13. i'm really kind of perturbed yet intrigued by the way paradise circus calls everyone a hero and emphasizes on treating everyone well when in the end it's all to one end and that end kind of undercuts everything they say they want to give their guests.
14. i can't even begin to imagine ohno having been here for almost a decade. it's pretty unfathomable to me.
15. "What the hell was that?" the guy asked him, seeming unashamed of his fright. i like how you put this and i like how it's very aiba. and oh man, the next paragraph.
16. "They sound it when all the guests are in their rooms. They'll sound it again just after midnight. When all the guests are...well..."
Aiba's face turned pale.
"You get used to it," Ohno explained calmly, even as his heart raced. You never got used to it.
i can't even. the delivery is brilliant and i don't know if i can take this. of course, i secretly love the mindfuck, but all i can think is oh crap, ohno ):
17. oh oh oh nino and jun live together. okay. i have feelings about this just waiting to burst into the sunlight
18. but you are making these feelings burst out, gdi. oh no the dynamic is already perfect just how i like them oh nooooo. i don't know why but i feel lots of trepidation and oh crap ok i can't say anything constructive here.
19. "I'm trying to avoid a fight here," Nino said, shutting the faucet off. perfect line. then again, many of them are.
20. Nino was the only disorder he allowed himself, and even after two years it still drove him crazy. i'm sorry, i just have to quote this. i am not sure if any other jun/nino will live up to this after reading this because you write them like a shot to the heart, in the best way possible.
21. "As long as everyone who has to die at midnight dies, who cares?" Ohno had said, and Aiba was glad he was drunk enough to let the man's remark roll off him. oh man.
22. So Ohno explained that some ended it early with a razor or pills they'd smuggled in with them. yeah actually i was just wondering about this. but seeing it spelt out - that's different. mostly i'm just going, oh crap, oh man, oh no.
23. Ten years without the possibility of them ending up in one of the rooms on the floors above him, frightened and terribly, horribly alone at the very end. okay this line made me tear up for real i think this will go on to make me sob.
24. They'd gotten strong carrying body bags. now this is a macabre and pretty devastating realization.
25. If they felt grateful for what he'd done, signing up for Paradise Circus, they'd never said so aloud. It didn't really need to be said. this - and all that led up to it - is terribly well put.
26. After almost ten years, he still had no idea. i think i probably have some idea. i'm not certain and i don't know how to put it, but i think so.
27. After fifty years? Of course they don't care. They probably laugh themselves silly knowing we're still offering up lives to them. suddenly the 'for freedom' comments make a lot more sense but also this section is so significant and kind of devastating.
28. They'd hit the jackpot, hadn't they? They hated everything Paradise Circus stood for. They'd worked tirelessly for years to find a way to crack the system, to find a way in the gates. And now one of their members was living with someone who worked on the inside. oh shit, this makes so much horrible sense
29. He denounced Paradise in daylight and fucked someone who enforced it by night. holy crap your lines ;_;
NEXT PART. at this point……i'm not reading fast enough because i want to take it slow but crap i have to leave the house soon. OK one more part anyway.
30. ok i'm actually very interested by this japan/china thing. reminds me of my half-assed essays from school on japan-china relations. except this is definitely not half-assed, of course. yeah my point was that i really like how you've gotten politics/international relations/real historical detail into the picture, and are actually addressing how this whole paradise circus scheme has anything to do with freedom.
31. Sho was many things, but he wasn't dumb enough to label the direct line to the Director-General with "Dad - Work." OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY.
32. It was always hard for Sho to reconcile the fact that Sakurai Shun, the father who'd given him everything, was the same as Sakurai Shun, the man in the government, one among many who desperately wanted Paradise Circus to continue without interference. still reeling. conflict of interest if i ever saw one, and boy do i like conflicts of interest.
33. Jun had never met someone who was so wrong and yet so perfect for the job as Ohno Satoshi. yeah this was pretty much my thought in 26.
34. He wouldn't want to be alone, but he wouldn't want jolly people trying to convince him that he needed to have fun before they gassed him. this makes a lot of sense. also, i know you've started saying it for some time, but every time it's mentioned directly it's still pretty upsetting.
35. Given the option of being anywhere else or working this assignment, Jun would pick his assignment every time. But it didn't necessarily mean he liked it. omg i find myself really uselessly saying yessss this makes so much sense, but really, you put it so well. i love how you establish that it's simply the less intolerable of two difficult choices - there are no illusions about this life and this choice.
36. oh god, nino's family. i feel like should have seen this coming but i didn't. (IS IT REALLY RANDOM THEN.) i love how you're able to give the relationship between jun and nino real depth despite the really macabre context which could easily give rise to a generally fatalistic , glossed over attitude. at this point i'm no longer reading this as a fic, i'm reading it as a novel, and are you sure you shouldn't be off somewhere writing bestselling novels?? unless you already are? but seriously. this is my favourite kind of novel and it's like my own personal battle royale, omg ;_; OVERSTATING AGAIN EXCUSE ME PLEASE
37. Jun could tell he was new because his eyes were red and full of tears as he helped Ohno lift a teenage girl off of the hotel room bed and into the body bag on the floor. i like the fact that you humanize the people on the ground, the ones who are actually carrying out the operations. (well, not releasing the gas, but making things run smoothly.) it's a pretty stark contrast from battle royale and it actually makes the situation seem even more helpless? because everything seems civilized and humane but there's a very subtle undertone of coercion going on. also, arashi here are really really well-placed and you are either naturally a genius or you geniusly planned this out or both. i love how they start out with varying degrees of familiarity and in some sections they don't even overlap (like, sho hasn't had interaction with any of arashi) but the story still feels very much them. i really appreciate this.
38. as he heard Aiba obviously trying to cover up his sobs by turning on the sink. oh, aiba, no. D: like, you know aiba would take it this way and you're torn between him being himself but taking this horribly, or just being much colder and desensitized and not having to be this affected by his surroundings.
39. Every day Jun encouraged the guests to write them, knowing they would never reach their final destination. i was just wondering about this. He could feel tiny pricks of tears forming in the corner of his eyes at the sight of poor Aiba, so new to this and with ten full years left of it to endure. no, nooooo. there should be a warning for aiba sadness alone. and jun being affected by this - it actually speaks volumes more about the entire situation. i also like the fact that ohno, who seemed so indifferent on the surface at the beginning, is calling aiba 'aiba-chan' and seems to be… taking care of him, for lack of a better way to say it.
40. If he didn't shape up, he'd get dismissed. now that i have some idea of the stakes this makes me really apprehensive.
41. Don't you say a word, Ohno's eyes told him. Not one fucking word. it should be literary-ly impossible for you to end each section with such a punch, and physically impossible for me to take it each time and fall more in love with your storytelling.
42. He'd done this to save her, and she resented him for it. again, THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. normally when a published author writes like that i have no way to say this to them but please know how much i appreciate and enjoy your style. about the statement itself… i'm not sure what to say. it's difficult to react to other than how devastating it just feels to realize it.
