Twist Fic: The Matchmakers (Meanwhile, On A Fishing Trip Remix)
From: moon979child
Title: The Matchmakers (Meanwhile, On A Fishing Trip Remix)
Pairing: Tsuyoshi, Yoko, Ryo, and Ohkura perv on Leah Dizon while conversing about other Johnnys and Maya Miki
Rating: R for language and pervasive crudeness
Summary: In The Matchmakers, Koichi, pining for Maya Miki and meeting with mishaps thanks to his glitter-bottomed boots, teamed up with Tackey in an attempt to bring several Johnnys the women of their dreams. Meanwhile, Tsuyoshi had planned a fishing trip with Leah Dizon and made a deal with Yoko, Ryo, and Ohkura, because they ~love~ Leah.
A/N: Although this can be understood apart from the original story, blame win03die for the insanity. Thank you for writing me White Day fic! As in the original, AU to the extent that everyone is single unless stated otherwise. Italics not for emphasis indicate language lifted from the original.
Meanwhile, On A Fishing Trip
As the wind whips through his hair, Domoto Tsuyoshi pushes his thick-rimmed glasses a little higher up his nose and tries not to be too obvious in his attempt to get a good view down Leah Dizon’s cleavage. As the Ponyo Song starts blaring from his phone, he quickly tells Leah to take the next left before answering.
“Do we have movement?”
“No,” Ryo groans from the other end of the line.
“Then why the hell are you calling me? I’m not letting you talk to Leah.”
“We’re calling precisely because there is no movement,” Yoko explains. “You’re on speakerphone by the way.”
“The deal was for you to call me when something happens,” Tsuyoshi growls.
“Your partner has been re-watching the same forty-eight second clip of Shibatora for the last seven hours, thirteen minutes, and seventy-six seconds,” Yoko says firmly. “We thought you ought to know.”
“Alright. I’ll take care of it,” Tsuyoshi rolls his eyes, “but you guys better hold up your end of the deal, and no making shit up either.”
“Of course we’ll keep you informed of everything important that we see or hear,” Ohkura says in a smooth voice, “and I highly doubt we’ll have to make anything up.”
“Seventy-six seconds?” Tsuyoshi asks.
“Yoko’s just stupid like that,” Ryo responds, “and you’d better give us the agreed upon amount of Leah-footage when you get back. The Mirotic PV just isn’t doing it for me anymore.”
“As soon as I’ve made a copy for myself,” Tsuyoshi confirms. “This is Mayonaka Shadow Boy-over and out.”
Tsuyoshi immediately calls Koichi, who is in the middle of assuring Tsuyoshi that he had been splendid until Tsuyoshi disturbed his-“No, no, no! Leah! No! What are you doing? You should’ve taken the left there.” Tsuyoshi ends the call as quickly as possible to assess the safety of his fishing equipment after Leah had jumped on the break and crashed as a result of his outburst.
“I’m sorry,” Leah looks at Tsuyoshi with big eyes and pouty lips.
“It’s ok,” Tsuyoshi replies pointedly to her chest, “since you didn’t break any of my lures. However, I think it would be best for them if you refrained from trying to give me road head while you’re driving from now on.”
“Ok,” Leah’s smile returns. “Do you want to drive for a while?”
Tsuyoshi gulps. “As soon as I mail Koichi and tell him to stop watching Shibatora.” That is all he can manage to do for his partner at this point in time. He is gone fishing with a gravure idol after all.
Meanwhile, On A Couch
Tsuyoshi activates the hands-free device of his phone and turns the reel a few times. “Mayonaka Shadow Boy. What have you got?”
“It seems those boots of Koichi’s don’t do well on slippery surfaces,” Yoko reports. “He wiped out when he went to see Tackey, and we were almost exposed when he started looking at the glittered soles.”
“Well, thank goodness we’re safe for now,” Tsuyoshi replies. “Wait, Tackey? Koichi has the hots for Maya Miki. She’s more in the milf department than the pedo department. Shouldn’t he have gone to KimuTaku or something?”
“At least he isn’t jacking off to Shibatora while Koike Teppei is on the screen anymore,” Ryo offers.
“Maybe that’s where he got confused,” Yoko adds.
“Getting down to business,” Ohkura clears his throat, “how is your end of this deal going?”
“I’m getting some excellent footage as we speak,” Tsuyoshi grins, looking at Leah where he had buried everything except her head and chest under a pile of sand.
“Other than the visit to Tackey, nothing substantive to report here,” Yoko says, “but there are some things you might like to know about Tackey. Tacchon, the Might Like To Know info please.”
“Sure thing. Tackey’s house is full of stuffed animals and also features a number of framed photo’s of Chibi!Yamapi. He likes to lounge around in underwear that he had custom-made with Tsubasa’s face on them. Also, Koichi knocked the couch over from merely jumping when startled, and Tackey made him pick it back up-or rather, attempt to-himself. Finally, I caution everyone: do not let Tackey get you drunk, and do not attempt to have sex on his couch. This is Team Ahoyanen-over and out.”
Before Tsuyoshi can deactivate his hands-free, Leah screams, disrupts her sand pile, and rushes towards him. “Crab! Crab! A tiny crab crawled into my bikini. Do something, Tsu-chan!”
“Just take it off and it will fall out,” Tsuyoshi replies.
“But then I might accidentally touch it!”
“Then let me take it off,” Tsuyoshi focuses his eyes very intently on the task while still managing to tug on his rod a little and hears groaning in his earpiece.
