mission report for hurstville
Title: From the Case Files
Groups/Characters: Arashi, Nishikido Ryo and Yamapi
Rating: PG
Warnings: Lack of prose
Summary: Political powerhouse Kuroki Meisa may just have encountered the biggest obstacle in her prime ministerial campaign. Tempest Consultants, Matsumoto Jun's team of fixers, is there to help. This is their case file.
Notes: hurstville, I looked at your prompts and thought really hard and perhaps overthought things a little bit, because this became really demented. ;____; Thanks to y for the beta.
Do You Have A Problem That Needs Fixing?
TEMPEST CONSULTANTS
Putting your PR shitstorms into teacups
Email info@tempest.com
Excerpts from the case file for Case Number KR0001, as compiled by Sakurai Sho and illustrated by Ohno Satoshi
(Rearranged to be read chronologically because who the fuck compiles their case files back to front? - Nishikido) …RYO IT IS COMMON PRACTICE - S.S.
KUROKI MEISA: STILL UNSTOPPABLE?
TOKYO - Political powerhouse Kuroki Meisa may just have encountered the biggest obstacle in her prime ministerial campaign.
Ms Kuroki has been exceeding expectations at the polls and can boast a spotless personal record. But her husband, erstwhile tennis champion Akanishi Jin, may be a potential stumbling block to her career. Since his shocking retirement from professional tennis, Mr Akanishi has been involved in a series of incidents which, while minor, may nonetheless be undermining Ms Kuroki's campaign.
In the most recent of these incidents, Mr Akanishi was photographed being out and about at the trendiest clubs in Tokyo's Roppongi district. He was joined by a number of famous friends including national table tennis player Yamashita Tomohisa, more popularly known as 'YamaPi' (the 'Pi' stands for 'Ping Pong'). This all-night pub crawl continued until the early hours of the morning, when Mr Akanishi was seen getting into an altercation with the police.
Ms Kuroki delivered her campaign speech at Tokyo University the following morning. Mr Akanishi's misdemeanour was not discussed.
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: You owe me a favour
...and I'm calling it in, Sho. I don't want to have to deal with this any longer so I need to know if you can fix it.
M
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
Attachment: Yomiuri Article.pdf
From: SAKURAI Sho
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: MATSUMOTO Jun
Subject: Re: You owe me a favour
Dear Ms Horikita,
Thanks for your email. I have spoken to my partner Matsumoto Jun about this and we will be getting back to you shortly about our proposed plans. I trust you are cognisant of the rates we charge.
Sakurai Sho
Legal Affairs
Tempest Consultants
PS. By 'fix it' you mean the usual deal and not 'kill him', right?
MEETING MINUTES
In attendance: Sho-chan, MatsuJun, me, Ryo-kun
Absent with apologies: Aiba-chan (he is investigating things), Nakamaru (same... or did he quit?), Yoko (investigating with Aiba-chan), Intern Chinen (in Venezuela)
Absent without apologies: Nino. Ohno, Ninomiya is an associate with the law firm next door and he is not supposed to attend our meetings - S.S.
Agenda
Chinen does the agendas. He is now in Venezuela and I didn't make one.
Item 1: Where is Chinen?
braingstorming
hey future self reading this, this is Nishikido RYOOOOOOOO taking notes for a brainstorming sesh we r having RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT it's pretty ace cos Kuroki's people sent us sushi
like I don't normally do this cos we have peons for that but nino took our peon away I hate nino did I meantion? like hes such a JERK hes always laughing in my face and like hanging aroudn being smug UGH why is he even here today
also ohno fell asleep so mj asked me to help
anyway
PROBLEM: what do we do with yamapi so he doesn't keep calling bakanishi and making him go out
SOLUTIONS (and who suggested it):
- tell him to stop (me)
- tell him to stop WITH FORCE (me haha COULD YOU TELL?)
