je_united 2019 - Gift fic for meikyuu_makeyou
Je_united gift fic for meikyuu_makeyou
Title: More than just meeting your eyes
Pairing: Shibutani Subaru/Yasuda Shota with side pairings: Murakami Shingo/Yokoyama Yuu, Nishikido Ryo/Maruyama Ryuhei, Ohkura Tadayoshi/Kitayama Hiromitsu
Rating: NC17 just to be safe, or R+
Warnings: Written in 1st person from Yasu’s point of view. AU partially angsty universe.
Also beware before reading, if you’re not comfortable to read a Yasuba story after Subaru’s departure from Kanjani8, I can understand it quite well.
I tried to respect the recipient’s wish as much as I could, so I took up the challenge.
At the same time, I will not deny the story might be biased because of my own -still very conflicted- feelings about Subaru, so please take also that into account if reading.
Summary: Shota’s life is quite busy between lessons at University, his part-time job at a café where he’s supposed to be also wearing female clothes, and the boyfriend he’s utterly in love with. While love and life relationships at the café go on, and his relationship with Subaru also deepens, things get suddenly twisted.
Notes: I had never fully written a story with Yasuba as main pairing before, so I hope it won’t sound too much OOC (and if so, I do apologize).
To my recipient: it's probably the most complicated story I have written so far, and I'm sorry if maybe it cannot meet all (or even half of?) the expectations you had for it. However always fascinated by his personality, it was honestly hard for me to write about Subaru, especially in this very peculiar moment, as I mentioned above.
I'm also sorry if this can be probably perceived throughout the whole story. But at the same time accepting this exchange was really challenging for me, so I’d love to thank you for that! A huge thanks to my beta-reader for the precious help!
My life isn't boring at all, you know.
When I don't attend fashion design lessons at university, I work at my part time job, which I came to like quite deeply.
The Infinity café is a lovely place where I enjoy my days with my co-workers. I cross-dress as a cute maid one day, a butler the following, and so does my best friend Ohkura Tadayoshi.
I have to admit he's pretty and definitely sexier than me when he's portraying Kurako. But that honestly cannot be helped. He's gorgeous. And me, as Yasuko, I'm cute enough.
We're being called the Candy My Love girls.
On the other hand, Maruchan and Ryochan do always stick to their male outfits even when Tadayoshi and me have our "girl days," and that's for the best. I care for them deeply, but they do honestly suck in female clothes. I'm happy that our boss, Murakami-san, agreed in suggesting they'd better not wear skirts anymore, especially when in front of him.
It was funny that day, after the closing time at the café.
Murakami-san hates letting things go wasted, and that's why he arrived at the café bringing some brand new maid outfits he was given for free after an idol event at Odaiba Bay.
The texture of the clothes was unbelievably shimmering. It captured my attention immediately.
I couldn't resist trying it on, and Yokoyama-san whistled openly at me, saying that with a wig and some fake boobs I could seriously pass for a nice girl.
Oh well. Yokoyama-san is Murakami-san's partner, both in life and business. I guess that's why he received a very nasty cold look from our boss, who insisted for him to try on the maid outfit as well as a punishment for what he said.
Yokoyama-san looked very sexy and very provoking with those long eyelashes of his, the fine features of his face and the white porcelain skin.
The moment Murakami-san started blushing openly, Yokoyama-san caught him by his nape and kissed him passionately on the mouth, oblivious of the four of us staring.
They started making out, and that was when we decided we'd better leave them some privacy and go back to cleaning up the café.
But, you know, business wasn't going very well at that time. Our customers were mostly broke students or grannies who didn't always appreciate the efforts that Murakami-san and Tadayoshi put in the elaborate food and pastries they prepared on a daily basis, besides the hot drinks. And there were probably plenty of other ordinary cafés just around the corner of Tokyo Fuji University on the Kanda river, where Infinity is located.
Luckily, after a night of wild sex -or so we were told, and I have no reasons to doubt Yokoyama-san's words-, both Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san said they could have a glimpse of the opportunity.
I was sent to the nearby Takadanobaba Station wearing the cute maid outfit to distribute as much leaflets as I could about the Infinity Café now becoming a cross-play café on alternate days.
Tadayoshi reached me later on that day, huffing about the pain of wearing the high-heeled shoes that Ryo had lent him after borrowing them from his sister.
The leaflets were gone by the end of the day, and so were the high spirits of my best friend, Tacchon.
"I'll resign starting tomorrow, I swear," he whined loudly while we came back to the café.
He's the one enjoying it the most now. In female clothes, I mean. It looks like a very smutty girl re-incarnated in my best friend, and I cannot honestly help but grin sheepishly every time I see him shaking his hips while serving the customers.
Ever since that day, we saw the customers grow steadily. Especially flocks of students coming to see me and Tacchon in female clothes, and lots of girls squealing at us -well, at Ryo and our boss especially- when it's butler time.
Sometimes even Yokoyama-san joins us, but, for the sake of his love relationship with the boss, he's been forbidden to act lavishly with any of the customers.
Yokoyama-san keeps winking at him every time he manages, though, and I grin like an idiot. I like them. And I like my life here.
When I'm not at university or at the café, I'm spending my nights at my boyfriend's place. Blindfolded.
That's how Shibuyan wants me. That's how I like it, too.
That's what we agreed on when we decided to meet each other for real, after getting to know one another in an online chat for art nerds.
He gave me his address and asked me to close my eyes when I stepped before the threshold of his apartment.
I rang the bell, and I obeyed.
The door opened, and I could hear some footsteps, and then I felt a band covering my eyes, and his fingers on the small of my back, guiding me inside.
He stripped me of my clothes, he whispered dirty words to my ear with a crystal clear voice, my fingertips learned the shape of his body and we made love for the first time together, after so many months spent with Skype sex. It was magical, and special, and I am so much in love with him, even if we're no ordinary couple at all.
Tacchon says I'm crazy, having blindfolded sex with a guy I don't even know the appearance.
I usually playfully tell him to mind his own business, since he hasn't had yet the guts to confess to his current boyfriend, Kitayama-kun, that he's working in female clothes half of the time. He blushes and shuts up, most of the time, and I grin.
Oh, well, that's how it works between me and Tacchon. We've known each other for twenty years already, he's a little brother to me, even though he's a lot taller despite being a year younger than me. Ever since we both started working at Infinity, I predicted that he would end up in bed with Maru or Ryo or both sooner or later, judging by the flirty looks they share every now and then, but no. He keeps falling for one wrong guy after another, and he keeps coming to weep to me whenever he's being inexorably dumped.
This Kitayama guy has been hanging around him for a while already, and Tacchon looks a lot more relaxed now. I hope he's a good one. I'm not forgiving with people who mess up by best friends, I swear.
Anyway.
I've just had my hair cut today. I like changing it frequently, and that's something I have in common with Tacchon, and probably also the real reason why we cannot stay far away from each other for long. After I dyed my hair blue, he went for a green dye. Murakami-san yelled at us that we're a bunch of idiots, but he looked way happier when he noticed that girls squealed even more at us and besides, the hair color under our curly female wigs didn't matter a damn thing.
I went for a mohawk with shaved scalp this time, and I cannot wait for Subaru to thread his fingers beneath it. I put on a pair of glasses and then I sent Tacchon my selfie, and he replied with a shocked emoji. I laugh.
I see myself as a canvas, and I wanna try out as many things as I can.
I'm already wearing my band on my eyes when I hear Shibuyan open the door, and his surprised hiccup after seeing me.
I cannot help but crack a smile.
"You're amazing," his awesome voice says, while his hand cups my cheek. He pulls me into a kiss, and we're making out in the corridor of the apartment complex he lives in even before realizing we definitely shouldn't. Because his other hand is clutching at my crotch over the baggy pants and I moan aloud, shamelessly, when we pull back from our kisses.
Because my fingers find the hem of his jeans and I grope his tiny ass right here, right now, and he growls from pleasure.
Because I need him. Because he wants me.
Why doesn't he want me to see him for real though, I don't know.
Not that I care that much.
If he thinks of himself as ugly, he should have realized by now that I wouldn't care less. I like him. I like the way we feel when we talk about art and music for hours, I like his teeth nipping at my naked skin and I like spending the whole weekend in bed with him. Blindfolded. He shoves pieces of food in my mouth, and I love the sound of his laughter whenever he realizes that I'm definitely not picky at all about food. I couldn't, after tasting all the recipes that Tacchon has made me try out over the years.