Meanwhile, The Operation Gets A Name
“You called it, Mayonaka Shadow Boy,” Yoko informs. “The first thing Tackey did was take Koichi to KimuTaku for advice. It was kind of shocking, actually, because you don’t expect him to open the door wearing loose jeans, a green apron with daisy patterns-”
“Especially when the apron is on backwards and the jeans are tied around his neck,” Ryo cuts in with a snicker.
“Also in the category of Might Like To Know information,” Ohkura adds, “is that he uses Kose Happy Bath Day Precious Rose lotion.”
“So what did we find out from KimuTaku?” Tsuyoshi questions.
“Only that ‘he doesn't have any specific tactics and that women just come to him with him just standing there,’” Yoko says dejectedly.
“Can’t really blame them if all he has on is a backwards apron and jeans tied around his neck,” Ryo snorts.
“Tackey also took Koichi to see Nakai and Goro,” Yoko continues, “but all we learned from that was that the latter is apparently a true womanizer.
Tsuyoshi trips on his fishing line. “What about Tsuyoshi and Shingo?”
“They must be gay,” Ryo surmises.
“Gay?” Tsuyoshi squawks, tripping over Leah’s fishing line this time. “Impossible. They’re Johnnys. Oh, hold on a second Team Ahoyanen. Leah dear, when you cast your line you have to fling your arm out with as much energy as possible.”
“But I’m kind of tired after last night.”
“Just try it. You’ll know you have it right when your, um, whole body bounces up and down. Sorry for the interruption, guys.”
“Last night?!” Team Ahoyanen screeches in unison.
“Don’t worry; I fish with my glasses on. Anything else on Operation Hook Koichi Up With Maya Miki So The Cameras I Hid In His Apartment Will Finally Be Worth It?”
“We found out Tackey’s strategy,” Yoko replies. “Basically, he’s having Koichi gather seduction advice from his sempais then having him apply what he’s learned to setting up his kouhais in order to develop experience that will eventually result in hooking up with Maya Miki.”
Meanwhile, In A Village
“Next time you order glittery shoes with a hidden camera and microphone,” Yoko says while reviewing footage of Koichi slipping yet again in the rain while Tackey wielded a golden handbag, “make sure your beloved partner can walk in them.”
“Huh,” Tsuyoshi says from the other end of the line, holding his glasses at arms length to get a good shot of Leah’s ass on pretense of looking for spots to clean off of them, “my special order camera glasses seem to be working just fine.”
“Then why haven’t we seen their work-product?” Ryo growls. “Leah’s website doesn’t put up new pictures very often.”
“Um, this is a little off topic,” Ohkura starts, “but looking at this footage I’m wondering whether Tackey’s obsession with that golden handbag is why Tsubasa has been refusing to work with him lately.”
“I thought Tackey was the one refusing on the grounds that Tsubasa’s hideous hair is illegal in forty-two prefectures,” Yoko says, “but getting back to business, today we found out that TOKIO has a village.”
“With a distinct lack of females,” Ohkura adds.
“Except for the sheep,” Ryo puts in.
“Do not even go there,” Ohkura threatens.
“He just meant that women wouldn’t want to go to TOKIO’s village because there are so many sheep there,” Yoko says in an attempt to diffuse the situation.
“That is NOT what I meant!” Ryo screams.
“Sorry,” Yoko apologizes to Tsuyoshi, “he’s just on edge from going through Leah withdrawal.”
“Hey Leah,” Team Ahoyanen hears Tsuyoshi say through their speaker phone, “say something sexy to the camera.”
“What camera?”
“Uh, just pretend I’m the camera,” Tsuyoshi covers.
“Ok,” Leah responds, crawling across the sand to where Tsuyoshi is sitting, “I’m wet, and you’re leaking, so maybe we should pool assets.”
Yoko chokes on his beer, Ohkura chokes on nothing, and Ryo excuses himself to the restroom.
“She learned that from Morimoto Shintaro,” Tsuyoshi explains. “She has no idea what it means. I really hope he doesn’t either. Getting back to TOKIO.”
“Right,” Yoko says, barely regaining his composure, “Koichi and Tackey are now in possession of invites to members-only strip clubs, ‘advice on how to get yourself and the woman naked in a blink of an eye,’ TOKIO’s fifty best classic pickup lines-”
“The top five of which,” Ohkura supplies, “are supposedly: Number Five-‘ Will you be the Badass Uke to my Don’t Fuck With Me Seme?’ Number Four-‘Did you fart? Because you just blew me away!’ Number Three-‘Do you have a brother?’ Number Two-‘How about some Mabodofu?’ And Number One-‘Sumimase~n, NAMPA desu!’”
“TOKIO also gave them their favorite recipes,” Yoko adds.
“Including recipes for,” Ohkura notes, “a Blow Job Shooter, Southern Bondage, Ultimate Bloody Mary Rimming Salt, an Acidic Mindfuck, Bukkake Udon, a MILF Cocktail, Johnny’s Love Juice, a Screaming Orgasm Shooter-”
“I get it,” Tsuyoshi cuts in, “TOKIO are sex-crazed alcoholics. Now if you will excuse me, Leah wants to practice her Japanese some more.”
Meanwhile, Carrots Make Their First Appearance
“V6 is rather boring,” Yoko concludes, “but they might have actually been helpful if Koichi hadn’t been so disillusioned by all his prior adventures with Tackey.”
“If Koichi is in the habit of-as this instance seems to indicate-opening his door clad only in a satin sheet, maybe we should just send Maya Miki over there telling her it’s Fukada Kyoko’s new place,” Ryo suggests. “Speaking of scantily clad people-”
“I’m on it,” Tsuyoshi laughs. “You’re going to take a shower Leah? Try wearing my glasses while you’re in there. It’s pretty awesome the way the water droplets run down them.”
