Team AU, Prompt 7: I can see fairies.
Title: Tales of a Psychiatric Patient
Pairing/Group: Kanjani8, KAT-TUN, NEWS, with apparences of Yamashita, Akanishi, Nagase, Inagaki, Kusano, Koyama/Ryo (friendship), Ryo/Shige (friendship; patient/psychiatrist), Ryo/Ueda
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: mental illnesses
Summary: The difference between sane and insane can’t be truthfully defined.
Nishikido Ryo, age: twenty-seven, disorder: schizophrenia. Date admitted: October 29th; stay period: unknown.
What you hear about mental institutions aren’t always what it appears, it’s not all smiles and trying to help. Nishikido could tell you that. And it isn’t all depressing and rude doctors either. It’s like a community with all different types of people who just live their lives as best they can.
Notes: So N-chan sent me a study a month or so ago, called: On Being Sane in Insane Places. It was a very interesting study that I felt matched my prompt perfectly. All parts indicated by a single asterisk (*) are from the book which can be read here.
To raise questions regarding normality and abnormality is in no way to question the fact that some behaviors are deviant or odd. Murder is deviant. So, too, are hallucinations. Nor does raising such questions deny the existence of the personal anguish that is often associated with "mental illness." Anxiety and depression exist. Psychological suffering exists. But normality and abnormality, sanity and insanity, and the diagnoses that flow from them may be less substantive than many believe them to be.*
In the end no matter how you look at it, hospitals are freaky.
Ryo stands in the middle of the open room with big windows and soft couches in his blue pants and white t-shirt, rubbing a hand along his forearm. The slippers leave his toes cold; he wiggles them around but keeps his eyes trained on the room and all the figures walking about. Young and old, skinny and fat, all different types of people in this once place. It’s smells sterile and antiseptic through out the entire building leaving a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“You’ll get used to it,” Inagaki Goro, his interviewing physician, says evenly when Ryo voiced his concerns at the end of the interview. “It’s the least of your worries.” Regardless, the smell still unnerves him; it’s only been an hour and already Ryo is greatly regretting his decision on conducting this experiment.
-
The mind is an interesting thing.
On file and to all the doctors in the hospital, Nishikido Ryo is labeled as a schizophrenic.
He sits in the soft office chair with his hands in his lap and his head tilted down, eyes darting around the room. There’s a hole in his sneaker that he never noticed till now, but it’s not really important. “I hear...” Ryo trails off tilting his head up a little to glance at Inagaki. “voices.” He says weakly and clears his throat.
Inagaki hums and scribbles something on a paper. “What do they say?”
Ryo doesn’t think he’s a good actor and he’s constantly worried that he’ll be found out as a fake before this is over. “To harm people.” He looks Inagaki in the eye as he says this and presses his lips into a thin line. The hair on the back of his neck is standing on end and he can feel the sweat on his palms. “Like, when you see that person on the street pass you by and they’re just loitering around, not doing anything useful, taking up space. Taking up air.”
He’s not serious of course, which is probably why saying all this makes his stomach wrench and his throat dry. It’s a terrible lie and he just knows that Inagaki doesn't believe him. He’s going to be kicked out on his ass and told to stop fucking around and making fun of the mentally ill.
Inagaki places his pen down on the clipboard and folds his hands looking at Ryo pointedly. “I’d like to admit you for a while.”
Ryo feels like he’s going to throw up.
-
“I feel like I’m in AA.” Ryo crosses his arms but takes a seat in the circle of chairs.
Yamashita, a volunteer, clears his throat. "You shouldn't joke about that Nishikido.” Ryo’s positive that the lack of honorifics is because Yamashita was in this place before, and their closeness in age. “Those people have serious problems." He nods his head at one of the other patients.
Ryo snorts but doesn’t comment.
Group therapy is not something Ryo particularly likes, but he has a hard time talking about himself so he passes when it’s his turn. He learns about the others anyway. Koyama, the tall guy that seems to be all limbs all the time who can’t keep still no matter what, is OCD. Ryo watches him closely as he talks. He taps his foot exactly fifteen times when he starts on something (he only counted because it was getting annoying). He also moves his hands in this particular way that is not only distracting, but incredibly precise in a way someone that jittery shouldn't be. Ryo yawns during his talking. This Koyama guy is also very long winded.
These group therapy sessions are going to kill him.
-
There is something about waking up in a hospital, with bare white walls, and open windows with curtains that block out basically nothing. It’s annoying honestly. It’s exactly six am when a very pretty nurse with light brown hair pulled back into a tight pony tail comes in the room making sure he does not fall back asleep. The shorter strands of her hair are falling from their confines and into her face but it’s cute. She’s shoving a small cup into Ryo’s hands.
“Um.” Ryo eyes the pill carefully. He had nearly forgotten that he’d be forced to take things like these. He tilts his head back letting the pills fall into his mouth, shivering when the touch his tongue but otherwise doesn’t do anything. He makes sure they don’t slip down his throat. Ryo coughs, slipping the pills into his hand. He’ll hide those later.
Ryo stares at the man, at least he thinks that’s a man, that comes into the room behind the nurse. There’s neat, platinum blonde hair styled to perfection and a small figure that makes the blah of hospital clothes not seem so depressing.
“This is Tegoshi Yuya,” the nurse says with a small smile. “Your roommate.”
Tegoshi flashes a smile at Ryo that speaks more volumes than any words they could have exchanged would.
-
November 4th
Tegoshi Yuya; age 24; diagnosed with Hypersexuality Disorder
I spent an entire hour with this man who is now my new roommate and he seems normal enough at first glance but his mood shifts greatly at any given moment.
We talked, but he controlled most of our conversations which greatly consisted of anything sex related. He would explain these fantasies to me. Some more detailed than other. There’s a concentrated look on his face when he talks about this stuff giving the illusion that he stops to think greatly on how he wants to engage in his sexual activities, the type of person he wants for each time, and where he wants to do it.
I tried to drift the conversation into another direction a few times but each time he noticed that it wouldn’t lead to sex he would glare at me darkly.
-
After a few days of being in the hospital, Ryo relaxes a little. He’s less on edge on being found out as a fraud and kicked out. But there are times, times when the other patients look at him that makes his skin crawl. It’s those same patients though that he goes out of his way to talk to.
Standing in that big open room again where everyone seems to “mingle” (if you can call it that), always leaves Ryo feeling lost and questioning why he’s conducting this experiment.
“You should make some friends, Ryo.” Yamashita says behind him. Already on a first name basis. “It makes the time go by faster.”
Ryo snorts. “I’m not so good with people.”
“Best place to get better at it.” They look at each other for a moment before Yamashita gives a reassuring smile. It bothers Ryo a bit, but it’s the thought that counts. “How do you feel anyway?”
“Um, fine?” He’s not really sure how to answer that, but he was told to behave normally.
“Well if you ever need to talk--”
Ryo turns away and starts to walk off. “I don’t need your ‘I’m always here to listen’ crap.”
Yamashita gives a good laugh. “I didn’t mean me, I meant...others. You get some good listeners in a psychiatric hospital, even if they don’t always know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t say.”
“I hear Ueda over there is a good listener.” Yamashita points in the direction of a young man sitting next to the window with short, pitch black hair no longer than two inches. He’s staring off into the distance at something that no one else can see. Ryo’s about to turn around and say something smart about how he doesn’t need a space cadet listening to him, but Yamashita is already walking away to another group therapy session.
-
“You are going to have to talk at some point, Ryo.” Yamashita says with a voice of authority. “It’s been three weeks and you haven’t said a word.”
Ryo shrugs. “I’ll get around to it.” He looks around the circle not really interested in telling his life story at the moment. It’s not like he’s actually crazy anyway. Ryo knows very well he’s being difficult. But he’s always difficult. “Why don’t you get fat Jin over there to talk. He’s new to the circle.”