43. all Aiba could think was six years, six years, six years. Surely that would be enough time to get stronger. oh god. this is such a daunting thought, but the spirit of it is really quite tiny by comparison - the idea of one step at the time, the general progression, the desire to be numbed to routine loss of life. it's difficult to explain, but.
44. "You're the way we should all be, you know," this is awful because it's so true yet doesn't do aiba a single ounce of good.
45. WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, NINO, NO i can't
46. ok if i weren't in public now i would just be sobbing. but since i am i will soldier on and when it is over i will reread it at home and sob for real and for as long as i like.
NEXT PART.
47. It'll be you, Kitagawa- san, and one cameraman. i actually feel terrible for her, spending her last day this way. no one needs to do that, and no one should.
48. That's why I didn't want you to follow me. That's why I got you where you are. I didn't want you to be hated. I wanted them to trust you." this is terrible. this kind of trust, i don't know. it undercuts the meaning of the word itself.
49. It had been a long time since the job had made Ohno cry. Then again, it had been a long time since there'd been a sui- cide attempt right in front of him. oh crap. i think the whole incident says a lot about dying with dignity, or dying on your own terms. it never gets overblown which makes it even more powerful.
50. who had stood on the Midway and watched as someone unbuckled their seatbelt when the jet coaster reached the top of the lift hill. holy shit. you don't spare a single word, do you? it's all there and it's all important and i'm hanging off every line and holding onto every emotion. i feel like this story is going to fling me off again at least once or twice, like it already has with the last jun/nino scene.
51. representing those who would have been lost anyway had we provoked the Soviets and Chinese into attacking. this is really… perverse, and oh man the degree of thought you've put into this. i will never look at alternate history aus the same way again. and i'll never take history as we know it for granted, either.
52. It was ideal for people who didn't want to leave their families hanging or for those who were completely alone. Nino thought he was kind of a combination of both. i think i do see this middle ground in all of them, to some degree, probably because of the context they live in. it seems pretty awkward and makes it all the more painful, really.
53. He and Jun were named jointly on their apartment lease, on an emergency credit card. shit. ;_; it's these details.
54. i'm a little desperate with sadness and apprehension at this entire situation right now, i mean i don't think nino's doing either of them much good by wiping jun's existence clean of him, but telling him. rock and a hard place, really.
55. Said the collections agent to the dead man. repeat 41.
56. this talk of pat downs. do you know me ;_______; whatever it is, let me love you, okay??
57. "You're not allowed to fall asleep with your hand there." lovely line, especially stark - the whole scene is - against the story. i like that there is some redemption, that this time the sex isn't… well, i can't exactly find a word for it, but like the one jun and nino had. this achieves a very subtle balance and i'm grateful for it.
NEXT PART
58. "Because it was the right thing to do." i can't really say much about this part, except that every single section is making me cry now and it was perfect, the way sho pushed his limits, the way you humanized keiko, and the way sho responded simply because he's human, too.
59. The first time to release the sleeping gas, the second to release the poison. Nobody knew which switch was the one to release the deadly gas. It was to help with the guilt, the government man had said. oh, oh. what a detail. what a way.
60. oh fuck, no
61. But now Nino would be here, on these grounds, and Jun realized for the first time that Paradise Circus was wrong. just the lines, because i can't say anything, sobbing
62. But then again, what was a little treason when the person you loved the most was in danger?
63. okay. i sobbed through the entire part with jun. i don't know.
64. "My name's Ohno," the man said quietly. "Ohno Satoshi. Tell me what I can do to help you today." oh. no other words.
65. Sho had never been a fan of rides or anything with heights, but Keiko had wanted to ride. It was his duty to ride with her. ha, oh. this was oddly touching for its relatable detail.
66. maybe a bullet straight to the head would have been preferable. definitely what i've been thinking
67. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "Sho-san, I feel as though I've seen all there is to see." i suddenly just feel so bad for her. i mean, i hate that sho and yasu have to see this, too, and return to some semblance of normalcy afterwards, but it's easy to forget that for her, it really is the end. and that's awful, it really is. nino said earlier something about them having to pretend to be on holiday, but for her i think the burden of pretense is amplified several fold.
68. "Shut up," Matsumoto said, his hand dangerously moving to the gun at his side. "You don't know anything about me." okay, whoa. it's a horrible day for the both of them.
69. A lover?" - shit.
70. "You aren't going to die." hoooo shit my brain is going into overdrive
71. Just...please kill me if it's your job to kill me. Don't bring Jun into it." no, that's terrible, the thought alone
72. "Because I've called you Nino this whole day. How else would I know to call you that?" oh my god oh my god
73. "I can't," the cameraman had said. "Not after the things I've seen." so it's actually a crazy, what the hell chance, but it makes so much sense and it touches me how everyone is strong enough to go with that sense, that humanity.
74. Tanaka was always trying to flirt with Corporal Ishihara outside of the control room. Even a day like to- day wouldn't stop him. oh, man
75. But eighteen year old Matsumoto Jun hadn't met Ninomiya Kazunari. He couldn't understand. ;_;
76. If things had gone as planned, Nino was on the other side of the door. your pacing is perfect i'm holding my breath gdi this is doing me in
77. "You don't belong in that room," Jun said. "You belong with me."
78. If you stick your neck out for someone, stick it out for Ohno-san. He watched me play Mario for about six hours and didn't say a fucking word. That's someone Japan can't lose. Or that Aiba. He was telling me he just got a girlfriend, how worried he was if your stupid plan didn't work out and they tried to go after her for knowing him. In the grand scheme of things, I'm just the guy you live with. You can find someone new, alright? Be smart. You're the smartest person I know, so don't do this."
79. Even now his fingers were tapping against the fabric of his jeans, as though he was replay- ing every song he'd ever liked in his head in case things went wrong. i really like yasu here. as supporting as his role is there's a stoic quality about him that makes him a perfect fit, the best they could have asked for.
80. Even as Jun could feel him trembling, his voice gave no sign of fear. I CAN'T STAND THIS
81. This program was set up to fail, and we were too cowardly to do anything about it. i love jun.
82. Jun was the strong one, and he wouldn't stop shaking. "Look at you," Nino said, trying to comfort him as Jun sat on the floor of the control room, still in shock. "Like a movie star."
83. But we tried. We stood here, and Jun said no. currently i really can't say anything of value because you put it perfectly and whatever i say will just be unrefined and unnecessary in comparison. but i'm sort of imagining it as a movie a really dramatic heartwrenching soul-destroying movie and then all these lines are in the trailer and it's so fucking amazing because your storytelling is perfect.
84. Nino cleared his throat, wagging his free hand at Sakurai. "Come on, celebrities are welcome, too." oh, man. ;_; this wouldn't be in the trailer because it is a perfect moment where it is and where it comes.
85. Nino thought he'd cared. Thought that as a Riser he cared more than anyone. He'd been wrong. i appreciate that nino has the chance to realize this
86. oh no i'm ten pages to the end and i'm tense as hell and pretty scared and seriously on the edge but i don't want it to end either. pages because i pdf-ed everything. and will pdf it again and again and probably print it. the only decision left to make is what font to print it in.
