je_united gift fic for ieja88
Lovely fic for ieja88
Title: Long lost light
Pairing: TakaYama (Takaki Yuya, Yamada Ryosuke) if you squint
Rating: R
Warnings: Self-harm
Summary: Someone is lost. Will he be rescued or is everything lost?
Notes: I hope you like the story <3 It's my first time in this genre...
It was like every other day. He woke up, changed clothes, ate breakfast and made his way to school or to the Jimusho to meet his friends.
“Not really 'friends' more like band mates who don't give a shit about me.” thought the boy with sadness.
Now you would like to know who this boy is, I'm going to tell his life. It's Yamada Ryosuke front singer of Hey!Say!JUMP. He walked through the entrance to the Jimusho and straight to their rehearsal room. As he opened the door the lights went on and blinded him for a moment. Clearly nobody was here yet. Like always.
***
Everyone expected him to always be perfect, to always smile, to always achieve the goals expected of him. Sometimes he really thought he couldn't bear them anymore. He wanted to escape and never return. In moments like those he reached for the blade so he could only feel his physical pain and nothing else. Because of this he had scars on his arms and only wore long sleeved shirts. He didn't want others to worry about him or be disappointed because he wasn't as perfect as they would have liked him to be.
***
He went through some of the necessary dance moves and waited for the others to come.
The first one to arrive wasn't Yabu like usual but Takaki Yuya. Yamada's small crush and till now his only light in his dark and miserable life.
“Morning...” Takaki yawned.
“Yeah... morning” greeted Yamada, trying to sound cheerful but failing miserably.
Lucky the other didn't seem to notice though and they both stretched their limbs in complete silence.
At first Yamada looked over to his band mate and saw how his t-shirt rode a bit up so he could get a small glance at how well trained his stomach was. Then he stretched his limbs too and failed to notice how the other boy looked at him.
While he was stretching one sleeve of his shirt rode up, exposing his scars and a bit of the bandage he tried to do last night when the pain was too much.
The taller was shocked but couldn't say anything before Yabu came in and greeted them.
“Good morning, you two.” said their unofficial leader.
“Morning” answered the two back.
“Why are you so early, Yuya? Normally you wouldn't be in before eight o'clock.” asked Yabu.
“Uhm... I couldn't sleep anymore and I wanted to do some practice on my own.”
With this the conversation was ended and everybody was engrossed in his own thoughts.
“Why does Ryosuke have scars? He wasn't in an accident or involved in a fight which could explain these scars... and what about the bandage? He didn't hurt himself by practicing, did he? Someone should have seen it... then where does it come from? Maybe he hurt himself at home? But then where do the other scars come from? Aaaah! Too many questions at once.” thought Yuya gloomily.
Meanwhile Yabu looked at his two friends and wondered what they did before he walked in. The atmosphere was like a dark night were you couldn't find a light to make it at least a bit brighter.
Little by little the others arrived too, by then Yuya made the decision to confront Yamada about his scars when they were finished for the day. So they began with the rehearsal for the next concert and everything seemed normal as far as Yuya could judge it.
***
It was quite late when they were finished and had changed into street clothes but Takaki made his way to Yamada as soon as he could and asked: “Could we talk?”
Ryosuke, who was surrounded by Daiki and Inoo, looked up and nodded while the others in the room threw them curious glances.
“Alone”
“Um... sure. See you guys later, Dai-chan, Inoo-chan.” said the smaller one and waved his friends goodbye.
As soon as the other two boys were away Takaki took Yamada by his wrist, careful not to touch the area where he knew the bandage was, and dragged him away while snatching their bags.
“Where are we going, Yuya?” Ryosuke wanted to know. He didn't get an answer though.
***
When they arrived, or at least Yamada assumed, they were at Takaki's flat. The elder boy opened his flat and led his friend into the living room.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, thank you. What do you wanna talk about?”
“Uhm...” Now that he was here where nobody could overhear them, he lost his confidence.
After a few failed attempts to start, the smaller nudged his shoulder and said: “You can tell me everything, Yuya. If it's something I could help with I would do it gladly.”
Yuya sighed at the others' words and took a deep breath before he started: “Actually... it's about you...”
“Me?” asked Ryosuke surprised.
“Yeah... or to be more precise about what I saw this morning before the others arrived.” explained the elder.
“What do you mean? What did you see?” the smaller wanted to know, a bit nervous. He fidgeted in his seat and when the taller looked in his eyes he could detect fear.
