Gift for karuchan_desu
To: karuchan_desu
From: travelingpsycho
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Title: Try
Pairing/Group: Ryo/Subaru, Kanjani8
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Notes: For karuchan_desu. I hope you like it. Thanks to my beta and my flailing buddy. ♥
Summary: It's easier to just close his eyes and trust that somehow things will work out.
Sometimes sex between them is casual, comfortable. Sometimes they lazily move together, taking their time to let the pleasure build up. Sometimes they rush, tearing off their clothes and chasing a quick release. Sometimes they talk and sometimes they laugh and sometimes they don't bother because silence is okay too.
But sometimes Subaru clings to him like a drowning man and Ryo doesn't know what to say or think. Subaru's silly more often than not, but sometimes he's so intense it's scary. The same intensity that draws fans to Subaru is overwhelming when it's focused all on one person.
It's not that Ryo's not serious about this relationship. But he's serious like a twenty-four year old sleeping with an old friend, not thinking about true love or forever or anything as complicated as that. He's serious in a way that leaves no room for that kind of passion.
He doesn't know how serious Subaru is. Maybe it's a purely physical thing, nothing to read too much into. Maybe that's just what he does. Maybe he feels the same as Ryo does, or even cares less.
Ryo doesn't ask. They're not the sort of people who talk about their feelings, their future. The kind to think about it, yes, but not to share their thoughts. It's easier to just close his eyes and trust that somehow things will work out.
For a while, they do. Subaru doesn't ask questions either, doesn't complain. If he's unhappy with the way things are, he doesn't say so. Subaru's never been good at hiding when he's upset, so maybe there's really nothing to worry about. Soon enough, Ryo forgets to wonder.
And then one day it goes wrong. They don't actually fight. Fighting would be simple, straightforward, easy to fix. Instead they just stop meeting, and even stop talking. Or, rather, Subaru stops talking and Ryo's left wondering how they can be fighting when he doesn't have a clue what went wrong.
Subaru can't avoid him completely as long as they're working together, so Ryo corners him one day at work. "If you're mad at me," he says, "Just say so."
"Who says I'm mad at you?" Subaru mutters, his angry expression and tone belying the words.
"I thought you don't lie."
"Much," Subaru corrects. It would be funny if he wasn't dead serious. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad."
"Why?" Ryo asks.
"What do you care?" Subaru shoots back.
"What do you mean, why do I care?" Ryo wasn't mad coming into this conversation, but he's starting to lose patience.
"I said I'm not mad at you. It's got nothing to do with you."
"Will you drop the denial?" Ryo snaps, fed up. "I don't know what I did to piss you off, but you can't expect me to believe you just happened to get all moody and stop talking to me at the same time."
"Just shut up!" Subaru yells. "Stop!" Ryo's taken aback at his sudden anger. "I'm trying not to mess this up, but how the hell am I supposed to if you won't let it go?"
"Let...what?" Ryo's even more lost now than he was in the first place.
"Forget it. I-"
Subaru breaks off at a loud knock at the door (which they both foolishly forgot to close). Yoko's standing in the doorway. "Sorry to interrupt your lover's quarrel, but everyone's waiting for you." The sentence is barely out of his mouth before Subaru pushes past him and out the door. Yoko watches him go, then turns back to Ryo. "Does he really like you that much?" he asks.
"Eh?" It takes Ryo a second to register the words, but they still don't make much sense. Given all the yelling, it looks like Subaru doesn't like him at all.
"Nothing," Yoko says. "Come on."
Ryo doesn't bring it up again. He thinks he should, since him and Subaru being awkward makes trouble for everyone else, but there's no point if trying to talk just makes things worse. He goes back to Tokyo for a few days right after that anyway, so it's easy enough to just let it go.
The next time they meet, Subaru's gone from sulky to silent, not saying two words to anyone unless he has to. He doesn't look angry, but maybe he's better at hiding it than Ryo gives him credit for.
Subaru being in a bad mood is common enough for people to let it go for a few days before getting nosy, but Subaru being in a bad mood and blatantly ignoring Ryo is both unusual and really damn obvious, so it's inevitable that at least one person will notice and take it upon themselves to play mediator. This time it's Yoko. "You and Subaru are still fighting, huh?" he asks Ryo.
"Are we?" He's not (just) being deliberately obtuse; they aren't so much fighting as just avoiding each other.
"Yes, you are," Yoko says, laughing shortly. "You didn't notice?"
"I don't know what's with him," Ryo grumbles. "I didn't do anything."
"Don't you think that's the problem?" Yoko asks.