87. "Gentlemen, the war is over. We've reached peace with China and Russia. There is no longer a need for Paradise Circus." OH MY GOD MY (SUSPICIOUS, OVERWHELMED) HEART
88. It was only a stroke of sheer luck that Ninomiya Kazunari had arrived at Paradise the day before, prompting Jun to action. If not, the war would have still been over and 100 civilians would have died for absolutely nothing. yes, i was thinking this too - that it so happened that keiko came on the day nino came. two people important in very different ways, for different things, and that coincidence made all the difference. it really amazes me, this story.
89. He knew then that he wasn't in between earth and heaven, that he wasn't dead. He was absolutely certain. this line, it made me cry, but in a good way, and it's beautiful and i love aiba so much.
90. i don't want this to end
91. but instead the thousands of guests brought fans with the names of those they'd lost, those they wished to remember from forty-eight long years of pain. this is dramatic exactly like a movie but it is so apt and so beautiful
92. AND SHO DOES THE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
93. He scanned the letters, posted them online with what in- formation he had about who'd written them. oh man this made me cry again i am going to think intensely about this story for a week and remember it for ever
94. "But I guess when you're Mr. Documentary Filmmaker Extraordinaire, you can't take time for your friends." aw, i'm really glad for yasu, really really
95. "No, you can't start reminiscing until he gets here. You know how those celebrity types are. They can't stand it if they aren't the center of attention." oh, nino
96. "You know, I can hear you," Sakurai Sho said i love them all
97. "Anyway, so I was reading this tabloid magazine, and I swear, this one's al- ways right about these things…" aiba would totally know. and think this.
98. Sho turned bright red. "I'm trying to drive here!" oh man. yes sho try not to crash
okay several things. this is really the most epic, wonderful ride i've ever had, nothing i could ever expect in a gift fic and i'm amazed that someone took the time to write this! for me! i mean, i probably had super little to do with it, what with a pretty flaky signup, from what i remember, but!!!! BUT. you upped the ante you totally upped it and i don't know i am definitely not imagining it when i say this piece of writing will always have a special, completely different place in my heart. also, i keep saying 'story' because i honestly started reading it like i was reading a novel (yeah i was just discussing this with my buddies i was all 'battle royale!!' they were all 'well, hunger games!!' and you mentioned it too so maybe i really should read it) and it was the best kind of novel, ever, the kind i love to discover in libraries and take home and spend hours feeling things over. so, thank you for giving me that, in the most unexpected of places. another thing - it's like you KNOW ME or something, possibly coincidence but whatever - the military mentions, the pat down/security stuff, the JUN/NINO, THE JUN/NINO, the battle royale-esque feeling, the mentions of random things i like (cantonese, andy lau, fatigues), the EVERYTHING. whatever it is, please accept my utter love and gratitude for this. HARDLY equivalent to 45K but well, the feeling is there, and trust me it's REALLY THERE.
other things. your style of storytelling and i, it's like we were meant to be, there are so many lines like BULLETS TO THE HEART, so much strength and steadiness and humour in just the right places. i am a complete sucker for slow reveals and EVERY SINGLE DETAIL you revealed, every nuance you touched upon, i think a couple brain cells dissolved each time, and now i'm completely putty, there is an IMPRINT THE SHAPE OF THIS STORY on my brain and in my heart okay?? at times i really just quoted because it made me feel and i had no real words for it, just. wow.
and i love how everything and everybody came together, that was truly amazing and heartwarming (i think that's the dangerous thing about this fic, it's not really that dark, because outside of the morbidity and weight of the premise, there's a very relatable quality to the characters you want us to feel for, the relationships, however unlikely, that they develop - and it's this contradiction between heartwarming and devastating that really makes this fic one hell of a sucker punch. it drags you completely in and you don't even care if it spits you out because it's fantastic.) i have never been one for het pairings (this is slowly changing, tbh) but i really appreciated how you placed every single character. nothing felt contrived, aiba and shihori were like a much needed reprieve, and sho and keiko felt dangerous and right, and yeah that one really hit me hard, then when i felt things turning, and i really loved it, it was hopeful and frightening and gut-twisting and just lovely.
i love how you've put all of arashi in, how they come together, how you didn't cop out with a single one of them by making them predictable or replaceable or convenient. sho as a newscaster - there's more purpose and distinction there than any other story that uses that. i love how we see the person beneath that, how you never make us assume there is one, but reveal it slowly but surely. jun, wow. the military persona fit him so well, i love how he's completely different as that guy, and the guy that goes home to nino. i love that the latter role sort of conflicts with the former, but that's just something they have to deal with. i love how nino and jun and ohno are able to admit to something lacking, some inadequacy, that means they've never been able to leap into action all these years, that something they thought they were immune to is still wrong and they recognize that. that's redemptive. nino, he was the perfect nino, oh man, oh man. i don't know, i am seriously a sucker for perfectly written ninos. i like how he was strong and weak at the same time and for different things, how he saw the lameness of the risers but never was able to do anything more, how channeling his resentment of paradise circus got undercut by the riser movement falling so terribly short. i seriously dreaded the way he went to his death, all resolve and finality and clinical settling of personal affairs. i love how he's the lighthearted one when it's over, how that really eases the way for this to end on a peaceful note. aiba, oh my god. he was perfect to death, all naïvete and perceived weakness, but the first one to go along. i love how his character revealed the deal you made by becoming a civilian employee - your family safe, yourself, not. i'm relieved that he never got the chance to become immune to paradise circus - if he ever would. i love how he shows that you can't exist alone inside there, how he forges the first bonds we see, just by being there and being himself. and ohno, wow. i love the sensibility of his character, the way he easily opens up to aiba in his own way, takes aiba under his wing, cares, that's reassuring, you know? i like how he's basically good at his job, at taking care of things, but he's better at shaking all that up. it's amazing, really. the supporting characters, every single one, were brilliantly placed, too, and it would take far too many words to expound on just how, but really. oh man. i especially loved the detail about riisa standing behind the desk even after it was over. i imagine she was really just reeling. and it fits the atmosphere perfectly. having to find a new normal has to be difficult, but it's gratifying to even think that the chance to find it exists.
