Argentina's Birthday Present to Me Just Keeps On Giving
Happy Birthday to me from Bill:
Who DOESN'T want a Sad Frog cake on their big day? Freaks, that's who!
FREAKS!
So I recently stumbled upon celebmatch.com. If you can't tell by the hopelessly suggestive name of the site, you select your birthdate from convenient pull-down menus and it calculates the celebrities you are best matched with based on biorhythms. (If you need a brief rundown of what biorhythms are from a negatively biased site, go here.) I'm not sure you can imagine the extent of my mind boggling once I hit that "Submit" button with my birthdate intact. Out sprang five names and five scores:
This would have been less strange if, for one thing, the people had been actual "celebrities" as in people I'd heard of/been bombarded about from various media sources. But no, I got a couple of South American soccer players, a douchey actor, a supergirly actor, and a racecar driver. I'd only heard of one of these people and only heard vaguely of another one. But let's focus: first on the list is Carlos Tevas. Heard of the guy? I hadn't. I went to Google Image search and popped in his name. This is what I got:
Not a good first impression for someone I'm supposed to have raging chemistry with. Some alarm went off in my head and I KNEW I had seen that face before.
Totally taking me back to my youth! Does that mean Carlos could be the One?
Next on the list:
Chad Michael Murray comes off as one of the douchiest men on the planet. His ranking as Number 2 would have been more like an open-hand slap if it wasn't so much like a gut punch.
Number 3:
Jesse Spencer. Jesse Spencer from Uptown Girls. YEAH. Most of the Jesse Spencer photos I managed to corral gave the impression that something is wrong with him in the face. I couldn't tell if he was just mysteriously feminine or a generic 90's hot guy (often interchangeable qualities). Maybe I should give him a break since he's Australian and is on a decent show now. But he looks like he wears lip gloss. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Except that the lip gloss plus his 97% compatibility score further proves celebmatch.com is total crap.
Speeding his way to spot Number 4:
When I saw the name Narain Karthikeyan on that list, I admit it looked like gibberish. It took a few seconds of straining for me to see it had to be a real person. I haven't watched any Formula One racing since I was about 13 so, no, this guy's face is totally new to me. I noticed he likes to stand with his arms crossed, as if to convey the aloof-but-cool shy guy. In this picture, however, he looks more like a sly guy. He's been nicknamed the Fastest Indian In the World but could he also perhaps be the world's first famous Mischievous Indian Guy? It's about time!
Number 5:
Cristiano Ronaldo. The name was vaguely familiar in a notorious-for-behaving-badly kind of way. I'm not entirely certain about his real character or ability to grab headlines since I didn't look that deeply into it. He's pretty ripped and can look smokin' hot, but most of the time his head seems too small for his body, a problem most women would overlook. I'M NOT MOST WOMEN.
After all of this, you'd think I would have chosen one of these young men as the perfect suiter of my biorhythmically beating heart. But no, that didn't happen. So I decided to browse through more pictures of Carlos since, well, I have to admit his face really "grabbed" (and shook) me when I first saw it. More pictures proved his amazing talent for facial expressions as well as his down-to-earth set of teeth (c'mon, he plays a rough sport!). Once I became familiar enough with Carlos and his madcap soccer field antics (and his painful-to-look-at neck scar), I knew he was the One. Don't believe me? I'll prove that he tops all those other pansies, no questions asked.
Chad Michael Murray with A Cinderella Story co-star Hilary Duff? Carlos makes this whole situation 1000% better.
Jesse Spencer, that cuddly guy who upstaged Brittany Murphy's beauty and Dakota Fanning's childlike innocence in a mercifully forgettable film? Like parmesan sprinkled on top of anything, Carlos makes this better.
Narain might have used his speedy expertise to attempt scoring my eternally undying love, but Carlos and his dreamy dreadlocks deserve all the flowers Indian women can give.
All you folks out there thought C. Ron was the only pro athlete capable of draping himself so seductively across Jessica Miller's bikini-ed form/crotch, but you were wrong. Carlos is obviously in a league of his own.
