je_united gift fic for lilly0
je_united gift fic for lilly0
Title: Black hole
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun/Nishikido Ryo
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: hurt and comfort and some violence, but no major injuries
Summary: Jun finds himself in a black hole - and there is no one who can help him through this, right?
Notes: Dear lilly0, I really hope you'll enjoy this <3
Jun looked at Ryo chatting with some of his friends. He didn’t want the other to see that he was still looking at him when they had broken up months ago. They had been friends since childhood, and they still shared a room in their dorm - simply because they were not allowed to change rooms during the term. Of course Jun had wished that they could make a proper cut, but it wasn’t possible now.
He had started hiding in his shell more and more. He knew that it was partly his fault that Ryo had made the cut, but he couldn’t change the way it had happened. And no one seemed to be able to bear with him.
Jun tried this for the fourth time now. He could feel the blood running down his arm. It felt warm and the red trail down his arm looked so beautiful to him. He blinked when everything around him started getting blurry and he could only guess that it was blood running down his arm.
He tried to take a hold of the sink next to him, but he already felt too weak to do so and he sunk down on the ground, leaning his head against the bathtub behind him. He could feel the pain crossing him, but he couldn’t care less. It was the feeling he longed most for, the feeling which made him realize that he was still alive and not only numb and tired. It sharpened his senses, even though he had the feeling to faint every second.
“Oh god, what are you doing here?” Jun blinked. He could see someone coming into the room. Hadn’t he locked the door? Oh god no, he had forgotten to lock it, and now someone had found him.
“Leave me,” he said weakly.
The person took some towels and soon Jun felt his arm being wrapped into them. The person stood up and left the bathroom, but Jun knew that he would come back and wouldn't leave him alone. And he was right. Soon later the person came back, a glass of water in his hands. “Here, drink.” Jun sipped on the glass of water and slowly he could see everything clearly again.
“Ryo,” he said, still weak. He was a little embarrassed that it was his ex-boyfriend who had caught him. He didn’t want to explain himself to anyone. “Do you really need so sneak around here?” Jun huffed. “You know I am in the bathroom, and we aren’t together anymore, so don’t sneak around here.”
Jun looked at the other. His eyes got smaller and Ryo’s eyes also got darker. “Jun, I searched for you, because I knew that you’d do something stupid again.”
Jun tried to sit up. “Why do you care? It’s none of your business… anymore.”
Ryo knelt down and sighed. “Jun.” He wanted to say something further, but he didn’t.
Everything had started so well some months ago. They had gone out with each other for a few times, but Jun’s condition had already been bad. And even though he had started feeling a lot for the other, it hadn’t become better. After a few dates Jun had drawn back and decided to end their relationship. He had maybe hoped that Ryo would try it again, but he hadn't.
“We aren’t dating anymore, so it’s none of your business what I am doing.” Jun felt the anger in him rising. Why was nobody able to stay with him? He knew he had problems, but he also knew that he wouldn’t escape his tricky situation alone - but who would bear with him and his mood swings? He didn’t even like himself most of the time.
“Stop this now, Jun.” Ryo got angry. “We go now.”
“Where to?” Jun let himself being pulled up, but he didn’t start walking. He didn’t want to be brought into a hospital or something like this. No one should ever see how he felt. He wanted to get out of here before anyone would have seen something. He knew exactly when people arrived and when they left - just that he didn’t expect Ryo.
“The hotel down the street,” Ryo said calmly. Jun was surprised that Ryo didn’t yell at him or scold him and he didn’t even seem to be astonished.
“Why are you here?” Jun tried to get away from Ryo’s hand around his arm, but he failed. Ryo’s grip had been tighter than he had thought it would be.
“I feared that you would do something stupid again, and that’s why I followed you.” Ryo was still calm.
“You knew about my problems?” Jun blinked. He had thought that he had hid his scars well, but it seemed that Ryo had found out about them?
Ryo sighed. “Jun, you changed so much, already before we started meeting.”
“And that’s why you left me after a few dates?” Jun didn’t want to sound like a pouting child, but he could feel a terrible pain in his chest in this moment. He had tried to push away every feeling he had because of Ryo leaving him, but it hadn't worked out. He still felt a stinging pain in his chest when he thought about it.
“Jun,” Ryo said slowly. “You pushed me away. You made me leave you.” He supported Jun walking down the corridor till they reached the elevator. That wasn’t true! He didn’t push the other away. He wanted to open up, he wanted to get out of this, but Ryo gave up on him.
