mission report for kamja
Title: Villains Anonymous (or, How Nino Got a New Super Villain Posse)
Groups/Pairings: Nino, Tegoshi, Kimura, Takki; Sho, Jun; vague allusions to Sho/Jun
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mild language
Summary: When he's caught, Nino is ordered into a 12-step reformation program that does not go as he suspects the court hoped.
Notes: Thanks to my idea-bouncer, hand-holder, and beta R. ♥ For kamja, I do hope you enjoy!
0.
Nino's head smacked into the car frame as he was roughly pushed through the door. It wasn't even just his forehead that was smarting, but his entire body was trembling with the assault on his dignity, which actually was worse than the physical pain.
"You can't prove anything!" he yelled, but it lacked a lot of force when his hands were handcuffed behind his back. "This is a grievous abuse of power! I demand representation!"
"You'll get nothing, Dr. Iniquity," said Captain Fabulous, nasal and smug-sounding. "Do you know why?"
"Gross oversights in judicial procedures?" Nino asked, as one of the officers nearly shut the door on his foot. He tried pushing himself sideways using only the muscles in his legs, and almost toppled over in the backseat. The door was slammed, but the window was open, and he could still see Captain Fabulous' irritatingly handsome face, half-hidden behind his shimmering gold mask. Tacky.
Captain Fabulous just smiled again, hands on his hips. "Because evil doesn't get to enjoy the same things that those of us who can actually follow the rules do. You are the scum of this city, Dr. Iniquity, nothing more."
"You take that back," Nino seethed. The squad car began to move, rumbling beneath his seat, and he was furious - furious that he'd been caught, furious that he'd been caught by Captain Fabulous of all people, because the man could barely even work a simple ray gun. "You take that back! I'm the heart and soul of this city!"
"No," Captain Fabulous told him through the open window. "Just a pest in need of extermination."
He had the audacity to pat the top of the car a few times as it pulled away, condescending, and Nino pulled at the handcuffs keeping his hands behind his back because he wanted so badly to wipe that self-assured look right off the superhero's face.
"I am the reason you even have a job! I represent all the people that you've personally stepped on, building up a gilded tower for yourself in the nicest part of the city! I'm-!"
1.
"I'm Ninomiya, and I'm a no-good, villainous evil-doer," Nino said, trying to repress the sigh that he was only barely holding in. He had expected some sort of affirmation from the crowd of people he was speaking in front of, but he didn't get much - just a few nods, and one particularly enthusiastic guy in the corner gave him a thumbs-up.
Nino just went and sat down, crossing his arms over his chest, deciding that he was officially done paying attention to this crap. Not a minute later, he was hauled roughly out of his seat as the group of on-lookers broke up into smaller groups.
"C'mon," said the man holding Nino's arm, as he guided him over to a group of three others who all looked pretty bored and who had already moved their chairs into a half-hearted circle. "Everyone in the program is assigned a small group."
"I already have a parole officer," Nino grumbled, thinking of Officer Sakurai, who seemed to permanently have some sort of stick shoved up his rear end.
"This is different," the man - whose nametag read T A I C H I - told him.
Nino allowed himself to be moved until he smacked into one of the other chairs halfway across the room. "Aren't I supposed to get some sort of sponsor?"
"Not enough people have made it through the program," Taichi said. He unceremoniously dumped Nino in the only empty chair in the oblong configuration of chairs - really, was it that hard to make a circle with four chairs? "Here's your new group member."
None of the other three bothered to greet him, but as Taichi walked away, no doubt to check up on another group, the youngest looking member who was identified by T E G O S H I leaned over and asked, "What'd you get busted for?"
"Plutonium raid," Nino sighed. "You?"
"Jewelry heist."
"Nice." Nino nodded his head towards a good-looking man maybe ten years older than himself. "And you guys? Very evil deeds? Countdown reaching 1 second, maybe?"
The man said nothing, but by the way he was staring, Nino knew he was listening to everything.
"That's Kimura," Tegoshi introduced, and then, gesturing towards the last member, added, "and Takki."
"I thought the point of this was to be anonymous?" Nino wondered out loud.
Tegoshi shrugged. "Not really anonymous when you were court-ordered to be here by our city's wonderful defender, are you?"
"God, I hate that guy," Nino mumbled, and tried to sink lower into his chair.
"Well, we're all here to make sure we get through these steps," Takki said. "And then we can go back to living amongst the goodie-two-shoes without constant surveillance."
"Are you kidding yourself?" Nino asked him. He straightened a bit, annoyed; surely someone in this group was a villain worth their salt, right? "If you think Captain Fabulous is ever going to let you out of his sight again, you are-"
"That's dependent on him initially having you in his sights," Kimura said, finally offering something. He still looked pretty annoyed, though, and hadn't moved from his position. He lazily picked up a spec of invisible dust from his slacks and released it into the air.
Nino glared across the "circle" space. "What d'you mean?"
"Do you see the masked crusader here?"
"He put us here," Tegoshi snorted. "I'm pretty sure he knows who we are."