Subaru leaves the apartment for a couple hours sometimes, after suggesting to me I can freely take a bath if I wish. I remove the blindfold when he's gone and I curiously look around, noticing the small details of the few pristine square meters he lives in. Some very nice guitars, many vinyl records, scribbled notes on a small table, a lot of packs of cigarettes but no photographs at all. Nothing hanging on these walls. No other signs of his identity, of his past, of his dreams and hopes.
I have to admit it, and Tacchon would probably gloat here: Shibutani Subaru can be a mystery indeed.
**
Hello, it's Yasuko!
I'm particularly proud of the way I arranged my tiny fake boobs under my maid outfit today. It makes me look even prettier.
Murakami-san asked me whether I could help temporarily out with some more shifts during the week-end, since there are loads of people filling the café these days. I told him I'm very happy we're so busy lately, and he grinned at me.
I stroll out of the office and I join Maru and Ryo serving our customers. A few girls squeal when they notice me, but since Tacchon is not here today, I feel like being a little diva like him, and I offer them a few flying kisses. They meow and squeal even louder, and judging from his glare, I guess Ryo is not happy having his eardrum pierced by their shrieks, but heck.
He's acting a bit weird lately, actually. He looks as cool as usual from outside, but if you were to ask me, I'd say he looks like he's having some inner debate with himself instead.
I wonder whether I could be of help, but he's not one to talk about his own issues a lot.
Well anyway, he hasn't had the time yet to serve a guy who is sitting lonely in a corner, wearing a red hoodie over a curtain of straight black bangs over his eyes.
When I approach him and I cutely ask him about his order he looks up, apparently disoriented. I have to say I have never seen eyes like his own ones, deep and black like a stormy ocean on some obscure night. They pierce straight into me, and for a moment I just stare at him, saying nothing, and he stares back, undecipherable. Then I ask him again, but he doesn't reply.
I'm about to frown at him -maybe he just needs to chill down a bit, who knows- when he suddenly makes a gesture with his hands, and I recognize it immediately for what it is; he's apologizing through sign language. Yeah! And he doesn’t know it yet, but I’m his guy!
I offer him a huge smile in reply, and then I gesture back.
I learned it when I was at junior high, and practiced ever since because, should I ever happen to meet someone who doesn't talk my language, or carries some physical problems, I'd love to be able to communicate anyway.
I love communicating.
That's just how I am.
Also, being unable to use my sight whenever I'm with Shibuyan made me more aware of myself and my own surroundings, and I am even more sensitive to other people, somehow.
The guy looks even more disoriented at first, probably not expecting that from me, but then he grins sheepishly and replies.
I bring him a black coffee, and the memory of such a curious meeting fills my brain even later on when I should be supposed to be listening to our teacher at university.
The following day I reach the Infinity Café some fifteen minutes earlier than due, finding Ryo and Tacchon in a furious argument. I'm so taken back at the scene it takes me a whole minute to realize I need to rush and separate the two of them, but Tacchon pushes me hastily away.
"Don't you even try to defend him, Shochan!", Tadayoshi barks at me as soon as I try to ask them both to calm down. "This shit has made Maru cry!"
"I haven't asked him to!" Ryo retorts back.
"Asked him what?" I venture asking, but Ryo simply scowls both at me and at my friend, and then he takes off his butler waistcoat, slams the locker close and storms off, disappearing without another word.
I blink several times.
"May I ask again what the hell has happened between the two of you, right now?" I ask, not without a bewildered face.
Tacchon and Ryo aren't exactly best friends, but there's always been this kind of particular vibe between them, ever since they met at Infinity, and despite witnessing the regular witty banters they share, this outburst was honestly the last thing I'd ever expected from them.
Tacchon rolls his eyes and spills the bean.
"Maru told me he gathered the guts to confess to Ryo finally," he says, still visibly annoyed. "But Ryo turned him down because he's a GUY," he stresses out coldly. "Can't you see the shitty irony, Shochan?! We all know Ryochan is bisexual thanks to the fact he's always bragged about having so many 'particular affairs' so far, yet he cannot date Maru because he's a guy. Maru is the best guy in the world, but Ryo does not want him! He must be seriously nuts. Nuts! The biggest idiot on Earth! I cannot stand someone making Maru suffer. I cannot. Shit, I'm so damn angry with him, I would have punched him straight in that damn face if you were not to pop up, Shochan. I swear!"
"There must be a reason. Ryochan is a good guy," I try to persuade him, and myself at the same time, but Tacchon's eyes throw daggers at me.
"I told you not to even try to defend him, Shochan! This is inexcusable! It is!"
He hastily puts his female wig on, and I cannot help but hide a smile. An angry diva we have right now.
"Since Maru has always had a soft spot for Ryochan, and Ryochan has never denied flirting cutely with him, I thought... I thought they could be okay," he softly confesses to me then, in a definitely different tone, looking thoughtful. "But when I confronted Ryochan about that, he told me it was none of my business."
"He's not that wrong indeed," I sweetly confirm him, patting him on the back.
"I do usually do nothing but mind my own business, actually," he growls, "unless people throw shit to my friends' feeling. I cannot stand that," he concludes, leaving me to be ready for the opening hours of the café.
That very evening, I talk about it with Shibuyan, once we're done with the sex and I'm caressing his thigh, while he's tenderly biting the flesh of my arm.
"How is this even happening, I wonder..." I ask him. "I've known Ryochan for a while already, and I know that despite the cocky attitude he has sometimes, he's a really nice guy. But then... why hurting Maru to that extent? Maru is a softie... It breaks my heart knowing about his own heart bleeding."
"Your friends will be okay," Shibuyan tells me.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because sometimes, when you realize it could be true love knocking at your door, you can get scared and freak out," he warns me.
"Eh?!" I sit up on the bed, and despite my blindfold, I turn towards my lover. "You mean... You mean Ryochan could be..."
"Yeah, he is. Judging by what you told me, he probably is," he replies, catching my arm to pull me to him, and I giggle.
When he starts kissing me again, and his hands playfully pinch my sore ass, I realize I would like to ask him how many times true love knocked at the doors of his life but somehow, I find myself scared to know more.
What if I'm not?
What am I to him, right now?
What will become of me? Of us?
**
The red-hooded guy has become a regular customer here at Infinity.
He sits down and he patiently waits until he knows I'll shake off the loads of other customers. I'll reach him and bring him his usual black coffee. He's a regular even in his tastes. I guess my colleagues could serve him equally good, but somehow they realized I enjoy speaking with him through sign language, and they let me.
We speak very little, to tell the truth. Time does always lack, and this guy who is always wearing red and black clothes isn't the chatty type. He looks pretty interesting to me, though, and I am not the only one who thinks that, despite the shabby clothes, he's sexy.
Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san apparently have had an argument about it; Murakami-san found his lover batting his eyelashes in a rather particular way whenever the red-hooded guy is around at the shop, and he forbade Yokoyama-san from serving him at all, to which the latter howled aloud that he's frankly insane.
I'd say Yokoyama-san was just curiously staring and nothing more, but I won't butt in, in another lover's quarrel for sure.
Red-hooded guy is making trouble. Jeez!
He must be also about Shibuyan's same size, I think.
Oh Gosh, speaking of which, I cannot wait to go at Shibuyan's, tonight.
He asked me whether I'm okay with becoming a canvas for his next piece of art.
I squealed. I didn’t know he also made art, actually. I said yes of course, and then he chuckled, explaining his idea in further details.
Body painting. Why is my boyfriend a pro at basically everything? I'm baffled.
I told him yes, once again, and I'm so excited.
I won't see a thing but I'll feel it straight on my skin. Isn't it the best thing ever?
Once I'm there, he makes me lay down on something that feels like some plastic towel under my palms.
He prepares my body by shaving all the small hair off until it's completely hairless. And then I can hear him dip a paint brush and I next feel the cold colour land on my belly and cross my chest like tongues of frozen flames.
He's painting me, creating me from scratch.
It feels so good, and I start imagining like crazy what kind of pictures Shibuyan wants me to carry upon my own skin.
"Shibuyan... you're making me beautiful, aren't you?"
He chuckles again, and then kisses me on the mouth.
"You're distracting the artist," he teases.
"Sorry. I'm so damn curious..."
