Hi. How's everybody doing.
Hi. I don't know if you guys still remember me, I bet a few just unsuscribed from my lj/twitter (here or over marga_ps, my lj) and forgot about me, which is totally logical. I don't know if anybody cares, but just for me, I'm going to explain why I disapeared from the fandom completely and why I didn't updated the je-index anymore.
When I started in this fandom I was in a weird place in my life. I know it's such a cliché to say that, but I was, like half living a life and half living in my imagination, and this fandom was perfect for that. When you're down, watching videos of Arashi or smap is like the perfect medicine, you feel extremely happy just watching them being silly or imagining what your life would be like if they were your friends. In this sense, fandom helped me a lot, cheered me up when I was down. But god it did screw me over. It enabled me from having a real life, from going out to the world and living all those experiences for myself. You might be wondering why I couldn't meet it halfway and actually having a fandom as a hobby and having a normal life.... well, I'm weird, and I couldn't be in the fandom halfway. I needed to watch all arashi videos (subbed or not, I knew enough japanese after a few years to understand half of it), and I also needed to watch all the videos from the rest of the groups that were interesting enough to watch. I wanted to know the latest gossips so when people talked about it I knew what they were talking about (I'm that girl that hated not being able to go to the last party cos I wouldn't know what happened and not because I wanted to have fun). I wanted to help the fandom (the fandom that helped me so much with subtitles when I didn't understand a thing) so I created the je-index. I wanted to make subtitles cos, why not, I could, and I wanted to help. I wanted to watch the last j-drama because everybody was talking about how great it was and I wanted to enjoy it too.
So, after arashi tv shows (and some smap, tokio, news and kat-tun, yeah), j-doramas (and some kdramas too), je-index (this took like 1 hour per day minimum), gossips, subbing, and just the regular fangirling with online-friends, well... I didn't had time for anything else. And it wasn't bad cos I had fun while doing all of it. But anybody could have seen that it wasn't healthy. I was pretty much all the time in my room when I was supposed to be out... just... living. I mean, it's stupid if you think about it, just spending so much time basically... watching tv. Cause that's what I was doing. Watching tv night and day.
Anyway, little by little I started going out more and doing less in the fandom. That ment basically not updating the je-index, the first sign. One month passed, two, and I kept saying to myself, "I'll get to it soon, I'll update it for sure" but I didn't, and the more time passed the more it felt like climbing a mountain, cause obviously the work just kept piling up. While all that happened, I stillwatched tv shows, jdramas, etc, but little by little I stopped doing that too. I don't remember when exactly but I remember one day thinking "hey, i haven't watched anything fandom-related in a week" and realising I was doing very good in other aspects of my life, so I thought to myself, It's better if you stop this for just a little while. And like with the je-index, when I felt like going back to see what was new, a few months had passed and it felt like a hassle to do all the things I hadn't done in 2 months, cause, like I said, I couldn't do it halfway, I wanted to either watch it all or nothing at all.
I don't know how some of you could do hiatus for a few months or like half a year and just come back after it like nothing happened. I couldn't deal with all the stuff I was missing, so one year passed, and then two. And don't misunderstand me, during all that time I had a lot of moments where I felt I wanted to go back, I wanted to see "my boys" and have a laugh just watching them doing nothing, I wanted to go back to you guys and have a laugh about the latest stupid thing that Nino and Ohno did. But all this time I was afraid. Afraid of being sucked in again, cause I still think that if I go back I need to go back in full, and I can't allow myself to do that. I'm starting to build a career and a group of friends and I just can't risk all that.
I thought a lot of times about giving the je-index to somebody. I was stupid, really, I need to apologize for this cause I kept thinking "No, I can't give this to anybody, this is like my baby and I'll go back to it eventually" but obviously I didn't and I probably never will (not like it was at least). So, even though it's probably useless now, if anybody wants the original list of files to build it again, is free to ask for it.
So... here I am. Two years later. I have no idea of what happened with the boys or in the fandom these two years. I don't know why that bothers me so much. It shouldn't. But honestly, this sometimes feels like a drug, like smoking. It's like I either quit altogether or smoke a pack per day, because smoking just one cigarette a day is too much temptation. Which means... I don't know. I don't know if I'll try and get in the fandom just a little and see if I can or if tomorrow I'll be gone again too afraid of getting sucked in. But oh well. This is what happened.
Hi again. I hope you're all doing great.