"But once we enter the police jurisdiction, we leave his sight," Kimura snapped back.
Nino was hoping to see some kind of showdown, but Takki interrupted. "Can we just get through this meeting, please? I've got a swing set being delivered in a half hour, and I have to be there to sign for it."
"You got kids?" Nino asked the man.
Takki just stared at him blankly. "No."
"O-kay," Nino said. "Well, what's step one?"
"Admitting you are a terrible human being who deserves to be punished," Tegoshi told him.
"Whatever," Nino said, waving a hand in the air. "Let's just call it done."
As they stood up and began moving back their chairs, Tegoshi leaned in and said, "Just make sure you look super remorseful as we leave so the officers think we're on the path to redemption."
2.
The next week, Nino was assigned to go with the group because Takki was on step eight, and that required him to apologize to all the people he had wronged. So far, they'd been to a middle school, a bible camp, and a water aerobics class, and Nino was starting to get a little concerned about the path they were taking.
"Do they check this shit to see if it gets done?" he asked Tegoshi, as they stood awkwardly with Kimura outside the women's changing room. "Because if not..."
"Your parole officer has to check off everything," Tegoshi told him. "You are required to give him the paperwork."
Nino glares at the sign on the women's locker room door. "I don't think I can pull a fast one on mine, he seems the type to not have much else going in his life but paperwork."
Suddenly, Kimura made a noise of anger, and both Nino and Tegoshi looked over to find the man glaring at the television mounted up in the corner of the hallway. It was the local news channel, showing Captain Fabulous receiving an award from the mayor for "cleaning up the town".
"I hate that guy," Nino sighed. Then he turned back to the door. "Seriously, how long is this supposed to take? What is he doing in there?"
"There were triplets involved," Kimura added, vaguely.
"I so don't even want to know," Nino said, and stared moodily at the TV for the rest of their time in the YMCA.
3.
Step three was some philosophical bullshit about higher powers and believing in them, and the only higher power that Nino ever believed in was Murphy, the god of Murphy's Law, and even that was only because some crap you just seriously cannot escape from. Still, he had to check off step three on his paperwork for Officer Sakurai, who had grilled Nino for two hours over the phone the night before because "it had sounded like Nino was thinking about leaving the city limits."
Tegoshi proposed that they meet at a fine local eating establishment and go over the latest news instead.
"But what I'm saying is that it's possible," he said, with his hands slung over the table and his elbows propped up on the bible that Taichi had made them bring for their step three meeting that day. "It is possible to steal that freeze ray from the museum, and if you just get the combinations to the security locks, you can get in without worrying about the motion sensor rays."
"I thought the security pass codes changed at the end of every day," Nino mused.
Tegoshi sorted of waved his hand in the air. "They do," he conceded, "but they can't be that hard to get. It's in human hands, which means that there is always a possibility for fuck-ups."
"Or extortion," Kimura added.
"Or blackmail," Takki offered.
Nino looked sideways at Tegoshi. "Do you know who has the codes? Because this is all pretty useless pondering otherwise."
"What kind of amateur do you think I am?" Tegoshi scoffed, affronted.
"I don't know," Nino replied, "you did get caught. What else is on your villain repertoire so far?"
"I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."
"Dated," Nino said, "but I'll give you a point for the quick reference there."
Takki grumbled a bit under his breath and tapped his foot against the shiny linoleum of the diner. "Can we get on with it?"
"Go another swing set delivery to get to?" Nino asked, annoyed.
"Birthday party at Chuck-e-Cheese," Takki replied. He got up and left, throwing a few bills on the counter to square off his portion of the bill, and Nino watched him go for a long moment before turning to Tegoshi again.
"What exactly did he get in trouble for?" he asked.
"Kidnapping."
There was a very long period of silence. Abruptly, Kimura stood up and announced, "I'll go pay the bill," as he pulled his wallet out of his designer jeans and then wandered over to the counter.
After a few seconds, Nino frowned at the scene across the diner. "Did I just see a toe in his wallet?" he asked Tegoshi, without moving his gaze.
"That was definitely a pinky," was the response.
"Huh," Nino said, and took a long sip of his coffee. "So, donuts?"
4.
Step four was beyond aggravating; step four was an exhaustive list of all of the "defects" in Nino's core character that caused him to turn to a life of crime rather than being an upstanding citizen like everyone else. Halfway through the fourth page he realized that he'd started writing things like "Captain Fabulous' stupid frizzy hair" and "the fact that every time I try to go and buy my favorite Slushee flavor at the gas station it's already sold out", and he would have to scrap the whole thing.
That was when Officer Sakurai called, right on time, to check that Nino was actually in his house and not off doing nefarious villain things.
"I need your help with my list of issues regarding my moral character," Nino said, in lieu of a greeting, because he knew Sakurai was the only person calling him at 8:00 on the dot. "What problems would you say that I possess that acts as a hindrance to normalcy within society?"
"Your biting sarcasm might be one of them," Sakurai said, slowly, as if unsure how to proceed.