“Do you really think Leah is that stupid?” Ohkura questions.
“If she’s got something up her sleeve that results in me having no footage in the end, you guys are the ones that will be at a loss,” Tsuyoshi replies. “What were V6’s suggestions?”
“Well, Inohara just rambled,” Yoko answers, “but Kamisen’s elements of ‘the guy who gets the girl’ can be condensed into the following five: sexiness, cuteness, the bad boy image, mysteriousness, and a soft side.”
“Hey, if you add ‘asshole’ to those five you’ve got Kame, and together they make Kat-Tun!” Ryo contributes.
“As for Might Like To Know information,” Ohkura chimes in, “apparently, Koichi was clueless that his crush is common knowledge, and he keeps at least ten carrots in his refrigerator.”
“God, I thought only Koyama had that kink,” Ryo groans.
“Okada has girl-part anxiety,” Ohkura continues over Ryo’s noises, “gets turned on by wooden wardrobes, and wants your partner to tell you hello if and when you get back from quote ‘uh, socializing with miss Dizon’ unquote.”
“And now it’s on to the kouhais I guess. You’ll have to keep me updated. Mayonaka Shadow Boy-over and out.” Tsuyoshi flips his phone shut and looks up to see Leah walking out of the bathroom, wearing a robe and twirling the glasses around her finger. “But Koichi doesn’t even eat carrots,” he mumbles to himself, “so what’s this about him and Koyama and some kink?”
“You know,” Leah says, sitting on the bed and hooking the glasses over the V-part of the collar of her robe (with the camera facing inside! Tsuyoshi notes), “compared to most American carrots, Japanese carrots tend to be a little shorter and a lot thicker [ed: true fact!], so they can be used for, uh, things.” Tsuyoshi blanches.
Meanwhile, At The Tokyo Hair Expo
“This is Team Ahoyanen bringing you the Tackey pedo report,” Yoko announces, and Tsuyoshi rolls his eyes and casts another line. “He was sighted with Miyata and Tamamori today during his and Koichi’s attempt at setting up MatsuJun, and rumor has it that he has started liking them a little older nowadays.”
“Others speculate that he just thinks Tamamiya is freaking hot shit together, despite however much Tamamori likes to deny it,” Ohkura adds.
“How did they sneak into Johnnys if they’re gay? Don’t they know that they’ll stand out being so different in an agency like this? LEAH! You’re still not casting right. Let me help; I’ll just stand behind you like this, wrap my arms around you, and-”
“I’m already horny, damn it!” Ryo screams. “Practically having phone sex with Leah Dizon vicariously through Tsuyoshi is doing nothing for my composure.”
“Shut up Nishikido, I’ve got a good angle right now,” Tsuyoshi growls. “So what is this about MatsuJun?”
“It’s no wonder Koichi is destined for misfortune in love matters,” Yoko chuckles, “when his idea of the perfect MatsuJun/Inoue Mao date is the Tokyo Hair Expo followed by a pro wrestling match.”
“That or because his ringtone is Oshiri Kajiri Mushi,” Ohkura adds dryly. “Also, you Might Like To Know that Tackey thinks that quote ‘Jun is a very metrosexual man’ unquote and that Koichi and Tackey’s idea of incognito is long leather coats and oldstyle cowboy hats with colored sunglasses. At the Tokyo Hair Expo. To make matters worse, while in that getup Koichi pointed at Sato Takeru and Miura Haruma and shrieked ‘That is SO gay!’”
“Then the four of them got into a monstrous fistfight,” Yoko continues, “culminating in Koichi agreeing to take back the remark in exchange for a years’ supply of carrots.”
“Yum~,” Ryo says in a deep voice, and Tsuyoshi can hear Ohkura trying to muffle his giggles.
Meanwhile, In Drag
“So today’s conclusion is simple,” Yoko reports. “Jin can pick up blonde Americans just fine without any princely intervention.”
“Also, you Might Like To Know that Koichi thinks your fishing buddy Ohno is the kouhai that needs the most help in getting a girlfriend,” Ohkura says.
“Apparently he’s forgetting about that threesome scandal from a while back,” Yoko comments.
“And Nino,” Ryo adds.
“Yuck,” Tsuyoshi grunts.
“Continuing on,” Ohkura laughs, “Tackey dressed Koichi up as a girl for a disguise and took him clubbing. Jin apparently approved of Tackey’s ‘girl,’ and some guy groped Koichi’s ass.”
“By the way, why do you guys get to do all the reporting?” Ryo whines. “Yoko gives the news, and Tacchon’s in charge of the Might Like To Know segment. Why don’t I have any special jobs?”
Yoko and Ohkura look at each other. “Because you’re too busy perving on Leah,” they say in unison.
“You can report the last item in my section,” Ohkura attempts to pacify the pouting Ryo.
“Ok,” Ryo says without sounding placated at all. “Jin used a pickup line on one of the American girls that we thought was worthy of TOKIO, so we had Okamoto Keito translate it into Japanese and forwarded it to them. On a personal, note, I’d like to try this one out on Leah myself: ‘You know... your dancing... really makes my software turn into hardware.’”
Ryo’s giggles are cut off by Tsuyoshi’s admonitions. “No! You can hump anything but my rod. I’m serious, Leah. Do not hump my fishing pole.”
“But I thought Yoko, Ryo-chan, and Ohkura would like it,” Leah argues in a cute, pouty voice.