- challenge him to a table tennis match (me)
- send him away for a tournament around the country (matsujun)
- send him away for a tournament overseas (sho)
- murder him (fuck you nino it's AGAINST THE LAW are you an idiot HA HA)
- give him round the world tickets (sho)
- give him cruise tickets (sho)
- put him on a tour (sho)
- send him to space (me)
- replace his best friend bakanishi with a new friend (ohno LOL I THOUGHT HE WAS ASLEEP)
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: Re: You owe me a favour (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
Sho said we should write you a proper proposal report and everything, but I figure what you want is a solid solution in a very short time, so here's our plan in simple terms:
1. MAKE AKANISHI STOP GOING OUT. I understand this may be difficult because he is an idiot. But his public appearances need to be limited to things like taking the baby out for walks and volunteering at soup kitchens - I'm sure your PR team can handle that. The next parts are where we come in.
2. MAKE ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND PHOTOS GO AWAY. Sho will be working with attorneys from Sakamoto and Partners to explore all avenues of legal recourse you might have. My associates and I, in the meantime, will be taking a dynamic and holistic approach towards this problem. We punch above our weight in this respect. If you know what I mean.
3. YAMASHITA. He is at the heart of this Akanishi problem. We propose taking him out of the picture for this period of time, but not in a manner that will affect his public image in any way. We're working on a good solution right now that I will brief you on during our conference call this coming Friday.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
Attachment: invoice.xls
PI IS FOR PING PONG BUT ALSO FOR PARTY - WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE SCOOP!
After losing bestie Akanishi Jin to Kuroki Meisa's political campaign, table tennis star Yamashita Tomohisa has been seen looking bereft at parties …… not!!!
Yamapi - the 'pi' is for piano - was spotted partying with the ladies and with a cool, mysterious stranger who's charming, handsome, and a complete mystery.
Pi's new best friend appears to go by the name of 'Satoshi' and rumour has it that he is a competitive fisherman. A-san, one of the lucky ladies who danced the night away with Pi's entourage, said that the mysterious 'Satoshi' was "a gentleman, and also maybe a foreigner".
SATOPI? YAMATOSHI?
It has been a week of craziness for Yamashita Tomohisa, table tennis star and man about town. Yamapi (the 'pi' is, apparently, for pecan), as many know him, has been making appearances at clubs, parties, afterparties, and after-party snack places for ten days in a row, accompanied by the mysterious 'Satoshi', his new friend and companion.
Satoshi, who is said to be a professional yachter who recently embarked on a marathon journey to Venezuela and back, has been very popular with the ladies. "He doesn't say much," said one woman we spoke to. "He's not very smart," said another. "Neither is Pi."
The two were last seen eating at a family diner. On other news, Yamashita's erstwhile 'best friend' Akanishi Jin recently stepped out with prime ministerial candidate Kuroki Meisa. They had a picture perfect dinner with their baby daughter.
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: by fixing it you meant
BEFRIENDING YAMAPI?
…well, whatever works
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
From: SAKURAI Sho
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: MATSUMOTO Jun
Subject: Re: by fixing it you meant (Our reference no KR0001)
Dear Ms Horikita,
Thanks for your email. You are indeed right. I trust that this development is in alignment with the goals we discussed. Thank you for your time and concern.
Sakurai Sho
Legal Affairs
Tempest Consultants
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: re: by fixing it you meant
Sho, sometimes I read your emails and am not sure whether you are being sarcastic. Then I remember it is you that is writing them.
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
MEMO: REPORT SO FAR
To: Sho-chan, MatsuJun, Ryo-kun
From: Me
Case
Make friends with Yamapi so he doesn't ask Akanishi out
1: Why Was I Assigned this??
Reasons why I shouldn't have been assigned:
2: How it's going
Progress Report by Matsumoto Jun
Above are some first-hand reflections from Ohno on the project so far. And here is an actual, useful update:
I. THE PROGRESS SO FAR
Operation 'Pi's in the Pod' (Apologies for the name, S.S. came up with it - Matsumoto) has been meeting our aim of diverting Yamashita Tomohisa's attention from Akanishi Jin for the duration of K.M.'s campaign. Thus far, we have achieved the following:
1. Accomplished a 32 out of 33 attendance rate for all parties and social events Yamashita is attending
2. Gained Yamashita's confidence and successfully persuaded him that the best way to grant his friend happiness is to leave him alone
3. Assisted K.M.'s PR team in diverting all phone calls made from Yamashita's phone to Akanishi (this was simply done by replacing Akanishi's number in Yamashita's phonebook to prevent drunk dials)
4. Becoming Yamashita's best friend - our associate Ohno Satoshi has successfully achieved that. Please refer to Annex I and II (a sample of the full range of articles detailing their exploits) to get a fuller picture