“Who are you calling fat?” Jin asks rather loudly. He’s got long hair that’s pulled up into a messy pony tail on the top of his head almost. “You’re only a sack of bones.”
Ryo laughs. “I just know how to say no to a cheeseburger.” His laugh is cut short when a heavy body is pressed on top of his and he’s pinned to the ground. There’s noise all around. Yamashita is calling for one of the nurses to get the doctors in here. The other patients are making noise as well. He’s pretty sure he hears crying off to his right. When he tries to turn his head while pushing at Jin to get him off but having no luck he sees Inagaki standing in the doorway shaking his head with a sigh. Shit.
-
November 29th
Jin (surname unknown); age aprox. 28; diagnosed with Bipolar disorder
Today I was not expecting to be physically assaulted by this guy. The rules of the experiment were for me to act as I normally do, so instinctively I poked fun at the guy. One second he was laughing it up with the person next to him (I think it was Shirota Yuu) and the next he was trying to claw at my throat.
I haven’t seen much of him around, Jin’s new, but from what I’ve overheard this isn't the first time it’s happened. I’ve also seen his mood change quickly in the few days here’s been here.
-
“Nishikido-kun, you don’t have a history with getting violent with people.” Inagaki says with a hard look. “What seems to be the problem? Are the voices back?”
Ryo pauses for a moment. He didn’t exactly have an explanation on the day’s events during group therapy. “Y-yes.” He swallows hard.
Inagaki writes something on a notepad. Ryo really wishes he knew what it was but doesn’t dwell on it. “We’re going to change your medication. You have been taking it, right?”
“Of course.” Ryo immediately thinks to every single pill he has flushed down the toilet in the past month and feels a little bad for lying.
The doctor nods, one of the curls in the perfect hair that is exactly the same every day Ryo sees him, dangling in Inagaki’s face moves. “I’m taking you out of group therapy for a while.” Ryo smiles brightly. “But in exchange you have to talk to another psychiatrist daily.”
Ryo doesn’t know if that’s better or worse but for now he’ll take it.
When he slips out of Inagaki’s office he comes face to face with that Ueda guy who stares at him blankly, face void of all emotion. His eyes look hollow and empty.
“Um, hello.”
Ueda only blinks at him looking him up and down. “They told me.”
Ryo raises an eyebrow and looks up and down the hall for another doctor. “Who?”
“The fairies.”
“Fairies...” Ryo says slowly not really sure what it is that Ueda means. “And what did they tell you?”
Ueda leans in close, his lips just brushing against Ryo’s ear. “Your sins.” And with that he walks down the hall gracefully, his long white sweater trailing behind him.
Ryo’s hair is standing on end for the rest of the day.
-
December 2nd
Tegoshi Yuya, the Hypersexual
By now we’ve gotten used to each other, but I’ve noticed that Tegoshi likes to leer at people I suppose. He’ll give these long looks that speak so many intentions, and all of them dirty. There have been nights where I wake up to him masturbating in bed, not even trying to be quiet about it. He lists off the names of some of the more attractive nurses as he does so. Each time it’s a different name and he’ll go on for hours with short intervals in between.
The other night, after everyone was in their rooms for the night, Tegoshi was acting a bit odd. He kept moving around, talking about nothing. After a while he’d sit down next to me and keep touching my arm. I’d shrug him off and tell him to stop being weird and suddenly he’d get loud and crabby. Yelling out random things then calm down again. This went on for hours until he settled down on his bed and went to sleep.
I woke up around 4 am I think it was. Tegoshi was hovering over me and pinning me to my own bed.
-
“What the fuck?” There is a heavy weight on top of Ryo’s body pinning him to the bed. He supposes that Tegoshi’s bright hair is a god send since he can see it in the pitch black room, but it wouldn’t really be anyone else trying to get it on with his leg right now. “Get off of me!” He tries to throw the other off him.
Tegoshi’s leaning down and licking at the shell of his ear. If it wasn’t for the fact that Tegoshi is off his fucking rocker, Ryo would admit that this is kind of hot. He’s whispering dirty things in his ear now. Things Ryo would never even repeat. The thought alone of all the things Tegoshi wants to do makes him sick.
Somehow Ryo manages to remove Tegoshi from off his person. He’s scrambling to get off the bed, Tegoshi sitting on the floor glaring at him, snarling even. “Anytime today!” Ryo bangs on the door because he knows that by now someone is bound to hear the noise they are making.
It’s a great inconvenience rooming with Tegoshi. Due to his little problem their door is locked at night thus leaving Ryo the only one subjected to Tegoshi’s advances.
“God dammit,” he yells and starts kicking the door.
Tegoshi’s looking at him with lust filled eyes. He looks like a wild animal ready to pounce on his prey.
“Touch me again.” Ryo warns with a glare. He picks up his pillow and uses it as a shield knowing full well that a pillow isn’t capable of much, but it’s the mindset. “Go on try it and I’ll break every bone in your fucking body.”
Tegoshi is on his knees pulling at the drawstring of Ryo’s pants before Ryo even realizes it. Ryo starts hitting him with the pillow, calling out, yelling, screaming for help. “Are you all fucking deaf?!” His back is pressed up against the door when it opens having him fall to the ground in a heap with Tegoshi’s face pressed into his crotch.
Ryo scrambles back until he’s far into the hall and pressed against the other wall. “About fucking time.” He holds the pillow close to his body eyes wide staring at Tegoshi, praying he doesn’t make a move.
“Oh, not again.” The night nurse says with a sigh.
“Again!?” Ryo all but screams. “This has happened before?!”
The nurse disregards him and goes to take care of Tegoshi. “He’s afraid.” Ueda’s voice says softly from behind him. His room is in the next hall over so it’s strange that he’s even over here.
“Of what?” He glances to look at Ueda.
“Being alone. Unloved.”
“Did your fairies tell you that?”
-
Gestalt psychology made the point vigorously, and Asch demonstrated that there are "central" personality traits (such as "warm" versus "cold") which are so powerful that they markedly color the meaning of other information in forming an impression of a given personality. "Insane," "schizophrenic," "manic-depressive," and "crazy" are probably among the most powerful of such central traits. Once a person is designated abnormal, all of his other behaviors and characteristics are colored by that label.*
In the morning Ryo is moved to Ueda’s room. It was stated that it’s best for Tegoshi to be alone and Ryo couldn’t agree more. The idea of being attacked in his sleep again like that is enough to make him fight through the heaviness of his eyelids a couple of days until finally he can’t even think and sleeps like a baby.
Ryo doesn’t mind being around Ueda, even if he is a bit weird. Ueda is quiet and stares off into space a lot. Though Ryo thinks that’s him and the “fairies” having their moment. He’s never actually asked about the fairies, or anything regarding Ueda. They don’t talk. It’s a comfortable silence most days that Ryo enjoys.
Other than the mention of fairies, Ryo didn’t actually think there was anything wrong with Ueda. He seems quite normal. But as he has learned that things are always what they appear.
It happens late one night and Ryo is lying comfortably in bed just about to drift off to sleep when he hears mumbling from Ueda’s side of the room. He can’t make it out at first but it’s there. As it progresses it gets louder until the words are clear and precise. Ryo’s sure he’s never heard that much out of the other before today. After a while the loudness in Ueda’s voice turns to sobbing and it pains Ryo so much to lie there in the dark acting like he’s asleep.
December 10th
Ueda (given name unknown); age aprox. 28; Disorder Unknown
He’s a strange one. Each encounter we’ve had thus far Ueda has mentioned to me something about fairies. I’m not sure what these fairies are, or what Ueda’s disorder is but apparently they tell him things. He usually starts off with “They told me” and then goes on with whatever it is. By now I’ve come to learn that it is usually these “fairies” that he talks to.