"What's with all the riddles?" If no one will say anything straight out, how the hell am I supposed to know what the problem is?"
Yoko shrugs. "You know Subaru. When he's not saying way more than he should, he doesn't say anything at all. And I can't say it for him."
"Well, maybe he should," Ryo snaps. He's fed up with feeling like the bad guy here.
"Can I ask you something?" It's not like Yoko to be tactful like that, but it happens occasionally. "How do you feel about him?"
Ryo's not surprised for a second, even if he's never said a word to anyone about his relationship with Subaru. "I think he's an idiot," he says.
"Well, sure, but besides that."
"He's my friend," Ryo says, still trying to dodge the question.
Yoko raises his eyebrows. "With benefits?"
Ryo cringes. It's not like that. It wouldn't be like that, not with him and Subaru.
"No?" Yoko asks. "Then you're not just friends. What are you?"
"Currently nothing," Ryo says dryly.
"I can keep asking longer than you can avoid the question," Yoko warns. Ryo doesn't doubt it.
"I don't know," he says, frustrated. Why does it have to be so complicated? Not everything needs to be clear-cut and labelled, does it?"
"Do you love him?" Yoko asks, finally going straight to the point.
"No! Maybe. I don't know. It hasn't been that long," Ryo hedges. "How should I know?"
"Sometimes you just do," Yoko says, with an air of authority Ryo's not sure he believes.
"Well, I don't. And I'm not going to lie and say I do." Ryo sighs. He can't decide if he's mad or annoyed or something else entirely. "Is that why he's mad at me?"
"He's not mad at you," Yoko corrects. "Mostly. He's just avoiding you."
"What's the difference?"
"Just talk to him, will you?" Yoko says. "It would be nice if you could take your time working things out, but now's a bad time for it. Just talk to him, okay?"
Ryo wants to complain, but he knows Yoko's right. "I will," he says.
He has every intention of following through (eventually, when he's figured out what to say), but instead, when they finish work for the day, Ryo sees Subaru approaching him. "Can we talk?" he asks, clearly uncomfortable but firm.
"You decided to start talking to me again?" The sarcasm is reflexive. Ryo's not looking forward to this conversation, but he's relieved at the chance to clear the air between them.
"Yeah," Subaru says, not taking the bait. "I'm sorry for..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but it's obvious what he means.
"Forget it," Ryo says. "Me too."
Subaru looks around, making sure they're alone now. "About what I said," he starts. "The other day."
"Yeah?" Ryo prompts when he doesn't continue.
Subaru takes a deep breath, preparing himself for what he's about to say. "I can't." He's got his hands tucked into his long sleeves, looking like a guilty small child. "I thought if I stopped-if I left, it would be fine, but it's not. It was already too late to take it back."
"What do you mean?" Ryo asks warily, though it's not hard to guess.
"I love you," Subaru says bluntly. "I didn't want to, but I can't help it. Just like you can't help it that you don't feel the same, right?"
"Umm..." Ryo tries to find an answer. "I don't..." he tries. "I mean, I don't not, but I don't know..." He shakes his head helplessly. It's hard enough to talk about these things when he's sure how he feels, and right now he's not at all. He could fall in love with Subaru, he thinks, but he hasn't, not yet. "What do you want me to say? I really don't know. You didn't give me a chance to find out."
Subaru hangs his head even though Ryo didn't mean it as an accusation. He thinks maybe he should take it back, but it was true. The silence drags on until Subaru breaks it.
"What if..." He fidgets uncertainly. "What if we try? Like before?"
"Like...but-you-what?" Ryo fumbles for coherence. "What if I don't-what if it doesn't work?"
Subaru shrugs. "Then I'm no worse off than I am now." His tone is bland, but Ryo feels a stab of guilt anyway. "You don't have to," he continues. "But it would be a waste, don't you think, not to try? It could...we could be good."
Ryo considers Subaru, looking very small and young but also determined. He doesn't look fragile now, like he'll fall apart if whatever it is they have falls apart. "Are you sure?" he asks, more to stall than because he doubts Subaru's resolve. Subaru wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't sure.
"You sound like you're asking a girl if she's sure about losing her virginity," Subaru teases. "What do you take me for?"
The joke's a little forced, but it's true. Ryo laughs. "Sorry," he says. Then, "Sure. Okay. We can try."
"Really?" He sounds surprised.
"Just kidding. Of course really."
Subaru's grin goes from surprised to embarrassed to pleased to smug in a matter of seconds. "So," he says, now wearing more of a smirk, "I know what I'd like to try first..."