II. FUTURE PLANS
1. We have considered and reflected upon Ms Kuroki's concerns that this might potentially be ethically problematic
2. Our solution is simple - for our associate Ohno Satoshi to continue being Yamashita's friend for real
3. Yamashita does not necessarily need to find out the truth when the campaign is over?
Ohno and Pi
A work of fan fiction by Ninomiya Kazunari
"Oh! Mysterious Satoshi!" cried Pi, the bronzed and dead-eyed tennis star. He had just come across his newest and dearest friend in the grimy back room of their most favourite club. It was the most sleaziest club and Pi loved it (but not more than he loved Satoshi). It was also the favourite club of Pi's old friend whose name is redacted from this work of fiction.
"Hellooooo Pi," said Mysterious Satoshi, sweeping back his long, 90s-style hair. Everyone swooned.
Pi had been working out a lot and drinking a lot and he had taken to thinking. It was an all-new thing he had been doing. He had also been learning a lot of new words in a bid to expand his vocabulary, because a good writer has mastery over his craft.
You see, Pi had been thinking, and also talking to his own snoopy-type people. For ages he had expected individuals in Charlie Brown cosplay whenever he had a meeting with them, and was always disappointed when they appeared in suits and other regular clothes. But now Yamapi's crew had discovered something Very Interesting - that Mysterious Satoshi was part of a gang of snoopy people as well.
This betrayal had dogged Pi for a total of five minutes, which was the longest something had ever dogged him. As for things he had dodged, well, that is a whole different story.
"Mysterious Satoshi, how much do you like me?" Pi asked.
"So much that I would like to jump your bones and take you sailing," said Mysterious Satoshi.
"BUT YOU'RE FOR FAKES!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" Pi bellowed. "I made you a mix CD and everything."
And then Ryo opened his mouth to talk and everyone died. The end.
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: So there's a bit of a situation (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
As it turns out, friendship is not magic and we've got a bit of a Yamashita situation on our hands. Do not worry - we have this under control. Please be assured that your campaign will in no way be affected.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: So there's a bit of a situation (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
As it turns out, the situation is a little bit more complicated than we expected. But rest assured everything will work out fine.
...or will it?
No, really - jokes aside, it Will be Fine.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
Why do they call them minutes? Is it because they're tiny?
HAY FUTURE ME THIS IS RYOOOOOOOO I'm taking the minutes
today isnot a good day you wanna know why? Cos ohno quit :( he was tired and that is not ace at all. And now we're having a crisis meeting and I gotta take the notes cos we don't have the intern and alos no ohno :/
anyway
1. Ohno quitting situation
Like MJ is super NOT HaPPY right now and I feel like sho might have cried a bit I don't really know. even nino that rat bastard offered to return us our intern so we could feel better but ohno != intern so he was basically just RIBBING IT IN dammit
Then Sho wants to re-hire chinen but he's still in Venezuela so that is a NO GO, SHO. What r you gonna do a bout it and also how dare you think that ohno is replaceable
Ok he is so let's replace him
(Note: I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS let it be on the record cos I'm making the record Oh-chan if you see this in future I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU)
2. Yamashita butthurt situation
idk what the deal is rn but Jun says that at this point honesty is the best we can do. NOT HONESTY TO THE PUBLIC just the people involved, which I think is GREAT
From: ohno satoshi
To: Yamashita Tomohisa
Subject: (no subject)
Dear Pi-man,
This is your friend Satoshi. I hope you still think of me as a friend. Because I still think of you as a best friend. Even though it was for work but we had fun.
Also I have those photos of us and the ladies and the pot, so. We should talk.
O.S.
SATOSHI CHASES PI WHILE BEING CHASED BY MYSTERY MEN
Clubgoers this Friday evening were treated to the curious spectacle of table tennis star Yamashita Tomohisa (better known as Yamapi - the 'pi' is for pie) as he was pursued by his friend and possible lover Satoshi. Satoshi, who appears to only go by one name, is also rumoured to have sold his yacht. Sources say that he has moved permanently back from Venezuela to be with Pi. But Pi appeared to be having none of that on Friday, as his ran through a parking lot with Satoshi chasing after him.