"I'm being serious here," Nino told him. "I need help - you're the one who has to check this thing in the long run, so it would behoove you to help me out."
There was an extended period of silence, and then, "I suppose your vocabulary is fine."
"I've already written down my mother's rampant game show addiction and the fact that my landlord charges me an extra $20 if I pay my rent by check. Can you think of anything else?"
"Exactly how many things are you writing down here?" Sakurai asked, sounding infinitely weary.
Nino consulted with the numbered list. "I'm on 219."
"I don't get paid enough for this," Sakurai sort of mumbled-sighed into the phone. He kept talking, possibly to himself about his inadequate life choices, but Nino had stopped listening by that point - he straightened up, inspiration striking, sans bolt of lightning, since it was a balmy spring day outside.
"Listen, I gotta go," Nino said into the phone, cutting off whatever diatribe Sakurai was going off into.
"Wait, what?" the other man asked. "You aren't supposed to be leaving, it's 8:00 at night! Leaving would be a violation of your parole, and I can't just-"
"I'm not leaving," Nino told him, "but I have things to do. Go get laid or something."
He hung up on the sputtering officer and then grabbed a new sheet of paper, scribbling out the rough outline of a plan.
5.
He called together a meeting with his small group the next weekend.
Theoretically, Nino was supposed to be doing some volunteer work to show that he acknowledged his own personal failings that had led him to a life of depravity, but he decided that giving a bum in the park a dollar was pretty close to the same thing. Anyway, they needed the bum to move off the bench so that they could hold a strategic session away from prying eyes.
"I'm saying we bribe him," Nino started, and then, clarifying, "the guy who has the codes to the museum. Because in the end, it all comes down to money."
"Of course it does," Tegoshi agreed.
Takki kicked at a pigeon loitering near his feet. "But where are we going to get all this money? I don't see you cashing in on any great stock investments."
"I have some money," Kimura said, suddenly, and the other three turned to look at him in surprise. Nino, with less, because he'd seen that double platinum credit card, and he knew the minimum investment limit on that.
"From where, exactly?" Tegoshi asked.
Kimura shrugged. "Life insurance policies."
"That's another of those things I don't think I want to know about," Nino said, but tilted his head to one side and studied the man - and his obscurity, which was really quite a good idea for a villain - for a few moments. "And you're willing to lend it to us why?"
"I like your cynicism," Kimura told him, with an appreciative nod. "I want to see this through to the end."
"Still not an answer," Tegoshi said.
To that, they got a rich laugh, and Kimura smoothed back bits of wayward hair. "This city could really do with being thrown on its axle. I think I'd like to see you lot do it."
"Good enough for me," Nino replied. "How much do you think it'll take?"
Tegoshi tugged out a folder from his bag, brimming with papers and nearly overflowing, several of the sheets with corners bent back from being shoved in his satchel for so long. "Here's all the information I had about the guard prior to my arrest by Captain Fabulous. He's young, and unmarried, so he's probably lonely, and I think we could work this, because it seems he's got a bit of a shopping addiction."
Nino grabbed for a few of the free-floating pages, let loose when Tegoshi opened the folder.
"What's his name?" Nino asked.
"Matsumoto Jun," Tegoshi answered.
Looking at the paper in his hands - complete with a grainy, black and white scan of Matsumoto's security card from the museum's HR file - he frowned. "Matsumoto Jun," he mused, mostly to himself. "Why do I feel like I've met you before?"
6.
"He accepted the offer," Tegoshi said, without a greeting, as he breezed in through the Starbucks door and slammed his weight down in the chair across Nino's table. "He'll meet us there tonight, at 11 PM, to give us the new access codes."
"Why couldn't he just send you the access codes?" Nino asked. That was strange; access codes weren't like assault rifles. They didn't need to be handed off through physical means - an email would do just fine.
Tegoshi's eyebrows rose as he grinned. "That's what I wanted to know. Why should he insist on being there? And what's with the timed meeting? I wouldn't think he'd want to be anywhere near the museum the night we were planning to rob it."
Nino opened up the man's files again. He'd been glancing over them a bit, trying to find the weakness, and maybe, just maybe, he was figuring something out.
He held up the scan of Matsumoto's photograph. "Does he look familiar to you at all?"
"Maybe like someone who once served me a Big Mac," Tegoshi answered, unfazed. "Why?"
Nino stared down at the photo like it was hiding something, something on the tip of his tongue, the corner of his mind - something he just couldn't reach. "Why would he want to be there?"
"He might tip off the authorities," Tegoshi said. "He did accept the offer very quickly. I hadn't even gotten to our second, higher number."
"So something is amiss."
Tegoshi leaned back, draping his arm over the chair back. "Well, he's definitely got something up his sleeve, anyway. What should we do?"
"Tell Takki he's twelve and send him in first?" Nino offered.
The other man let out a bark of a laugh. "If only that would work."
"But a decoy might," Nino thought aloud. He drummed his fingers across the stack of papers, feeling it echo down through the table and against his legs.