“No.” Jun shook his head. He stumbled a little when he felt everything around him get dizzy. He let himself being dragged to the hotel not far away. Just when they entered the room and Ryo placed Jun on the bed, he started speaking again.
“Can you remember the day I decided to go?” Ryo said slowly.
Jun nodded but then he shook his head. “Not really,” he admitted. He could remember that he had told Ryo to leave, but he didn’t remember what exactly had happened.
Ryo kneeled in front of him, his hands on Jun’s legs. “You told me to leave because you wanted to end your life. You did this various times, Jun. You always threatened to do this, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. You told me you’d leave me one day, because you needed to end your life, and you’d do it, no one would be able to change this.” He breathed out. “I loved you, Jun, and I couldn’t watch you suffer like this. I wanted to help you, because you meant everything to me, but at one point I couldn’t anymore. I was about to go insane with this situation. I was about to break down.” Ryo made a pause. “I had been thinking for months about this step. I knew that I didn’t want to lose you, but I wasn’t able to change you either. I hoped that you would change your opinion when I decided to leave you, but it seems this didn’t change anything.” He brushed Jun’s knee. “I watched every step you took during the last months. It was me trying to get you out of this again and again, but you didn’t take any helping hand.”
Jun pressed the towels onto his wounds. He could still feel the pain in him. Everything was still foggy, but his mind was sharpened. Ryo looked miserable and Jun had never seen this before. Had he been looking like this for longer? Had he always looked that desperate and spent? Was this really Jun’s fault? Maybe it would really be the best to disappear then. “Don’t think about doing something stupid, because I won't let you do this.” Ryo seemed to be able to read his mind.
“I am going to get some bandages for you now, and you stay here, and don’t you dare do something stupid,” Ryo warned him.
“Why do you still help me?” Jun asked.
“Is it that so difficult to guess?” Ryo asked. “I still love you.”
Jun heard these words, but they seemed already far away and he slipped into a restless sleep. He thought that he heard Ryo apologizing for giving him sleeping pills, but he wasn’t sure if this really happened or if it was just a dream.
Jun could hear someone walking up and down next to him, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He tried to breath in and out slowly when he realized that he was panicking.
“Jun?” he heard Ryo saying. After someone shook his shoulder he was finally able to open his eyes. He was still in the hotel room. His arm was in a bandage and there was some food on a table next to the bed. Just now Jun realized how hungry he had been. When had he eaten something for the last time? Before their lesson he hadn’t had time to eat, and afterwards he had been so tensed, because he needed to wait till everyone would have left so that he could start hurting himself. Everything was a little dizzy around him.
“Can I eat and drink something?” Jun asked.
Ryo nodded at him and stood up from his chair. He gave Jun a bento box and some juice. Jun wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like sweet drinks, you know that.”
Ryo sat next to him. He looked tired and exhausted. Had he stayed awake while Jun had slept? What was the time? How long did he sleep? “You need to drink something sweet. It will help you feel better.”
Jun took two sips and swallowed the coke. He really didn’t like it, but it made him feel a little better. “How long did I sleep?”
“Six hours,” Ryo said. “I am sorry for giving you the sleeping powder, but you needed some rest, and I was afraid you would run away and do something stupid.”
Jun wanted to scold Ryo, but he couldn’t. He felt fully awake and to his surprise he didn’t feel that bad at all. It was like his body had really longed for the rest. “I guess it’s okay.”
Jun took a few bites from the food Ryo had given him. It didn’t taste that bad at all, but Jun’s bad feeling came back bit by bit and with that his hunger faded. He could feel his hands starting to shiver and he feared he might drop the chopsticks. He tried breathing, but his nervousness didn’t fade till he felt Ryo’s hand around his, holding it tightly. His thumb brushed over Jun’s hand. “Everything is okay.” He smiled at Jun. “There is nothing to worry about at the moment.”
Jun allowed his feelings to overwhelm him for a moment and he totally leaned into the feeling of being save and loved. He leaned his head against Ryo’s shoulder and enjoyed the warmth of someone next to him. “I am a bad person. I put my friends in danger because of my problems, and I am sure they already guess that something is wrong. They will judge me.”
Ryo leaned his head against Jun’s. “No one is judging you, and no one wants something bad for you, Jun. They all want your best and they want to help you.”
“They know?” Jun panicked again till Ryo stroked his head.
“I don’t know, but I think they suspected something.” Ryo looked at him. “You look really bad Jun, your mood changed and no one had ever seen you like this before. They are your friends, of course they know that something is wrong.”
