the worse and i don't know how to go back from what happened. i guess i could just talk to him, because all i've ever wanted was someone to be open with and have them understand how i feel. i've never had that. i definitely don't want to be like other girls that have just given up and stopped calling. the problem is, is that i don't know what his intentions were at all and i'm so confused. i don't want to press forward too hard and i don't want to hear "i'm not really looking for anything right now." the things we talked about lead me to believe that his situation was completely the opposite and he's dealing with the same things that i am right now. so to hear those words would be the worst ever (even though i've gotten them before this time would be the big one.) i'm pretty sure i would really close off from the world even further than i already am.
nothing sucks more than being used to not getting your hopes up and not having expectations, and the significant times you let optimism win over reality be the ones that let you down. it's better to coast through life never having to deal with defeat.
i never wanted to be a sinical person, but i am. it's just how things go. i'm too mean of a person to keep everything inside, so i try to turn them into jokes. most people can't hang, so they fade out. that's fine. because if someone can't return the sinicism then that person doesn't seem intelligent to me, and not useful to keep around. i'm not here to talk shit on anyone at all, i just know that i put myself in this position and now i need to deal with it.
the other situation is something that i have grown used to, even though i say i'm not. i am. it has happened so many times my entire life that it's nothing new, and it never will be. this is the reason why i don't get my hopes up, and i don't try to make things happen in my life anymore. i don't seem to be someone that anyone wants to keep around or build anything with. i think i have too many character flaws. last night when i thought that everything was going perfectly (i was able to tell him exactly what i wanted to say from the moment that he walked into my work, and he had the exact response that i was hoping to hear) they changed for the worse and i don't know how to go back from what happened. i guess i could just talk to him, because all i've ever wanted was someone to be open with and have them understand how i feel. i've never had that. i definitely don't want to be like other girls that have just given up and stopped calling. the problem is, is that i don't know what his intentions were at all and i'm so confused. i don't want to press forward too hard and i don't want to hear "i'm not really looking for anything right now." the things we talked about lead me to believe that his situation was completely the opposite and he's dealing with the same things that i am right now. so to hear those words would be the worst ever (even though i've gotten them before this time would be the big one.) i'm pretty sure i would really close off from the world even further than i already am.
nothing sucks more than being used to not getting your hopes up and not having expectations, and the significant times you let optimism win over reality be the ones that let you down. it's better to coast through life never having to deal with defeat.