PARAGRAPH ON THE JUN/NINO ALONE. i think you may have written the perfectest jun/nino out there and i will never find anything that measures up, which is fine by me, really. i am pretty sure of this. i stashed away my giant jun/nino bias from a year ago but now whatever it's going to burst out there and be everywhere. because this was seriously the best i could ask for. the pricklyness, the balance, the way nino smooths things over, the things that go unsaid, YOU KNOW MY MIND, i love it, i love it, it's my favourite thing to read, my favourite. the way jun trusts nino and nino wants to save jun from the kind of hurt that is him winning the lottery and the way jun finds out but immediately comes up with a fucking plan anyway - that's a soldier for you. the way jun can go on in paradise circus because he has nino. this. i don't even know how to explain it, but it's brilliant, and i'm really glad something like this gave him the shove towards the revolution. nino listening to jun's message, that got me, that seriously got me. but from the very first part, with jun delaying dinner for two hours, their prickly beginning - it had me, already. so what is there to say. i don't know. it sort of amplified everything that i usually like about them, and expressed it brilliantly and perfectly and developed it and oh my god i am very incoherent right now, forgive me, but really i just had to try talking about it, okay?
so basically this entire thing was exhausting and painful and beautifully crafted and perfectly told, but the ending, i just, oh my god. the tension just left me in one FELL SWOOP huge rush and i think there was no better way to resolve it. the way they ran at the end of battle royale was dramatic and epic but this was so much easier on the heart, it was breathtaking and hopeful and relieving and just so redemptive and i immediately texted someone to read it because THE ENDING, IT WON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO RIP YOUR OWN HEART OUT. that makes it so much easier for me to think about this story in its entirety, and even though i'll be agonizing over the painful parts - those will never get any easier - i'll be comforted by the fact that things take a turn for the better, and it may not be easy, not even because of their tiny revolution, but the revolution saved a hundred people and i'm glad this is no less significant than it should be. the note this ends on is perfect and i like how there isn't undue blame and fault finding and more dystopia, just rebuilding, rediscovering. a ground zero, of sorts. the level of relief i had when the tension left is testament to just how compelling your storytelling is. i got through a lot of the fic telling myself, OKAY IT HURTS BUT AT LEAST IT ISN'T REAL AND NOW YOU APPRECIATE OUR HISTORY AND ARASHI BEING WHERE THEY ARE AND JUST. ;___; yes. so. you are epic.
basically this is ten million kinds of fucking perfect. i am hellishly grateful and also i love you a lot. i. yes. i dunno what else to say except that i really love this and you for writing it and it is a fic that occupies its own niche/genre/other special classifications for me, now, and i will pimp it everywhere and will think about it a lot in the days to come as well as love on you (so feel the love, okay, it's strong) and really i'm just glad it exists. my eyes just about bogged out when i saw PART 7 OF 7 on my phone at 4am but after reading it i am all sorts of more shell-shocked and also very grateful and i couldn't have seen it coming so thank you so, so very much for sparing your talent for this. i will not forget it.
Seriously, I tend to expend all my energy on the story so that when it comes to speaking intelligently about my ~themes~ and ~ideas~ I come up short in favor of "I AM A TROLL."
But I am so utterly thankful that this story did not send you jumping out a window despite what I did to Arashi. That you understood exactly what I was trying to do with the characters included and everyone's role. You're just amazing to write for because I think you just...get it. I mean, you get what I mean to do and what I'm saying so I didn't feel like I had to sugarcoat anything or hold back because I knew you'd be game (even if I still had crazy writer guilt).
You're so welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you left such wonderful feedback. It makes the time and effort completely worth it (basically this was my life for like, an entire month LMAO WORTH IT WORTH IT WORTH IT)
8. in HK they refer to andy lau as one of the four heavenly kings (of the entertainment industry not like ~~the sky), so yes, definitely that calibre of celebrity. lololol i just love it when my non-fic fandoms intersect with my fic ones.
17. no, it was! given how this story began i really wasn't expecting that hint of… domesticity, dare i say? it also really made me realize that established is a serious weak spot for me. i don't know why i've taken so long to realize this, but better late than never?
30. so you're a history major!! that's really cool. i did the cold war briefly in the last two years, but more so china and southeast asia with a little bit of east asia. the history constructed here, though, is something that's basically quite relatable whatever history you're more familiar with. which makes it really interesting, gosh.
32. lmaooooo, THAT IS HILARIOUS. and kind of great. and please, creepypasta is totally cool with me. really i'm just impressed at your ~resourcefulness
36. re: never being a professional writer, i cannot say i am complaining, particularly when you write for a fandom i am in. i know what you mean, though!! i've gotten so comfortable using these characters that i feel i won't need to branch out, at least in the near future.
37. please, i definitely loved the aiba/ohno friendship/support. aiba/ohno is a pretty new love for me, actually!! credit goes mostly to rainbowfilling…
45. i hesitated to say this at first but initially i assumed that nino was one of the paradise circus staff? and that he operated the cinema inside paradise circus itself. it was kind of a hasty assumption and once i realized it was wrong i was sadfacing (because, not exempt) but also appreciating how jun and nino were established but came from such different worlds!!
57. i note a million things in my signups because i am the most flaky person on earth. D: also, i never really know what i want until i get it.
60. UGH THINKING ABOUT THESE TWO HERE, I STILL.
also: + i belatedly realized the insertion of cinema and amusement park AUs because i am a loser, gosh. i totally realized military though so do not worry it was not completely lost on me!! HOWEVER. i am really impressed now. and also glad i had no specific dream jeow fic in my mind hence all the 'do whatever!!' resulting in this!!! of course, also the fact that you were writing it. :D
+ DO NOT be sorry for the het!! i bet you aren't really, anyway. :D i just need to read more het to eventually actively figure out what i like, and maybe what i can write. this is taking time but it is happening!!
+ your version of trolling makes normal trolling look like kiddy versions, though, jsyk. i.e. IT IS THE BEST
+ but i am glad to have made you glad that you wrote this, because seriously it will stand out to me forever. and also: gosh am i relieved to have already known the person who wrote this because how much of a mindfuck would it be if it were someone i had NEVER HEARD OF. but knowing it is you explains a lot. and just, yes. getting sentimental again but yay for having met you in fandom!!
+ A MONTH, i can't even imagine, omg, you are amaaaaaaazing just gonna say it again
+ I APOLOGIZE that this has taken so long such that it comes pretty randomly but ah. well. i hope that is ok with you, lol.
It has been SO LONG since I've given this much time and energy to Matsumiya. I missed them but just couldn't find the right story for them. I'm glad that despite the angst party and NEARLY KILLING ONE OF THEM OFF ENTIRELY TROLOLOL that it felt true and right. Because I think the two of them are so ridiculously intelligent but have such obvious flaws and points of difference that it's fun to see where they clash and where they love and forgive. They were such a treat - thank you for asking for them <3
I had that inspirational Star Trek idea in mind because I thought the idea of sacrifice on such a scale could make for an amazing story. I had the idea, but absolutely could not figure out how to do it. But your signup did help because I thought I could do a lot of AU things on the surface (someone's in the military, someone works at the cinema, someone works in an amusement park) but then turn it completely into something insane. And your willingness to allow insanity gave me free reign to just turn this into an emotional free-for-all. Thank you for that :)
And as far as the het, oh my god, I'm sorry. That's my own selfishness shining through. I was at the point where I figured "well I'm giving her Matsumiya and all of Arashi but I think I want Aiba to get laid..." and I was worried that my love for Aiba het might cloud my judgment and go against what you want. But I'm glad it still worked and it didn't feel forced. And ugh I have Sho/Keiko feelings, I couldn't help that either. Thank you for being understanding. I did try to keep Matsumiya up front as my ~romantic leads~. Everything else is just a bonus for me to work my way through the ideas I wanted to talk about ;)
82 - Of course Jun nearly passes the hell out after that. LOL my god, I don't know how movie and TV characters can just give these defiant, important speeches and not completely deflate as soon as it's over.