“And they asked you to help me?” Jun wanted to know.
“Yes,” Ryo admitted. “They hoped that you would feel enough for me to let me help you.”
Jun gulped. He still felt a lot for Ryo, but he wasn’t sure if he could open up for a relationship again. “I want to, but I don’t know if I will be able to do so.”
“Can you imagine getting rid of all the dark feelings you carry inside?” Ryo wanted to know.
Jun hadn’t thought about it till now. He was so caught in his dark mood that a way out of it seemed far away, but it sounded good. Maybe he would be able to get back with Ryo and maybe he wouldn’t ruin it this time? But the whole mess he had in his life was almost impossible to get rid of. “I want to.”
“That’s the most important thing,” Ryo said with a smile. “Just when you want to get out of it, you’ll make it.”
Jun nodded. He was weak and he knew it. And he was really deep down in a black hole, but he wanted to get out of it. He wanted to at least try it. He looked at Ryo. His heartbeat increased. He grasped Ryo’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Will you help me?”
Ryo smiled at him. “I would love to see you trusting me.” He bent forward and kissed Jun, shy at first, but his kiss got more eager yet it was still sweet.
Two months later
Jun waited outside the building for Ryo to arrive. He was done with his therapy for this day and they would spend the rest of the day in an onsen not far away.
Jun still felt blue and sad from time to time, but the urgent feeling of hurting himself was almost gone. He had talked with his friends about his problems, and even though he had wished to die while he explained his fears and troubles, he felt incredibly free afterwards.
“Hey,” Ryo said with a smile. Had he always been that cute with his smile and his sparkling eyes, or had Jun just never seen it because of all the fog around him?
“Hey,” Jun replied. He looked around and when he saw that no one was around he kissed the other. He took Ryo’s hand in his and they started walking to the bus station.
“Are you ready for a day of relaxing?” Ryo asked.
“Perfectly ready,” Jun said with a nod. He nibbled on his lower lip. “Thank you, Ryo, for everything. I think I would have been dead without you.”
Ryo smiled at him. “I am so happy that you decided to trust me, Jun.”
Jun felt his belly making some jumps. “I really like you.” He had never said this before, but it felt like the perfect moment now.
“I love you too,” Ryo giggled happily.
This was definitely his way to a normal life.
Title: Black hole
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun/Nishikido Ryo
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: hurt and comfort and some violence, but no major injuries
Summary: Jun finds himself in a black hole - and there is no one who can help him through this, right?
Notes: Dear lilly0, I really hope you'll enjoy this <3
Jun looked at Ryo chatting with some of his friends. He didn’t want the other to see that he was still looking at him when they had broken up months ago. They had been friends since childhood, and they still shared a room in their dorm - simply because they were not allowed to change rooms during the term. Of course Jun had wished that they could make a proper cut, but it wasn’t possible now.
He had started hiding in his shell more and more. He knew that it was partly his fault that Ryo had made the cut, but he couldn’t change the way it had happened. And no one seemed to be able to bear with him.
Jun tried this for the fourth time now. He could feel the blood running down his arm. It felt warm and the red trail down his arm looked so beautiful to him. He blinked when everything around him started getting blurry and he could only guess that it was blood running down his arm.
He tried to take a hold of the sink next to him, but he already felt too weak to do so and he sunk down on the ground, leaning his head against the bathtub behind him. He could feel the pain crossing him, but he couldn’t care less. It was the feeling he longed most for, the feeling which made him realize that he was still alive and not only numb and tired. It sharpened his senses, even though he had the feeling to faint every second.
“Oh god, what are you doing here?” Jun blinked. He could see someone coming into the room. Hadn’t he locked the door? Oh god no, he had forgotten to lock it, and now someone had found him.
“Leave me,” he said weakly.
The person took some towels and soon Jun felt his arm being wrapped into them. The person stood up and left the bathroom, but Jun knew that he would come back and wouldn't leave him alone. And he was right. Soon later the person came back, a glass of water in his hands. “Here, drink.” Jun sipped on the glass of water and slowly he could see everything clearly again.
“Ryo,” he said, still weak. He was a little embarrassed that it was his ex-boyfriend who had caught him. He didn’t want to explain himself to anyone. “Do you really need so sneak around here?” Jun huffed. “You know I am in the bathroom, and we aren’t together anymore, so don’t sneak around here.”
Jun looked at the other. His eyes got smaller and Ryo’s eyes also got darker. “Jun, I searched for you, because I knew that you’d do something stupid again.”