"We send someone in to 'give him the bribe money', and then have another team as back-up?" Tegoshi suggested. "Or just shoot the bastard once we've gotten the next code, I don't really care."
"Even then, that's just adding a trail," Nino said. They needed something better - something more concrete. He raised his gaze once more. "If we got in there, could you get the codes yourself? Is there a way to do that?"
"Sure," Tegoshi said, "but we have to get past the guards in the first place, so I never much looked into it."
"Matsumoto works night shifts?"
Tegoshi tapped the files. "C'mon, you know he doesn't, it says so right here. Gets off at 7 PM sharp, every night. The rest of the guards rotate the night shift, but he never has it."
"Sounds a little fishy," Nino said.
There was a long period of silence, and Nino finished off his cappuccino.
"You said he was lonely?" he asked.
"Seems to be," Tegoshi replied.
"Then I think I have an idea, but I'll need some change for a pay phone."
Tegoshi dug out a handful of coins from his pocket, handing them over. "What for?"
"An anonymous tip call to my parole officer."
7.
The bushes were poking Nino in the ass, and he was pretty uncomfortable with it.
"Move over," he said to Takki, and shoved the man for added emphasis. "This hide-out isn't big enough for both of us."
Takki grumbled, but didn't say anything. They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Nino saw Kimura's lazy hand motion that signaled that it was clear - then he pushed open the exhaust cover and climbed in through the compact air duct. It was definitely a tight fit, and he was glad that he'd never been one for Whoppers, because it already took a fair amount of time to get himself angled right and making his way through the metal. It groaned and trembled beneath his weight, but it didn't give out, and eventually he dropped down into the boiler room.
Takki followed a few minutes behind him.
"Go open the side fire escape for Tegoshi," Nino instructed, "and I'll start phase two."
"Aye, aye, captain," the other man replied with a sarcastic salute.
Nino made his way through to the break room, which was conveniently empty. Then he grabbed a fork, set it in the microwave, and turned the timer on 10 minutes. By the time he was leaving the door, there were already sparks flying out of the back of the appliance, scorching the white wall behind it. He waited poised behind the janitor's cart and waited.
It took a few minutes, but everyone working in the museum offices went running. The shouts of alarm were the best part - Nino doubted that they'd ever seen a microwave do that before. He crept around the back and then opened the 'Authorized Personnel Door' to get Tegoshi in from the Weapons of World War II exhibit (which was connected to the hallway with the fire escape).
"I hope the fire alarm doesn't go off and draw the fire department too fast," Tegoshi said, frowning.
"Quit bitching and get your damn codes," Nino replied pleasantly, as they made their way into the security room, which was empty. The security cameras wired in created a network of television screens showing nearly every part of the museum - including Kimura looking extremely interested at some replicas of old battle tanks. The man was a good actor.
Tegoshi sat down at the computer and typed furiously for a good minute before pronouncing himself done.
"That's it?" Nino asked. "No firewall? No encrypted passkey to enter?"
"It was in a file labeled 'PASSCODES'," Tegoshi replied, sounding disgusted at the whole thing.
"Amateurs," Nino sighed.
Tegoshi smacked him on the back and pointed to one of the television screens as he stood. "You did good work there."
Nino leaned in, squinting, to make out the picture of Officer Sakurai and guard Matsumoto looking quite chummy near the reception desk and gift shop.
"Huh," he said, in summation. "So I did."
"Let's go," Tegoshi commanded.
8.
"You told him that we were changing the date to next week?" Nino asked.
"Yes," Tegoshi replied. "It's all set - we set up the meeting time for 11 PM next Wednesday and then confirmed it. He shouldn't expect us until then."
"And you're sure he believes we need those codes?"
"I might have let on that we were beyond excited to get our hands on that battle tank, just to throw him off our trail."
"Now what?" Takki asked.
"Now, we wait," Nino said, "and in six days, we go in and get the freeze ray ourselves."
9.
Nino patted the top of the freeze ray, resisting the urge to coo. It was a thing of beauty.
"Well, what do we do now that we have that thing?" Takki wanted to know, clicking through some disturbing MySpace profiles. "I hope this wasn't all a bust."
"Now, we take out Captain Fabulous," Nino told him.
"Who was, suspiciously enough, sighted at the museum last night," Tegoshi said.
Kimura snorted. "Imagine that. Wasn't last night the night of our fake meet up with Matsumoto?"
"I knew that guy looked familiar!" Nino crowed. "Ah, two birds with one stone. I do so love it when things come together like this."
Takki reached for the freeze ray, and Nino moved so his grubby little hands couldn't leave fingerprints all over the titanium surface. "Aren't you supposed to be completing your next step?" he asked, annoyed when Nino wouldn't hand over the weapon.
"Yes, here I go. I'm sorry I'm such an evil person. But I'm not sorry that we're about to eliminate Captain Fabulous. I have very evil things to get to."
"Very remorseful," Tegoshi commented.
"Whatever," Nino said. "Let's just go and wreck some mayhem with this baby. I wanna see what it can really do."