“She called me ‘Ryo-chan!’” Ryo squeals, nearly falling out of his chair. “Wait, how does she know-” Just then Tsuyoshi disconnects, and Team Ahoyanen collectively makes angry noises.
“And I don’t think you have the best angle, looking at me from over there,” Leah adds, smirking.
“Fuck discreteness,” Tsuyoshi mutters, walking closer to Leah. “Have a banana.” She grins and accepts.
Meanwhile, Skinny-dipping
Tsuyoshi yawns and tells Koichi that he is still fishing out in the middle of nowhere with Leah Dizon. He also informs his partner that he has had the time of his life laughing at Koichi’s escapades of the past week. Koichi is shocked but then suddenly hears Tsuyoshi’s indignant shriek.
“Leah! I told you you can't go swimming naked at night. And you know, you shouldn't bend over like, uh, that either...” A scandalized and furious Koichi misses the rest of that conversation when Tsuyoshi discards the phone.
“Why not, Tsu-chan?”
“Because unfortunately the camera in my glasses doesn’t have night vision,” Tsuyoshi replies dismally.
“Can I bend over naked if we go inside?”
Meanwhile, When Germany Equals Kinki
“Team Ahoyanen to Mayonaka Shadow Boy,” comes Yoko’s robotic voice through the line, “looks like Koichi’s on board for this. He’s the one who suggested moving on to News.”
“What was Tackey’s response?” Tsuyoshi questions.
“He said he’s in except for Yamapi,” Yoko answers, “then took a bite of one of Koichi’s carrots.”
“No! Not my carrots!” Ryo does his best Koichi impression.
“He really did say that, too,” Yoko notes, “then continued with: ‘Maybe we should get a tough girl for Koyama? Like, a girl who hangs out with a biker gang or wears chains or something?’”
“Wouldn’t just getting Koki be easier?” The ever-practical Ohkura puts in.
“Ewwww!” Tsuyoshi says intelligently.
“WHAT IS WITH KINKI KIDS THAT MAKES YOU GUYS SO HOMOPHOBIC?! YOU’RE WORSE THAN GERMANY! I HATE GERMANY! FUCK KINKI HOMOPHOBIC GERMANY! AND WHY HASN’T LEAH UPDATED HER BLOG? OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE’S ‘FISHING’ WITH A KINKI HOMOPHOBIC GERMAN!”
“You’ll have to excuse Ryo, he has a lot of pent-up sexual frustration,” Ohkura explains.
“Back to the Operation at hand-whatever it was called-” Yoko clears his throat, “what rock have Koichi and Tackey been living under to think Tegoshi was a good candidate for this? He thought they had gone to him for advice, and they probably should have.”
“And how could they have missed all of Shige’s fail?” Ohkura asks. “If anyone in News needs this kind of help, it would be him.”
“Seriously,” Ryo rolls his eyes, “the only thing Shige has going for him is his ass.” Yoko and Ohkura’s jaws drop as they stare in disbelief, and Tsuyoshi’s rod smacks Leah in the ass as he jumps from the shock. “But you didn’t hear that from me,” Ryo quickly adds.
“Anyway, they tried to have the sex talk with Tegoshi,” Yoko explains, “but then the Spice Girls showed up.”
“And you Might Like To Know that one of them had a Hello Kitty bento box and started feeding him,” Ohkura puts in.
“Nobody feeds Tego-nyan but me!” Ryo shrieks.
“Maybe we should just send Maya Miki to him,” Tsuyoshi sighs. “Fukakyon owes me.”
“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just do that to begin with?” Ohkura points out.
“I have my reasons,” Tsuyoshi replies cryptically. “Besides, you guys wanted Leah-footage, right?” Yoko dives to cover Ryo’s mouth as Ohkura tries to pin his arms down.
Meanwhile, Returning From A Fishing Trip
As the wind whips through his hair, Tsuyoshi’s knuckles turn white from tightly gripping the steering wheel. “Did you know about the camera from the start?”
“Yeah,” Leah admits.
Tsuyoshi lets out his breath and relaxes a little. “If you knew, why were you being such a slut this entire time?”
“I have a bet with Akanishi,” she says, twirling her hair around her finger, “and I hate to lose.”
“A bet about wh-” Tsuyoshi is cut off by Leah’s mail ringtone.
“Oh, it’s Yoko,” she says.
“What? How do you-”
“I set Kanfu Fighting as his ringtone,” she explains. “He says that Koichi went home with Maya Miki and that she has a nice genkan, since that’s all he can see from where Koichi left the glitter-soled boots. You will be happy to know, however, that the microphone is still picking up the sounds from the bedroom.”
“It’s about time. Now I don’t have to babysit him anymore.”
Suddenly, TORN starts emanating from the general vicinity of Leah’s crotch. “Ohkura this time,” she says, picking up her phone from said vicinity. “He apologizes for making some-but not very much-of the reports up. He also says that he is willing to trade any footage from this fishing trip that he was entitled to in exchange for turning off Ryo’s horny switch.”
“If only that were possible,” Tsuyoshi laughs, then raises his eyebrows when Leah’s phone goes off yet again. “Ai Nante?”
“Ryo,” Leah says, flipping her phone open and giggling when she reads the message. “‘Are you going to kiss me tonight or do I have to lie to my diary?’”
“Oh my god!” Tsuyoshi almost veers off the road. “You actually like like him!”
Leah giggles and kisses her phone’s screen. “Please don’t tell him until after I win the bet with Akanishi. Ok?”
“Fine, but for the sake of mankind, please win it quickly.”
“Will do,” Leah assures, giving her phone the finger as it starts blaring Lovejuice.