83 - I write stuff like that intentionally. I really visualize things when I'm writing them - if that ends up giving things the 'movie trailer' feel, it's all because I can't write unless I'm doing that ;)
87 - Oh don't worry. As suspicious as it sounds, I needed to end it this way. One of those not with a bang, but with a whimper moments. But you're right to be suspicious because I'm so evil and troll-tastic. SORRY FOR THAT. But no seriously everything is fine, it's not an Inception ending. I am not that mean.
88 - I hope it wasn't *too* contrived or convenient. I was starting to worry that I'd dug myself into a hole ;)
89 - Ugh the carousel scene was another victim of "JAMIE IS PICTURING THIS LIKE A MOVIE MANIPULATE MANIPULATE MANIPULATE." LMAO
92 - Sho does the entertainment news IF ONLY SO TODA ERIKA CAN CONTINUE TO PLAY IN THESE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED MOVIES. NEVER CHANGE, ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. NEVER CHANGE.
101 - Lies. But I did my very best with this story :)
71 - It was so hard to get into Nino's head for these scenes. I mean, what on Earth could someone be thinking in a place like this? Because he's spent so much of the story being bitter and angry and jaded and now he's just petrified. I wanted him to go into Paradise Circus knowing that his and Jun's time was over. I wanted him to be at peace with the decisions he'd made. So when Jun pulls this (heartbreaking, beautiful, loving) STUNT, I just wanted him to be PISSED. He can't take any more.
77 - And it all led to this, which was my hands down favorite scene to write. Because no, it's not going to be Nino leaping into Jun's arms all "OH THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME." It's not going to be Jun declaring his love with anime tears in his eyes. It's fucking dangerous and Nino is furious even as he's amazed to know this person. It was my favorite favorite favorite favorite and like, the reason I ship Matsumiya is because I can write stuff like this. Because I can write Nino punching Jun and Jun just taking it. I can write Jun being so blinded by his love and need to save Nino that he doesn't actually understand why it might make Nino angry. I just...ugh. I finished writing this scene and did one of those "take a step back and LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID" faces at my screen. And I knew I couldn't change a word of it LMAO. THESE TWO.
53 - Those are the details I can't not include. It needs to be true and real for me - it needs to hurt. Again because I love being emotionally manipulated and I inflict it on others ;)
57 - I've got an established relationship (as noted in your assignment TROLOLOL) and a just getting started one (also noted in your assignment I believe!) and yeah, I definitely wanted some contrast. Because Nino and Jun in this story - they're not in a healthy place, their relationship is in a downward slope and it takes something this horrible to right it again. But giving Aiba something to hold onto, some ounce of happiness - I'm glad I made that choice and I'm glad this wasn't a non-stop angst train. I figure a few stops would help you keep your sanity.
60 - I debated for the longest time how Jun should find out. Was he going to find Nino's letter in the apartment? Was he going to accidentally get a call from the landlord? Was Nino going to let it slip? But any of those ways would never work - because Jun would have more freedom. In the end, having him find out at the last minute when there's nothing he thinks he can do...I think that lights the fire in him that he really needs.
Because again, Nino and Jun don't have this perfect relationship. I didn't want them to. I wanted them to have conflicts, personality clashes. I wanted there to be the same troubles anyone has - because then I think it makes the realization about how much they DO care and need each other all the more powerful. So I hope that really came across because it was THE WHOLE POINT LMAO.
13. i'm really kind of perturbed yet intrigued by the way paradise circus calls everyone a hero and emphasizes on treating everyone well when in the end it's all to one end and that end kind of undercuts everything they say they want to give their guests.
14. i can't even begin to imagine ohno having been here for almost a decade. it's pretty unfathomable to me.
15. "What the hell was that?" the guy asked him, seeming unashamed of his fright. i like how you put this and i like how it's very aiba. and oh man, the next paragraph.
16. "They sound it when all the guests are in their rooms. They'll sound it again just after midnight. When all the guests are...well..."
Aiba's face turned pale.
"You get used to it," Ohno explained calmly, even as his heart raced. You never got used to it.
i can't even. the delivery is brilliant and i don't know if i can take this. of course, i secretly love the mindfuck, but all i can think is oh crap, ohno ):
17. oh oh oh nino and jun live together. okay. i have feelings about this just waiting to burst into the sunlight
18. but you are making these feelings burst out, gdi. oh no the dynamic is already perfect just how i like them oh nooooo. i don't know why but i feel lots of trepidation and oh crap ok i can't say anything constructive here.
19. "I'm trying to avoid a fight here," Nino said, shutting the faucet off. perfect line. then again, many of them are.
20. Nino was the only disorder he allowed himself, and even after two years it still drove him crazy. i'm sorry, i just have to quote this. i am not sure if any other jun/nino will live up to this after reading this because you write them like a shot to the heart, in the best way possible.
21. "As long as everyone who has to die at midnight dies, who cares?" Ohno had said, and Aiba was glad he was drunk enough to let the man's remark roll off him. oh man.
22. So Ohno explained that some ended it early with a razor or pills they'd smuggled in with them. yeah actually i was just wondering about this. but seeing it spelt out - that's different. mostly i'm just going, oh crap, oh man, oh no.
23. Ten years without the possibility of them ending up in one of the rooms on the floors above him, frightened and terribly, horribly alone at the very end. okay this line made me tear up for real i think this will go on to make me sob.
24. They'd gotten strong carrying body bags. now this is a macabre and pretty devastating realization.
25. If they felt grateful for what he'd done, signing up for Paradise Circus, they'd never said so aloud. It didn't really need to be said. this - and all that led up to it - is terribly well put.
26. After almost ten years, he still had no idea. i think i probably have some idea. i'm not certain and i don't know how to put it, but i think so.
27. After fifty years? Of course they don't care. They probably laugh themselves silly knowing we're still offering up lives to them. suddenly the 'for freedom' comments make a lot more sense but also this section is so significant and kind of devastating.
28. They'd hit the jackpot, hadn't they? They hated everything Paradise Circus stood for. They'd worked tirelessly for years to find a way to crack the system, to find a way in the gates. And now one of their members was living with someone who worked on the inside. oh shit, this makes so much horrible sense
29. He denounced Paradise in daylight and fucked someone who enforced it by night. holy crap your lines ;_;
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30. ok i'm actually very interested by this japan/china thing. reminds me of my half-assed essays from school on japan-china relations. except this is definitely not half-assed, of course. yeah my point was that i really like how you've gotten politics/international relations/real historical detail into the picture, and are actually addressing how this whole paradise circus scheme has anything to do with freedom.
31. Sho was many things, but he wasn't dumb enough to label the direct line to the Director-General with "Dad - Work." OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY.
32. It was always hard for Sho to reconcile the fact that Sakurai Shun, the father who'd given him everything, was the same as Sakurai Shun, the man in the government, one among many who desperately wanted Paradise Circus to continue without interference. still reeling. conflict of interest if i ever saw one, and boy do i like conflicts of interest.
33. Jun had never met someone who was so wrong and yet so perfect for the job as Ohno Satoshi. yeah this was pretty much my thought in 26.