From: travelingpsycho
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Title: Try
Pairing/Group: Ryo/Subaru, Kanjani8
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Notes: For karuchan_desu. I hope you like it. Thanks to my beta and my flailing buddy. ♥
Summary: It's easier to just close his eyes and trust that somehow things will work out.
Sometimes sex between them is casual, comfortable. Sometimes they lazily move together, taking their time to let the pleasure build up. Sometimes they rush, tearing off their clothes and chasing a quick release. Sometimes they talk and sometimes they laugh and sometimes they don't bother because silence is okay too.
But sometimes Subaru clings to him like a drowning man and Ryo doesn't know what to say or think. Subaru's silly more often than not, but sometimes he's so intense it's scary. The same intensity that draws fans to Subaru is overwhelming when it's focused all on one person.
It's not that Ryo's not serious about this relationship. But he's serious like a twenty-four year old sleeping with an old friend, not thinking about true love or forever or anything as complicated as that. He's serious in a way that leaves no room for that kind of passion.
He doesn't know how serious Subaru is. Maybe it's a purely physical thing, nothing to read too much into. Maybe that's just what he does. Maybe he feels the same as Ryo does, or even cares less.
Ryo doesn't ask. They're not the sort of people who talk about their feelings, their future. The kind to think about it, yes, but not to share their thoughts. It's easier to just close his eyes and trust that somehow things will work out.
For a while, they do. Subaru doesn't ask questions either, doesn't complain. If he's unhappy with the way things are, he doesn't say so. Subaru's never been good at hiding when he's upset, so maybe there's really nothing to worry about. Soon enough, Ryo forgets to wonder.
And then one day it goes wrong. They don't actually fight. Fighting would be simple, straightforward, easy to fix. Instead they just stop meeting, and even stop talking. Or, rather, Subaru stops talking and Ryo's left wondering how they can be fighting when he doesn't have a clue what went wrong.
Subaru can't avoid him completely as long as they're working together, so Ryo corners him one day at work. "If you're mad at me," he says, "Just say so."
"Who says I'm mad at you?" Subaru mutters, his angry expression and tone belying the words.
"I thought you don't lie."
"Much," Subaru corrects. It would be funny if he wasn't dead serious. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad."
"Why?" Ryo asks.
"What do you care?" Subaru shoots back.
"What do you mean, why do I care?" Ryo wasn't mad coming into this conversation, but he's starting to lose patience.
"I said I'm not mad at you. It's got nothing to do with you."
"Will you drop the denial?" Ryo snaps, fed up. "I don't know what I did to piss you off, but you can't expect me to believe you just happened to get all moody and stop talking to me at the same time."
"Just shut up!" Subaru yells. "Stop!" Ryo's taken aback at his sudden anger. "I'm trying not to mess this up, but how the hell am I supposed to if you won't let it go?"
"Let...what?" Ryo's even more lost now than he was in the first place.
"Forget it. I-"
Subaru breaks off at a loud knock at the door (which they both foolishly forgot to close). Yoko's standing in the doorway. "Sorry to interrupt your lover's quarrel, but everyone's waiting for you." The sentence is barely out of his mouth before Subaru pushes past him and out the door. Yoko watches him go, then turns back to Ryo. "Does he really like you that much?" he asks.
"Eh?" It takes Ryo a second to register the words, but they still don't make much sense. Given all the yelling, it looks like Subaru doesn't like him at all.
"Nothing," Yoko says. "Come on."
Ryo doesn't bring it up again. He thinks he should, since him and Subaru being awkward makes trouble for everyone else, but there's no point if trying to talk just makes things worse. He goes back to Tokyo for a few days right after that anyway, so it's easy enough to just let it go.
The next time they meet, Subaru's gone from sulky to silent, not saying two words to anyone unless he has to. He doesn't look angry, but maybe he's better at hiding it than Ryo gives him credit for.
Subaru being in a bad mood is common enough for people to let it go for a few days before getting nosy, but Subaru being in a bad mood and blatantly ignoring Ryo is both unusual and really damn obvious, so it's inevitable that at least one person will notice and take it upon themselves to play mediator. This time it's Yoko. "You and Subaru are still fighting, huh?" he asks Ryo.
"Are we?" He's not (just) being deliberately obtuse; they aren't so much fighting as just avoiding each other.
"Yes, you are," Yoko says, laughing shortly. "You didn't notice?"
"I don't know what's with him," Ryo grumbles. "I didn't do anything."
"Don't you think that's the problem?" Yoko asks.