"Can't you feel it? The way I feel, Shota..." he asks me then. His paintbrush draws circles around my nipples, and I moan under my breath. It feels so good, it's so beyond sensuality.
His hands caress my thighs before painting it all according to the images floating in his head.
I'm curious, I wanna know. I wanna see his feelings sealed on my body.
When he's done, and the paint has penetrated my flesh, and he's helped me on my feet to wear my clothes once again, he kisses me on the mouth before I leave, and he whispers it on my lips.
"This is the meaning, Shota. I'll be with you always."
I'm before the mirror in my little room, and I'm speechless.
I'm watching the canvas I have become. What's on the naked skin, what he's made of me.
It's an abstract motive resembling marine creatures flying on my chest, of blue oceans and waves falling into the sky, of red roses and thorns, of light and darkness melting into each other on my belly, up until my thighs.
It's so beautiful it makes me cry. And that's how I burst out crying from emotion, that's how I end up falling on my knees, sobbing. But when I try to reach Shibuyan over the phone, he doesn't reply, so I leave a flying kiss to his voicemail. That night my dreams are filled of him, of his voice, of his arms surrounding me like a guardian angel.
The following day, while I'm about to start my shift at work, Shibuyan texts me saying he's got some business to deal with, that he'll be out for a few days and hopes I won't have to start worrying whether he might be unable to reply to messages I might send him in the meantime.
I chuckle.
Two days later I miss him already, to tell the truth, but I do have his soul carved under my maid clothes, and it's so precious I cannot even tell.
I end up blushing when Tacchon asks me why I'm this thoughtful today, with his eyes piercing straight into me as always. For some reason, though, I don't feel like showing him what's underneath me right now.
And then, time passes.
The days become a few weeks, and I haven't heard from Shibuyan. He's apparently not back home yet, and he hasn't written either.
I wonder how he's doing. How busy he must be. With what, I actually have no idea. I realize I do know so little about his work when he knows so much about mine and my interests since I never stop babbling about myself.
I miss you, Shibuyan.
I try not to think about it. I concentrate on my lessons, on the little crowd of people going back and forth at the cafe, making Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san happier and satisfied, though willing to improve the pleasures of the café even more.
Maruchan and Ryochan are supposed to be wearing reindeer felt hats at work starting soon due to Christmas time approaching, while Tacchon and me will have red Santa hats matching our frilly female Christmas outfit.
Well, flashy red suits me very well, I'd say. And this also makes me ironically match red-hooded guy's clothes, right?
That's what I gesture him one day, pouting cutely. He grins.
He's now visiting the café on a daily basis and he still speaks to me only, in his own way of course. Talking to him with sign language somehow makes me miss Shibuyan even more, and the body art he left on me kinda burns sometimes with a sensation I cannot exactly recall.
Shower after shower, its colours are slowly bleeding from me, and yet it aches.
I don't want him to vanish into thin air like this.
I miss him especially after I spotted Maruchan and Ryo snogging passionately in the closet. I was so speechless I might have stared at the two of them for longer than expected, and then I fled from the spot slamming the door. I rushed out of the café and I texted Tacchon immediately only to have him reply that Maruchan had told him the news a couple hours earlier.
>> I'm still waiting for that idiot named Ryochan to say sorry, though << he wrote then.
>> He never will<< I type, suddenly grinning like an idiot. I’m adding some more text, and I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize there's suddenly someone screaming my name, somewhere here in the nearby.
“STAY DOWN, SHOTAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
I would recognize that voice everywhere.
Shibuyan’s.
Where? How come? Why screaming?
When I look up, out of instinct, I only manage to see a man in a red hoodie running with all his might towards me and then literally throwing himself on me. It’s a matter of seconds, I cannot even think straight. We tumble down rolling together on the hard asphalt, and when I relinquish myself from him, panting hard, I recognize the café customer, the red-hooded guy clutching tight at my clothes, but I cannot see Shibuyan anywhere.
This guy is in pain, though. He’s bleeding from his upper arm, grimacing. He’s been shot.
How on Earth?!
“You okay… Shota?” he murmurs, looking worried and sadly at me. “Oh please, please tell me you’re okay…”
My eyes dilate from shock, though nodding quickly with my eyes filled with tears.
He’s speaking. He’s speaking with Shibuyan’s voice. He is…
And I still cannot understand what’s going on here.
I try keeping my composure. My mobile fell down the moment we collided with the floor but, apparently, it’s still working. So I calledTacchon, asking for his help, for Murakami-san’s help, for anyone’s help. The moment I mentioned calling an ambulance, red-hooded guy blocked my arm and whispered a barely audible ‘no’ with his lips.
I looked at him in horror almost. Is he the guy I’m in love with, for real? Are those the lips I kissed?
I feel so deceived. I feel like I’m not getting what’s going on here, and it hurts. It does fucking hurt.
Murakami-san arrived together with Maru and Ryo. They helped me get red-hooded guy on his feet and lean on Maru’s arms until we’re all in the office behind the café and Tacchon joins us, looking insanely worried for me and hugging me tight to him. He starts tending Subaru’s wounds with Murakami-san. They’re the ones who supposedly attended the first-aid compulsory course required by the law.
Murakami-san didn’t even bother asking me what happened. Not that I have the slightest idea about it anyway, but I’m glad. He’s a practical man, and he always knows where his priorities are. I don’t know where mine have gone, though.
I keep staring at this wounded man who keeps saying he’s sorry, that he never wished to make any trouble, that my colleagues need to keep an eye on my safety and a few other things I don’t understand.
I cannot speak. They all think it’s because of the shock of what happened while none of them realize it’s because I’m seeing my boyfriend laying down in front of me, and a bunch of lies bleeding in between us. And I cannot even explain it them.
Murakami-san suggests we’d better let him rest here despite the wound being not as serious as it first seemed. Apparently a bullet brushed his arm but didn’t penetrated it, so it’s basically a scratch. Almost.
I close my eyes. If he were not to drag me down, should I have been the one being shot, and maybe, fatally?
I cannot think straight.
I insist staying with him for the night, and all my colleagues obviously oppose the idea.
“He saved my life. I owe him. Please,” I tell them, and from the way Tacchon’s piercing eyes meet mine, I know he knows I’m keeping something from him also. I beg him with my eyes. I beg him to understand, even though I’m the one being clueless here.
“Well, it’s true that Shochan looks fine now, after all,” Tadayoshi says. “He’s an adult, so I guess we should let him stay as he wishes. I’ll make sure to arrive here very early tomorrow to check on both.”
Another good thing about Tadayoshi is that he’s got this warm velvety voice that has some kind of soothing power on people. And the magic works once again.
I’m alone with red-hooded guy, right now. Or Subaru, that is.
And I finally allow myself to let the pain be visible on my face, even when I still cannot speak. I cannot ask.
“You have all the rights to hate me, Shota,” Subaru starts out, sighing. “But I’d love to explain everything at least. Then you’ll have the right to hate me even more. Deal?”
I do not reply. But I know my silence works as a ‘yes’, so I keep shut and I listen.
“I’m a sniper, to tell you the truth,” he confesses me, while the amazing eyes I thought belonging to red-hooded guy set into me. “I’ve worked as a mercenary ever since I was a very young adolescent. I guess it happened… by chance? I don’t know, actually. I found myself gaining money over terrible wounds asked by people who hired me even before I realized it had become a regular job. I’ve rarely killed, to tell the truth. Most of the time, I guess that fear of death has worked, but I know that counts little, right?
“It’s a despicable job, that left me with tons of amount of spare time at the same time. Tons of time I had to spend with myself. Tons of hours I had no idea how to work out in order... not to think, I guess.
“When I was not out for some job, I dedicated myself to art and music, for I found both terribly soothing to my soul. All by myself, of course. I’ve lived a lonely life so far.
And then I met you online. And, believe it or not, I fell in love with you. For real.”
Subaru pauses, and I shake my head.
Nope, it’s another lie. It has to be.
“I was so hooked to you and all of you seemed so much you looked almost... unreal.
I knew it was wrong of me to keep in touch and even meet you outside that chat, but I couldn’t resist. My real address, my apartment, my full name: I dared to tell you all of those things in exchange for your scent, the sound of your voice, the warmth of your breath, the way you made love to me.