“Ahhhh, fishing is the best!”
Title: The Matchmakers (Meanwhile, On A Fishing Trip Remix)
Pairing: Tsuyoshi, Yoko, Ryo, and Ohkura perv on Leah Dizon while conversing about other Johnnys and Maya Miki
Rating: R for language and pervasive crudeness
Summary: In The Matchmakers, Koichi, pining for Maya Miki and meeting with mishaps thanks to his glitter-bottomed boots, teamed up with Tackey in an attempt to bring several Johnnys the women of their dreams. Meanwhile, Tsuyoshi had planned a fishing trip with Leah Dizon and made a deal with Yoko, Ryo, and Ohkura, because they ~love~ Leah.
A/N: Although this can be understood apart from the original story, blame win03die for the insanity. Thank you for writing me White Day fic! As in the original, AU to the extent that everyone is single unless stated otherwise. Italics not for emphasis indicate language lifted from the original.
Meanwhile, On A Fishing Trip
As the wind whips through his hair, Domoto Tsuyoshi pushes his thick-rimmed glasses a little higher up his nose and tries not to be too obvious in his attempt to get a good view down Leah Dizon’s cleavage. As the Ponyo Song starts blaring from his phone, he quickly tells Leah to take the next left before answering.
“Do we have movement?”
“No,” Ryo groans from the other end of the line.
“Then why the hell are you calling me? I’m not letting you talk to Leah.”
“We’re calling precisely because there is no movement,” Yoko explains. “You’re on speakerphone by the way.”
“The deal was for you to call me when something happens,” Tsuyoshi growls.
“Your partner has been re-watching the same forty-eight second clip of Shibatora for the last seven hours, thirteen minutes, and seventy-six seconds,” Yoko says firmly. “We thought you ought to know.”
“Alright. I’ll take care of it,” Tsuyoshi rolls his eyes, “but you guys better hold up your end of the deal, and no making shit up either.”
“Of course we’ll keep you informed of everything important that we see or hear,” Ohkura says in a smooth voice, “and I highly doubt we’ll have to make anything up.”
“Seventy-six seconds?” Tsuyoshi asks.
“Yoko’s just stupid like that,” Ryo responds, “and you’d better give us the agreed upon amount of Leah-footage when you get back. The Mirotic PV just isn’t doing it for me anymore.”
“As soon as I’ve made a copy for myself,” Tsuyoshi confirms. “This is Mayonaka Shadow Boy-over and out.”
Tsuyoshi immediately calls Koichi, who is in the middle of assuring Tsuyoshi that he had been splendid until Tsuyoshi disturbed his-“No, no, no! Leah! No! What are you doing? You should’ve taken the left there.” Tsuyoshi ends the call as quickly as possible to assess the safety of his fishing equipment after Leah had jumped on the break and crashed as a result of his outburst.
“I’m sorry,” Leah looks at Tsuyoshi with big eyes and pouty lips.
“It’s ok,” Tsuyoshi replies pointedly to her chest, “since you didn’t break any of my lures. However, I think it would be best for them if you refrained from trying to give me road head while you’re driving from now on.”
“Ok,” Leah’s smile returns. “Do you want to drive for a while?”
Tsuyoshi gulps. “As soon as I mail Koichi and tell him to stop watching Shibatora.” That is all he can manage to do for his partner at this point in time. He is gone fishing with a gravure idol after all.
Meanwhile, On A Couch
Tsuyoshi activates the hands-free device of his phone and turns the reel a few times. “Mayonaka Shadow Boy. What have you got?”
“It seems those boots of Koichi’s don’t do well on slippery surfaces,” Yoko reports. “He wiped out when he went to see Tackey, and we were almost exposed when he started looking at the glittered soles.”
“Well, thank goodness we’re safe for now,” Tsuyoshi replies. “Wait, Tackey? Koichi has the hots for Maya Miki. She’s more in the milf department than the pedo department. Shouldn’t he have gone to KimuTaku or something?”
“At least he isn’t jacking off to Shibatora while Koike Teppei is on the screen anymore,” Ryo offers.
“Maybe that’s where he got confused,” Yoko adds.
“Getting down to business,” Ohkura clears his throat, “how is your end of this deal going?”
“I’m getting some excellent footage as we speak,” Tsuyoshi grins, looking at Leah where he had buried everything except her head and chest under a pile of sand.
“Other than the visit to Tackey, nothing substantive to report here,” Yoko says, “but there are some things you might like to know about Tackey. Tacchon, the Might Like To Know info please.”
“Sure thing. Tackey’s house is full of stuffed animals and also features a number of framed photo’s of Chibi!Yamapi. He likes to lounge around in underwear that he had custom-made with Tsubasa’s face on them. Also, Koichi knocked the couch over from merely jumping when startled, and Tackey made him pick it back up-or rather, attempt to-himself. Finally, I caution everyone: do not let Tackey get you drunk, and do not attempt to have sex on his couch. This is Team Ahoyanen-over and out.”
Before Tsuyoshi can deactivate his hands-free, Leah screams, disrupts her sand pile, and rushes towards him. “Crab! Crab! A tiny crab crawled into my bikini. Do something, Tsu-chan!”
“Just take it off and it will fall out,” Tsuyoshi replies.
“But then I might accidentally touch it!”
“Then let me take it off,” Tsuyoshi focuses his eyes very intently on the task while still managing to tug on his rod a little and hears groaning in his earpiece.