I think I'm in love.
Who DOESN'T want a Sad Frog cake on their big day? Freaks, that's who!
FREAKS!
So I recently stumbled upon celebmatch.com. If you can't tell by the hopelessly suggestive name of the site, you select your birthdate from convenient pull-down menus and it calculates the celebrities you are best matched with based on biorhythms. (If you need a brief rundown of what biorhythms are from a negatively biased site, go here.) I'm not sure you can imagine the extent of my mind boggling once I hit that "Submit" button with my birthdate intact. Out sprang five names and five scores:
This would have been less strange if, for one thing, the people had been actual "celebrities" as in people I'd heard of/been bombarded about from various media sources. But no, I got a couple of South American soccer players, a douchey actor, a supergirly actor, and a racecar driver. I'd only heard of one of these people and only heard vaguely of another one. But let's focus: first on the list is Carlos Tevas. Heard of the guy? I hadn't. I went to Google Image search and popped in his name. This is what I got:
Not a good first impression for someone I'm supposed to have raging chemistry with. Some alarm went off in my head and I KNEW I had seen that face before.
Totally taking me back to my youth! Does that mean Carlos could be the One?
Next on the list:
Chad Michael Murray comes off as one of the douchiest men on the planet. His ranking as Number 2 would have been more like an open-hand slap if it wasn't so much like a gut punch.
Number 3:
Jesse Spencer. Jesse Spencer from Uptown Girls. YEAH. Most of the Jesse Spencer photos I managed to corral gave the impression that something is wrong with him in the face. I couldn't tell if he was just mysteriously feminine or a generic 90's hot guy (often interchangeable qualities). Maybe I should give him a break since he's Australian and is on a decent show now. But he looks like he wears lip gloss. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Except that the lip gloss plus his 97% compatibility score further proves celebmatch.com is total crap.
Speeding his way to spot Number 4:
When I saw the name Narain Karthikeyan on that list, I admit it looked like gibberish. It took a few seconds of straining for me to see it had to be a real person. I haven't watched any Formula One racing since I was about 13 so, no, this guy's face is totally new to me. I noticed he likes to stand with his arms crossed, as if to convey the aloof-but-cool shy guy. In this picture, however, he looks more like a sly guy. He's been nicknamed the Fastest Indian In the World but could he also perhaps be the world's first famous Mischievous Indian Guy? It's about time!
Number 5:
Cristiano Ronaldo. The name was vaguely familiar in a notorious-for-behaving-badly kind of way. I'm not entirely certain about his real character or ability to grab headlines since I didn't look that deeply into it. He's pretty ripped and can look smokin' hot, but most of the time his head seems too small for his body, a problem most women would overlook. I'M NOT MOST WOMEN.
After all of this, you'd think I would have chosen one of these young men as the perfect suiter of my biorhythmically beating heart. But no, that didn't happen. So I decided to browse through more pictures of Carlos since, well, I have to admit his face really "grabbed" (and shook) me when I first saw it. More pictures proved his amazing talent for facial expressions as well as his down-to-earth set of teeth (c'mon, he plays a rough sport!). Once I became familiar enough with Carlos and his madcap soccer field antics (and his painful-to-look-at neck scar), I knew he was the One. Don't believe me? I'll prove that he tops all those other pansies, no questions asked.
Chad Michael Murray with A Cinderella Story co-star Hilary Duff? Carlos makes this whole situation 1000% better.
Jesse Spencer, that cuddly guy who upstaged Brittany Murphy's beauty and Dakota Fanning's childlike innocence in a mercifully forgettable film? Like parmesan sprinkled on top of anything, Carlos makes this better.
Narain might have used his speedy expertise to attempt scoring my eternally undying love, but Carlos and his dreamy dreadlocks deserve all the flowers Indian women can give.
All you folks out there thought C. Ron was the only pro athlete capable of draping himself so seductively across Jessica Miller's bikini-ed form/crotch, but you were wrong. Carlos is obviously in a league of his own.
I think I'm in love.