More mysteriously, three other men were also in hot pursuit. We only have blurry photographs of them. Just what has Satoshi done in the past? Clubgoers report that the first man was wild-eyed but well-dressed, like "a businessman with a perm who also probably dances". His associates were similarly good looking and also "really fine, but crazy".
Satoshi and Yamapi were later spotted at another club, partying the night away. Nobody knows what transpired in the time in between, but eyewitness Ninomiya Kazunari stated that the two "seemed really close and really happy, like it was their destiny to be together. Yamapi went through a lot when Akanishi decided to clean up his act. Satoshi was there to help him and now they are Kings of the clubs. But don't quote me on that."
MEETING AGENDA
(All of you had better attend or else - S.S.)
1. Welcome Back, Intern Chinen!
1a. Now You Can Take Our Minutes
2. The Akanishi Situation
2a. Operation 'Pi's in the Pod' Success - Pi Is, As They Say, In The Pod
2a (i). Actually Not Really But Things Are Okay
2b. Ohno's Story
2c. Our Official Apology To Yamashita - Phrasing and Legal Issues
2d. How Can We Do Better In Future
3. Billing/Finance and Security
3a. Should We Really Give Horikita's People A Discount?
3b. Should We Find New Premises?
3c. The Ninomiya Problem
4. Any Other Business
4a. Where Have Aiba and Yoko Gone To?
4b. Did Nakamaru Quit?
4c. Company Trip - Should We Or Should We Not Go To Monbetsu?
Groups/Characters: Arashi, Nishikido Ryo and Yamapi
Rating: PG
Warnings: Lack of prose
Summary: Political powerhouse Kuroki Meisa may just have encountered the biggest obstacle in her prime ministerial campaign. Tempest Consultants, Matsumoto Jun's team of fixers, is there to help. This is their case file.
Notes: hurstville, I looked at your prompts and thought really hard and perhaps overthought things a little bit, because this became really demented. ;____; Thanks to y for the beta.
Do You Have A Problem That Needs Fixing?
TEMPEST CONSULTANTS
Putting your PR shitstorms into teacups
Email info@tempest.com
Excerpts from the case file for Case Number KR0001, as compiled by Sakurai Sho and illustrated by Ohno Satoshi
(Rearranged to be read chronologically because who the fuck compiles their case files back to front? - Nishikido) …RYO IT IS COMMON PRACTICE - S.S.
KUROKI MEISA: STILL UNSTOPPABLE?
TOKYO - Political powerhouse Kuroki Meisa may just have encountered the biggest obstacle in her prime ministerial campaign.
Ms Kuroki has been exceeding expectations at the polls and can boast a spotless personal record. But her husband, erstwhile tennis champion Akanishi Jin, may be a potential stumbling block to her career. Since his shocking retirement from professional tennis, Mr Akanishi has been involved in a series of incidents which, while minor, may nonetheless be undermining Ms Kuroki's campaign.
In the most recent of these incidents, Mr Akanishi was photographed being out and about at the trendiest clubs in Tokyo's Roppongi district. He was joined by a number of famous friends including national table tennis player Yamashita Tomohisa, more popularly known as 'YamaPi' (the 'Pi' stands for 'Ping Pong'). This all-night pub crawl continued until the early hours of the morning, when Mr Akanishi was seen getting into an altercation with the police.
Ms Kuroki delivered her campaign speech at Tokyo University the following morning. Mr Akanishi's misdemeanour was not discussed.
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: You owe me a favour
...and I'm calling it in, Sho. I don't want to have to deal with this any longer so I need to know if you can fix it.
M
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
Attachment: Yomiuri Article.pdf
From: SAKURAI Sho
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: MATSUMOTO Jun
Subject: Re: You owe me a favour
Dear Ms Horikita,
Thanks for your email. I have spoken to my partner Matsumoto Jun about this and we will be getting back to you shortly about our proposed plans. I trust you are cognisant of the rates we charge.
Sakurai Sho
Legal Affairs
Tempest Consultants
PS. By 'fix it' you mean the usual deal and not 'kill him', right?