“You are amazing, Shota. The best thing ever appeared in my whole life. The only thing I regret is not about you, but rather having put you in terrible danger, and when I realized this, it was already too late. I should have dumped you. I should have asked you never to come to my place anymore, to stop dating. I should have, for your own sake. But I didn't have the guts to. You were so warm. So real. You seemed to be able to caress my own soul, to unwrap it gently. To tell me that even someone like me was worth it. I was, and I still am, so lost in you.
“One day... I received a new commission: I was asked to kill you. I almost went psycho at the message. I would have never done something like this. I could have never harm you in any way. Ever. But still, I needed time. At first, I thought it was a mistake. I thought you could have maybe witnessed something in your everyday life that you shouldn’t have seen, but even after a lot of investigation, I couldn't lure out a damn thing, a damn reason. There is none. You're a pure soul. The kind of guy who arrives late at his lessons at university because you had to help a deaf granny find the way back to her apartment. I saw it.
“And I finally realized that those who had hired me wanted you dead because you’re my weakness. I sensed they might have been about to assign me a very delicate job -you know, politicians- and wanted to have proof whether I could be as cold as death. I never turned down any request, so far. Never. No one but you. You're the one who made me finally understand what's the meaning of life, what's the purpose of loving someone, of risking life for someone else's, even. How precious life and feelings can be.”
“Between life and death, I chose the first. I chose you, despite you being clueless. At the same time, I knew that my hesitation about 'the job' meant you were more and more in danger with each passing day. If I were not to do the job, someone else would. That was when I realized I had to stop being your boyfriend and become your bodyguard instead. That was when the guy with the red hoodie appeared at the café you work in.”
“I thought that you knew very well my voice, the scent of my skin, my physical frame even, but you had never seen me, and maybe I could make it work. Stay by your side again, watch your back during your shifts and even during your life outside. Man, I was so nervous when I first talked to you with sign language, fearing that you might find out immediately about my disguise, and then... you cutely answered with it. I was so surprised I wanted to laugh out loudly, you don't know how much!”
“To know we were able to communicate even through that... it made my heart ache with pain and feelings at the same time. You had never mentioned knowing that language when you stayed at my apartment, and yet among all of your colleagues, you were once again the only one who naturally reached out for me.”
“I wanted to cry out how I loved you, Shota. I wanted to disappear and let you live a peaceful life, but I had already ruined everything. I couldn't flee from the danger I had put you into, so I stayed. The red-hooded guy stayed here to protect you. I've been following you discreetly for weeks, months even, waiting for something I wished it would never happen. What finally happened today."
Subaru stops talking, brushing his wounded arm. He stands up, rubbing the sore muscle until it almost looks like no bullet met his skin.
I still don't know what to say, but I keep staring at him.
"Now you know the whole story, Shota, but unfortunately it's not over yet. I have to lure that shit out. And when I'll be done with him, or them even, I'll chase the ones who sent a fellow sniper to kill you, and I'll make sure that no-one will ever harm you anymore. And if it's my life they want, they can have it. Mine, though. Not yours."
"I don't want you to die," I finally utter, and then I rush out of the office and stop in the middle of the street, looking up at the high profile of the buildings of the quiet neighborhood.
"YOU HEAR ME, YOU SCUM?!" I cry. "CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU’LL RECKON THE DAY I WILL BE DEAD. HE'LL BE YOURS, RIGHT?! BUT YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT HIM! HE WON'T, EVE-"
And then I stop, because Subaru just grabbed my arm and drags me inside back again with his brutal strength.
"You sure have some guts, Shota," he whispers. I look furious at him.
"I should say thank you for saving me, right? I should, but I feel so deceived. I feel like an ungrateful bastard right now, Shibuyan! I'm sorry. I don't know whether I'll be able to forgive you, or if one day I even will."
He says nothing, and his eyes do look so sad. I dial Tacchon's number, waiting for him to reply. I'm pretty sure he's still awake, worrying about me.
"Reporting me to the police?" Subaru coldly asks.
"I'd love to because I treasure my friends, their shop, their customers and this neighborhood, and all the places I usually go to, but I won't. I just wanna go home right now and try to forget everything. And please go home as well and forget about me."
When Tacchon arrives with his car, Subaru is already gone.
I know I look shaken, but I refuse to tell my best friend the truth. I still don't know what to do.
The following day, forgetting about the fear, I'm ringing the bell of Subaru's apartment.
His shocked eyes speak for him.
I bow before he can ask me why I'm here.
"I am sorry for yesterday, Shibuyan. I was angry, it was too much for me, I guess."
"It would be too much for everyone," he corrects me. "I still wonder why you've yet to punch me straight in the face for what I did to you."
I cannot help but chuckle, and he grins, as well.
"Not my policy, I guess. You saw it already, I prefer female clothes to violence."
He bursts out laughing, and it's the very first time I see the way his wrinkles make his whole face open up, his crystal clear voice brightening his expression. It's the first time I see the Subaru I knew overlay the guy with the red hoodie and it's weird indeed. My feelings are still an indistinct puddle of mess.
"Anyway... maybe I'm not the fairy you thought I was, but there's indeed a whole underworld I'm totally clueless about, and I would have never thought that one day I'd have been dragged inside it."
"You won't have to," he quickly replies. "I'll make sure you'll never have to, and you'll never have to see my face anymore if that's what you wish."
"Good," I tell him. "Because I'll go on living my life, the life I loved, and I'll tell the guys of the Infinity Café the whole story because they deserve to, for their own sake as well. But I won't start being scared. I'm not scared of you either, Shibuyan. Should you have told me this sooner, maybe things would have turned out differently for the two of us," I confess him.
A sleepless night made me realize I do still love him. But there's been too much between us, and right now I have to put some distance to it.
He slowly bows at me.
"For everything you've given me, for every single moment you made me treasure, for every smile you've granted me, for the sincere love you've healed me with, I'll be forever grateful to you, Shota. One day, please forgive the beast you've met along your path if you can. I'm sure you deserve someone better than me, someone that can make you truly, genuinely and eternally happy."
"You did, Shibuyan," I tell him, with a cracked voice.
He looks up, pretty surprised, and I touch my chest, grabbing the front of my sweatshirt.
"The painting has not completely faded yet, you know?" I confess, while I can feel tears prickling the corner of my eyes.
"You're still here, Shibuyan, somehow... so please do what you feel like you have to do. I don't care if yours is not a very ordinary job. You showed me who you are, and that's what I truly wanted. And if one day you'll feel like coming back to Kanda, then please visit the Infinity Café again. Promise?" I ask him, sobbing between the tears.
"Promise," he whispers, emotion pretty visible upon his strained face.
**
Life isn't that ordinary, after all.
I graduated from university and started a part-time job as art teacher, but I didn't give up my other part-time job at Infinity Café. We're more and more like a family, you know?
Ryo and Maru moved in together last month, and yesterday evening we had a little party at their apartment to celebrate the news. We ate too much and drank even more, to tell the truth.
Ryochan is still sulking while cleaning out the mess, I think, while Maru's hangover is still not... over.
Business is going great, on the other hand: Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san just bought a complex at Ueno and the first branch of Infinity Café is due to open there next week, so we're all terribly busy with a lot of stuff. Tacchon will soon move around there, for Murakami-san will put him in charge of the whole branch and not only of its cooking part, after he did also graduate from his pastry school. I hope this will help Tadayoshi not think about Kitayama-kun, for their love relationship is currently on hiatus, we could say.
I haven't been seeing anyone recently, either.
I've loved too much, and I got burnt.
Ahhhhhhh... that's too dramatic, right? Indeed.
Well, the truth is that I've tried going out with a few guys over these years, but it didn't last long. It's not sex I'm seeking. It's something I had found, and I have also lost, due to circumstances. But I am happy, because I've been able to love someone the way one is truly supposed to love someone else.
Today is a nice day.
The breeze is sweeping a few leaves away, and my skirt has not the slightest intention of staying where it’s supposed to stay while I clean the shopwindow after my shift. And then, a reflex of a human figure on the glass makes me jolt, and I turn.
A man I had not seen for long, his black hair shorter than I remembered, a lot more wrinkles around his almond eyes and a very shy expression on the lips. His hands are hidden inside his pockets, and he's wearing an almost oversized jacket.
My heart stops beating.
"I'd love to have a cup of coffee," he murmurs, almost under his breath.
"Black coffee, right?" I tweet happily, trying hard to hide the backflips my heart is doing inside my chest.