34. He wouldn't want to be alone, but he wouldn't want jolly people trying to convince him that he needed to have fun before they gassed him. this makes a lot of sense. also, i know you've started saying it for some time, but every time it's mentioned directly it's still pretty upsetting.
35. Given the option of being anywhere else or working this assignment, Jun would pick his assignment every time. But it didn't necessarily mean he liked it. omg i find myself really uselessly saying yessss this makes so much sense, but really, you put it so well. i love how you establish that it's simply the less intolerable of two difficult choices - there are no illusions about this life and this choice.
36. oh god, nino's family. i feel like should have seen this coming but i didn't. (IS IT REALLY RANDOM THEN.) i love how you're able to give the relationship between jun and nino real depth despite the really macabre context which could easily give rise to a generally fatalistic , glossed over attitude. at this point i'm no longer reading this as a fic, i'm reading it as a novel, and are you sure you shouldn't be off somewhere writing bestselling novels?? unless you already are? but seriously. this is my favourite kind of novel and it's like my own personal battle royale, omg ;_; OVERSTATING AGAIN EXCUSE ME PLEASE
37. Jun could tell he was new because his eyes were red and full of tears as he helped Ohno lift a teenage girl off of the hotel room bed and into the body bag on the floor. i like the fact that you humanize the people on the ground, the ones who are actually carrying out the operations. (well, not releasing the gas, but making things run smoothly.) it's a pretty stark contrast from battle royale and it actually makes the situation seem even more helpless? because everything seems civilized and humane but there's a very subtle undertone of coercion going on. also, arashi here are really really well-placed and you are either naturally a genius or you geniusly planned this out or both. i love how they start out with varying degrees of familiarity and in some sections they don't even overlap (like, sho hasn't had interaction with any of arashi) but the story still feels very much them. i really appreciate this.
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39. Every day Jun encouraged the guests to write them, knowing they would never reach their final destination. i was just wondering about this. He could feel tiny pricks of tears forming in the corner of his eyes at the sight of poor Aiba, so new to this and with ten full years left of it to endure. no, nooooo. there should be a warning for aiba sadness alone. and jun being affected by this - it actually speaks volumes more about the entire situation. i also like the fact that ohno, who seemed so indifferent on the surface at the beginning, is calling aiba 'aiba-chan' and seems to be… taking care of him, for lack of a better way to say it.
40. If he didn't shape up, he'd get dismissed. now that i have some idea of the stakes this makes me really apprehensive.
41. Don't you say a word, Ohno's eyes told him. Not one fucking word. it should be literary-ly impossible for you to end each section with such a punch, and physically impossible for me to take it each time and fall more in love with your storytelling.
42. He'd done this to save her, and she resented him for it. again, THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. normally when a published author writes like that i have no way to say this to them but please know how much i appreciate and enjoy your style. about the statement itself… i'm not sure what to say. it's difficult to react to other than how devastating it just feels to realize it.
43. all Aiba could think was six years, six years, six years. Surely that would be enough time to get stronger. oh god. this is such a daunting thought, but the spirit of it is really quite tiny by comparison - the idea of one step at the time, the general progression, the desire to be numbed to routine loss of life. it's difficult to explain, but.
44. "You're the way we should all be, you know," this is awful because it's so true yet doesn't do aiba a single ounce of good.
45. WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, NINO, NO i can't
46. ok if i weren't in public now i would just be sobbing. but since i am i will soldier on and when it is over i will reread it at home and sob for real and for as long as i like.
NEXT PART.
47. It'll be you, Kitagawa- san, and one cameraman. i actually feel terrible for her, spending her last day this way. no one needs to do that, and no one should.
48. That's why I didn't want you to follow me. That's why I got you where you are. I didn't want you to be hated. I wanted them to trust you." this is terrible. this kind of trust, i don't know. it undercuts the meaning of the word itself.
49. It had been a long time since the job had made Ohno cry. Then again, it had been a long time since there'd been a sui- cide attempt right in front of him. oh crap. i think the whole incident says a lot about dying with dignity, or dying on your own terms. it never gets overblown which makes it even more powerful.
50. who had stood on the Midway and watched as someone unbuckled their seatbelt when the jet coaster reached the top of the lift hill. holy shit. you don't spare a single word, do you? it's all there and it's all important and i'm hanging off every line and holding onto every emotion. i feel like this story is going to fling me off again at least once or twice, like it already has with the last jun/nino scene.
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52. It was ideal for people who didn't want to leave their families hanging or for those who were completely alone. Nino thought he was kind of a combination of both. i think i do see this middle ground in all of them, to some degree, probably because of the context they live in. it seems pretty awkward and makes it all the more painful, really.
53. He and Jun were named jointly on their apartment lease, on an emergency credit card. shit. ;_; it's these details.
54. i'm a little desperate with sadness and apprehension at this entire situation right now, i mean i don't think nino's doing either of them much good by wiping jun's existence clean of him, but telling him. rock and a hard place, really.
55. Said the collections agent to the dead man. repeat 41.
56. this talk of pat downs. do you know me ;_______; whatever it is, let me love you, okay??
57. "You're not allowed to fall asleep with your hand there." lovely line, especially stark - the whole scene is - against the story. i like that there is some redemption, that this time the sex isn't… well, i can't exactly find a word for it, but like the one jun and nino had. this achieves a very subtle balance and i'm grateful for it.
NEXT PART
58. "Because it was the right thing to do." i can't really say much about this part, except that every single section is making me cry now and it was perfect, the way sho pushed his limits, the way you humanized keiko, and the way sho responded simply because he's human, too.
59. The first time to release the sleeping gas, the second to release the poison. Nobody knew which switch was the one to release the deadly gas. It was to help with the guilt, the government man had said. oh, oh. what a detail. what a way.
60. oh fuck, no
61. But now Nino would be here, on these grounds, and Jun realized for the first time that Paradise Circus was wrong. just the lines, because i can't say anything, sobbing
62. But then again, what was a little treason when the person you loved the most was in danger?
63. okay. i sobbed through the entire part with jun. i don't know.
64. "My name's Ohno," the man said quietly. "Ohno Satoshi. Tell me what I can do to help you today." oh. no other words.
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65. Sho had never been a fan of rides or anything with heights, but Keiko had wanted to ride. It was his duty to ride with her. ha, oh. this was oddly touching for its relatable detail.
66. maybe a bullet straight to the head would have been preferable. definitely what i've been thinking
67. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "Sho-san, I feel as though I've seen all there is to see." i suddenly just feel so bad for her. i mean, i hate that sho and yasu have to see this, too, and return to some semblance of normalcy afterwards, but it's easy to forget that for her, it really is the end. and that's awful, it really is. nino said earlier something about them having to pretend to be on holiday, but for her i think the burden of pretense is amplified several fold.
68. "Shut up," Matsumoto said, his hand dangerously moving to the gun at his side. "You don't know anything about me." okay, whoa. it's a horrible day for the both of them.