“Could you roll up your sleeves a bit for me?”
“Why?”
“Because I saw your scars and the badly made bandage. I would like to bandage your wounds better if you let me.”
To say Ryosuke was shocked would be an understatement. He looked like a kicked puppy that knew his life was soon to end. He was always so careful to not let his scars show. Always wearing long sleeves, showering after everyone and slowing down to change. How could he be so neglectful? Now he has to deal with Takaki's worries, as if his own worries weren't enough.
The boy looked everywhere only not in the other's eyes. It seemed like he was going to flee from here and was searching for the best escape route.
When Yuya didn't get an answer after a few minutes in silence he gently took Yamada's hand in his own and said: “You can trust me, Ryosuke. I'm not going to tell everyone about it if you don't want me to. I really want to help you. Please let me help.”
“I appreciate your concern but really, Yuya, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about.” answered Ryosuke with a small smile which didn't quite reach his eyes and so the elder wasn't really convinced.
Faster than Yamada could react Takaki took him by his wrist and pushed his sleeve up to reveal his scars with the badly made bandage.
“Oh, so you're really fine, Ryosuke? And I should believe it when quite the opposite is right? I only want to help you. That's what friends are for.” asked Takaki furious at the start but quickly becoming sombre so that in the end he was sad. Sad that his friend didn't talk to him or to anyone. Sad that Ryosuke must go to such extremes to help himself.
“I-I... I'm sorry.” was the only thing Yamada could say and he hung his head in shame.
“Yuya's right. I'm the worst friend ever. As a lover I would be even worse. Nobody needs me. Why would they? They have other friends who are more successful, cheerful and happy with their life. Nobody like a gloomy friend or a friend who has depression. I'm always a handful, especially with these dark thoughts.” thought the smaller sadly.
“Maybe I should go.” said the younger quietly.
“Why? I'm not letting you go before I at least bandage your wrist right. You needn't tell me why you do what you do but please remember I'm always here for you.”
“Yuya...”
“Please... let me bandage your cuts.” pleaded the elder with so much concern that Ryosuke couldn't say no and because he has a small crush on him.
He sighed. “Okay”
For the smile he got alone, he would have he said yes though he couldn't bring himself to smile back.
Takaki who was still holding his wrist led him into his bathroom where he searched for the first aid kit. After a while he found it and told his friend to sit down.
While Yuya removed the old bandage to put some salve on the newest cuts and bandaged it with a new bandage, they were completely silent. Only when the elder seemed to like what he had done he spoke again.
“I could give you a number of a really great psychologist if you want? Or you can talk with me or any other member now or whenever you feel ready. I'm sure they wouldn't turn their back on you.”
“I'll think about it. Thank you, Yuya. I'll be going then. See you tomorrow at practice.” said Yamada before he went out of the bathroom and out of the apartment. Making a choice he should have made long ago.
***
When he got home he took another shower and went straight in his bedroom where his desk was. Searching for a pencil and paper to write his friends for the last time.
Afterwards he changed into his pyjamas and took the pills that he bought some time ago, but was too scared to use until now.
“At least it wouldn't hurt.” was his last thought before sleep took over.
***
Yuya woke up early thanks to his alarm clock and went right away to their rehearsal room where he expected to see his troubled friend, only to be disappointed due to the fact that said friend wasn't here yet. He really hoped nothing did happen after the smaller left his flat yesterday but as his band mates one by one were getting ready and Ryosuke still wasn't present he got a bad feeling.
“Maybe he has the flu.” said Yuto trying to calm a worried Takaki down who only nodded and hoped it really was only that.
They couldn't really talk about this more since their choreographer choose to arrive then.
When they got a break Takaki nearly stormed out of the room to search for their manager.
He didn't have to search for long and as soon as he could talk he asked: “Did Yamada excuse himself for today?”
“No, not really. I was on my way to ask if one of you heard something from him. Actually we couldn't get hold of him since yesterday.” answered the elder man with worry and confirmed somehow what Takaki had assumed all day.
“Shit!” he cursed. Before he was ready to run all the way to his friends apartment a strong arm held him back by his wrist.
Not needing to look back to know his band mates were the ones holding him back, he struggled with all his might, the grip didn't lose any strength though so he stopped fighting. Only when his friends were sure he wouldn't run away like a mad person they let him go. Right then Yuya couldn't hold his weight anymore and sank to the ground hands going to his face to hide tears which would spill any moment.
“Yuya, what do you know?” demanded Yabu with visible worry.