MEETING MINUTES
In attendance: Sho-chan, MatsuJun, me, Ryo-kun
Absent with apologies: Aiba-chan (he is investigating things), Nakamaru (same... or did he quit?), Yoko (investigating with Aiba-chan), Intern Chinen (in Venezuela)
Absent without apologies: Nino. Ohno, Ninomiya is an associate with the law firm next door and he is not supposed to attend our meetings - S.S.
Agenda
Chinen does the agendas. He is now in Venezuela and I didn't make one.
Item 1: Where is Chinen?
- Chinen's internship ended three weeks ago
- We were meant to have another intern but Nino stole him Our new intern Nakajima has found employment in the firm of Sakamoto and Partners - S.S.
- Ryo says Nino is a little bastard I cannot disagree.
- Sho's friend got us a gig
- We need to solve the Akanishi problem
- Sho said 'we can't kill him' and then laughed a lot like it was funny
- MatsuJun talked a lot and I fell asleep so I'm not gouing to type it
braingstorming
hey future self reading this, this is Nishikido RYOOOOOOOO taking notes for a brainstorming sesh we r having RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT it's pretty ace cos Kuroki's people sent us sushi
like I don't normally do this cos we have peons for that but nino took our peon away I hate nino did I meantion? like hes such a JERK hes always laughing in my face and like hanging aroudn being smug UGH why is he even here today
also ohno fell asleep so mj asked me to help
anyway
PROBLEM: what do we do with yamapi so he doesn't keep calling bakanishi and making him go out
SOLUTIONS (and who suggested it):
- tell him to stop (me)
- tell him to stop WITH FORCE (me haha COULD YOU TELL?)
- challenge him to a table tennis match (me)
- send him away for a tournament around the country (matsujun)
- send him away for a tournament overseas (sho)
- murder him (fuck you nino it's AGAINST THE LAW are you an idiot HA HA)
- give him round the world tickets (sho)
- give him cruise tickets (sho)
- put him on a tour (sho)
- send him to space (me)
- replace his best friend bakanishi with a new friend (ohno LOL I THOUGHT HE WAS ASLEEP)
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: Re: You owe me a favour (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
Sho said we should write you a proper proposal report and everything, but I figure what you want is a solid solution in a very short time, so here's our plan in simple terms:
1. MAKE AKANISHI STOP GOING OUT. I understand this may be difficult because he is an idiot. But his public appearances need to be limited to things like taking the baby out for walks and volunteering at soup kitchens - I'm sure your PR team can handle that. The next parts are where we come in.
2. MAKE ALL THE NEWS STORIES AND PHOTOS GO AWAY. Sho will be working with attorneys from Sakamoto and Partners to explore all avenues of legal recourse you might have. My associates and I, in the meantime, will be taking a dynamic and holistic approach towards this problem. We punch above our weight in this respect. If you know what I mean.
3. YAMASHITA. He is at the heart of this Akanishi problem. We propose taking him out of the picture for this period of time, but not in a manner that will affect his public image in any way. We're working on a good solution right now that I will brief you on during our conference call this coming Friday.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
Attachment: invoice.xls
PI IS FOR PING PONG BUT ALSO FOR PARTY - WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE SCOOP!
After losing bestie Akanishi Jin to Kuroki Meisa's political campaign, table tennis star Yamashita Tomohisa has been seen looking bereft at parties …… not!!!
Yamapi - the 'pi' is for piano - was spotted partying with the ladies and with a cool, mysterious stranger who's charming, handsome, and a complete mystery.
Pi's new best friend appears to go by the name of 'Satoshi' and rumour has it that he is a competitive fisherman. A-san, one of the lucky ladies who danced the night away with Pi's entourage, said that the mysterious 'Satoshi' was "a gentleman, and also maybe a foreigner".
SATOPI? YAMATOSHI?
It has been a week of craziness for Yamashita Tomohisa, table tennis star and man about town. Yamapi (the 'pi' is, apparently, for pecan), as many know him, has been making appearances at clubs, parties, afterparties, and after-party snack places for ten days in a row, accompanied by the mysterious 'Satoshi', his new friend and companion.
Satoshi, who is said to be a professional yachter who recently embarked on a marathon journey to Venezuela and back, has been very popular with the ladies. "He doesn't say much," said one woman we spoke to. "He's not very smart," said another. "Neither is Pi."