Meanwhile, The Operation Gets A Name
“You called it, Mayonaka Shadow Boy,” Yoko informs. “The first thing Tackey did was take Koichi to KimuTaku for advice. It was kind of shocking, actually, because you don’t expect him to open the door wearing loose jeans, a green apron with daisy patterns-”
“Especially when the apron is on backwards and the jeans are tied around his neck,” Ryo cuts in with a snicker.
“Also in the category of Might Like To Know information,” Ohkura adds, “is that he uses Kose Happy Bath Day Precious Rose lotion.”
“So what did we find out from KimuTaku?” Tsuyoshi questions.
“Only that ‘he doesn't have any specific tactics and that women just come to him with him just standing there,’” Yoko says dejectedly.
“Can’t really blame them if all he has on is a backwards apron and jeans tied around his neck,” Ryo snorts.
“Tackey also took Koichi to see Nakai and Goro,” Yoko continues, “but all we learned from that was that the latter is apparently a true womanizer.
Tsuyoshi trips on his fishing line. “What about Tsuyoshi and Shingo?”
“They must be gay,” Ryo surmises.
“Gay?” Tsuyoshi squawks, tripping over Leah’s fishing line this time. “Impossible. They’re Johnnys. Oh, hold on a second Team Ahoyanen. Leah dear, when you cast your line you have to fling your arm out with as much energy as possible.”
“But I’m kind of tired after last night.”
“Just try it. You’ll know you have it right when your, um, whole body bounces up and down. Sorry for the interruption, guys.”
“Last night?!” Team Ahoyanen screeches in unison.
“Don’t worry; I fish with my glasses on. Anything else on Operation Hook Koichi Up With Maya Miki So The Cameras I Hid In His Apartment Will Finally Be Worth It?”
“We found out Tackey’s strategy,” Yoko replies. “Basically, he’s having Koichi gather seduction advice from his sempais then having him apply what he’s learned to setting up his kouhais in order to develop experience that will eventually result in hooking up with Maya Miki.”
Meanwhile, In A Village
“Next time you order glittery shoes with a hidden camera and microphone,” Yoko says while reviewing footage of Koichi slipping yet again in the rain while Tackey wielded a golden handbag, “make sure your beloved partner can walk in them.”
“Huh,” Tsuyoshi says from the other end of the line, holding his glasses at arms length to get a good shot of Leah’s ass on pretense of looking for spots to clean off of them, “my special order camera glasses seem to be working just fine.”
“Then why haven’t we seen their work-product?” Ryo growls. “Leah’s website doesn’t put up new pictures very often.”
“Um, this is a little off topic,” Ohkura starts, “but looking at this footage I’m wondering whether Tackey’s obsession with that golden handbag is why Tsubasa has been refusing to work with him lately.”
“I thought Tackey was the one refusing on the grounds that Tsubasa’s hideous hair is illegal in forty-two prefectures,” Yoko says, “but getting back to business, today we found out that TOKIO has a village.”
“With a distinct lack of females,” Ohkura adds.
“Except for the sheep,” Ryo puts in.
“Do not even go there,” Ohkura threatens.
“He just meant that women wouldn’t want to go to TOKIO’s village because there are so many sheep there,” Yoko says in an attempt to diffuse the situation.
“That is NOT what I meant!” Ryo screams.
“Sorry,” Yoko apologizes to Tsuyoshi, “he’s just on edge from going through Leah withdrawal.”
“Hey Leah,” Team Ahoyanen hears Tsuyoshi say through their speaker phone, “say something sexy to the camera.”
“What camera?”
“Uh, just pretend I’m the camera,” Tsuyoshi covers.
“Ok,” Leah responds, crawling across the sand to where Tsuyoshi is sitting, “I’m wet, and you’re leaking, so maybe we should pool assets.”
Yoko chokes on his beer, Ohkura chokes on nothing, and Ryo excuses himself to the restroom.
“She learned that from Morimoto Shintaro,” Tsuyoshi explains. “She has no idea what it means. I really hope he doesn’t either. Getting back to TOKIO.”
“Right,” Yoko says, barely regaining his composure, “Koichi and Tackey are now in possession of invites to members-only strip clubs, ‘advice on how to get yourself and the woman naked in a blink of an eye,’ TOKIO’s fifty best classic pickup lines-”
“The top five of which,” Ohkura supplies, “are supposedly: Number Five-‘ Will you be the Badass Uke to my Don’t Fuck With Me Seme?’ Number Four-‘Did you fart? Because you just blew me away!’ Number Three-‘Do you have a brother?’ Number Two-‘How about some Mabodofu?’ And Number One-‘Sumimase~n, NAMPA desu!’”
“TOKIO also gave them their favorite recipes,” Yoko adds.
“Including recipes for,” Ohkura notes, “a Blow Job Shooter, Southern Bondage, Ultimate Bloody Mary Rimming Salt, an Acidic Mindfuck, Bukkake Udon, a MILF Cocktail, Johnny’s Love Juice, a Screaming Orgasm Shooter-”
“I get it,” Tsuyoshi cuts in, “TOKIO are sex-crazed alcoholics. Now if you will excuse me, Leah wants to practice her Japanese some more.”
Meanwhile, Carrots Make Their First Appearance
“V6 is rather boring,” Yoko concludes, “but they might have actually been helpful if Koichi hadn’t been so disillusioned by all his prior adventures with Tackey.”
“If Koichi is in the habit of-as this instance seems to indicate-opening his door clad only in a satin sheet, maybe we should just send Maya Miki over there telling her it’s Fukada Kyoko’s new place,” Ryo suggests. “Speaking of scantily clad people-”
“I’m on it,” Tsuyoshi laughs. “You’re going to take a shower Leah? Try wearing my glasses while you’re in there. It’s pretty awesome the way the water droplets run down them.”