Jun tried to sit up. “Why do you care? It’s none of your business… anymore.”
Ryo knelt down and sighed. “Jun.” He wanted to say something further, but he didn’t.
Everything had started so well some months ago. They had gone out with each other for a few times, but Jun’s condition had already been bad. And even though he had started feeling a lot for the other, it hadn’t become better. After a few dates Jun had drawn back and decided to end their relationship. He had maybe hoped that Ryo would try it again, but he hadn't.
“We aren’t dating anymore, so it’s none of your business what I am doing.” Jun felt the anger in him rising. Why was nobody able to stay with him? He knew he had problems, but he also knew that he wouldn’t escape his tricky situation alone - but who would bear with him and his mood swings? He didn’t even like himself most of the time.
“Stop this now, Jun.” Ryo got angry. “We go now.”
“Where to?” Jun let himself being pulled up, but he didn’t start walking. He didn’t want to be brought into a hospital or something like this. No one should ever see how he felt. He wanted to get out of here before anyone would have seen something. He knew exactly when people arrived and when they left - just that he didn’t expect Ryo.
“The hotel down the street,” Ryo said calmly. Jun was surprised that Ryo didn’t yell at him or scold him and he didn’t even seem to be astonished.
“Why are you here?” Jun tried to get away from Ryo’s hand around his arm, but he failed. Ryo’s grip had been tighter than he had thought it would be.
“I feared that you would do something stupid again, and that’s why I followed you.” Ryo was still calm.
“You knew about my problems?” Jun blinked. He had thought that he had hid his scars well, but it seemed that Ryo had found out about them?
Ryo sighed. “Jun, you changed so much, already before we started meeting.”
“And that’s why you left me after a few dates?” Jun didn’t want to sound like a pouting child, but he could feel a terrible pain in his chest in this moment. He had tried to push away every feeling he had because of Ryo leaving him, but it hadn't worked out. He still felt a stinging pain in his chest when he thought about it.
“Jun,” Ryo said slowly. “You pushed me away. You made me leave you.” He supported Jun walking down the corridor till they reached the elevator. That wasn’t true! He didn’t push the other away. He wanted to open up, he wanted to get out of this, but Ryo gave up on him.
“No.” Jun shook his head. He stumbled a little when he felt everything around him get dizzy. He let himself being dragged to the hotel not far away. Just when they entered the room and Ryo placed Jun on the bed, he started speaking again.
“Can you remember the day I decided to go?” Ryo said slowly.
Jun nodded but then he shook his head. “Not really,” he admitted. He could remember that he had told Ryo to leave, but he didn’t remember what exactly had happened.
Ryo kneeled in front of him, his hands on Jun’s legs. “You told me to leave because you wanted to end your life. You did this various times, Jun. You always threatened to do this, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. You told me you’d leave me one day, because you needed to end your life, and you’d do it, no one would be able to change this.” He breathed out. “I loved you, Jun, and I couldn’t watch you suffer like this. I wanted to help you, because you meant everything to me, but at one point I couldn’t anymore. I was about to go insane with this situation. I was about to break down.” Ryo made a pause. “I had been thinking for months about this step. I knew that I didn’t want to lose you, but I wasn’t able to change you either. I hoped that you would change your opinion when I decided to leave you, but it seems this didn’t change anything.” He brushed Jun’s knee. “I watched every step you took during the last months. It was me trying to get you out of this again and again, but you didn’t take any helping hand.”
Jun pressed the towels onto his wounds. He could still feel the pain in him. Everything was still foggy, but his mind was sharpened. Ryo looked miserable and Jun had never seen this before. Had he been looking like this for longer? Had he always looked that desperate and spent? Was this really Jun’s fault? Maybe it would really be the best to disappear then. “Don’t think about doing something stupid, because I won't let you do this.” Ryo seemed to be able to read his mind.
“I am going to get some bandages for you now, and you stay here, and don’t you dare do something stupid,” Ryo warned him.
“Why do you still help me?” Jun asked.
“Is it that so difficult to guess?” Ryo asked. “I still love you.”
Jun heard these words, but they seemed already far away and he slipped into a restless sleep. He thought that he heard Ryo apologizing for giving him sleeping pills, but he wasn’t sure if this really happened or if it was just a dream.
Jun could hear someone walking up and down next to him, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He tried to breath in and out slowly when he realized that he was panicking.