“Please... we need to get to Ryosuke's apartment as soon as possible...” pleaded Yuya and added in his thoughts: “Before it's too late.”
The members glanced at each other before they nodded and asked for a van where everyone would fit in.
With each passing second Yuya got more miserable. Even though they tried to talk to him they couldn't get an answer out of him. So the drive was filled with tense silence, everyone assuming something different but nothing like imaging what Takaki did.
***
As soon as they were inside the flat Yuya quickly went into the bathroom only to find it totally normal which made him hope, which grew when he approached and saw his friend laying there as though sleeping. Only when he got closer he noticed the box of pills and with it his hope left him. Sleeping pills.
“Ryosuke? Come on, time to wake up. You're late for practice.” whispered Takaki with tears in his eyes.
He shook him by his shoulders but nothing happened.
“RYOSUKE!” he cried.
Nothing happened and he knew he was too late.
The members, who came running to him as they heard him shout, were speechless. Their friend was lying lifeless in Yuya's arms who was crying. Minutes passed before Inoo moved towards the desk on which there was a letter addressed to them.
“Do you want me to read?” he asked the others who only could nod.
“Dear friends,
first of all I want to say sorry that I left you like this and didn't say goodbye but I have the feeling if I had you would try to change my mind even though you couldn't. So I'm sorry I do this to you. Especially you, Yuya.”
Everyone looked at their friend who cried silently. Inoo couldn't read anymore due to his increasing tearing up. Yabu took the letter and continued:
“I couldn't live this life anymore. Everyone expected me to be perfect and were constantly putting more pressure on me so I decided to put an end to this. To this -my- life. Don't think I made this decision on a whim. No, I thought this through and this is my answer.”
Yabu needed a short break and handed the letter to Hikaru.
“I know who has the greatest feeling of guilt. This someone was my light in the never ending darkness which seemed to be my life. Please don't be angry at yourself. I couldn't live with knowing you would be watching me with different eyes now. Knowing my secret not for long however you were trying to save this life. To save me. I'm grateful to you, Takaki Yuya. My love, my light.”
With this ended the letter and everyone stood there in shock and sadness but none could image the grief Yuya was going through.
“You're my light, too, Ryosuke. And you'll always be.” whispered Yuya under his tears.
Title: Long lost light
Pairing: TakaYama (Takaki Yuya, Yamada Ryosuke) if you squint
Rating: R
Warnings: Self-harm
Summary: Someone is lost. Will he be rescued or is everything lost?
Notes: I hope you like the story <3 It's my first time in this genre...
It was like every other day. He woke up, changed clothes, ate breakfast and made his way to school or to the Jimusho to meet his friends.
“Not really 'friends' more like band mates who don't give a shit about me.” thought the boy with sadness.
Now you would like to know who this boy is, I'm going to tell his life. It's Yamada Ryosuke front singer of Hey!Say!JUMP. He walked through the entrance to the Jimusho and straight to their rehearsal room. As he opened the door the lights went on and blinded him for a moment. Clearly nobody was here yet. Like always.
***
Everyone expected him to always be perfect, to always smile, to always achieve the goals expected of him. Sometimes he really thought he couldn't bear them anymore. He wanted to escape and never return. In moments like those he reached for the blade so he could only feel his physical pain and nothing else. Because of this he had scars on his arms and only wore long sleeved shirts. He didn't want others to worry about him or be disappointed because he wasn't as perfect as they would have liked him to be.
***
He went through some of the necessary dance moves and waited for the others to come.
The first one to arrive wasn't Yabu like usual but Takaki Yuya. Yamada's small crush and till now his only light in his dark and miserable life.
“Morning...” Takaki yawned.
“Yeah... morning” greeted Yamada, trying to sound cheerful but failing miserably.
Lucky the other didn't seem to notice though and they both stretched their limbs in complete silence.
At first Yamada looked over to his band mate and saw how his t-shirt rode a bit up so he could get a small glance at how well trained his stomach was. Then he stretched his limbs too and failed to notice how the other boy looked at him.
While he was stretching one sleeve of his shirt rode up, exposing his scars and a bit of the bandage he tried to do last night when the pain was too much.
The taller was shocked but couldn't say anything before Yabu came in and greeted them.
“Good morning, you two.” said their unofficial leader.
“Morning” answered the two back.
“Why are you so early, Yuya? Normally you wouldn't be in before eight o'clock.” asked Yabu.