“Do you really think Leah is that stupid?” Ohkura questions.
“If she’s got something up her sleeve that results in me having no footage in the end, you guys are the ones that will be at a loss,” Tsuyoshi replies. “What were V6’s suggestions?”
“Well, Inohara just rambled,” Yoko answers, “but Kamisen’s elements of ‘the guy who gets the girl’ can be condensed into the following five: sexiness, cuteness, the bad boy image, mysteriousness, and a soft side.”
“Hey, if you add ‘asshole’ to those five you’ve got Kame, and together they make Kat-Tun!” Ryo contributes.
“As for Might Like To Know information,” Ohkura chimes in, “apparently, Koichi was clueless that his crush is common knowledge, and he keeps at least ten carrots in his refrigerator.”
“God, I thought only Koyama had that kink,” Ryo groans.
“Okada has girl-part anxiety,” Ohkura continues over Ryo’s noises, “gets turned on by wooden wardrobes, and wants your partner to tell you hello if and when you get back from quote ‘uh, socializing with miss Dizon’ unquote.”
“And now it’s on to the kouhais I guess. You’ll have to keep me updated. Mayonaka Shadow Boy-over and out.” Tsuyoshi flips his phone shut and looks up to see Leah walking out of the bathroom, wearing a robe and twirling the glasses around her finger. “But Koichi doesn’t even eat carrots,” he mumbles to himself, “so what’s this about him and Koyama and some kink?”
“You know,” Leah says, sitting on the bed and hooking the glasses over the V-part of the collar of her robe (with the camera facing inside! Tsuyoshi notes), “compared to most American carrots, Japanese carrots tend to be a little shorter and a lot thicker [ed: true fact!], so they can be used for, uh, things.” Tsuyoshi blanches.
Meanwhile, At The Tokyo Hair Expo
“This is Team Ahoyanen bringing you the Tackey pedo report,” Yoko announces, and Tsuyoshi rolls his eyes and casts another line. “He was sighted with Miyata and Tamamori today during his and Koichi’s attempt at setting up MatsuJun, and rumor has it that he has started liking them a little older nowadays.”
“Others speculate that he just thinks Tamamiya is freaking hot shit together, despite however much Tamamori likes to deny it,” Ohkura adds.
“How did they sneak into Johnnys if they’re gay? Don’t they know that they’ll stand out being so different in an agency like this? LEAH! You’re still not casting right. Let me help; I’ll just stand behind you like this, wrap my arms around you, and-”
“I’m already horny, damn it!” Ryo screams. “Practically having phone sex with Leah Dizon vicariously through Tsuyoshi is doing nothing for my composure.”
“Shut up Nishikido, I’ve got a good angle right now,” Tsuyoshi growls. “So what is this about MatsuJun?”
“It’s no wonder Koichi is destined for misfortune in love matters,” Yoko chuckles, “when his idea of the perfect MatsuJun/Inoue Mao date is the Tokyo Hair Expo followed by a pro wrestling match.”
“That or because his ringtone is Oshiri Kajiri Mushi,” Ohkura adds dryly. “Also, you Might Like To Know that Tackey thinks that quote ‘Jun is a very metrosexual man’ unquote and that Koichi and Tackey’s idea of incognito is long leather coats and oldstyle cowboy hats with colored sunglasses. At the Tokyo Hair Expo. To make matters worse, while in that getup Koichi pointed at Sato Takeru and Miura Haruma and shrieked ‘That is SO gay!’”
“Then the four of them got into a monstrous fistfight,” Yoko continues, “culminating in Koichi agreeing to take back the remark in exchange for a years’ supply of carrots.”
“Yum~,” Ryo says in a deep voice, and Tsuyoshi can hear Ohkura trying to muffle his giggles.
Meanwhile, In Drag
“So today’s conclusion is simple,” Yoko reports. “Jin can pick up blonde Americans just fine without any princely intervention.”
“Also, you Might Like To Know that Koichi thinks your fishing buddy Ohno is the kouhai that needs the most help in getting a girlfriend,” Ohkura says.
“Apparently he’s forgetting about that threesome scandal from a while back,” Yoko comments.
“And Nino,” Ryo adds.
“Yuck,” Tsuyoshi grunts.
“Continuing on,” Ohkura laughs, “Tackey dressed Koichi up as a girl for a disguise and took him clubbing. Jin apparently approved of Tackey’s ‘girl,’ and some guy groped Koichi’s ass.”
“By the way, why do you guys get to do all the reporting?” Ryo whines. “Yoko gives the news, and Tacchon’s in charge of the Might Like To Know segment. Why don’t I have any special jobs?”
Yoko and Ohkura look at each other. “Because you’re too busy perving on Leah,” they say in unison.
“You can report the last item in my section,” Ohkura attempts to pacify the pouting Ryo.
“Ok,” Ryo says without sounding placated at all. “Jin used a pickup line on one of the American girls that we thought was worthy of TOKIO, so we had Okamoto Keito translate it into Japanese and forwarded it to them. On a personal, note, I’d like to try this one out on Leah myself: ‘You know... your dancing... really makes my software turn into hardware.’”
Ryo’s giggles are cut off by Tsuyoshi’s admonitions. “No! You can hump anything but my rod. I’m serious, Leah. Do not hump my fishing pole.”
“But I thought Yoko, Ryo-chan, and Ohkura would like it,” Leah argues in a cute, pouty voice.