After the Tegoshi incident I’ve been paired with Ueda for rooms which seems better because I don’t think I need to be worried about being assaulted at night. But there is something strange.
Last night Ueda was mumbling to himself about something. I couldn’t make out the words, they were too soft and his voice too quiet. But then he got louder to the point he was almost screaming. I don’t think he was loud enough to cause a problem though because no one came to check up on him. He quieted down after a while and started to sob.
From all the research I’ve done before coming here I don’t recall ever hearing about something like this; someone like him.
-
“This is the third time I’ve beaten you,” Koyama says. He’s not as jumpy as when Ryo first met him, but he still does that annoying foot tapping.
Ryo looks down at the checkers board. “Fuck!”
Koyama covers his ears at Ryo’s language as always. Sometimes, Ryo thinks, he’s too much of a child for his own good. “Where is your brain today?”
“Checkers is boring.” Ryo sits back in his chair letting his eyes gaze around the day room. It’s darker than usually due to the heavy downpour outside making the sky a dark depressing gray. The half of the room closest to the windows is dark, only light up by the natural light of the world at the moment. “Can’t you pick a more stimulating game?”
“See something you like, Ryo-kun?”
“Oh Jesus fuck--can you not do that!?” Ryo turns around to glare at his personal psychiatrist. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that, Kato?”
“So when I’m not bothering you we’re on first name basis, but when I’m a pain it’s Kato.” He laughs full heartedly and stands up straight. “Good to know.”
“I think you’re too young for this job.” Ryo scowls getting up from the chair. He casts a glance in Ueda’s direction before ruffling Koyama’s hair. “Rematch when I get back.”
-
“I enjoy going to your office so much more than Inagaki’s.” Ryo settles into the big leather chair folding his feet up under him. “I fucking love this chair, have I said that?”
Shige laughs and takes off the stupid white lab coat all doctors are supposed to wear when making rounds. It makes him look old and like he’s supposed to be some higher being than the patients. At least, that’s how Ryo described it. “Only, like, every time you come here.”
“I want one of these in my house when I go home. It’s like heaven for your ass.” Ryo shifts around in the chair getting comfortable. “So...how’s Tegoshi?”
Shige pauses and looks at him with worried eyes. “You’re okay to talk about that?”
Ryo scoffs. “Please, it’s not like I was traumatized. Give me the dirty deets.”
“You act like this is high school, Ryo.” Shige seems very amused by Ryo’s interest in everything.
“Oh come on!” Ryo moves to the edge of his seat. “Do you know how bored I am in this place. This is my only fun. Sure being sexually assaulted by Tegoshi was a little freaky but I’m not so far cracked that it’s going to scar me for life.”
“These sessions are for your improvement though. Inagaki-san said--”
“Do you always listen to Inagaki?”
Shige scowls. “No.”
“Do you really think talking about my outburst with Jin back in...November is really going to,” he puts his hands up in the air to make air quotes, “solve anything? He’s the one who attacked me.”
“You instigated it.” Shige points out looking at some notes in Ryo’s file.
“..true. But come on!” He’s beginning to whine.
“Let’s talk about something else. How’s rooming with Ueda?” Shige closes the folder and leans back in his chair looking relaxed.
“Don’t pull that reversed physiology bullshit on me.” Ryo laughs getting up from that heaven for your ass chair he loves so much. “I have older brothers. I know how it works.”
Shige raises his hands up in the air. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Ryo eyes him carefully before sitting back down.
-
One night Ryo wakes to a poking in his shoulder. It’s soft, almost hesitant, but hard enough to pull him slightly from his sleep. Without opening his eyes Ryo shakes a hand in the direction of the offender. “Go away...” he grumbles rolling onto his side facing the window.
The poking stops for a minute but starts back up again just as Ryo’s about to slip into dreamland once more.
“Whaaaaaat?” He whines rolling over to stare up at Ueda. He almost looks like a creature from another world in the moonlight that reflects off his white long sleeved shirt slipping off Ueda’s shoulder. His pants are loose around his frame but tied tightly in place keeping them from slipping off his thin hips.
Ueda’s voice is soft and quiet but it seems to bounce off the walls in the silent room. “I can’t sleep.”
Ryo stares up at the ceiling for a moment then sighs. “What are you, five?” He sits up regardless making room for Ueda to sit along with him. “Why don’t you talk to your fairies?”
Ueda looks so tiny on the bed next to him, hugging his knees to his chest. “They’re gone.”
“Maybe they went to go pester someone else for a while.”
“But they’ve never left before!” Ueda looks at him frantically with scared eyes. “They’ve always been there, telling me things I don’t want to hear but have no choice but to hear. Whispering to themselves, to me. Telling secrets, making assumptions.” He breaks out into a sob. Thin shoulders shake as tears run down his cheeks and suddenly Ryo has no idea what to do.
-
It took him a few days to think of something, but Ryo came to the conclusion that it was time to do some snooping. Of course, it’s a lot harder in a mental hospital, you really have to know who to ask, and how to ask it. He goes for the patients that seem to have a better grasp on reality, which sadly are few in numbers.
“Say, Koyama.” Ryo starts casually as they play a very sad game of go fish. “How long have you been here?”
Koyama stops to think about it for a moment. He’s still tapping his foot, but Ryo notices that it’s down from 15 taps in a row to 8, and the intervals between each set are greater. “One year, three months, two weeks, and five days.”
Ryo laughs. “I didn’t ask for your life story.”
Koyama tilts his head missing the joke.
“Forget it.” He lays out three cards on the table. “I’m winning.”
“What?” Koyama pouts and looks down at the table between them. “Not fair.” Some time passes between them before Koyama adds more to the conversation. “Nagase-san has been here the longest I think.”
“Nagase...?”
Koyama nods. “Do you have any three’s?”
Ryo hands over the cards without much thought. “Wasn’t there like a famous rock star by that name?”
“That’s the one!” The smile Koyama gives is large and bright. It’s bigger than any other smile Ryo has seen Koyama give since he’s been here. “Though he’s not really rockstar-ish anymore.” He leans over the table closer to Koyama. “Too many drugs. Messed up his head.”
Ryo nods absently taking in this information. “Who else has been here a while?”
“Um,” Koyama takes a glance around the day room. “There’s Nakamaru-kun. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic. And... Kusano, and Ueda-kun’s been here a while I think. At least he was here when I got here.”
“He’s a quiet one.”
“Oh but he’s really nice and--” Koyama stops short when Shige comes up behind Ryo. “Hi Shige.” He waves slightly, but looks a little put off by the serious look on Shige’s face.
“I need to talk to you. Now.” Shige doesn’t wait for an answer and heads out of the day room and back to his office assuming Ryo will so be behind him.
Sharing a look with Koyama, Ryo places the cards down on the table promising they’ll play again later. He’s gotten kind of fond of Koyama, even if the foot tapping pisses him off.
-
Shige doesn’t actually say anything important once they’re in his office, but Ryo can feel the tension in the air. Shige is stiff and on edge, and suddenly Ryo begins to panic. He’s been found out, he knows it. Shige knows that he’s not really insane and is going to have him leave and then Ryo’s research will be for nothing and he won’t get the credit and--
“Ueda’s been talking about you lately.”
What? “I’m sorry...?”
Shige looks at him for a long hard moment, expression unreadable, before sitting down and opening a folder. “I do private sessions with him as well. He can’t handle group at the moment. He’s been talking about you.”
Ryo doesn’t understand what Shige is telling him. He pushes the big heavy guest chair (that he loves so much) closer to Shige’s desk. “Spit it out Kato.”
“I’m just saying, that he’s taken an interest in you.”
“Is this some way to get me to talk about how rooming with him is? Because I’ll walk out of that fucking door right now. I swear to--”
Shige laughs. “No, it’s not like that.” He writes something down in Ryo’s file. Shit like that pisses him off. He is right the fuck there! “I want you to keep an eye on him and go with him to group tomorrow.”