“Uhm... I couldn't sleep anymore and I wanted to do some practice on my own.”
With this the conversation was ended and everybody was engrossed in his own thoughts.
“Why does Ryosuke have scars? He wasn't in an accident or involved in a fight which could explain these scars... and what about the bandage? He didn't hurt himself by practicing, did he? Someone should have seen it... then where does it come from? Maybe he hurt himself at home? But then where do the other scars come from? Aaaah! Too many questions at once.” thought Yuya gloomily.
Meanwhile Yabu looked at his two friends and wondered what they did before he walked in. The atmosphere was like a dark night were you couldn't find a light to make it at least a bit brighter.
Little by little the others arrived too, by then Yuya made the decision to confront Yamada about his scars when they were finished for the day. So they began with the rehearsal for the next concert and everything seemed normal as far as Yuya could judge it.
***
It was quite late when they were finished and had changed into street clothes but Takaki made his way to Yamada as soon as he could and asked: “Could we talk?”
Ryosuke, who was surrounded by Daiki and Inoo, looked up and nodded while the others in the room threw them curious glances.
“Alone”
“Um... sure. See you guys later, Dai-chan, Inoo-chan.” said the smaller one and waved his friends goodbye.
As soon as the other two boys were away Takaki took Yamada by his wrist, careful not to touch the area where he knew the bandage was, and dragged him away while snatching their bags.
“Where are we going, Yuya?” Ryosuke wanted to know. He didn't get an answer though.
***
When they arrived, or at least Yamada assumed, they were at Takaki's flat. The elder boy opened his flat and led his friend into the living room.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, thank you. What do you wanna talk about?”
“Uhm...” Now that he was here where nobody could overhear them, he lost his confidence.
After a few failed attempts to start, the smaller nudged his shoulder and said: “You can tell me everything, Yuya. If it's something I could help with I would do it gladly.”
Yuya sighed at the others' words and took a deep breath before he started: “Actually... it's about you...”
“Me?” asked Ryosuke surprised.
“Yeah... or to be more precise about what I saw this morning before the others arrived.” explained the elder.
“What do you mean? What did you see?” the smaller wanted to know, a bit nervous. He fidgeted in his seat and when the taller looked in his eyes he could detect fear.
“Could you roll up your sleeves a bit for me?”
“Why?”
“Because I saw your scars and the badly made bandage. I would like to bandage your wounds better if you let me.”
To say Ryosuke was shocked would be an understatement. He looked like a kicked puppy that knew his life was soon to end. He was always so careful to not let his scars show. Always wearing long sleeves, showering after everyone and slowing down to change. How could he be so neglectful? Now he has to deal with Takaki's worries, as if his own worries weren't enough.
The boy looked everywhere only not in the other's eyes. It seemed like he was going to flee from here and was searching for the best escape route.
When Yuya didn't get an answer after a few minutes in silence he gently took Yamada's hand in his own and said: “You can trust me, Ryosuke. I'm not going to tell everyone about it if you don't want me to. I really want to help you. Please let me help.”
“I appreciate your concern but really, Yuya, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about.” answered Ryosuke with a small smile which didn't quite reach his eyes and so the elder wasn't really convinced.
Faster than Yamada could react Takaki took him by his wrist and pushed his sleeve up to reveal his scars with the badly made bandage.
“Oh, so you're really fine, Ryosuke? And I should believe it when quite the opposite is right? I only want to help you. That's what friends are for.” asked Takaki furious at the start but quickly becoming sombre so that in the end he was sad. Sad that his friend didn't talk to him or to anyone. Sad that Ryosuke must go to such extremes to help himself.
“I-I... I'm sorry.” was the only thing Yamada could say and he hung his head in shame.
“Yuya's right. I'm the worst friend ever. As a lover I would be even worse. Nobody needs me. Why would they? They have other friends who are more successful, cheerful and happy with their life. Nobody like a gloomy friend or a friend who has depression. I'm always a handful, especially with these dark thoughts.” thought the smaller sadly.
“Maybe I should go.” said the younger quietly.
“Why? I'm not letting you go before I at least bandage your wrist right. You needn't tell me why you do what you do but please remember I'm always here for you.”
“Yuya...”
“Please... let me bandage your cuts.” pleaded the elder with so much concern that Ryosuke couldn't say no and because he has a small crush on him.
He sighed. “Okay”
For the smile he got alone, he would have he said yes though he couldn't bring himself to smile back.
Takaki who was still holding his wrist led him into his bathroom where he searched for the first aid kit. After a while he found it and told his friend to sit down.