Groups/Pairings: Nino, Tegoshi, Kimura, Takki; Sho, Jun; vague allusions to Sho/Jun
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mild language
Summary: When he's caught, Nino is ordered into a 12-step reformation program that does not go as he suspects the court hoped.
Notes: Thanks to my idea-bouncer, hand-holder, and beta R. ♥ For kamja, I do hope you enjoy!
0.
Nino's head smacked into the car frame as he was roughly pushed through the door. It wasn't even just his forehead that was smarting, but his entire body was trembling with the assault on his dignity, which actually was worse than the physical pain.
"You can't prove anything!" he yelled, but it lacked a lot of force when his hands were handcuffed behind his back. "This is a grievous abuse of power! I demand representation!"
"You'll get nothing, Dr. Iniquity," said Captain Fabulous, nasal and smug-sounding. "Do you know why?"
"Gross oversights in judicial procedures?" Nino asked, as one of the officers nearly shut the door on his foot. He tried pushing himself sideways using only the muscles in his legs, and almost toppled over in the backseat. The door was slammed, but the window was open, and he could still see Captain Fabulous' irritatingly handsome face, half-hidden behind his shimmering gold mask. Tacky.
Captain Fabulous just smiled again, hands on his hips. "Because evil doesn't get to enjoy the same things that those of us who can actually follow the rules do. You are the scum of this city, Dr. Iniquity, nothing more."
"You take that back," Nino seethed. The squad car began to move, rumbling beneath his seat, and he was furious - furious that he'd been caught, furious that he'd been caught by Captain Fabulous of all people, because the man could barely even work a simple ray gun. "You take that back! I'm the heart and soul of this city!"
"No," Captain Fabulous told him through the open window. "Just a pest in need of extermination."
He had the audacity to pat the top of the car a few times as it pulled away, condescending, and Nino pulled at the handcuffs keeping his hands behind his back because he wanted so badly to wipe that self-assured look right off the superhero's face.
"I am the reason you even have a job! I represent all the people that you've personally stepped on, building up a gilded tower for yourself in the nicest part of the city! I'm-!"
1.
"I'm Ninomiya, and I'm a no-good, villainous evil-doer," Nino said, trying to repress the sigh that he was only barely holding in. He had expected some sort of affirmation from the crowd of people he was speaking in front of, but he didn't get much - just a few nods, and one particularly enthusiastic guy in the corner gave him a thumbs-up.
Nino just went and sat down, crossing his arms over his chest, deciding that he was officially done paying attention to this crap. Not a minute later, he was hauled roughly out of his seat as the group of on-lookers broke up into smaller groups.
"C'mon," said the man holding Nino's arm, as he guided him over to a group of three others who all looked pretty bored and who had already moved their chairs into a half-hearted circle. "Everyone in the program is assigned a small group."
"I already have a parole officer," Nino grumbled, thinking of Officer Sakurai, who seemed to permanently have some sort of stick shoved up his rear end.
"This is different," the man - whose nametag read T A I C H I - told him.
Nino allowed himself to be moved until he smacked into one of the other chairs halfway across the room. "Aren't I supposed to get some sort of sponsor?"
"Not enough people have made it through the program," Taichi said. He unceremoniously dumped Nino in the only empty chair in the oblong configuration of chairs - really, was it that hard to make a circle with four chairs? "Here's your new group member."
None of the other three bothered to greet him, but as Taichi walked away, no doubt to check up on another group, the youngest looking member who was identified by T E G O S H I leaned over and asked, "What'd you get busted for?"
"Plutonium raid," Nino sighed. "You?"
"Jewelry heist."
"Nice." Nino nodded his head towards a good-looking man maybe ten years older than himself. "And you guys? Very evil deeds? Countdown reaching 1 second, maybe?"
The man said nothing, but by the way he was staring, Nino knew he was listening to everything.
"That's Kimura," Tegoshi introduced, and then, gesturing towards the last member, added, "and Takki."
"I thought the point of this was to be anonymous?" Nino wondered out loud.
Tegoshi shrugged. "Not really anonymous when you were court-ordered to be here by our city's wonderful defender, are you?"
"God, I hate that guy," Nino mumbled, and tried to sink lower into his chair.
"Well, we're all here to make sure we get through these steps," Takki said. "And then we can go back to living amongst the goodie-two-shoes without constant surveillance."
"Are you kidding yourself?" Nino asked him. He straightened a bit, annoyed; surely someone in this group was a villain worth their salt, right? "If you think Captain Fabulous is ever going to let you out of his sight again, you are-"
"That's dependent on him initially having you in his sights," Kimura said, finally offering something. He still looked pretty annoyed, though, and hadn't moved from his position. He lazily picked up a spec of invisible dust from his slacks and released it into the air.
Nino glared across the "circle" space. "What d'you mean?"
"Do you see the masked crusader here?"
"He put us here," Tegoshi snorted. "I'm pretty sure he knows who we are."