“Now you’re sounding crazy--I’m not allowed in group.” Ryo points out tapping one of Shige’s pens on his desk. This whole experiment is a pain in his ass. “And you just said--”
“It’s one day.” Shige assures him. “I trust you more than I trust some of the other doctors. Try not to get in trouble.”
-
December 21st
Ueda hasn’t said a word to anyone in three days, not me, not anyone who seems ‘close’ to him, and not the other doctors. He was silent during group, I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not. Kato (my personal psychiatrist ) told me to keep an eye on him, but I don’t know what that means. And I’m not sure what he means by “he trusts me”.
-
What are the origins of depersonalization? I have already mentioned two. First are attitudes held by all of us toward the mentally ill -- including those who treat them -- attitudes characterized by fear, distrust, and horrible expectations on the one hand, and benevolent intentions on the other. Our ambivalence leads, in this instance as in others, to avoidance.*
He didn’t notice at first, not until it was too late, but something weird was going on in the hospital and for once it wasn’t the the patients. It all happened so suddenly. There was a loud banging, some yelling, and then he heard Ueda.
Ryo rolled over in his bed to find out why the other was making so much noise early in the morning to not their usual nurse standing at the door with their pills. “Where’s Erika-chan?” He asked with a yawn and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Don’t worry about her.” The new nurse was a fairly large man, had some weight on him unlike Ueda and Ryo himself. In no time he was in Ryo’s space trying to force the medication at him.
Ryo struggled and managed to get to another part of the room. “Whoa man, let’s calm down. Hand me the pills and I’ll gladly take them.” The nurse wouldn’t listen. This was a non negotiable situation. Without risking a glance to check on Ueda, Ryo ran out of the room shouting. “I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I’m not buying what you’re selling.”
He ran into the day room, still empty in the early hours with the rather large nurse right behind him. Ryo likes to think he’s good on his feet, he keeps moving to avoid being caught and making noise to gather some attention. He sees a few of the other patients file into the doorways of the day room but not the one he’s looking for. He’s prancing around the room now just to keep away from the guy, but it’s hard when trying to keep a lookout for someone as well and this was Ryo’s down fall.
Ending up back into the narrow hallway by his and Ueda’s room was part of Ryo’s plan. The part where he ends up on the ground helpless though was not. Ryo practically chokes as the medication is basically forced into his mouth and he’s being pinned down until he swallows it.
Never had he seen Ueda so active since they had met, and he never would have thought that Ueda of all people would have some fight in him.
Ryo takes in a deep breath of air when the sudden weight is off him. He chokes up the pills and spits them onto the floor. “That could have gone better,” he says taking a cautious glance in the nurse’s direction. He’s lying on the ground and appears to be unconscious. Ryo doesn’t really want to take any chances though and waves Ueda over to him.
Inagaki’s going to have his ass for this mess now. Maybe this experiment was a bad idea.
-
Ideally, Ryo should be glad he hasn’t been called to talk to Shige in three days, but there’s something unsettling about it. Inagaki hasn’t yelled at him yet for the incident either, and it’s been over a week. He heard some of the other doctors talking about him being at some type of convention. His stomach is constantly in knots waiting out the days till he comes back. God knows what “punishment” he’ll have for this mess. Maybe they’ll keep in him confinement or something.
Right now though he’s more worried about Ueda. He hasn’t seen Ueda at all. How can you lose someone in a mental hospital? It’s a hospital! Even though he’s a bit worried about this turn of events he doesn’t voice it to anyone. Not even to Koyama who has become his unspoken best friend in this entire place. But he knows that will soon end as well. Koyama’s getting better he notices. Not as jittery, he rarely ever taps his foot now. Ryo wonders how long until Koyama will leave. But he also wonders how long he’ll be there as well.
-
The day Ueda shows up again the day room is dreary and depressing. It’s oddly quiet and somewhat lifeless. Ryo’s just gotten back from being chewed out by Inagaki, saying that this is his final warning not to fuck around and cause a problem. But he didn’t say it like that of course.
“You’re setting a bad example, and causing a disruption.” His voice was hard. “Don’t do it again.”
Ryo’s not really sure what Inagaki’s going to do if he causes anymore trouble but frankly he’d rather not find out. While although the man seems pretty laid back when he wants to, he scares the crap out of Ryo and that is enough (at this point) to keep him on his best behavior. But he still can’t help but be ticked off by the entire situation.
“It’s not like I wanted to cause a problem.” He says to Masuda, the new group therapy guy. (Ryo was permitted back to group at the beginning of the week and personal sessions in the middle.) “I just wasn’t cool with the fact that some dude is trying to shove a pill down my throat. I’m a human, I have rights.”
“Sometimes they forget that Nishikido-kun.” Masuda is very patient with Ryo and doesn't flinch every time he curses unlike Koyama.
Ryo sighs and crosses his arms as they enter the day room. “Yeah, well it’s bullshit.” He already knew what he could be getting into though from the start. He’s read studies before on other hospitals, this isn’t the first time shit like that has happened, he just never believed it before. “It’s like they’re disregarding the fact that you still have a brain....” He trails off when coming face to face with Ueda for the first time in what felt like forever.
Ueda doesn’t say anything, in fact he backs away from Ryo and Masuda looking momentarily frightened. This causes Ryo to narrow his eyes but stay where he is. Ueda looks at him coldly but with caution. It’s like he’s guarding himself from a wild animal.
Shige shows up before he can ask Ueda what’s wrong. The look that crosses Shige’s face when he notices Ryo unnerves him even more. Now he knows something is wrong.
-
“They told me.” Ueda’s voice is soft in the quiet room. It’s probably long after midnight by now, but Ryo can’t sleep. It’s been like that for days. Everything seems to quiet lately.
Ryo jumps in his bed, startled by the break in the silence. He rolls over and sits up but looks down at his legs under the blanket. “Your fairies?”
Ueda hums.
It feels like Ryo’s throat is closing at the thought of what Ueda could possibly say next but he manages to choke the next words out. “What did they say?”
“A story about a cunning wolf who befriended a rabbit by pretending to be nice. Gave the appearance of being kind and caring, only to kill it in the end.” Ueda was looking at Ryo now, face void of all expression. “You don’t actually belong here.”
-
January 16th
All this time I was worried about one of the doctor’s figuring me out but it never occurred to me that perhaps another patient would.
I still don’t know about this Ueda guy, I don’t know who to ask, or try to get information out of. He doesn’t solidly fit any of the things that I have studied. He’s like an enigma.
-
“Kato.” Ryo says bursting into Shige’s office one afternoon with no disregard to anyone else perhaps being in there.
Shige looks shocked for a split second. “You’re appointment isn’t till three.”
“Too bad. It’s important.” Ryo’s not taking no for an answer. He’s tired of getting creepy looks and having his skin crawl and his hair stand on end. It’s been weeks since Ueda has busted him and he hasn’t said a word since. He avoids Ryo at all costs and it’s driving him insane. Which is ironic since he’s already in a facility to take care of shit like that.
“Ryo-chan....” Koyama’s voice comes from Ryo’s “heaven for your ass” chair and suddenly Ryo realises that Shige was in the middle of a session.
“Three...” He nods looking at Koyama for a moment with sad eyes. “Got it.”
He steps out into the hallway closing the door behind him and leaning on it with a sigh. He never thought he’d become attached to someone in this place, let alone two, but there’s a slight pull at his heart when he pieces the puzzle together.
“He’s scared.” Ueda’s voice comes from next to him. “So are you.”
“Did your fairies tell you that?”
When Ryo doesn’t get a response he opens his eyes to find himself alone. Maybe he was hearing things. He feels so tired lately. He figures a nap will do him good and wanders back to his and Ueda’s room with slow steps. As he lies down on his bed their the suddenly itchy sheets and the all too flat pillow and the blanket that just isn’t warm enough Ryo realizes that he’s been here too long and the experiment is killing him.
