i gave up the anchor
Title: i gave up the anchor
Pairing: ryan lochte/michael phelps
Rating: PG (?)
Warning: Real person fiction; real person slash; didn't happen, won't happen
Notes: This is set a few years in the future when Hilary is married and has kids, because, to my knowledge, she doesn't currently. Also, I neither know nor care enough to research where she lives, so, in this story, she lives somewhere in Florida, probably about an hour away from Ryan. 1,424 words.
Hilary opened the door to find a very wet Michael Phelps at her door. Her first thought was that Ryan dumped him, because why else would Michael be at her door at 10 at night, when he had told her, only hours earlier, that he was going out with Lochte to celebrate their 2 year anniversary.
“Do I have to go kick his ass?” Hilary led Michael inside. The man was shivering, raindrops clinging to his beard and matting his hair to his forehead. “Cause I will. I’ll kick his ass.”
“What?” Michael seemed distracted. He accepted the cup of hot cocoa Hilary offered him and sat on her couch. A part of her wanted to tell him not to drip all over her fancy new rug, but Hilary bit her lip because it really didn’t seem like the time for that. Michael looked around the room, clutching his coat tighter to himself. “Where’s everyone else?”
“The kids are asleep. Doug is still on that business trip-he’ll be back home tomorrow night.” She spoke to the side of his head. Michael had his head in his hands and he was looking down. “Michael, what are you doing here?”
Michael rubbed at his temples. He didn’t respond.
“What did Ryan do? Why are you here?” Hilary rubbed his shoulder. “I was serious before, you know. If Lochte hurt you even a little bit, you just tell me, and I’ll be over there faster than-”
“No.” Michael shook his head, eyes still locked on the floor. “He didn’t do anything wrong, you don’t have to beat anyone up, Hil.”
Hilary relaxed a little when she heard him use her nickname. “Okay. So what’s up? Not that I don’t love your company and all, but, you know, it’s late. You could’ve come tomorrow morning if you wanted to see your big sis so bad.”
“I-he told me he loves me.”
“He what?”
“He told me he loves me.”
Hilary pressed her lips together, not entirely sure what to say to that. She wrapped her arms around him, and, under her fingers, she could feel Michael shaking. “Then what are you doing here with me? Why aren’t you back in Gainesville, telling him that you love him too-cause I know you do.”
Michael pulled back, and his nose was red. “I can’t, Hil. I hurt people that I love-all the time. I’m tired of hurting people. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“So, what, that’s it? It’s over?”
He nodded. “Yeah, it’s better this way. I know it is. He’ll hurt for a while maybe, and so will I, but then it’ll be over and we’ll both move on. He’ll find someone better, someone that won’t hurt him so much, and he deserves that. He fucking deserves that.” Hilary watched as fresh tears filled Michael’s eyes to the brim. “I just want him to be happy, you know?”
“You love him.”
“So what if I do?” Michael’s voice was rising. “It doesn’t fucking matter. I’m a fucking mess, Hilary, you know that. I don’t care if he loves me or I love him-I’m not good for him. I’m like a poison sometimes, and it’s just better for everyone if I stay away.”
“That’s not true Michael, you’ve been with Ryan for 2 years now, if not more, and I can tell that he’s happy with you-”
“Maybe, but he’s not. Fuck, I try not to, but sometimes I just do these things that-I hate it Hil. I hate seeing the look on his face when I hurt him. And it was okay before, because I didn’t think it really meant anything, but now he says that he loves me-and I can’t. I can’t stand to be the reason that he stops smiling.”
Hilary fell silent, watching the color flood Michael’s face and the way he tried to blink back fast flowing tears. She had never really thought about how much their dad had messed Michael up-but now she did. She always knew that Michael had had trouble staying in relationships, and she had always attributed that to Michael’s ridiculous obsession with the pool. But now, he was retired, and he still had the same issues. Hilary realized that maybe these problems stemmed much deeper than Olympic medals and keeping record titles.
“Michael, you have to give Ryan credit. If he was miserable, he would’ve left you a long time ago. Relationships are two way streets. This isn’t just about you-don’t fucking make it just about you.”
Michael swallowed thickly and didn’t answer.
“Maybe you hurt him, but maybe you also made him laugh. Maybe the pain was worth it. Listen to me. There’ve been moments that I’ve wanted to throw Doug out the window because he could be a real fucking idiot sometimes-but the fact of the matter is, he makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel more complete than I’ve felt with anyone else in my entire life. That’s what love is.” She lifts Michael’s chin up so that he’s looking straight at him, and suddenly they’re both kids again. She’s 15 and he’s 8, and she’s giving him advice about the mean kid next door that picked on him or the little girl in his 3rd grade class that he had a crush on. It’s the same, just a little more serious. “And I know you’ve still got issues, we all do. But you can’t just shove people aside until you figure all your shit out. People aren’t going to wait forever for you, Michael.”
“I’m not asking them to-”
“Ryan loves you. He does. I’ve seen it in his eyes. I’ve seen the way his face lights up when you walk into a room. I’ve seen the way he looks at you-like you’re the most amazing thing to ever happen to him. And you love him too.” Hilary felt something squeeze at her heart.
“Hilary, I can’t trust myself to not hurt him. I’m going to fuck this up. I know it. He’s going to end it sooner or later anyways, if I don’t end it now.”
Hilary stared at her little brother for the longest time. She took in the damp brown hair, and the bloodshot eyes, and the dark washed jeans, and the Nike T-shirt under his coat. She saw him throughout the years, from the hyper little boy to the scrawny awkward teen to the determined confident Olympian-and she realized that maybe Mike wasn’t really as strong as he always appeared to be. He was so successful and so tough that sometimes Hilary forgot that, underneath it all, there was still the shy and insecure boy that she had grown up with.
“Michael, you think that being with someone has to end with someone getting hurt. Either you get hurt or you hurt someone else-but it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s so much more than pain. One day, you’re gonna wake up and realize that you can just love and be loved and everything will be like summer. Maybe not all the time, but enough to make it count.”
Michael sniffed, and his voice was soft when he answered. “You think?”
She nodded. “Now go. Go back to Ryan. You guys love each other, and that’s all that matters right now.” She stood up and walked to the door, yanking Michael with her. She shoved him and his suitcase outside, jutting her chin forward at the cab that was still parked in front of her house.
Michael looked at the cab and then back at her. “I-thanks Hil. I mean, it means a lot.”
Hilary felt tears sting her eyes, as she pulled Michael into a hug. “Of course. Olympian or not, you’re still my baby brother, and I’ll look after you, bro. Now go. Seriously. Ryan won’t wait forever, you know.”
Michael nodded quickly, and hurried down the steps to the cab. He turned back and waved. “Bye, Hil! I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She watched as Michael drove off and smiled, shaking her head. He really was the same idiot that he was years ago, just a little older and little more famous. Hilary went inside, shutting the door behind her, and hoped that Michael would be able to make it work with Ryan. Because, he deserved it. She didn’t think that he believed it, but Michael deserved to be happy. Hilary hoped that her brother realized that.