“Jun?” he heard Ryo saying. After someone shook his shoulder he was finally able to open his eyes. He was still in the hotel room. His arm was in a bandage and there was some food on a table next to the bed. Just now Jun realized how hungry he had been. When had he eaten something for the last time? Before their lesson he hadn’t had time to eat, and afterwards he had been so tensed, because he needed to wait till everyone would have left so that he could start hurting himself. Everything was a little dizzy around him.
“Can I eat and drink something?” Jun asked.
Ryo nodded at him and stood up from his chair. He gave Jun a bento box and some juice. Jun wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like sweet drinks, you know that.”
Ryo sat next to him. He looked tired and exhausted. Had he stayed awake while Jun had slept? What was the time? How long did he sleep? “You need to drink something sweet. It will help you feel better.”
Jun took two sips and swallowed the coke. He really didn’t like it, but it made him feel a little better. “How long did I sleep?”
“Six hours,” Ryo said. “I am sorry for giving you the sleeping powder, but you needed some rest, and I was afraid you would run away and do something stupid.”
Jun wanted to scold Ryo, but he couldn’t. He felt fully awake and to his surprise he didn’t feel that bad at all. It was like his body had really longed for the rest. “I guess it’s okay.”
Jun took a few bites from the food Ryo had given him. It didn’t taste that bad at all, but Jun’s bad feeling came back bit by bit and with that his hunger faded. He could feel his hands starting to shiver and he feared he might drop the chopsticks. He tried breathing, but his nervousness didn’t fade till he felt Ryo’s hand around his, holding it tightly. His thumb brushed over Jun’s hand. “Everything is okay.” He smiled at Jun. “There is nothing to worry about at the moment.”
Jun allowed his feelings to overwhelm him for a moment and he totally leaned into the feeling of being save and loved. He leaned his head against Ryo’s shoulder and enjoyed the warmth of someone next to him. “I am a bad person. I put my friends in danger because of my problems, and I am sure they already guess that something is wrong. They will judge me.”
Ryo leaned his head against Jun’s. “No one is judging you, and no one wants something bad for you, Jun. They all want your best and they want to help you.”
“They know?” Jun panicked again till Ryo stroked his head.
“I don’t know, but I think they suspected something.” Ryo looked at him. “You look really bad Jun, your mood changed and no one had ever seen you like this before. They are your friends, of course they know that something is wrong.”
“And they asked you to help me?” Jun wanted to know.
“Yes,” Ryo admitted. “They hoped that you would feel enough for me to let me help you.”
Jun gulped. He still felt a lot for Ryo, but he wasn’t sure if he could open up for a relationship again. “I want to, but I don’t know if I will be able to do so.”
“Can you imagine getting rid of all the dark feelings you carry inside?” Ryo wanted to know.
Jun hadn’t thought about it till now. He was so caught in his dark mood that a way out of it seemed far away, but it sounded good. Maybe he would be able to get back with Ryo and maybe he wouldn’t ruin it this time? But the whole mess he had in his life was almost impossible to get rid of. “I want to.”
“That’s the most important thing,” Ryo said with a smile. “Just when you want to get out of it, you’ll make it.”
Jun nodded. He was weak and he knew it. And he was really deep down in a black hole, but he wanted to get out of it. He wanted to at least try it. He looked at Ryo. His heartbeat increased. He grasped Ryo’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Will you help me?”
Ryo smiled at him. “I would love to see you trusting me.” He bent forward and kissed Jun, shy at first, but his kiss got more eager yet it was still sweet.
Two months later
Jun waited outside the building for Ryo to arrive. He was done with his therapy for this day and they would spend the rest of the day in an onsen not far away.
Jun still felt blue and sad from time to time, but the urgent feeling of hurting himself was almost gone. He had talked with his friends about his problems, and even though he had wished to die while he explained his fears and troubles, he felt incredibly free afterwards.
“Hey,” Ryo said with a smile. Had he always been that cute with his smile and his sparkling eyes, or had Jun just never seen it because of all the fog around him?
“Hey,” Jun replied. He looked around and when he saw that no one was around he kissed the other. He took Ryo’s hand in his and they started walking to the bus station.
“Are you ready for a day of relaxing?” Ryo asked.
“Perfectly ready,” Jun said with a nod. He nibbled on his lower lip. “Thank you, Ryo, for everything. I think I would have been dead without you.”
Ryo smiled at him. “I am so happy that you decided to trust me, Jun.”
Jun felt his belly making some jumps. “I really like you.” He had never said this before, but it felt like the perfect moment now.
“I love you too,” Ryo giggled happily.
This was definitely his way to a normal life.