-
It’s a bit of a shock when Ryo gets told he has a visitor later that week. He is lead to a room specially located just for these situations (he was beginning to worry if one of these even existed), and finds a friend and classmate of his sitting at a table with a large smile.
“What the hell are you doing here,” he asks cautiously not taking a step closer to the table.
“Be nice,” Shige warns. “You’re not allowed to cause anymore trouble.” He rolls his eyes when Ryo clicks his tongue. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”
It isn’t until he sits across from Yokoyama and Shige is long gone does he speak again. “You shouldn’t be here,” he hisses.
Yokoyama laughs, “relax. No one knows. You’ve just been gone for so long. How’s the experiment?”
Ryo sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Why am I here, Yoko? I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Yokoyama isn’t really good at the comforting word shit, but he tries. Or at least, he tells Ryo that hey, the sooner he convinces people he’s sane the sooner he gets out.
“Your logic sucks ass, Yoko.”
The return smile Yokoyama gives make Ryo think that their roles should be reversed.
-
Ryo sinks into the heaven for your ass chair in Shige’s office like usually, but he seems more like he’s trying to have it eat him whole rather than get comfortable. Shige gives him a strange look which doesn’t make his face look attractive. Ryo snorts at the thought.
“You seem...depressed.”
Ryo shrugs. “Maybe.”
A long moment passes in silence between them. The clock on the wall ticks loudly in the room causing Ryo to glare at it darkly. “Can’t you get a digital clock? That ticking is annoying.”
Shige looks back at the wall then returns his gaze to Ryo. “It’s not really your problem, is it?”
“You’re being a pain in the ass Kato, why am I here?”
Shige narrows his eyes before standing up and heading over to the door. He opens it cautiously, looking up and down the hall and closing it once more. Ryo thinks he hears the faint click of a lock but he doesn’t pay it any mind. Shige’s always been a weird one in his opinion.
“Normally,” Shige’s voice is low as he folds his hand on top of his desk and leans in close. “I wouldn’t take mind to things like this but, what’s up with you and Ueda?”
Ryo scoffs. “That’s why I’m here? Whatever that freak said I don’t know what he’s talking about, we haven’t spoken in weeks.”
“That’s exactly it.” Shige’s voice is loud now, no longer the cautious whisper of a few seconds ago. “You may not realize it in your little bubble of cocky bullshit, but in his own weird, twisted, back handed way, Ueda has taken a liking to you. That doesn’t happen every fucking day.”
“Don’t lecture me!” He unfolds himself from the chair and stands up. “I don’t need this shit. I shouldn’t even be here.” Ryo heads for the door and finds it unlocked. His ears must have been playing tricks on him. Snatching the door open has him run face first into Ueda awkwardly. After an awkward pause he pushes past Ueda and stalks off down the hall.
He’s not out of earshot before he hears Ueda say, “He’s terrified, Shige. And I think it’s my fault.”
-
It’s a cold day in February when Ueda approaches Ryo. As of late, Ryo’s kept to himself. He only talks during group (finally having given up being difficult) and sometimes, depending on who it is, the volunteers. Ryo’s sitting in the day room right where he used to play games with Koyama when Ueda sits down across from him. His hair is longer now, the parts in the front hanging into his eyes, giving off more of a mysterious look.
“Ryo...” Ueda’s voice is as soft as ever, almost getting lost in the large room.
He glances up from the book Shige gave him. He said it was depressing just watching Ryo keep to himself all the time. “At least read a book.” Ryo thought the gesture was amusing since Shige seems to be the only doctor in this place that appears to give a damn.
“Ryo,” Ueda tries again, a lot louder this time.
Ryo smirks. “Takes you three months to say my name for the first time. Bravo.” He closes the book to take a good look at Ueda.
Ueda looks like he’s having a hard time. Not sure if he wants to be close to Ryo or to close himself up and ignore him.
“Don’t push yourself on my account.” Ryo turns away to look out the window with a deep sigh. It’s another dreary day with dark clouds and buckets of rain coming down. That’s when a deck of cards is shoved into Ryo’s face and Ueda’s looking down at the table shyly. That was....unexpected.
They play cards in silence, settling for a game that takes up all your concentration, losing track of the time until it’s dark and someone comes to say, “knock it off. Time to turn in for the night.” Ryo’s sure he hears the faint muttering of freaks but doesn’t comment on it and puts the cards away.
When they’re in the safety of their room and the lights are off, leaving it pitch black, does Ryo venture to ask a question. “What’s wrong with you, Ueda?” He’s not trying to be a smartass for once, he’s actually curious since his hunt for information died weeks ago. “Your speech is like cryptic messages, and you vanish for days at a time--why..” He swallows around the lump in his throat. “Why are you in here?”
Ueda never responds. Ryo knows he’s not a sleep, the room is too alive for that, throbbing with the energy from an awake body. He gives up on hoping for an answer though and rolls onto his side, resigning himself for a forced sleep. In his dreams he hears Ueda’s voice. It’s soft and kind, full of warmth but also sadness. It says, “the fairies became too much.”
-
In the morning Ryo is called to Inagaki’s office. There’s a serious look on his face telling Ryo not to bother to sit down, he won’t be there long enough. “Discharged,” is really all he says after that. The words slowly settling into Ryo’s head until it finally clicks. He gets to leave.
“You’re to have one last meeting with Kato after you gather your things.” Inagaki dismisses him with a wave of his hand and turning back to some very important looking paperwork.
“And by paperwork you mean...” Shige prompts looking at Ryo with a smirk.
“Crossword puzzle.”
Shige bursts out laughing at the idea of Inagaki bent over his desk working furiously on a crossword puzzle. “How is that my senior?”
Ryo snorts, “easy.” He says settling back in the heaven for your as chair. “You do all the work, he doesn’t.”
“Figures.”
Ryo works his butt into the chair and sighs contently. “I love your office. It’s so much more comfortable than Inagaki’s. And I want this fucking chair, Kato.”
“If I knew where they bought the furnishing for my office I’d tell you Ryo.” Shige’s eyes crinkle when he laughs hard. Ryo’s going to miss that.
“Bullshit. I bet you this is the only chair this soft.” He scoots to the edge of chair. “Have you ever sat in the ones in Inagaki’s office. Fucking. Bricks.”
Shige snorts. “They look like they’ve been through a time warp. Wrong century.”
“Right?! Get with the times!”
Their laughter dies down after a while and Shige writes one last thing in Ryo’s file before closing it. There’s a sad smile on his face that almost, almost breaks Ryo’s heart.
Before anything heartfelt and sappy can happen, Ryo stands and stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets. “Catch you on the outside Shige. Try to have some fun without me here.” He struts out of the office.
Ueda watches expressionless from the far off end of the day room, eyes trained on Ryo sharply. He feels them, watching him as he moves and saves goodbye to a few people. When Ryo turns to look though, Ueda’s eyes are trained out the window at nothing.
He contemplates going over there, but in the end leaves without a word.
-
Heavy reliance upon psychotropic medication tacitly contributes to depersonalization by convincing staff that treatment is indeed being conducted and that further patient contact may not be necessary. Even here, however, caution needs to be exercised in understanding the role of psychotropic drugs. If patients were powerful rather than powerless, if they were viewed as interesting individuals rather than diagnostic entities, if they were socially significant rather than social lepers, if their anguish truly and wholly compelled our sympathies and concerns, would we not seek contact with them, despite the availability of medications? Perhaps for the pleasure of it all?*
A few years pass and people read Ryo’s study. He sometimes hears people mention it when he’s out. From spending those months in the hospital with those people it burns at Ryos nerves when he hears derogatory comments about the mentally ill. He doesn't say anything though. He’s in the real world now and has to act accordingly.