69. A lover?" - shit.
70. "You aren't going to die." hoooo shit my brain is going into overdrive
71. Just...please kill me if it's your job to kill me. Don't bring Jun into it." no, that's terrible, the thought alone
72. "Because I've called you Nino this whole day. How else would I know to call you that?" oh my god oh my god
73. "I can't," the cameraman had said. "Not after the things I've seen." so it's actually a crazy, what the hell chance, but it makes so much sense and it touches me how everyone is strong enough to go with that sense, that humanity.
74. Tanaka was always trying to flirt with Corporal Ishihara outside of the control room. Even a day like to- day wouldn't stop him. oh, man
75. But eighteen year old Matsumoto Jun hadn't met Ninomiya Kazunari. He couldn't understand. ;_;
76. If things had gone as planned, Nino was on the other side of the door. your pacing is perfect i'm holding my breath gdi this is doing me in
77. "You don't belong in that room," Jun said. "You belong with me."
78. If you stick your neck out for someone, stick it out for Ohno-san. He watched me play Mario for about six hours and didn't say a fucking word. That's someone Japan can't lose. Or that Aiba. He was telling me he just got a girlfriend, how worried he was if your stupid plan didn't work out and they tried to go after her for knowing him. In the grand scheme of things, I'm just the guy you live with. You can find someone new, alright? Be smart. You're the smartest person I know, so don't do this."
79. Even now his fingers were tapping against the fabric of his jeans, as though he was replay- ing every song he'd ever liked in his head in case things went wrong. i really like yasu here. as supporting as his role is there's a stoic quality about him that makes him a perfect fit, the best they could have asked for.
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80. Even as Jun could feel him trembling, his voice gave no sign of fear. I CAN'T STAND THIS
81. This program was set up to fail, and we were too cowardly to do anything about it. i love jun.
82. Jun was the strong one, and he wouldn't stop shaking. "Look at you," Nino said, trying to comfort him as Jun sat on the floor of the control room, still in shock. "Like a movie star."
83. But we tried. We stood here, and Jun said no. currently i really can't say anything of value because you put it perfectly and whatever i say will just be unrefined and unnecessary in comparison. but i'm sort of imagining it as a movie a really dramatic heartwrenching soul-destroying movie and then all these lines are in the trailer and it's so fucking amazing because your storytelling is perfect.
84. Nino cleared his throat, wagging his free hand at Sakurai. "Come on, celebrities are welcome, too." oh, man. ;_; this wouldn't be in the trailer because it is a perfect moment where it is and where it comes.
85. Nino thought he'd cared. Thought that as a Riser he cared more than anyone. He'd been wrong. i appreciate that nino has the chance to realize this
86. oh no i'm ten pages to the end and i'm tense as hell and pretty scared and seriously on the edge but i don't want it to end either. pages because i pdf-ed everything. and will pdf it again and again and probably print it. the only decision left to make is what font to print it in.
87. "Gentlemen, the war is over. We've reached peace with China and Russia. There is no longer a need for Paradise Circus." OH MY GOD MY (SUSPICIOUS, OVERWHELMED) HEART
88. It was only a stroke of sheer luck that Ninomiya Kazunari had arrived at Paradise the day before, prompting Jun to action. If not, the war would have still been over and 100 civilians would have died for absolutely nothing. yes, i was thinking this too - that it so happened that keiko came on the day nino came. two people important in very different ways, for different things, and that coincidence made all the difference. it really amazes me, this story.
89. He knew then that he wasn't in between earth and heaven, that he wasn't dead. He was absolutely certain. this line, it made me cry, but in a good way, and it's beautiful and i love aiba so much.
90. i don't want this to end
91. but instead the thousands of guests brought fans with the names of those they'd lost, those they wished to remember from forty-eight long years of pain. this is dramatic exactly like a movie but it is so apt and so beautiful
92. AND SHO DOES THE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
93. He scanned the letters, posted them online with what in- formation he had about who'd written them. oh man this made me cry again i am going to think intensely about this story for a week and remember it for ever
94. "But I guess when you're Mr. Documentary Filmmaker Extraordinaire, you can't take time for your friends." aw, i'm really glad for yasu, really really
95. "No, you can't start reminiscing until he gets here. You know how those celebrity types are. They can't stand it if they aren't the center of attention." oh, nino
96. "You know, I can hear you," Sakurai Sho said i love them all
97. "Anyway, so I was reading this tabloid magazine, and I swear, this one's al- ways right about these things…" aiba would totally know. and think this.
98. Sho turned bright red. "I'm trying to drive here!" oh man. yes sho try not to crash
99. OH MY GOD IT'S OVER
100. OH MY GOD
101. I THINK - THAT YOU ARE PERFECT
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other things. your style of storytelling and i, it's like we were meant to be, there are so many lines like BULLETS TO THE HEART, so much strength and steadiness and humour in just the right places. i am a complete sucker for slow reveals and EVERY SINGLE DETAIL you revealed, every nuance you touched upon, i think a couple brain cells dissolved each time, and now i'm completely putty, there is an IMPRINT THE SHAPE OF THIS STORY on my brain and in my heart okay?? at times i really just quoted because it made me feel and i had no real words for it, just. wow.
and i love how everything and everybody came together, that was truly amazing and heartwarming (i think that's the dangerous thing about this fic, it's not really that dark, because outside of the morbidity and weight of the premise, there's a very relatable quality to the characters you want us to feel for, the relationships, however unlikely, that they develop - and it's this contradiction between heartwarming and devastating that really makes this fic one hell of a sucker punch. it drags you completely in and you don't even care if it spits you out because it's fantastic.) i have never been one for het pairings (this is slowly changing, tbh) but i really appreciated how you placed every single character. nothing felt contrived, aiba and shihori were like a much needed reprieve, and sho and keiko felt dangerous and right, and yeah that one really hit me hard, then when i felt things turning, and i really loved it, it was hopeful and frightening and gut-twisting and just lovely.
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PARAGRAPH ON THE JUN/NINO ALONE. i think you may have written the perfectest jun/nino out there and i will never find anything that measures up, which is fine by me, really. i am pretty sure of this. i stashed away my giant jun/nino bias from a year ago but now whatever it's going to burst out there and be everywhere. because this was seriously the best i could ask for. the pricklyness, the balance, the way nino smooths things over, the things that go unsaid, YOU KNOW MY MIND, i love it, i love it, it's my favourite thing to read, my favourite. the way jun trusts nino and nino wants to save jun from the kind of hurt that is him winning the lottery and the way jun finds out but immediately comes up with a fucking plan anyway - that's a soldier for you. the way jun can go on in paradise circus because he has nino. this. i don't even know how to explain it, but it's brilliant, and i'm really glad something like this gave him the shove towards the revolution. nino listening to jun's message, that got me, that seriously got me. but from the very first part, with jun delaying dinner for two hours, their prickly beginning - it had me, already. so what is there to say. i don't know. it sort of amplified everything that i usually like about them, and expressed it brilliantly and perfectly and developed it and oh my god i am very incoherent right now, forgive me, but really i just had to try talking about it, okay?