"But once we enter the police jurisdiction, we leave his sight," Kimura snapped back.
Nino was hoping to see some kind of showdown, but Takki interrupted. "Can we just get through this meeting, please? I've got a swing set being delivered in a half hour, and I have to be there to sign for it."
"You got kids?" Nino asked the man.
Takki just stared at him blankly. "No."
"O-kay," Nino said. "Well, what's step one?"
"Admitting you are a terrible human being who deserves to be punished," Tegoshi told him.
"Whatever," Nino said, waving a hand in the air. "Let's just call it done."
As they stood up and began moving back their chairs, Tegoshi leaned in and said, "Just make sure you look super remorseful as we leave so the officers think we're on the path to redemption."
2.
The next week, Nino was assigned to go with the group because Takki was on step eight, and that required him to apologize to all the people he had wronged. So far, they'd been to a middle school, a bible camp, and a water aerobics class, and Nino was starting to get a little concerned about the path they were taking.
"Do they check this shit to see if it gets done?" he asked Tegoshi, as they stood awkwardly with Kimura outside the women's changing room. "Because if not..."
"Your parole officer has to check off everything," Tegoshi told him. "You are required to give him the paperwork."
Nino glares at the sign on the women's locker room door. "I don't think I can pull a fast one on mine, he seems the type to not have much else going in his life but paperwork."
Suddenly, Kimura made a noise of anger, and both Nino and Tegoshi looked over to find the man glaring at the television mounted up in the corner of the hallway. It was the local news channel, showing Captain Fabulous receiving an award from the mayor for "cleaning up the town".
"I hate that guy," Nino sighed. Then he turned back to the door. "Seriously, how long is this supposed to take? What is he doing in there?"
"There were triplets involved," Kimura added, vaguely.
"I so don't even want to know," Nino said, and stared moodily at the TV for the rest of their time in the YMCA.
3.
Step three was some philosophical bullshit about higher powers and believing in them, and the only higher power that Nino ever believed in was Murphy, the god of Murphy's Law, and even that was only because some crap you just seriously cannot escape from. Still, he had to check off step three on his paperwork for Officer Sakurai, who had grilled Nino for two hours over the phone the night before because "it had sounded like Nino was thinking about leaving the city limits."
Tegoshi proposed that they meet at a fine local eating establishment and go over the latest news instead.
"But what I'm saying is that it's possible," he said, with his hands slung over the table and his elbows propped up on the bible that Taichi had made them bring for their step three meeting that day. "It is possible to steal that freeze ray from the museum, and if you just get the combinations to the security locks, you can get in without worrying about the motion sensor rays."
"I thought the security pass codes changed at the end of every day," Nino mused.
Tegoshi sorted of waved his hand in the air. "They do," he conceded, "but they can't be that hard to get. It's in human hands, which means that there is always a possibility for fuck-ups."
"Or extortion," Kimura added.
"Or blackmail," Takki offered.
Nino looked sideways at Tegoshi. "Do you know who has the codes? Because this is all pretty useless pondering otherwise."
"What kind of amateur do you think I am?" Tegoshi scoffed, affronted.
"I don't know," Nino replied, "you did get caught. What else is on your villain repertoire so far?"
"I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."
"Dated," Nino said, "but I'll give you a point for the quick reference there."
Takki grumbled a bit under his breath and tapped his foot against the shiny linoleum of the diner. "Can we get on with it?"
"Go another swing set delivery to get to?" Nino asked, annoyed.
"Birthday party at Chuck-e-Cheese," Takki replied. He got up and left, throwing a few bills on the counter to square off his portion of the bill, and Nino watched him go for a long moment before turning to Tegoshi again.
"What exactly did he get in trouble for?" he asked.
"Kidnapping."
There was a very long period of silence. Abruptly, Kimura stood up and announced, "I'll go pay the bill," as he pulled his wallet out of his designer jeans and then wandered over to the counter.
After a few seconds, Nino frowned at the scene across the diner. "Did I just see a toe in his wallet?" he asked Tegoshi, without moving his gaze.
"That was definitely a pinky," was the response.
"Huh," Nino said, and took a long sip of his coffee. "So, donuts?"
4.
Step four was beyond aggravating; step four was an exhaustive list of all of the "defects" in Nino's core character that caused him to turn to a life of crime rather than being an upstanding citizen like everyone else. Halfway through the fourth page he realized that he'd started writing things like "Captain Fabulous' stupid frizzy hair" and "the fact that every time I try to go and buy my favorite Slushee flavor at the gas station it's already sold out", and he would have to scrap the whole thing.
That was when Officer Sakurai called, right on time, to check that Nino was actually in his house and not off doing nefarious villain things.
"I need your help with my list of issues regarding my moral character," Nino said, in lieu of a greeting, because he knew Sakurai was the only person calling him at 8:00 on the dot. "What problems would you say that I possess that acts as a hindrance to normalcy within society?"
"Your biting sarcasm might be one of them," Sakurai said, slowly, as if unsure how to proceed.