His study got him some recognition. Ryo currently spends three days a week helping instruct a psychology class at the university for two to three hours. When he feels up to it, Ryo begins to plan his next study, though he doesn't get too far before thinking of something else.
He’s almost forgotten all about Ueda and his fairies until one terribly cold October day when he’s standing at the corner waiting to cross the street and head over to the combin when someone stands right in between him and the street light.
Ryo has half a mind to lash out and say, “There is an entire fucing sidewalk you can stand on.” But he doesn’t because this is the real world and he is an adult who needs to act accordingly.
A low soft voice brushes past Ryo’s ear. It sends shivers down his spine. "You think its boring living life out here; following the rules of society; acting so called normal. Keeping certain thoughts and opinions to yourself because they’ll judge you for them the moment you say something."
Ryo knows that voice. He’s about to think he really is losing his mind and hearing voices. But he automatically answers, mouth working before his brain. "Did your fairies tell you that?" the question is out before he even realizes it. He smirks.
A breathy laugh comes next causing Ryo to look over. There standing next to him is Ueda. His hair is grown out and theres a hat low on his head. He has his hands shoved into his pockets of the cardigan he has on. Even now in the real world there’s an air of mystery about him that just screams out to Ryo, asking him to figure it out.
"Yes," he says with a small smile. "They tell me a lot of things." The look on Ueda face speaks more than his word.
Finally, how many patients might be "sane" outside the psychiatric hospital but seem insane in it -- not because craziness resides in them, as it were, but because they are responding to a bizarre setting, one that may be unique to institutions which harbor nether people? Goffman [4] calls the process of socialization to such institutions "mortification' -- an apt metaphor that includes the processes of depersonalization that have been described here. And while it is impossible to know whether the pseudopatients' responses to these processes are characteristic of all inmates -- they were, after all, not real patients -- it is difficult to believe that these processes of socialization to a psychiatric hospital provide useful attitudes or habits of response for living in the "real world."*
Poll Team AU Prompt 7
Pairing/Group: Kanjani8, KAT-TUN, NEWS, with apparences of Yamashita, Akanishi, Nagase, Inagaki, Kusano, Koyama/Ryo (friendship), Ryo/Shige (friendship; patient/psychiatrist), Ryo/Ueda
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: mental illnesses
Summary: The difference between sane and insane can’t be truthfully defined.
Nishikido Ryo, age: twenty-seven, disorder: schizophrenia. Date admitted: October 29th; stay period: unknown.
What you hear about mental institutions aren’t always what it appears, it’s not all smiles and trying to help. Nishikido could tell you that. And it isn’t all depressing and rude doctors either. It’s like a community with all different types of people who just live their lives as best they can.
Notes: So N-chan sent me a study a month or so ago, called: On Being Sane in Insane Places. It was a very interesting study that I felt matched my prompt perfectly. All parts indicated by a single asterisk (*) are from the book which can be read here.
To raise questions regarding normality and abnormality is in no way to question the fact that some behaviors are deviant or odd. Murder is deviant. So, too, are hallucinations. Nor does raising such questions deny the existence of the personal anguish that is often associated with "mental illness." Anxiety and depression exist. Psychological suffering exists. But normality and abnormality, sanity and insanity, and the diagnoses that flow from them may be less substantive than many believe them to be.*
In the end no matter how you look at it, hospitals are freaky.
Ryo stands in the middle of the open room with big windows and soft couches in his blue pants and white t-shirt, rubbing a hand along his forearm. The slippers leave his toes cold; he wiggles them around but keeps his eyes trained on the room and all the figures walking about. Young and old, skinny and fat, all different types of people in this once place. It’s smells sterile and antiseptic through out the entire building leaving a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“You’ll get used to it,” Inagaki Goro, his interviewing physician, says evenly when Ryo voiced his concerns at the end of the interview. “It’s the least of your worries.” Regardless, the smell still unnerves him; it’s only been an hour and already Ryo is greatly regretting his decision on conducting this experiment.
-
The mind is an interesting thing.
On file and to all the doctors in the hospital, Nishikido Ryo is labeled as a schizophrenic.
He sits in the soft office chair with his hands in his lap and his head tilted down, eyes darting around the room. There’s a hole in his sneaker that he never noticed till now, but it’s not really important. “I hear...” Ryo trails off tilting his head up a little to glance at Inagaki. “voices.” He says weakly and clears his throat.
Inagaki hums and scribbles something on a paper. “What do they say?”
Ryo doesn’t think he’s a good actor and he’s constantly worried that he’ll be found out as a fake before this is over. “To harm people.” He looks Inagaki in the eye as he says this and presses his lips into a thin line. The hair on the back of his neck is standing on end and he can feel the sweat on his palms. “Like, when you see that person on the street pass you by and they’re just loitering around, not doing anything useful, taking up space. Taking up air.”
He’s not serious of course, which is probably why saying all this makes his stomach wrench and his throat dry. It’s a terrible lie and he just knows that Inagaki doesn't believe him. He’s going to be kicked out on his ass and told to stop fucking around and making fun of the mentally ill.
Inagaki places his pen down on the clipboard and folds his hands looking at Ryo pointedly. “I’d like to admit you for a while.”
Ryo feels like he’s going to throw up.
-
“I feel like I’m in AA.” Ryo crosses his arms but takes a seat in the circle of chairs.
Yamashita, a volunteer, clears his throat. "You shouldn't joke about that Nishikido.” Ryo’s positive that the lack of honorifics is because Yamashita was in this place before, and their closeness in age. “Those people have serious problems." He nods his head at one of the other patients.
Ryo snorts but doesn’t comment.
Group therapy is not something Ryo particularly likes, but he has a hard time talking about himself so he passes when it’s his turn. He learns about the others anyway. Koyama, the tall guy that seems to be all limbs all the time who can’t keep still no matter what, is OCD. Ryo watches him closely as he talks. He taps his foot exactly fifteen times when he starts on something (he only counted because it was getting annoying). He also moves his hands in this particular way that is not only distracting, but incredibly precise in a way someone that jittery shouldn't be. Ryo yawns during his talking. This Koyama guy is also very long winded.
These group therapy sessions are going to kill him.
-
There is something about waking up in a hospital, with bare white walls, and open windows with curtains that block out basically nothing. It’s annoying honestly. It’s exactly six am when a very pretty nurse with light brown hair pulled back into a tight pony tail comes in the room making sure he does not fall back asleep. The shorter strands of her hair are falling from their confines and into her face but it’s cute. She’s shoving a small cup into Ryo’s hands.
“Um.” Ryo eyes the pill carefully. He had nearly forgotten that he’d be forced to take things like these. He tilts his head back letting the pills fall into his mouth, shivering when the touch his tongue but otherwise doesn’t do anything. He makes sure they don’t slip down his throat. Ryo coughs, slipping the pills into his hand. He’ll hide those later.
Ryo stares at the man, at least he thinks that’s a man, that comes into the room behind the nurse. There’s neat, platinum blonde hair styled to perfection and a small figure that makes the blah of hospital clothes not seem so depressing.
“This is Tegoshi Yuya,” the nurse says with a small smile. “Your roommate.”
Tegoshi flashes a smile at Ryo that speaks more volumes than any words they could have exchanged would.
-
November 4th
Tegoshi Yuya; age 24; diagnosed with Hypersexuality Disorder
I spent an entire hour with this man who is now my new roommate and he seems normal enough at first glance but his mood shifts greatly at any given moment.
We talked, but he controlled most of our conversations which greatly consisted of anything sex related. He would explain these fantasies to me. Some more detailed than other. There’s a concentrated look on his face when he talks about this stuff giving the illusion that he stops to think greatly on how he wants to engage in his sexual activities, the type of person he wants for each time, and where he wants to do it.