He smiles sweetly. I do, as well.
END
Title: More than just meeting your eyes
Pairing: Shibutani Subaru/Yasuda Shota with side pairings: Murakami Shingo/Yokoyama Yuu, Nishikido Ryo/Maruyama Ryuhei, Ohkura Tadayoshi/Kitayama Hiromitsu
Rating: NC17 just to be safe, or R+
Warnings: Written in 1st person from Yasu’s point of view. AU partially angsty universe.
Also beware before reading, if you’re not comfortable to read a Yasuba story after Subaru’s departure from Kanjani8, I can understand it quite well.
I tried to respect the recipient’s wish as much as I could, so I took up the challenge.
At the same time, I will not deny the story might be biased because of my own -still very conflicted- feelings about Subaru, so please take also that into account if reading.
Summary: Shota’s life is quite busy between lessons at University, his part-time job at a café where he’s supposed to be also wearing female clothes, and the boyfriend he’s utterly in love with. While love and life relationships at the café go on, and his relationship with Subaru also deepens, things get suddenly twisted.
Notes: I had never fully written a story with Yasuba as main pairing before, so I hope it won’t sound too much OOC (and if so, I do apologize).
To my recipient: it's probably the most complicated story I have written so far, and I'm sorry if maybe it cannot meet all (or even half of?) the expectations you had for it. However always fascinated by his personality, it was honestly hard for me to write about Subaru, especially in this very peculiar moment, as I mentioned above.
I'm also sorry if this can be probably perceived throughout the whole story. But at the same time accepting this exchange was really challenging for me, so I’d love to thank you for that! A huge thanks to my beta-reader for the precious help!
My life isn't boring at all, you know.
When I don't attend fashion design lessons at university, I work at my part time job, which I came to like quite deeply.
The Infinity café is a lovely place where I enjoy my days with my co-workers. I cross-dress as a cute maid one day, a butler the following, and so does my best friend Ohkura Tadayoshi.
I have to admit he's pretty and definitely sexier than me when he's portraying Kurako. But that honestly cannot be helped. He's gorgeous. And me, as Yasuko, I'm cute enough.
We're being called the Candy My Love girls.
On the other hand, Maruchan and Ryochan do always stick to their male outfits even when Tadayoshi and me have our "girl days," and that's for the best. I care for them deeply, but they do honestly suck in female clothes. I'm happy that our boss, Murakami-san, agreed in suggesting they'd better not wear skirts anymore, especially when in front of him.
It was funny that day, after the closing time at the café.
Murakami-san hates letting things go wasted, and that's why he arrived at the café bringing some brand new maid outfits he was given for free after an idol event at Odaiba Bay.
The texture of the clothes was unbelievably shimmering. It captured my attention immediately.
I couldn't resist trying it on, and Yokoyama-san whistled openly at me, saying that with a wig and some fake boobs I could seriously pass for a nice girl.
Oh well. Yokoyama-san is Murakami-san's partner, both in life and business. I guess that's why he received a very nasty cold look from our boss, who insisted for him to try on the maid outfit as well as a punishment for what he said.
Yokoyama-san looked very sexy and very provoking with those long eyelashes of his, the fine features of his face and the white porcelain skin.
The moment Murakami-san started blushing openly, Yokoyama-san caught him by his nape and kissed him passionately on the mouth, oblivious of the four of us staring.
They started making out, and that was when we decided we'd better leave them some privacy and go back to cleaning up the café.
But, you know, business wasn't going very well at that time. Our customers were mostly broke students or grannies who didn't always appreciate the efforts that Murakami-san and Tadayoshi put in the elaborate food and pastries they prepared on a daily basis, besides the hot drinks. And there were probably plenty of other ordinary cafés just around the corner of Tokyo Fuji University on the Kanda river, where Infinity is located.
Luckily, after a night of wild sex -or so we were told, and I have no reasons to doubt Yokoyama-san's words-, both Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san said they could have a glimpse of the opportunity.
I was sent to the nearby Takadanobaba Station wearing the cute maid outfit to distribute as much leaflets as I could about the Infinity Café now becoming a cross-play café on alternate days.
Tadayoshi reached me later on that day, huffing about the pain of wearing the high-heeled shoes that Ryo had lent him after borrowing them from his sister.
The leaflets were gone by the end of the day, and so were the high spirits of my best friend, Tacchon.
"I'll resign starting tomorrow, I swear," he whined loudly while we came back to the café.
He's the one enjoying it the most now. In female clothes, I mean. It looks like a very smutty girl re-incarnated in my best friend, and I cannot honestly help but grin sheepishly every time I see him shaking his hips while serving the customers.
Ever since that day, we saw the customers grow steadily. Especially flocks of students coming to see me and Tacchon in female clothes, and lots of girls squealing at us -well, at Ryo and our boss especially- when it's butler time.
Sometimes even Yokoyama-san joins us, but, for the sake of his love relationship with the boss, he's been forbidden to act lavishly with any of the customers.
Yokoyama-san keeps winking at him every time he manages, though, and I grin like an idiot. I like them. And I like my life here.
When I'm not at university or at the café, I'm spending my nights at my boyfriend's place. Blindfolded.
That's how Shibuyan wants me. That's how I like it, too.
That's what we agreed on when we decided to meet each other for real, after getting to know one another in an online chat for art nerds.
He gave me his address and asked me to close my eyes when I stepped before the threshold of his apartment.
I rang the bell, and I obeyed.
The door opened, and I could hear some footsteps, and then I felt a band covering my eyes, and his fingers on the small of my back, guiding me inside.
He stripped me of my clothes, he whispered dirty words to my ear with a crystal clear voice, my fingertips learned the shape of his body and we made love for the first time together, after so many months spent with Skype sex. It was magical, and special, and I am so much in love with him, even if we're no ordinary couple at all.
Tacchon says I'm crazy, having blindfolded sex with a guy I don't even know the appearance.
I usually playfully tell him to mind his own business, since he hasn't had yet the guts to confess to his current boyfriend, Kitayama-kun, that he's working in female clothes half of the time. He blushes and shuts up, most of the time, and I grin.
Oh, well, that's how it works between me and Tacchon. We've known each other for twenty years already, he's a little brother to me, even though he's a lot taller despite being a year younger than me. Ever since we both started working at Infinity, I predicted that he would end up in bed with Maru or Ryo or both sooner or later, judging by the flirty looks they share every now and then, but no. He keeps falling for one wrong guy after another, and he keeps coming to weep to me whenever he's being inexorably dumped.
This Kitayama guy has been hanging around him for a while already, and Tacchon looks a lot more relaxed now. I hope he's a good one. I'm not forgiving with people who mess up by best friends, I swear.
Anyway.
I've just had my hair cut today. I like changing it frequently, and that's something I have in common with Tacchon, and probably also the real reason why we cannot stay far away from each other for long. After I dyed my hair blue, he went for a green dye. Murakami-san yelled at us that we're a bunch of idiots, but he looked way happier when he noticed that girls squealed even more at us and besides, the hair color under our curly female wigs didn't matter a damn thing.
I went for a mohawk with shaved scalp this time, and I cannot wait for Subaru to thread his fingers beneath it. I put on a pair of glasses and then I sent Tacchon my selfie, and he replied with a shocked emoji. I laugh.
I see myself as a canvas, and I wanna try out as many things as I can.
I'm already wearing my band on my eyes when I hear Shibuyan open the door, and his surprised hiccup after seeing me.
I cannot help but crack a smile.
"You're amazing," his awesome voice says, while his hand cups my cheek. He pulls me into a kiss, and we're making out in the corridor of the apartment complex he lives in even before realizing we definitely shouldn't. Because his other hand is clutching at my crotch over the baggy pants and I moan aloud, shamelessly, when we pull back from our kisses.
Because my fingers find the hem of his jeans and I grope his tiny ass right here, right now, and he growls from pleasure.
Because I need him. Because he wants me.
Why doesn't he want me to see him for real though, I don't know.
Not that I care that much.
If he thinks of himself as ugly, he should have realized by now that I wouldn't care less. I like him. I like the way we feel when we talk about art and music for hours, I like his teeth nipping at my naked skin and I like spending the whole weekend in bed with him. Blindfolded. He shoves pieces of food in my mouth, and I love the sound of his laughter whenever he realizes that I'm definitely not picky at all about food. I couldn't, after tasting all the recipes that Tacchon has made me try out over the years.