"I'm being serious here," Nino told him. "I need help - you're the one who has to check this thing in the long run, so it would behoove you to help me out."
There was an extended period of silence, and then, "I suppose your vocabulary is fine."
"I've already written down my mother's rampant game show addiction and the fact that my landlord charges me an extra $20 if I pay my rent by check. Can you think of anything else?"
"Exactly how many things are you writing down here?" Sakurai asked, sounding infinitely weary.
Nino consulted with the numbered list. "I'm on 219."
"I don't get paid enough for this," Sakurai sort of mumbled-sighed into the phone. He kept talking, possibly to himself about his inadequate life choices, but Nino had stopped listening by that point - he straightened up, inspiration striking, sans bolt of lightning, since it was a balmy spring day outside.
"Listen, I gotta go," Nino said into the phone, cutting off whatever diatribe Sakurai was going off into.
"Wait, what?" the other man asked. "You aren't supposed to be leaving, it's 8:00 at night! Leaving would be a violation of your parole, and I can't just-"
"I'm not leaving," Nino told him, "but I have things to do. Go get laid or something."
He hung up on the sputtering officer and then grabbed a new sheet of paper, scribbling out the rough outline of a plan.
5.
He called together a meeting with his small group the next weekend.
Theoretically, Nino was supposed to be doing some volunteer work to show that he acknowledged his own personal failings that had led him to a life of depravity, but he decided that giving a bum in the park a dollar was pretty close to the same thing. Anyway, they needed the bum to move off the bench so that they could hold a strategic session away from prying eyes.
"I'm saying we bribe him," Nino started, and then, clarifying, "the guy who has the codes to the museum. Because in the end, it all comes down to money."
"Of course it does," Tegoshi agreed.
Takki kicked at a pigeon loitering near his feet. "But where are we going to get all this money? I don't see you cashing in on any great stock investments."
"I have some money," Kimura said, suddenly, and the other three turned to look at him in surprise. Nino, with less, because he'd seen that double platinum credit card, and he knew the minimum investment limit on that.
"From where, exactly?" Tegoshi asked.
Kimura shrugged. "Life insurance policies."
"That's another of those things I don't think I want to know about," Nino said, but tilted his head to one side and studied the man - and his obscurity, which was really quite a good idea for a villain - for a few moments. "And you're willing to lend it to us why?"
"I like your cynicism," Kimura told him, with an appreciative nod. "I want to see this through to the end."
"Still not an answer," Tegoshi said.
To that, they got a rich laugh, and Kimura smoothed back bits of wayward hair. "This city could really do with being thrown on its axle. I think I'd like to see you lot do it."
"Good enough for me," Nino replied. "How much do you think it'll take?"
Tegoshi tugged out a folder from his bag, brimming with papers and nearly overflowing, several of the sheets with corners bent back from being shoved in his satchel for so long. "Here's all the information I had about the guard prior to my arrest by Captain Fabulous. He's young, and unmarried, so he's probably lonely, and I think we could work this, because it seems he's got a bit of a shopping addiction."
Nino grabbed for a few of the free-floating pages, let loose when Tegoshi opened the folder.
"What's his name?" Nino asked.
"Matsumoto Jun," Tegoshi answered.
Looking at the paper in his hands - complete with a grainy, black and white scan of Matsumoto's security card from the museum's HR file - he frowned. "Matsumoto Jun," he mused, mostly to himself. "Why do I feel like I've met you before?"
6.
"He accepted the offer," Tegoshi said, without a greeting, as he breezed in through the Starbucks door and slammed his weight down in the chair across Nino's table. "He'll meet us there tonight, at 11 PM, to give us the new access codes."
"Why couldn't he just send you the access codes?" Nino asked. That was strange; access codes weren't like assault rifles. They didn't need to be handed off through physical means - an email would do just fine.
Tegoshi's eyebrows rose as he grinned. "That's what I wanted to know. Why should he insist on being there? And what's with the timed meeting? I wouldn't think he'd want to be anywhere near the museum the night we were planning to rob it."
Nino opened up the man's files again. He'd been glancing over them a bit, trying to find the weakness, and maybe, just maybe, he was figuring something out.
He held up the scan of Matsumoto's photograph. "Does he look familiar to you at all?"
"Maybe like someone who once served me a Big Mac," Tegoshi answered, unfazed. "Why?"
Nino stared down at the photo like it was hiding something, something on the tip of his tongue, the corner of his mind - something he just couldn't reach. "Why would he want to be there?"
"He might tip off the authorities," Tegoshi said. "He did accept the offer very quickly. I hadn't even gotten to our second, higher number."
"So something is amiss."
Tegoshi leaned back, draping his arm over the chair back. "Well, he's definitely got something up his sleeve, anyway. What should we do?"
"Tell Takki he's twelve and send him in first?" Nino offered.
The other man let out a bark of a laugh. "If only that would work."
"But a decoy might," Nino thought aloud. He drummed his fingers across the stack of papers, feeling it echo down through the table and against his legs.