I tried to drift the conversation into another direction a few times but each time he noticed that it wouldn’t lead to sex he would glare at me darkly.
-
After a few days of being in the hospital, Ryo relaxes a little. He’s less on edge on being found out as a fraud and kicked out. But there are times, times when the other patients look at him that makes his skin crawl. It’s those same patients though that he goes out of his way to talk to.
Standing in that big open room again where everyone seems to “mingle” (if you can call it that), always leaves Ryo feeling lost and questioning why he’s conducting this experiment.
“You should make some friends, Ryo.” Yamashita says behind him. Already on a first name basis. “It makes the time go by faster.”
Ryo snorts. “I’m not so good with people.”
“Best place to get better at it.” They look at each other for a moment before Yamashita gives a reassuring smile. It bothers Ryo a bit, but it’s the thought that counts. “How do you feel anyway?”
“Um, fine?” He’s not really sure how to answer that, but he was told to behave normally.
“Well if you ever need to talk--”
Ryo turns away and starts to walk off. “I don’t need your ‘I’m always here to listen’ crap.”
Yamashita gives a good laugh. “I didn’t mean me, I meant...others. You get some good listeners in a psychiatric hospital, even if they don’t always know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t say.”
“I hear Ueda over there is a good listener.” Yamashita points in the direction of a young man sitting next to the window with short, pitch black hair no longer than two inches. He’s staring off into the distance at something that no one else can see. Ryo’s about to turn around and say something smart about how he doesn’t need a space cadet listening to him, but Yamashita is already walking away to another group therapy session.
-
“You are going to have to talk at some point, Ryo.” Yamashita says with a voice of authority. “It’s been three weeks and you haven’t said a word.”
Ryo shrugs. “I’ll get around to it.” He looks around the circle not really interested in telling his life story at the moment. It’s not like he’s actually crazy anyway. Ryo knows very well he’s being difficult. But he’s always difficult. “Why don’t you get fat Jin over there to talk. He’s new to the circle.”
“Who are you calling fat?” Jin asks rather loudly. He’s got long hair that’s pulled up into a messy pony tail on the top of his head almost. “You’re only a sack of bones.”
Ryo laughs. “I just know how to say no to a cheeseburger.” His laugh is cut short when a heavy body is pressed on top of his and he’s pinned to the ground. There’s noise all around. Yamashita is calling for one of the nurses to get the doctors in here. The other patients are making noise as well. He’s pretty sure he hears crying off to his right. When he tries to turn his head while pushing at Jin to get him off but having no luck he sees Inagaki standing in the doorway shaking his head with a sigh. Shit.
-
November 29th
Jin (surname unknown); age aprox. 28; diagnosed with Bipolar disorder
Today I was not expecting to be physically assaulted by this guy. The rules of the experiment were for me to act as I normally do, so instinctively I poked fun at the guy. One second he was laughing it up with the person next to him (I think it was Shirota Yuu) and the next he was trying to claw at my throat.
I haven’t seen much of him around, Jin’s new, but from what I’ve overheard this isn't the first time it’s happened. I’ve also seen his mood change quickly in the few days here’s been here.
-
“Nishikido-kun, you don’t have a history with getting violent with people.” Inagaki says with a hard look. “What seems to be the problem? Are the voices back?”
Ryo pauses for a moment. He didn’t exactly have an explanation on the day’s events during group therapy. “Y-yes.” He swallows hard.
Inagaki writes something on a notepad. Ryo really wishes he knew what it was but doesn’t dwell on it. “We’re going to change your medication. You have been taking it, right?”
“Of course.” Ryo immediately thinks to every single pill he has flushed down the toilet in the past month and feels a little bad for lying.
The doctor nods, one of the curls in the perfect hair that is exactly the same every day Ryo sees him, dangling in Inagaki’s face moves. “I’m taking you out of group therapy for a while.” Ryo smiles brightly. “But in exchange you have to talk to another psychiatrist daily.”
Ryo doesn’t know if that’s better or worse but for now he’ll take it.
When he slips out of Inagaki’s office he comes face to face with that Ueda guy who stares at him blankly, face void of all emotion. His eyes look hollow and empty.
“Um, hello.”
Ueda only blinks at him looking him up and down. “They told me.”
Ryo raises an eyebrow and looks up and down the hall for another doctor. “Who?”
“The fairies.”
“Fairies...” Ryo says slowly not really sure what it is that Ueda means. “And what did they tell you?”
Ueda leans in close, his lips just brushing against Ryo’s ear. “Your sins.” And with that he walks down the hall gracefully, his long white sweater trailing behind him.
Ryo’s hair is standing on end for the rest of the day.
-
December 2nd
Tegoshi Yuya, the Hypersexual
By now we’ve gotten used to each other, but I’ve noticed that Tegoshi likes to leer at people I suppose. He’ll give these long looks that speak so many intentions, and all of them dirty. There have been nights where I wake up to him masturbating in bed, not even trying to be quiet about it. He lists off the names of some of the more attractive nurses as he does so. Each time it’s a different name and he’ll go on for hours with short intervals in between.
The other night, after everyone was in their rooms for the night, Tegoshi was acting a bit odd. He kept moving around, talking about nothing. After a while he’d sit down next to me and keep touching my arm. I’d shrug him off and tell him to stop being weird and suddenly he’d get loud and crabby. Yelling out random things then calm down again. This went on for hours until he settled down on his bed and went to sleep.
I woke up around 4 am I think it was. Tegoshi was hovering over me and pinning me to my own bed.
-
“What the fuck?” There is a heavy weight on top of Ryo’s body pinning him to the bed. He supposes that Tegoshi’s bright hair is a god send since he can see it in the pitch black room, but it wouldn’t really be anyone else trying to get it on with his leg right now. “Get off of me!” He tries to throw the other off him.
Tegoshi’s leaning down and licking at the shell of his ear. If it wasn’t for the fact that Tegoshi is off his fucking rocker, Ryo would admit that this is kind of hot. He’s whispering dirty things in his ear now. Things Ryo would never even repeat. The thought alone of all the things Tegoshi wants to do makes him sick.
Somehow Ryo manages to remove Tegoshi from off his person. He’s scrambling to get off the bed, Tegoshi sitting on the floor glaring at him, snarling even. “Anytime today!” Ryo bangs on the door because he knows that by now someone is bound to hear the noise they are making.
It’s a great inconvenience rooming with Tegoshi. Due to his little problem their door is locked at night thus leaving Ryo the only one subjected to Tegoshi’s advances.
“God dammit,” he yells and starts kicking the door.
Tegoshi’s looking at him with lust filled eyes. He looks like a wild animal ready to pounce on his prey.
“Touch me again.” Ryo warns with a glare. He picks up his pillow and uses it as a shield knowing full well that a pillow isn’t capable of much, but it’s the mindset. “Go on try it and I’ll break every bone in your fucking body.”
Tegoshi is on his knees pulling at the drawstring of Ryo’s pants before Ryo even realizes it. Ryo starts hitting him with the pillow, calling out, yelling, screaming for help. “Are you all fucking deaf?!” His back is pressed up against the door when it opens having him fall to the ground in a heap with Tegoshi’s face pressed into his crotch.
Ryo scrambles back until he’s far into the hall and pressed against the other wall. “About fucking time.” He holds the pillow close to his body eyes wide staring at Tegoshi, praying he doesn’t make a move.
“Oh, not again.” The night nurse says with a sigh.
“Again!?” Ryo all but screams. “This has happened before?!”
The nurse disregards him and goes to take care of Tegoshi. “He’s afraid.” Ueda’s voice says softly from behind him. His room is in the next hall over so it’s strange that he’s even over here.
“Of what?” He glances to look at Ueda.
“Being alone. Unloved.”
“Did your fairies tell you that?”