The two were last seen eating at a family diner. On other news, Yamashita's erstwhile 'best friend' Akanishi Jin recently stepped out with prime ministerial candidate Kuroki Meisa. They had a picture perfect dinner with their baby daughter.
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: by fixing it you meant
BEFRIENDING YAMAPI?
…well, whatever works
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
From: SAKURAI Sho
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: MATSUMOTO Jun
Subject: Re: by fixing it you meant (Our reference no KR0001)
Dear Ms Horikita,
Thanks for your email. You are indeed right. I trust that this development is in alignment with the goals we discussed. Thank you for your time and concern.
Sakurai Sho
Legal Affairs
Tempest Consultants
From: HORIKITA Maki
To: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: re: by fixing it you meant
Sho, sometimes I read your emails and am not sure whether you are being sarcastic. Then I remember it is you that is writing them.
Horikita Maki
Campaign Manager
Kuroki Meisa wants to be YOUR choice!!
MEMO: REPORT SO FAR
To: Sho-chan, MatsuJun, Ryo-kun
From: Me
Case
Make friends with Yamapi so he doesn't ask Akanishi out
1: Why Was I Assigned this??
Reasons why I shouldn't have been assigned:
- Normally I am in charge of the tech
- Ryo likes parties better
- I take the minutes now that Chinen is in Venezuela
- Because Ryo is scared of talking to women and Yamapi talks to lots of women
- Ryo likes parties better
- because I suggested the idea and Sho wants me to follow through
2: How it's going
- It's going okay
Progress Report by Matsumoto Jun
Above are some first-hand reflections from Ohno on the project so far. And here is an actual, useful update:
I. THE PROGRESS SO FAR
Operation 'Pi's in the Pod' (Apologies for the name, S.S. came up with it - Matsumoto) has been meeting our aim of diverting Yamashita Tomohisa's attention from Akanishi Jin for the duration of K.M.'s campaign. Thus far, we have achieved the following:
1. Accomplished a 32 out of 33 attendance rate for all parties and social events Yamashita is attending
2. Gained Yamashita's confidence and successfully persuaded him that the best way to grant his friend happiness is to leave him alone
3. Assisted K.M.'s PR team in diverting all phone calls made from Yamashita's phone to Akanishi (this was simply done by replacing Akanishi's number in Yamashita's phonebook to prevent drunk dials)
4. Becoming Yamashita's best friend - our associate Ohno Satoshi has successfully achieved that. Please refer to Annex I and II (a sample of the full range of articles detailing their exploits) to get a fuller picture
II. FUTURE PLANS
1. We have considered and reflected upon Ms Kuroki's concerns that this might potentially be ethically problematic
2. Our solution is simple - for our associate Ohno Satoshi to continue being Yamashita's friend for real
3. Yamashita does not necessarily need to find out the truth when the campaign is over?
Ohno and Pi
A work of fan fiction by Ninomiya Kazunari
"Oh! Mysterious Satoshi!" cried Pi, the bronzed and dead-eyed tennis star. He had just come across his newest and dearest friend in the grimy back room of their most favourite club. It was the most sleaziest club and Pi loved it (but not more than he loved Satoshi). It was also the favourite club of Pi's old friend whose name is redacted from this work of fiction.
"Hellooooo Pi," said Mysterious Satoshi, sweeping back his long, 90s-style hair. Everyone swooned.
Pi had been working out a lot and drinking a lot and he had taken to thinking. It was an all-new thing he had been doing. He had also been learning a lot of new words in a bid to expand his vocabulary, because a good writer has mastery over his craft.
You see, Pi had been thinking, and also talking to his own snoopy-type people. For ages he had expected individuals in Charlie Brown cosplay whenever he had a meeting with them, and was always disappointed when they appeared in suits and other regular clothes. But now Yamapi's crew had discovered something Very Interesting - that Mysterious Satoshi was part of a gang of snoopy people as well.
This betrayal had dogged Pi for a total of five minutes, which was the longest something had ever dogged him. As for things he had dodged, well, that is a whole different story.
"Mysterious Satoshi, how much do you like me?" Pi asked.