Subaru leaves the apartment for a couple hours sometimes, after suggesting to me I can freely take a bath if I wish. I remove the blindfold when he's gone and I curiously look around, noticing the small details of the few pristine square meters he lives in. Some very nice guitars, many vinyl records, scribbled notes on a small table, a lot of packs of cigarettes but no photographs at all. Nothing hanging on these walls. No other signs of his identity, of his past, of his dreams and hopes.
I have to admit it, and Tacchon would probably gloat here: Shibutani Subaru can be a mystery indeed.
**
Hello, it's Yasuko!
I'm particularly proud of the way I arranged my tiny fake boobs under my maid outfit today. It makes me look even prettier.
Murakami-san asked me whether I could help temporarily out with some more shifts during the week-end, since there are loads of people filling the café these days. I told him I'm very happy we're so busy lately, and he grinned at me.
I stroll out of the office and I join Maru and Ryo serving our customers. A few girls squeal when they notice me, but since Tacchon is not here today, I feel like being a little diva like him, and I offer them a few flying kisses. They meow and squeal even louder, and judging from his glare, I guess Ryo is not happy having his eardrum pierced by their shrieks, but heck.
He's acting a bit weird lately, actually. He looks as cool as usual from outside, but if you were to ask me, I'd say he looks like he's having some inner debate with himself instead.
I wonder whether I could be of help, but he's not one to talk about his own issues a lot.
Well anyway, he hasn't had the time yet to serve a guy who is sitting lonely in a corner, wearing a red hoodie over a curtain of straight black bangs over his eyes.
When I approach him and I cutely ask him about his order he looks up, apparently disoriented. I have to say I have never seen eyes like his own ones, deep and black like a stormy ocean on some obscure night. They pierce straight into me, and for a moment I just stare at him, saying nothing, and he stares back, undecipherable. Then I ask him again, but he doesn't reply.
I'm about to frown at him -maybe he just needs to chill down a bit, who knows- when he suddenly makes a gesture with his hands, and I recognize it immediately for what it is; he's apologizing through sign language. Yeah! And he doesn’t know it yet, but I’m his guy!
I offer him a huge smile in reply, and then I gesture back.
I learned it when I was at junior high, and practiced ever since because, should I ever happen to meet someone who doesn't talk my language, or carries some physical problems, I'd love to be able to communicate anyway.
I love communicating.
That's just how I am.
Also, being unable to use my sight whenever I'm with Shibuyan made me more aware of myself and my own surroundings, and I am even more sensitive to other people, somehow.
The guy looks even more disoriented at first, probably not expecting that from me, but then he grins sheepishly and replies.
I bring him a black coffee, and the memory of such a curious meeting fills my brain even later on when I should be supposed to be listening to our teacher at university.
The following day I reach the Infinity Café some fifteen minutes earlier than due, finding Ryo and Tacchon in a furious argument. I'm so taken back at the scene it takes me a whole minute to realize I need to rush and separate the two of them, but Tacchon pushes me hastily away.
"Don't you even try to defend him, Shochan!", Tadayoshi barks at me as soon as I try to ask them both to calm down. "This shit has made Maru cry!"
"I haven't asked him to!" Ryo retorts back.
"Asked him what?" I venture asking, but Ryo simply scowls both at me and at my friend, and then he takes off his butler waistcoat, slams the locker close and storms off, disappearing without another word.
I blink several times.
"May I ask again what the hell has happened between the two of you, right now?" I ask, not without a bewildered face.
Tacchon and Ryo aren't exactly best friends, but there's always been this kind of particular vibe between them, ever since they met at Infinity, and despite witnessing the regular witty banters they share, this outburst was honestly the last thing I'd ever expected from them.
Tacchon rolls his eyes and spills the bean.
"Maru told me he gathered the guts to confess to Ryo finally," he says, still visibly annoyed. "But Ryo turned him down because he's a GUY," he stresses out coldly. "Can't you see the shitty irony, Shochan?! We all know Ryochan is bisexual thanks to the fact he's always bragged about having so many 'particular affairs' so far, yet he cannot date Maru because he's a guy. Maru is the best guy in the world, but Ryo does not want him! He must be seriously nuts. Nuts! The biggest idiot on Earth! I cannot stand someone making Maru suffer. I cannot. Shit, I'm so damn angry with him, I would have punched him straight in that damn face if you were not to pop up, Shochan. I swear!"
"There must be a reason. Ryochan is a good guy," I try to persuade him, and myself at the same time, but Tacchon's eyes throw daggers at me.
"I told you not to even try to defend him, Shochan! This is inexcusable! It is!"
He hastily puts his female wig on, and I cannot help but hide a smile. An angry diva we have right now.
"Since Maru has always had a soft spot for Ryochan, and Ryochan has never denied flirting cutely with him, I thought... I thought they could be okay," he softly confesses to me then, in a definitely different tone, looking thoughtful. "But when I confronted Ryochan about that, he told me it was none of my business."
"He's not that wrong indeed," I sweetly confirm him, patting him on the back.
"I do usually do nothing but mind my own business, actually," he growls, "unless people throw shit to my friends' feeling. I cannot stand that," he concludes, leaving me to be ready for the opening hours of the café.
That very evening, I talk about it with Shibuyan, once we're done with the sex and I'm caressing his thigh, while he's tenderly biting the flesh of my arm.
"How is this even happening, I wonder..." I ask him. "I've known Ryochan for a while already, and I know that despite the cocky attitude he has sometimes, he's a really nice guy. But then... why hurting Maru to that extent? Maru is a softie... It breaks my heart knowing about his own heart bleeding."
"Your friends will be okay," Shibuyan tells me.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because sometimes, when you realize it could be true love knocking at your door, you can get scared and freak out," he warns me.
"Eh?!" I sit up on the bed, and despite my blindfold, I turn towards my lover. "You mean... You mean Ryochan could be..."
"Yeah, he is. Judging by what you told me, he probably is," he replies, catching my arm to pull me to him, and I giggle.
When he starts kissing me again, and his hands playfully pinch my sore ass, I realize I would like to ask him how many times true love knocked at the doors of his life but somehow, I find myself scared to know more.
What if I'm not?
What am I to him, right now?
What will become of me? Of us?
**
The red-hooded guy has become a regular customer here at Infinity.
He sits down and he patiently waits until he knows I'll shake off the loads of other customers. I'll reach him and bring him his usual black coffee. He's a regular even in his tastes. I guess my colleagues could serve him equally good, but somehow they realized I enjoy speaking with him through sign language, and they let me.
We speak very little, to tell the truth. Time does always lack, and this guy who is always wearing red and black clothes isn't the chatty type. He looks pretty interesting to me, though, and I am not the only one who thinks that, despite the shabby clothes, he's sexy.
Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san apparently have had an argument about it; Murakami-san found his lover batting his eyelashes in a rather particular way whenever the red-hooded guy is around at the shop, and he forbade Yokoyama-san from serving him at all, to which the latter howled aloud that he's frankly insane.
I'd say Yokoyama-san was just curiously staring and nothing more, but I won't butt in, in another lover's quarrel for sure.
Red-hooded guy is making trouble. Jeez!
He must be also about Shibuyan's same size, I think.
Oh Gosh, speaking of which, I cannot wait to go at Shibuyan's, tonight.
He asked me whether I'm okay with becoming a canvas for his next piece of art.
I squealed. I didn’t know he also made art, actually. I said yes of course, and then he chuckled, explaining his idea in further details.
Body painting. Why is my boyfriend a pro at basically everything? I'm baffled.
I told him yes, once again, and I'm so excited.
I won't see a thing but I'll feel it straight on my skin. Isn't it the best thing ever?
Once I'm there, he makes me lay down on something that feels like some plastic towel under my palms.
He prepares my body by shaving all the small hair off until it's completely hairless. And then I can hear him dip a paint brush and I next feel the cold colour land on my belly and cross my chest like tongues of frozen flames.
He's painting me, creating me from scratch.
It feels so good, and I start imagining like crazy what kind of pictures Shibuyan wants me to carry upon my own skin.
"Shibuyan... you're making me beautiful, aren't you?"
He chuckles again, and then kisses me on the mouth.
"You're distracting the artist," he teases.
"Sorry. I'm so damn curious..."