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basically this is ten million kinds of fucking perfect. i am hellishly grateful and also i love you a lot. i. yes. i dunno what else to say except that i really love this and you for writing it and it is a fic that occupies its own niche/genre/other special classifications for me, now, and i will pimp it everywhere and will think about it a lot in the days to come as well as love on you (so feel the love, okay, it's strong) and really i'm just glad it exists. my eyes just about bogged out when i saw PART 7 OF 7 on my phone at 4am but after reading it i am all sorts of more shell-shocked and also very grateful and i couldn't have seen it coming so thank you so, so very much for sparing your talent for this. i will not forget it.
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Seriously, I tend to expend all my energy on the story so that when it comes to speaking intelligently about my ~themes~ and ~ideas~ I come up short in favor of "I AM A TROLL."
But I am so utterly thankful that this story did not send you jumping out a window despite what I did to Arashi. That you understood exactly what I was trying to do with the characters included and everyone's role. You're just amazing to write for because I think you just...get it. I mean, you get what I mean to do and what I'm saying so I didn't feel like I had to sugarcoat anything or hold back because I knew you'd be game (even if I still had crazy writer guilt).
You're so welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you left such wonderful feedback. It makes the time and effort completely worth it (basically this was my life for like, an entire month LMAO WORTH IT WORTH IT WORTH IT)
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17. no, it was! given how this story began i really wasn't expecting that hint of… domesticity, dare i say? it also really made me realize that established is a serious weak spot for me. i don't know why i've taken so long to realize this, but better late than never?
30. so you're a history major!! that's really cool. i did the cold war briefly in the last two years, but more so china and southeast asia with a little bit of east asia. the history constructed here, though, is something that's basically quite relatable whatever history you're more familiar with. which makes it really interesting, gosh.
32. lmaooooo, THAT IS HILARIOUS. and kind of great. and please, creepypasta is totally cool with me. really i'm just impressed at your ~resourcefulness
36. re: never being a professional writer, i cannot say i am complaining, particularly when you write for a fandom i am in. i know what you mean, though!! i've gotten so comfortable using these characters that i feel i won't need to branch out, at least in the near future.
37. please, i definitely loved the aiba/ohno friendship/support. aiba/ohno is a pretty new love for me, actually!! credit goes mostly to rainbowfilling…
45. i hesitated to say this at first but initially i assumed that nino was one of the paradise circus staff? and that he operated the cinema inside paradise circus itself. it was kind of a hasty assumption and once i realized it was wrong i was sadfacing (because, not exempt) but also appreciating how jun and nino were established but came from such different worlds!!
57. i note a million things in my signups because i am the most flaky person on earth. D: also, i never really know what i want until i get it.
60. UGH THINKING ABOUT THESE TWO HERE, I STILL.
also:
+ i belatedly realized the insertion of cinema and amusement park AUs because i am a loser, gosh. i totally realized military though so do not worry it was not completely lost on me!! HOWEVER. i am really impressed now. and also glad i had no specific dream jeow fic in my mind hence all the 'do whatever!!' resulting in this!!! of course, also the fact that you were writing it. :D
+ DO NOT be sorry for the het!! i bet you aren't really, anyway. :D i just need to read more het to eventually actively figure out what i like, and maybe what i can write. this is taking time but it is happening!!
+ your version of trolling makes normal trolling look like kiddy versions, though, jsyk. i.e. IT IS THE BEST
+ but i am glad to have made you glad that you wrote this, because seriously it will stand out to me forever. and also: gosh am i relieved to have already known the person who wrote this because how much of a mindfuck would it be if it were someone i had NEVER HEARD OF. but knowing it is you explains a lot. and just, yes. getting sentimental again but yay for having met you in fandom!!
+ A MONTH, i can't even imagine, omg, you are amaaaaaaazing just gonna say it again
+ I APOLOGIZE that this has taken so long such that it comes pretty randomly but ah. well. i hope that is ok with you, lol.
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And as far as the het, oh my god, I'm sorry. That's my own selfishness shining through. I was at the point where I figured "well I'm giving her Matsumiya and all of Arashi but I think I want Aiba to get laid..." and I was worried that my love for Aiba het might cloud my judgment and go against what you want. But I'm glad it still worked and it didn't feel forced. And ugh I have Sho/Keiko feelings, I couldn't help that either. Thank you for being understanding. I did try to keep Matsumiya up front as my ~romantic leads~. Everything else is just a bonus for me to work my way through the ideas I wanted to talk about ;)
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83 - I write stuff like that intentionally. I really visualize things when I'm writing them - if that ends up giving things the 'movie trailer' feel, it's all because I can't write unless I'm doing that ;)
87 - Oh don't worry. As suspicious as it sounds, I needed to end it this way. One of those not with a bang, but with a whimper moments. But you're right to be suspicious because I'm so evil and troll-tastic. SORRY FOR THAT. But no seriously everything is fine, it's not an Inception ending. I am not that mean.
88 - I hope it wasn't *too* contrived or convenient. I was starting to worry that I'd dug myself into a hole ;)
89 - Ugh the carousel scene was another victim of "JAMIE IS PICTURING THIS LIKE A MOVIE MANIPULATE MANIPULATE MANIPULATE." LMAO
92 - Sho does the entertainment news IF ONLY SO TODA ERIKA CAN CONTINUE TO PLAY IN THESE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED MOVIES. NEVER CHANGE, ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. NEVER CHANGE.
101 - Lies. But I did my very best with this story :)
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77 - And it all led to this, which was my hands down favorite scene to write. Because no, it's not going to be Nino leaping into Jun's arms all "OH THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME." It's not going to be Jun declaring his love with anime tears in his eyes. It's fucking dangerous and Nino is furious even as he's amazed to know this person. It was my favorite favorite favorite favorite and like, the reason I ship Matsumiya is because I can write stuff like this. Because I can write Nino punching Jun and Jun just taking it. I can write Jun being so blinded by his love and need to save Nino that he doesn't actually understand why it might make Nino angry. I just...ugh. I finished writing this scene and did one of those "take a step back and LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID" faces at my screen. And I knew I couldn't change a word of it LMAO. THESE TWO.
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57 - I've got an established relationship (as noted in your assignment TROLOLOL) and a just getting started one (also noted in your assignment I believe!) and yeah, I definitely wanted some contrast. Because Nino and Jun in this story - they're not in a healthy place, their relationship is in a downward slope and it takes something this horrible to right it again. But giving Aiba something to hold onto, some ounce of happiness - I'm glad I made that choice and I'm glad this wasn't a non-stop angst train. I figure a few stops would help you keep your sanity.
60 - I debated for the longest time how Jun should find out. Was he going to find Nino's letter in the apartment? Was he going to accidentally get a call from the landlord? Was Nino going to let it slip? But any of those ways would never work - because Jun would have more freedom. In the end, having him find out at the last minute when there's nothing he thinks he can do...I think that lights the fire in him that he really needs.
Because again, Nino and Jun don't have this perfect relationship. I didn't want them to. I wanted them to have conflicts, personality clashes. I wanted there to be the same troubles anyone has - because then I think it makes the realization about how much they DO care and need each other all the more powerful. So I hope that really came across because it was THE WHOLE POINT LMAO.
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