While Yuya removed the old bandage to put some salve on the newest cuts and bandaged it with a new bandage, they were completely silent. Only when the elder seemed to like what he had done he spoke again.
“I could give you a number of a really great psychologist if you want? Or you can talk with me or any other member now or whenever you feel ready. I'm sure they wouldn't turn their back on you.”
“I'll think about it. Thank you, Yuya. I'll be going then. See you tomorrow at practice.” said Yamada before he went out of the bathroom and out of the apartment. Making a choice he should have made long ago.
***
When he got home he took another shower and went straight in his bedroom where his desk was. Searching for a pencil and paper to write his friends for the last time.
Afterwards he changed into his pyjamas and took the pills that he bought some time ago, but was too scared to use until now.
“At least it wouldn't hurt.” was his last thought before sleep took over.
***
Yuya woke up early thanks to his alarm clock and went right away to their rehearsal room where he expected to see his troubled friend, only to be disappointed due to the fact that said friend wasn't here yet. He really hoped nothing did happen after the smaller left his flat yesterday but as his band mates one by one were getting ready and Ryosuke still wasn't present he got a bad feeling.
“Maybe he has the flu.” said Yuto trying to calm a worried Takaki down who only nodded and hoped it really was only that.
They couldn't really talk about this more since their choreographer choose to arrive then.
When they got a break Takaki nearly stormed out of the room to search for their manager.
He didn't have to search for long and as soon as he could talk he asked: “Did Yamada excuse himself for today?”
“No, not really. I was on my way to ask if one of you heard something from him. Actually we couldn't get hold of him since yesterday.” answered the elder man with worry and confirmed somehow what Takaki had assumed all day.
“Shit!” he cursed. Before he was ready to run all the way to his friends apartment a strong arm held him back by his wrist.
Not needing to look back to know his band mates were the ones holding him back, he struggled with all his might, the grip didn't lose any strength though so he stopped fighting. Only when his friends were sure he wouldn't run away like a mad person they let him go. Right then Yuya couldn't hold his weight anymore and sank to the ground hands going to his face to hide tears which would spill any moment.
“Yuya, what do you know?” demanded Yabu with visible worry.
“Please... we need to get to Ryosuke's apartment as soon as possible...” pleaded Yuya and added in his thoughts: “Before it's too late.”
The members glanced at each other before they nodded and asked for a van where everyone would fit in.
With each passing second Yuya got more miserable. Even though they tried to talk to him they couldn't get an answer out of him. So the drive was filled with tense silence, everyone assuming something different but nothing like imaging what Takaki did.
***
As soon as they were inside the flat Yuya quickly went into the bathroom only to find it totally normal which made him hope, which grew when he approached and saw his friend laying there as though sleeping. Only when he got closer he noticed the box of pills and with it his hope left him. Sleeping pills.
“Ryosuke? Come on, time to wake up. You're late for practice.” whispered Takaki with tears in his eyes.
He shook him by his shoulders but nothing happened.
“RYOSUKE!” he cried.
Nothing happened and he knew he was too late.
The members, who came running to him as they heard him shout, were speechless. Their friend was lying lifeless in Yuya's arms who was crying. Minutes passed before Inoo moved towards the desk on which there was a letter addressed to them.
“Do you want me to read?” he asked the others who only could nod.
“Dear friends,
first of all I want to say sorry that I left you like this and didn't say goodbye but I have the feeling if I had you would try to change my mind even though you couldn't. So I'm sorry I do this to you. Especially you, Yuya.”
Everyone looked at their friend who cried silently. Inoo couldn't read anymore due to his increasing tearing up. Yabu took the letter and continued:
“I couldn't live this life anymore. Everyone expected me to be perfect and were constantly putting more pressure on me so I decided to put an end to this. To this -my- life. Don't think I made this decision on a whim. No, I thought this through and this is my answer.”
Yabu needed a short break and handed the letter to Hikaru.
“I know who has the greatest feeling of guilt. This someone was my light in the never ending darkness which seemed to be my life. Please don't be angry at yourself. I couldn't live with knowing you would be watching me with different eyes now. Knowing my secret not for long however you were trying to save this life. To save me. I'm grateful to you, Takaki Yuya. My love, my light.”
With this ended the letter and everyone stood there in shock and sadness but none could image the grief Yuya was going through.
“You're my light, too, Ryosuke. And you'll always be.” whispered Yuya under his tears.