"Can't you feel it? The way I feel, Shota..." he asks me then. His paintbrush draws circles around my nipples, and I moan under my breath. It feels so good, it's so beyond sensuality.
His hands caress my thighs before painting it all according to the images floating in his head.
I'm curious, I wanna know. I wanna see his feelings sealed on my body.
When he's done, and the paint has penetrated my flesh, and he's helped me on my feet to wear my clothes once again, he kisses me on the mouth before I leave, and he whispers it on my lips.
"This is the meaning, Shota. I'll be with you always."
I'm before the mirror in my little room, and I'm speechless.
I'm watching the canvas I have become. What's on the naked skin, what he's made of me.
It's an abstract motive resembling marine creatures flying on my chest, of blue oceans and waves falling into the sky, of red roses and thorns, of light and darkness melting into each other on my belly, up until my thighs.
It's so beautiful it makes me cry. And that's how I burst out crying from emotion, that's how I end up falling on my knees, sobbing. But when I try to reach Shibuyan over the phone, he doesn't reply, so I leave a flying kiss to his voicemail. That night my dreams are filled of him, of his voice, of his arms surrounding me like a guardian angel.
The following day, while I'm about to start my shift at work, Shibuyan texts me saying he's got some business to deal with, that he'll be out for a few days and hopes I won't have to start worrying whether he might be unable to reply to messages I might send him in the meantime.
I chuckle.
Two days later I miss him already, to tell the truth, but I do have his soul carved under my maid clothes, and it's so precious I cannot even tell.
I end up blushing when Tacchon asks me why I'm this thoughtful today, with his eyes piercing straight into me as always. For some reason, though, I don't feel like showing him what's underneath me right now.
And then, time passes.
The days become a few weeks, and I haven't heard from Shibuyan. He's apparently not back home yet, and he hasn't written either.
I wonder how he's doing. How busy he must be. With what, I actually have no idea. I realize I do know so little about his work when he knows so much about mine and my interests since I never stop babbling about myself.
I miss you, Shibuyan.
I try not to think about it. I concentrate on my lessons, on the little crowd of people going back and forth at the cafe, making Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san happier and satisfied, though willing to improve the pleasures of the café even more.
Maruchan and Ryochan are supposed to be wearing reindeer felt hats at work starting soon due to Christmas time approaching, while Tacchon and me will have red Santa hats matching our frilly female Christmas outfit.
Well, flashy red suits me very well, I'd say. And this also makes me ironically match red-hooded guy's clothes, right?
That's what I gesture him one day, pouting cutely. He grins.
He's now visiting the café on a daily basis and he still speaks to me only, in his own way of course. Talking to him with sign language somehow makes me miss Shibuyan even more, and the body art he left on me kinda burns sometimes with a sensation I cannot exactly recall.
Shower after shower, its colours are slowly bleeding from me, and yet it aches.
I don't want him to vanish into thin air like this.
I miss him especially after I spotted Maruchan and Ryo snogging passionately in the closet. I was so speechless I might have stared at the two of them for longer than expected, and then I fled from the spot slamming the door. I rushed out of the café and I texted Tacchon immediately only to have him reply that Maruchan had told him the news a couple hours earlier.
>> I'm still waiting for that idiot named Ryochan to say sorry, though << he wrote then.
>> He never will<< I type, suddenly grinning like an idiot. I’m adding some more text, and I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize there's suddenly someone screaming my name, somewhere here in the nearby.
“STAY DOWN, SHOTAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
I would recognize that voice everywhere.
Shibuyan’s.
Where? How come? Why screaming?
When I look up, out of instinct, I only manage to see a man in a red hoodie running with all his might towards me and then literally throwing himself on me. It’s a matter of seconds, I cannot even think straight. We tumble down rolling together on the hard asphalt, and when I relinquish myself from him, panting hard, I recognize the café customer, the red-hooded guy clutching tight at my clothes, but I cannot see Shibuyan anywhere.
This guy is in pain, though. He’s bleeding from his upper arm, grimacing. He’s been shot.
How on Earth?!
“You okay… Shota?” he murmurs, looking worried and sadly at me. “Oh please, please tell me you’re okay…”
My eyes dilate from shock, though nodding quickly with my eyes filled with tears.
He’s speaking. He’s speaking with Shibuyan’s voice. He is…
And I still cannot understand what’s going on here.
I try keeping my composure. My mobile fell down the moment we collided with the floor but, apparently, it’s still working. So I calledTacchon, asking for his help, for Murakami-san’s help, for anyone’s help. The moment I mentioned calling an ambulance, red-hooded guy blocked my arm and whispered a barely audible ‘no’ with his lips.
I looked at him in horror almost. Is he the guy I’m in love with, for real? Are those the lips I kissed?
I feel so deceived. I feel like I’m not getting what’s going on here, and it hurts. It does fucking hurt.
Murakami-san arrived together with Maru and Ryo. They helped me get red-hooded guy on his feet and lean on Maru’s arms until we’re all in the office behind the café and Tacchon joins us, looking insanely worried for me and hugging me tight to him. He starts tending Subaru’s wounds with Murakami-san. They’re the ones who supposedly attended the first-aid compulsory course required by the law.
Murakami-san didn’t even bother asking me what happened. Not that I have the slightest idea about it anyway, but I’m glad. He’s a practical man, and he always knows where his priorities are. I don’t know where mine have gone, though.
I keep staring at this wounded man who keeps saying he’s sorry, that he never wished to make any trouble, that my colleagues need to keep an eye on my safety and a few other things I don’t understand.
I cannot speak. They all think it’s because of the shock of what happened while none of them realize it’s because I’m seeing my boyfriend laying down in front of me, and a bunch of lies bleeding in between us. And I cannot even explain it them.
Murakami-san suggests we’d better let him rest here despite the wound being not as serious as it first seemed. Apparently a bullet brushed his arm but didn’t penetrated it, so it’s basically a scratch. Almost.
I close my eyes. If he were not to drag me down, should I have been the one being shot, and maybe, fatally?
I cannot think straight.
I insist staying with him for the night, and all my colleagues obviously oppose the idea.
“He saved my life. I owe him. Please,” I tell them, and from the way Tacchon’s piercing eyes meet mine, I know he knows I’m keeping something from him also. I beg him with my eyes. I beg him to understand, even though I’m the one being clueless here.
“Well, it’s true that Shochan looks fine now, after all,” Tadayoshi says. “He’s an adult, so I guess we should let him stay as he wishes. I’ll make sure to arrive here very early tomorrow to check on both.”
Another good thing about Tadayoshi is that he’s got this warm velvety voice that has some kind of soothing power on people. And the magic works once again.
I’m alone with red-hooded guy, right now. Or Subaru, that is.
And I finally allow myself to let the pain be visible on my face, even when I still cannot speak. I cannot ask.
“You have all the rights to hate me, Shota,” Subaru starts out, sighing. “But I’d love to explain everything at least. Then you’ll have the right to hate me even more. Deal?”
I do not reply. But I know my silence works as a ‘yes’, so I keep shut and I listen.
“I’m a sniper, to tell you the truth,” he confesses me, while the amazing eyes I thought belonging to red-hooded guy set into me. “I’ve worked as a mercenary ever since I was a very young adolescent. I guess it happened… by chance? I don’t know, actually. I found myself gaining money over terrible wounds asked by people who hired me even before I realized it had become a regular job. I’ve rarely killed, to tell the truth. Most of the time, I guess that fear of death has worked, but I know that counts little, right?
“It’s a despicable job, that left me with tons of amount of spare time at the same time. Tons of time I had to spend with myself. Tons of hours I had no idea how to work out in order... not to think, I guess.
“When I was not out for some job, I dedicated myself to art and music, for I found both terribly soothing to my soul. All by myself, of course. I’ve lived a lonely life so far.
And then I met you online. And, believe it or not, I fell in love with you. For real.”
Subaru pauses, and I shake my head.
Nope, it’s another lie. It has to be.
“I was so hooked to you and all of you seemed so much you looked almost... unreal.
I knew it was wrong of me to keep in touch and even meet you outside that chat, but I couldn’t resist. My real address, my apartment, my full name: I dared to tell you all of those things in exchange for your scent, the sound of your voice, the warmth of your breath, the way you made love to me.