PS. I haven't read all the comments and private messages. Sorry. I thought that If I read them I would want to reply and that ment doing something about my hiatus and going back to everything, so I avoided messages, videos, livejournal, everything. Sorry.
When I started in this fandom I was in a weird place in my life. I know it's such a cliché to say that, but I was, like half living a life and half living in my imagination, and this fandom was perfect for that. When you're down, watching videos of Arashi or smap is like the perfect medicine, you feel extremely happy just watching them being silly or imagining what your life would be like if they were your friends. In this sense, fandom helped me a lot, cheered me up when I was down. But god it did screw me over. It enabled me from having a real life, from going out to the world and living all those experiences for myself. You might be wondering why I couldn't meet it halfway and actually having a fandom as a hobby and having a normal life.... well, I'm weird, and I couldn't be in the fandom halfway. I needed to watch all arashi videos (subbed or not, I knew enough japanese after a few years to understand half of it), and I also needed to watch all the videos from the rest of the groups that were interesting enough to watch. I wanted to know the latest gossips so when people talked about it I knew what they were talking about (I'm that girl that hated not being able to go to the last party cos I wouldn't know what happened and not because I wanted to have fun). I wanted to help the fandom (the fandom that helped me so much with subtitles when I didn't understand a thing) so I created the je-index. I wanted to make subtitles cos, why not, I could, and I wanted to help. I wanted to watch the last j-drama because everybody was talking about how great it was and I wanted to enjoy it too.
So, after arashi tv shows (and some smap, tokio, news and kat-tun, yeah), j-doramas (and some kdramas too), je-index (this took like 1 hour per day minimum), gossips, subbing, and just the regular fangirling with online-friends, well... I didn't had time for anything else. And it wasn't bad cos I had fun while doing all of it. But anybody could have seen that it wasn't healthy. I was pretty much all the time in my room when I was supposed to be out... just... living. I mean, it's stupid if you think about it, just spending so much time basically... watching tv. Cause that's what I was doing. Watching tv night and day.
Anyway, little by little I started going out more and doing less in the fandom. That ment basically not updating the je-index, the first sign. One month passed, two, and I kept saying to myself, "I'll get to it soon, I'll update it for sure" but I didn't, and the more time passed the more it felt like climbing a mountain, cause obviously the work just kept piling up. While all that happened, I stillwatched tv shows, jdramas, etc, but little by little I stopped doing that too. I don't remember when exactly but I remember one day thinking "hey, i haven't watched anything fandom-related in a week" and realising I was doing very good in other aspects of my life, so I thought to myself, It's better if you stop this for just a little while. And like with the je-index, when I felt like going back to see what was new, a few months had passed and it felt like a hassle to do all the things I hadn't done in 2 months, cause, like I said, I couldn't do it halfway, I wanted to either watch it all or nothing at all.
I don't know how some of you could do hiatus for a few months or like half a year and just come back after it like nothing happened. I couldn't deal with all the stuff I was missing, so one year passed, and then two. And don't misunderstand me, during all that time I had a lot of moments where I felt I wanted to go back, I wanted to see "my boys" and have a laugh just watching them doing nothing, I wanted to go back to you guys and have a laugh about the latest stupid thing that Nino and Ohno did. But all this time I was afraid. Afraid of being sucked in again, cause I still think that if I go back I need to go back in full, and I can't allow myself to do that. I'm starting to build a career and a group of friends and I just can't risk all that.
I thought a lot of times about giving the je-index to somebody. I was stupid, really, I need to apologize for this cause I kept thinking "No, I can't give this to anybody, this is like my baby and I'll go back to it eventually" but obviously I didn't and I probably never will (not like it was at least). So, even though it's probably useless now, if anybody wants the original list of files to build it again, is free to ask for it.
So... here I am. Two years later. I have no idea of what happened with the boys or in the fandom these two years. I don't know why that bothers me so much. It shouldn't. But honestly, this sometimes feels like a drug, like smoking. It's like I either quit altogether or smoke a pack per day, because smoking just one cigarette a day is too much temptation. Which means... I don't know. I don't know if I'll try and get in the fandom just a little and see if I can or if tomorrow I'll be gone again too afraid of getting sucked in. But oh well. This is what happened.
Hi again. I hope you're all doing great.
PS. I haven't read all the comments and private messages. Sorry. I thought that If I read them I would want to reply and that ment doing something about my hiatus and going back to everything, so I avoided messages, videos, livejournal, everything. Sorry.