"So much that I would like to jump your bones and take you sailing," said Mysterious Satoshi.
"BUT YOU'RE FOR FAKES!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" Pi bellowed. "I made you a mix CD and everything."
And then Ryo opened his mouth to talk and everyone died. The end.
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: So there's a bit of a situation (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
As it turns out, friendship is not magic and we've got a bit of a Yamashita situation on our hands. Do not worry - we have this under control. Please be assured that your campaign will in no way be affected.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
From: MATSUMOTO Jun
To: HORIKITA Maki
CC: SAKURAI Sho
Subject: So there's a bit of a situation (Our reference no: KR0001)
Hi Maki,
As it turns out, the situation is a little bit more complicated than we expected. But rest assured everything will work out fine.
...or will it?
No, really - jokes aside, it Will be Fine.
Best,
Jun
Director
Tempest Consultants
Why do they call them minutes? Is it because they're tiny?
HAY FUTURE ME THIS IS RYOOOOOOOO I'm taking the minutes
today isnot a good day you wanna know why? Cos ohno quit :( he was tired and that is not ace at all. And now we're having a crisis meeting and I gotta take the notes cos we don't have the intern and alos no ohno :/
anyway
1. Ohno quitting situation
Like MJ is super NOT HaPPY right now and I feel like sho might have cried a bit I don't really know. even nino that rat bastard offered to return us our intern so we could feel better but ohno != intern so he was basically just RIBBING IT IN dammit
Then Sho wants to re-hire chinen but he's still in Venezuela so that is a NO GO, SHO. What r you gonna do a bout it and also how dare you think that ohno is replaceable
Ok he is so let's replace him
(Note: I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS let it be on the record cos I'm making the record Oh-chan if you see this in future I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU)
2. Yamashita butthurt situation
idk what the deal is rn but Jun says that at this point honesty is the best we can do. NOT HONESTY TO THE PUBLIC just the people involved, which I think is GREAT
From: ohno satoshi
To: Yamashita Tomohisa
Subject: (no subject)
Dear Pi-man,
This is your friend Satoshi. I hope you still think of me as a friend. Because I still think of you as a best friend. Even though it was for work but we had fun.
Also I have those photos of us and the ladies and the pot, so. We should talk.
O.S.
SATOSHI CHASES PI WHILE BEING CHASED BY MYSTERY MEN
Clubgoers this Friday evening were treated to the curious spectacle of table tennis star Yamashita Tomohisa (better known as Yamapi - the 'pi' is for pie) as he was pursued by his friend and possible lover Satoshi. Satoshi, who appears to only go by one name, is also rumoured to have sold his yacht. Sources say that he has moved permanently back from Venezuela to be with Pi. But Pi appeared to be having none of that on Friday, as his ran through a parking lot with Satoshi chasing after him.
More mysteriously, three other men were also in hot pursuit. We only have blurry photographs of them. Just what has Satoshi done in the past? Clubgoers report that the first man was wild-eyed but well-dressed, like "a businessman with a perm who also probably dances". His associates were similarly good looking and also "really fine, but crazy".
Satoshi and Yamapi were later spotted at another club, partying the night away. Nobody knows what transpired in the time in between, but eyewitness Ninomiya Kazunari stated that the two "seemed really close and really happy, like it was their destiny to be together. Yamapi went through a lot when Akanishi decided to clean up his act. Satoshi was there to help him and now they are Kings of the clubs. But don't quote me on that."
MEETING AGENDA
(All of you had better attend or else - S.S.)
1. Welcome Back, Intern Chinen!
1a. Now You Can Take Our Minutes
2. The Akanishi Situation
2a. Operation 'Pi's in the Pod' Success - Pi Is, As They Say, In The Pod
2a (i). Actually Not Really But Things Are Okay
2b. Ohno's Story
2c. Our Official Apology To Yamashita - Phrasing and Legal Issues
2d. How Can We Do Better In Future
3. Billing/Finance and Security
3a. Should We Really Give Horikita's People A Discount?
3b. Should We Find New Premises?
3c. The Ninomiya Problem
4. Any Other Business
4a. Where Have Aiba and Yoko Gone To?
4b. Did Nakamaru Quit?
4c. Company Trip - Should We Or Should We Not Go To Monbetsu?