“You are amazing, Shota. The best thing ever appeared in my whole life. The only thing I regret is not about you, but rather having put you in terrible danger, and when I realized this, it was already too late. I should have dumped you. I should have asked you never to come to my place anymore, to stop dating. I should have, for your own sake. But I didn't have the guts to. You were so warm. So real. You seemed to be able to caress my own soul, to unwrap it gently. To tell me that even someone like me was worth it. I was, and I still am, so lost in you.
“One day... I received a new commission: I was asked to kill you. I almost went psycho at the message. I would have never done something like this. I could have never harm you in any way. Ever. But still, I needed time. At first, I thought it was a mistake. I thought you could have maybe witnessed something in your everyday life that you shouldn’t have seen, but even after a lot of investigation, I couldn't lure out a damn thing, a damn reason. There is none. You're a pure soul. The kind of guy who arrives late at his lessons at university because you had to help a deaf granny find the way back to her apartment. I saw it.
“And I finally realized that those who had hired me wanted you dead because you’re my weakness. I sensed they might have been about to assign me a very delicate job -you know, politicians- and wanted to have proof whether I could be as cold as death. I never turned down any request, so far. Never. No one but you. You're the one who made me finally understand what's the meaning of life, what's the purpose of loving someone, of risking life for someone else's, even. How precious life and feelings can be.”
“Between life and death, I chose the first. I chose you, despite you being clueless. At the same time, I knew that my hesitation about 'the job' meant you were more and more in danger with each passing day. If I were not to do the job, someone else would. That was when I realized I had to stop being your boyfriend and become your bodyguard instead. That was when the guy with the red hoodie appeared at the café you work in.”
“I thought that you knew very well my voice, the scent of my skin, my physical frame even, but you had never seen me, and maybe I could make it work. Stay by your side again, watch your back during your shifts and even during your life outside. Man, I was so nervous when I first talked to you with sign language, fearing that you might find out immediately about my disguise, and then... you cutely answered with it. I was so surprised I wanted to laugh out loudly, you don't know how much!”
“To know we were able to communicate even through that... it made my heart ache with pain and feelings at the same time. You had never mentioned knowing that language when you stayed at my apartment, and yet among all of your colleagues, you were once again the only one who naturally reached out for me.”
“I wanted to cry out how I loved you, Shota. I wanted to disappear and let you live a peaceful life, but I had already ruined everything. I couldn't flee from the danger I had put you into, so I stayed. The red-hooded guy stayed here to protect you. I've been following you discreetly for weeks, months even, waiting for something I wished it would never happen. What finally happened today."
Subaru stops talking, brushing his wounded arm. He stands up, rubbing the sore muscle until it almost looks like no bullet met his skin.
I still don't know what to say, but I keep staring at him.
"Now you know the whole story, Shota, but unfortunately it's not over yet. I have to lure that shit out. And when I'll be done with him, or them even, I'll chase the ones who sent a fellow sniper to kill you, and I'll make sure that no-one will ever harm you anymore. And if it's my life they want, they can have it. Mine, though. Not yours."
"I don't want you to die," I finally utter, and then I rush out of the office and stop in the middle of the street, looking up at the high profile of the buildings of the quiet neighborhood.
"YOU HEAR ME, YOU SCUM?!" I cry. "CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU’LL RECKON THE DAY I WILL BE DEAD. HE'LL BE YOURS, RIGHT?! BUT YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT HIM! HE WON'T, EVE-"
And then I stop, because Subaru just grabbed my arm and drags me inside back again with his brutal strength.
"You sure have some guts, Shota," he whispers. I look furious at him.
"I should say thank you for saving me, right? I should, but I feel so deceived. I feel like an ungrateful bastard right now, Shibuyan! I'm sorry. I don't know whether I'll be able to forgive you, or if one day I even will."
He says nothing, and his eyes do look so sad. I dial Tacchon's number, waiting for him to reply. I'm pretty sure he's still awake, worrying about me.
"Reporting me to the police?" Subaru coldly asks.
"I'd love to because I treasure my friends, their shop, their customers and this neighborhood, and all the places I usually go to, but I won't. I just wanna go home right now and try to forget everything. And please go home as well and forget about me."
When Tacchon arrives with his car, Subaru is already gone.
I know I look shaken, but I refuse to tell my best friend the truth. I still don't know what to do.
The following day, forgetting about the fear, I'm ringing the bell of Subaru's apartment.
His shocked eyes speak for him.
I bow before he can ask me why I'm here.
"I am sorry for yesterday, Shibuyan. I was angry, it was too much for me, I guess."
"It would be too much for everyone," he corrects me. "I still wonder why you've yet to punch me straight in the face for what I did to you."
I cannot help but chuckle, and he grins, as well.
"Not my policy, I guess. You saw it already, I prefer female clothes to violence."
He bursts out laughing, and it's the very first time I see the way his wrinkles make his whole face open up, his crystal clear voice brightening his expression. It's the first time I see the Subaru I knew overlay the guy with the red hoodie and it's weird indeed. My feelings are still an indistinct puddle of mess.
"Anyway... maybe I'm not the fairy you thought I was, but there's indeed a whole underworld I'm totally clueless about, and I would have never thought that one day I'd have been dragged inside it."
"You won't have to," he quickly replies. "I'll make sure you'll never have to, and you'll never have to see my face anymore if that's what you wish."
"Good," I tell him. "Because I'll go on living my life, the life I loved, and I'll tell the guys of the Infinity Café the whole story because they deserve to, for their own sake as well. But I won't start being scared. I'm not scared of you either, Shibuyan. Should you have told me this sooner, maybe things would have turned out differently for the two of us," I confess him.
A sleepless night made me realize I do still love him. But there's been too much between us, and right now I have to put some distance to it.
He slowly bows at me.
"For everything you've given me, for every single moment you made me treasure, for every smile you've granted me, for the sincere love you've healed me with, I'll be forever grateful to you, Shota. One day, please forgive the beast you've met along your path if you can. I'm sure you deserve someone better than me, someone that can make you truly, genuinely and eternally happy."
"You did, Shibuyan," I tell him, with a cracked voice.
He looks up, pretty surprised, and I touch my chest, grabbing the front of my sweatshirt.
"The painting has not completely faded yet, you know?" I confess, while I can feel tears prickling the corner of my eyes.
"You're still here, Shibuyan, somehow... so please do what you feel like you have to do. I don't care if yours is not a very ordinary job. You showed me who you are, and that's what I truly wanted. And if one day you'll feel like coming back to Kanda, then please visit the Infinity Café again. Promise?" I ask him, sobbing between the tears.
"Promise," he whispers, emotion pretty visible upon his strained face.
**
Life isn't that ordinary, after all.
I graduated from university and started a part-time job as art teacher, but I didn't give up my other part-time job at Infinity Café. We're more and more like a family, you know?
Ryo and Maru moved in together last month, and yesterday evening we had a little party at their apartment to celebrate the news. We ate too much and drank even more, to tell the truth.
Ryochan is still sulking while cleaning out the mess, I think, while Maru's hangover is still not... over.
Business is going great, on the other hand: Murakami-san and Yokoyama-san just bought a complex at Ueno and the first branch of Infinity Café is due to open there next week, so we're all terribly busy with a lot of stuff. Tacchon will soon move around there, for Murakami-san will put him in charge of the whole branch and not only of its cooking part, after he did also graduate from his pastry school. I hope this will help Tadayoshi not think about Kitayama-kun, for their love relationship is currently on hiatus, we could say.
I haven't been seeing anyone recently, either.
I've loved too much, and I got burnt.
Ahhhhhhh... that's too dramatic, right? Indeed.
Well, the truth is that I've tried going out with a few guys over these years, but it didn't last long. It's not sex I'm seeking. It's something I had found, and I have also lost, due to circumstances. But I am happy, because I've been able to love someone the way one is truly supposed to love someone else.
Today is a nice day.
The breeze is sweeping a few leaves away, and my skirt has not the slightest intention of staying where it’s supposed to stay while I clean the shopwindow after my shift. And then, a reflex of a human figure on the glass makes me jolt, and I turn.
A man I had not seen for long, his black hair shorter than I remembered, a lot more wrinkles around his almond eyes and a very shy expression on the lips. His hands are hidden inside his pockets, and he's wearing an almost oversized jacket.
My heart stops beating.
"I'd love to have a cup of coffee," he murmurs, almost under his breath.
"Black coffee, right?" I tweet happily, trying hard to hide the backflips my heart is doing inside my chest.
He smiles sweetly. I do, as well.
END