"What's with all the riddles?" If no one will say anything straight out, how the hell am I supposed to know what the problem is?"
Yoko shrugs. "You know Subaru. When he's not saying way more than he should, he doesn't say anything at all. And I can't say it for him."
"Well, maybe he should," Ryo snaps. He's fed up with feeling like the bad guy here.
"Can I ask you something?" It's not like Yoko to be tactful like that, but it happens occasionally. "How do you feel about him?"
Ryo's not surprised for a second, even if he's never said a word to anyone about his relationship with Subaru. "I think he's an idiot," he says.
"Well, sure, but besides that."
"He's my friend," Ryo says, still trying to dodge the question.
Yoko raises his eyebrows. "With benefits?"
Ryo cringes. It's not like that. It wouldn't be like that, not with him and Subaru.
"No?" Yoko asks. "Then you're not just friends. What are you?"
"Currently nothing," Ryo says dryly.
"I can keep asking longer than you can avoid the question," Yoko warns. Ryo doesn't doubt it.
"I don't know," he says, frustrated. Why does it have to be so complicated? Not everything needs to be clear-cut and labelled, does it?"
"Do you love him?" Yoko asks, finally going straight to the point.
"No! Maybe. I don't know. It hasn't been that long," Ryo hedges. "How should I know?"
"Sometimes you just do," Yoko says, with an air of authority Ryo's not sure he believes.
"Well, I don't. And I'm not going to lie and say I do." Ryo sighs. He can't decide if he's mad or annoyed or something else entirely. "Is that why he's mad at me?"
"He's not mad at you," Yoko corrects. "Mostly. He's just avoiding you."
"What's the difference?"
"Just talk to him, will you?" Yoko says. "It would be nice if you could take your time working things out, but now's a bad time for it. Just talk to him, okay?"
Ryo wants to complain, but he knows Yoko's right. "I will," he says.
He has every intention of following through (eventually, when he's figured out what to say), but instead, when they finish work for the day, Ryo sees Subaru approaching him. "Can we talk?" he asks, clearly uncomfortable but firm.
"You decided to start talking to me again?" The sarcasm is reflexive. Ryo's not looking forward to this conversation, but he's relieved at the chance to clear the air between them.
"Yeah," Subaru says, not taking the bait. "I'm sorry for..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but it's obvious what he means.
"Forget it," Ryo says. "Me too."
Subaru looks around, making sure they're alone now. "About what I said," he starts. "The other day."
"Yeah?" Ryo prompts when he doesn't continue.
Subaru takes a deep breath, preparing himself for what he's about to say. "I can't." He's got his hands tucked into his long sleeves, looking like a guilty small child. "I thought if I stopped-if I left, it would be fine, but it's not. It was already too late to take it back."
"What do you mean?" Ryo asks warily, though it's not hard to guess.
"I love you," Subaru says bluntly. "I didn't want to, but I can't help it. Just like you can't help it that you don't feel the same, right?"
"Umm..." Ryo tries to find an answer. "I don't..." he tries. "I mean, I don't not, but I don't know..." He shakes his head helplessly. It's hard enough to talk about these things when he's sure how he feels, and right now he's not at all. He could fall in love with Subaru, he thinks, but he hasn't, not yet. "What do you want me to say? I really don't know. You didn't give me a chance to find out."
Subaru hangs his head even though Ryo didn't mean it as an accusation. He thinks maybe he should take it back, but it was true. The silence drags on until Subaru breaks it.
"What if..." He fidgets uncertainly. "What if we try? Like before?"
"Like...but-you-what?" Ryo fumbles for coherence. "What if I don't-what if it doesn't work?"
Subaru shrugs. "Then I'm no worse off than I am now." His tone is bland, but Ryo feels a stab of guilt anyway. "You don't have to," he continues. "But it would be a waste, don't you think, not to try? It could...we could be good."
Ryo considers Subaru, looking very small and young but also determined. He doesn't look fragile now, like he'll fall apart if whatever it is they have falls apart. "Are you sure?" he asks, more to stall than because he doubts Subaru's resolve. Subaru wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't sure.
"You sound like you're asking a girl if she's sure about losing her virginity," Subaru teases. "What do you take me for?"
The joke's a little forced, but it's true. Ryo laughs. "Sorry," he says. Then, "Sure. Okay. We can try."
"Really?" He sounds surprised.
"Just kidding. Of course really."
Subaru's grin goes from surprised to embarrassed to pleased to smug in a matter of seconds. "So," he says, now wearing more of a smirk, "I know what I'd like to try first..."