"We send someone in to 'give him the bribe money', and then have another team as back-up?" Tegoshi suggested. "Or just shoot the bastard once we've gotten the next code, I don't really care."
"Even then, that's just adding a trail," Nino said. They needed something better - something more concrete. He raised his gaze once more. "If we got in there, could you get the codes yourself? Is there a way to do that?"
"Sure," Tegoshi said, "but we have to get past the guards in the first place, so I never much looked into it."
"Matsumoto works night shifts?"
Tegoshi tapped the files. "C'mon, you know he doesn't, it says so right here. Gets off at 7 PM sharp, every night. The rest of the guards rotate the night shift, but he never has it."
"Sounds a little fishy," Nino said.
There was a long period of silence, and Nino finished off his cappuccino.
"You said he was lonely?" he asked.
"Seems to be," Tegoshi replied.
"Then I think I have an idea, but I'll need some change for a pay phone."
Tegoshi dug out a handful of coins from his pocket, handing them over. "What for?"
"An anonymous tip call to my parole officer."
7.
The bushes were poking Nino in the ass, and he was pretty uncomfortable with it.
"Move over," he said to Takki, and shoved the man for added emphasis. "This hide-out isn't big enough for both of us."
Takki grumbled, but didn't say anything. They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Nino saw Kimura's lazy hand motion that signaled that it was clear - then he pushed open the exhaust cover and climbed in through the compact air duct. It was definitely a tight fit, and he was glad that he'd never been one for Whoppers, because it already took a fair amount of time to get himself angled right and making his way through the metal. It groaned and trembled beneath his weight, but it didn't give out, and eventually he dropped down into the boiler room.
Takki followed a few minutes behind him.
"Go open the side fire escape for Tegoshi," Nino instructed, "and I'll start phase two."
"Aye, aye, captain," the other man replied with a sarcastic salute.
Nino made his way through to the break room, which was conveniently empty. Then he grabbed a fork, set it in the microwave, and turned the timer on 10 minutes. By the time he was leaving the door, there were already sparks flying out of the back of the appliance, scorching the white wall behind it. He waited poised behind the janitor's cart and waited.
It took a few minutes, but everyone working in the museum offices went running. The shouts of alarm were the best part - Nino doubted that they'd ever seen a microwave do that before. He crept around the back and then opened the 'Authorized Personnel Door' to get Tegoshi in from the Weapons of World War II exhibit (which was connected to the hallway with the fire escape).
"I hope the fire alarm doesn't go off and draw the fire department too fast," Tegoshi said, frowning.
"Quit bitching and get your damn codes," Nino replied pleasantly, as they made their way into the security room, which was empty. The security cameras wired in created a network of television screens showing nearly every part of the museum - including Kimura looking extremely interested at some replicas of old battle tanks. The man was a good actor.
Tegoshi sat down at the computer and typed furiously for a good minute before pronouncing himself done.
"That's it?" Nino asked. "No firewall? No encrypted passkey to enter?"
"It was in a file labeled 'PASSCODES'," Tegoshi replied, sounding disgusted at the whole thing.
"Amateurs," Nino sighed.
Tegoshi smacked him on the back and pointed to one of the television screens as he stood. "You did good work there."
Nino leaned in, squinting, to make out the picture of Officer Sakurai and guard Matsumoto looking quite chummy near the reception desk and gift shop.
"Huh," he said, in summation. "So I did."
"Let's go," Tegoshi commanded.
8.
"You told him that we were changing the date to next week?" Nino asked.
"Yes," Tegoshi replied. "It's all set - we set up the meeting time for 11 PM next Wednesday and then confirmed it. He shouldn't expect us until then."
"And you're sure he believes we need those codes?"
"I might have let on that we were beyond excited to get our hands on that battle tank, just to throw him off our trail."
"Now what?" Takki asked.
"Now, we wait," Nino said, "and in six days, we go in and get the freeze ray ourselves."
9.
Nino patted the top of the freeze ray, resisting the urge to coo. It was a thing of beauty.
"Well, what do we do now that we have that thing?" Takki wanted to know, clicking through some disturbing MySpace profiles. "I hope this wasn't all a bust."
"Now, we take out Captain Fabulous," Nino told him.
"Who was, suspiciously enough, sighted at the museum last night," Tegoshi said.
Kimura snorted. "Imagine that. Wasn't last night the night of our fake meet up with Matsumoto?"
"I knew that guy looked familiar!" Nino crowed. "Ah, two birds with one stone. I do so love it when things come together like this."
Takki reached for the freeze ray, and Nino moved so his grubby little hands couldn't leave fingerprints all over the titanium surface. "Aren't you supposed to be completing your next step?" he asked, annoyed when Nino wouldn't hand over the weapon.
"Yes, here I go. I'm sorry I'm such an evil person. But I'm not sorry that we're about to eliminate Captain Fabulous. I have very evil things to get to."
"Very remorseful," Tegoshi commented.
"Whatever," Nino said. "Let's just go and wreck some mayhem with this baby. I wanna see what it can really do."