“She called me ‘Ryo-chan!’” Ryo squeals, nearly falling out of his chair. “Wait, how does she know-” Just then Tsuyoshi disconnects, and Team Ahoyanen collectively makes angry noises.
“And I don’t think you have the best angle, looking at me from over there,” Leah adds, smirking.
“Fuck discreteness,” Tsuyoshi mutters, walking closer to Leah. “Have a banana.” She grins and accepts.
Meanwhile, Skinny-dipping
Tsuyoshi yawns and tells Koichi that he is still fishing out in the middle of nowhere with Leah Dizon. He also informs his partner that he has had the time of his life laughing at Koichi’s escapades of the past week. Koichi is shocked but then suddenly hears Tsuyoshi’s indignant shriek.
“Leah! I told you you can't go swimming naked at night. And you know, you shouldn't bend over like, uh, that either...” A scandalized and furious Koichi misses the rest of that conversation when Tsuyoshi discards the phone.
“Why not, Tsu-chan?”
“Because unfortunately the camera in my glasses doesn’t have night vision,” Tsuyoshi replies dismally.
“Can I bend over naked if we go inside?”
Meanwhile, When Germany Equals Kinki
“Team Ahoyanen to Mayonaka Shadow Boy,” comes Yoko’s robotic voice through the line, “looks like Koichi’s on board for this. He’s the one who suggested moving on to News.”
“What was Tackey’s response?” Tsuyoshi questions.
“He said he’s in except for Yamapi,” Yoko answers, “then took a bite of one of Koichi’s carrots.”
“No! Not my carrots!” Ryo does his best Koichi impression.
“He really did say that, too,” Yoko notes, “then continued with: ‘Maybe we should get a tough girl for Koyama? Like, a girl who hangs out with a biker gang or wears chains or something?’”
“Wouldn’t just getting Koki be easier?” The ever-practical Ohkura puts in.
“Ewwww!” Tsuyoshi says intelligently.
“WHAT IS WITH KINKI KIDS THAT MAKES YOU GUYS SO HOMOPHOBIC?! YOU’RE WORSE THAN GERMANY! I HATE GERMANY! FUCK KINKI HOMOPHOBIC GERMANY! AND WHY HASN’T LEAH UPDATED HER BLOG? OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE’S ‘FISHING’ WITH A KINKI HOMOPHOBIC GERMAN!”
“You’ll have to excuse Ryo, he has a lot of pent-up sexual frustration,” Ohkura explains.
“Back to the Operation at hand-whatever it was called-” Yoko clears his throat, “what rock have Koichi and Tackey been living under to think Tegoshi was a good candidate for this? He thought they had gone to him for advice, and they probably should have.”
“And how could they have missed all of Shige’s fail?” Ohkura asks. “If anyone in News needs this kind of help, it would be him.”
“Seriously,” Ryo rolls his eyes, “the only thing Shige has going for him is his ass.” Yoko and Ohkura’s jaws drop as they stare in disbelief, and Tsuyoshi’s rod smacks Leah in the ass as he jumps from the shock. “But you didn’t hear that from me,” Ryo quickly adds.
“Anyway, they tried to have the sex talk with Tegoshi,” Yoko explains, “but then the Spice Girls showed up.”
“And you Might Like To Know that one of them had a Hello Kitty bento box and started feeding him,” Ohkura puts in.
“Nobody feeds Tego-nyan but me!” Ryo shrieks.
“Maybe we should just send Maya Miki to him,” Tsuyoshi sighs. “Fukakyon owes me.”
“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just do that to begin with?” Ohkura points out.
“I have my reasons,” Tsuyoshi replies cryptically. “Besides, you guys wanted Leah-footage, right?” Yoko dives to cover Ryo’s mouth as Ohkura tries to pin his arms down.
Meanwhile, Returning From A Fishing Trip
As the wind whips through his hair, Tsuyoshi’s knuckles turn white from tightly gripping the steering wheel. “Did you know about the camera from the start?”
“Yeah,” Leah admits.
Tsuyoshi lets out his breath and relaxes a little. “If you knew, why were you being such a slut this entire time?”
“I have a bet with Akanishi,” she says, twirling her hair around her finger, “and I hate to lose.”
“A bet about wh-” Tsuyoshi is cut off by Leah’s mail ringtone.
“Oh, it’s Yoko,” she says.
“What? How do you-”
“I set Kanfu Fighting as his ringtone,” she explains. “He says that Koichi went home with Maya Miki and that she has a nice genkan, since that’s all he can see from where Koichi left the glitter-soled boots. You will be happy to know, however, that the microphone is still picking up the sounds from the bedroom.”
“It’s about time. Now I don’t have to babysit him anymore.”
Suddenly, TORN starts emanating from the general vicinity of Leah’s crotch. “Ohkura this time,” she says, picking up her phone from said vicinity. “He apologizes for making some-but not very much-of the reports up. He also says that he is willing to trade any footage from this fishing trip that he was entitled to in exchange for turning off Ryo’s horny switch.”
“If only that were possible,” Tsuyoshi laughs, then raises his eyebrows when Leah’s phone goes off yet again. “Ai Nante?”
“Ryo,” Leah says, flipping her phone open and giggling when she reads the message. “‘Are you going to kiss me tonight or do I have to lie to my diary?’”
“Oh my god!” Tsuyoshi almost veers off the road. “You actually like like him!”
Leah giggles and kisses her phone’s screen. “Please don’t tell him until after I win the bet with Akanishi. Ok?”
“Fine, but for the sake of mankind, please win it quickly.”
“Will do,” Leah assures, giving her phone the finger as it starts blaring Lovejuice.
“Ahhhh, fishing is the best!”