-
Gestalt psychology made the point vigorously, and Asch demonstrated that there are "central" personality traits (such as "warm" versus "cold") which are so powerful that they markedly color the meaning of other information in forming an impression of a given personality. "Insane," "schizophrenic," "manic-depressive," and "crazy" are probably among the most powerful of such central traits. Once a person is designated abnormal, all of his other behaviors and characteristics are colored by that label.*
In the morning Ryo is moved to Ueda’s room. It was stated that it’s best for Tegoshi to be alone and Ryo couldn’t agree more. The idea of being attacked in his sleep again like that is enough to make him fight through the heaviness of his eyelids a couple of days until finally he can’t even think and sleeps like a baby.
Ryo doesn’t mind being around Ueda, even if he is a bit weird. Ueda is quiet and stares off into space a lot. Though Ryo thinks that’s him and the “fairies” having their moment. He’s never actually asked about the fairies, or anything regarding Ueda. They don’t talk. It’s a comfortable silence most days that Ryo enjoys.
Other than the mention of fairies, Ryo didn’t actually think there was anything wrong with Ueda. He seems quite normal. But as he has learned that things are always what they appear.
It happens late one night and Ryo is lying comfortably in bed just about to drift off to sleep when he hears mumbling from Ueda’s side of the room. He can’t make it out at first but it’s there. As it progresses it gets louder until the words are clear and precise. Ryo’s sure he’s never heard that much out of the other before today. After a while the loudness in Ueda’s voice turns to sobbing and it pains Ryo so much to lie there in the dark acting like he’s asleep.
December 10th
Ueda (given name unknown); age aprox. 28; Disorder Unknown
He’s a strange one. Each encounter we’ve had thus far Ueda has mentioned to me something about fairies. I’m not sure what these fairies are, or what Ueda’s disorder is but apparently they tell him things. He usually starts off with “They told me” and then goes on with whatever it is. By now I’ve come to learn that it is usually these “fairies” that he talks to.
After the Tegoshi incident I’ve been paired with Ueda for rooms which seems better because I don’t think I need to be worried about being assaulted at night. But there is something strange.
Last night Ueda was mumbling to himself about something. I couldn’t make out the words, they were too soft and his voice too quiet. But then he got louder to the point he was almost screaming. I don’t think he was loud enough to cause a problem though because no one came to check up on him. He quieted down after a while and started to sob.
From all the research I’ve done before coming here I don’t recall ever hearing about something like this; someone like him.
-
“This is the third time I’ve beaten you,” Koyama says. He’s not as jumpy as when Ryo first met him, but he still does that annoying foot tapping.
Ryo looks down at the checkers board. “Fuck!”
Koyama covers his ears at Ryo’s language as always. Sometimes, Ryo thinks, he’s too much of a child for his own good. “Where is your brain today?”
“Checkers is boring.” Ryo sits back in his chair letting his eyes gaze around the day room. It’s darker than usually due to the heavy downpour outside making the sky a dark depressing gray. The half of the room closest to the windows is dark, only light up by the natural light of the world at the moment. “Can’t you pick a more stimulating game?”
“See something you like, Ryo-kun?”
“Oh Jesus fuck--can you not do that!?” Ryo turns around to glare at his personal psychiatrist. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that, Kato?”
“So when I’m not bothering you we’re on first name basis, but when I’m a pain it’s Kato.” He laughs full heartedly and stands up straight. “Good to know.”
“I think you’re too young for this job.” Ryo scowls getting up from the chair. He casts a glance in Ueda’s direction before ruffling Koyama’s hair. “Rematch when I get back.”
-
“I enjoy going to your office so much more than Inagaki’s.” Ryo settles into the big leather chair folding his feet up under him. “I fucking love this chair, have I said that?”
Shige laughs and takes off the stupid white lab coat all doctors are supposed to wear when making rounds. It makes him look old and like he’s supposed to be some higher being than the patients. At least, that’s how Ryo described it. “Only, like, every time you come here.”
“I want one of these in my house when I go home. It’s like heaven for your ass.” Ryo shifts around in the chair getting comfortable. “So...how’s Tegoshi?”
Shige pauses and looks at him with worried eyes. “You’re okay to talk about that?”
Ryo scoffs. “Please, it’s not like I was traumatized. Give me the dirty deets.”
“You act like this is high school, Ryo.” Shige seems very amused by Ryo’s interest in everything.
“Oh come on!” Ryo moves to the edge of his seat. “Do you know how bored I am in this place. This is my only fun. Sure being sexually assaulted by Tegoshi was a little freaky but I’m not so far cracked that it’s going to scar me for life.”
“These sessions are for your improvement though. Inagaki-san said--”
“Do you always listen to Inagaki?”
Shige scowls. “No.”
“Do you really think talking about my outburst with Jin back in...November is really going to,” he puts his hands up in the air to make air quotes, “solve anything? He’s the one who attacked me.”
“You instigated it.” Shige points out looking at some notes in Ryo’s file.
“..true. But come on!” He’s beginning to whine.
“Let’s talk about something else. How’s rooming with Ueda?” Shige closes the folder and leans back in his chair looking relaxed.
“Don’t pull that reversed physiology bullshit on me.” Ryo laughs getting up from that heaven for your ass chair he loves so much. “I have older brothers. I know how it works.”
Shige raises his hands up in the air. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Ryo eyes him carefully before sitting back down.
-
One night Ryo wakes to a poking in his shoulder. It’s soft, almost hesitant, but hard enough to pull him slightly from his sleep. Without opening his eyes Ryo shakes a hand in the direction of the offender. “Go away...” he grumbles rolling onto his side facing the window.
The poking stops for a minute but starts back up again just as Ryo’s about to slip into dreamland once more.
“Whaaaaaat?” He whines rolling over to stare up at Ueda. He almost looks like a creature from another world in the moonlight that reflects off his white long sleeved shirt slipping off Ueda’s shoulder. His pants are loose around his frame but tied tightly in place keeping them from slipping off his thin hips.
Ueda’s voice is soft and quiet but it seems to bounce off the walls in the silent room. “I can’t sleep.”
Ryo stares up at the ceiling for a moment then sighs. “What are you, five?” He sits up regardless making room for Ueda to sit along with him. “Why don’t you talk to your fairies?”
Ueda looks so tiny on the bed next to him, hugging his knees to his chest. “They’re gone.”
“Maybe they went to go pester someone else for a while.”
“But they’ve never left before!” Ueda looks at him frantically with scared eyes. “They’ve always been there, telling me things I don’t want to hear but have no choice but to hear. Whispering to themselves, to me. Telling secrets, making assumptions.” He breaks out into a sob. Thin shoulders shake as tears run down his cheeks and suddenly Ryo has no idea what to do.
-
It took him a few days to think of something, but Ryo came to the conclusion that it was time to do some snooping. Of course, it’s a lot harder in a mental hospital, you really have to know who to ask, and how to ask it. He goes for the patients that seem to have a better grasp on reality, which sadly are few in numbers.
“Say, Koyama.” Ryo starts casually as they play a very sad game of go fish. “How long have you been here?”
Koyama stops to think about it for a moment. He’s still tapping his foot, but Ryo notices that it’s down from 15 taps in a row to 8, and the intervals between each set are greater. “One year, three months, two weeks, and five days.”
Ryo laughs. “I didn’t ask for your life story.”
Koyama tilts his head missing the joke.
“Forget it.” He lays out three cards on the table. “I’m winning.”
“What?” Koyama pouts and looks down at the table between them. “Not fair.” Some time passes between them before Koyama adds more to the conversation. “Nagase-san has been here the longest I think.”
“Nagase...?”
Koyama nods. “Do you have any three’s?”
Ryo hands over the cards without much thought. “Wasn’t there like a famous rock star by that name?”
“That’s the one!” The smile Koyama gives is large and bright. It’s bigger than any other smile Ryo has seen Koyama give since he’s been here. “Though he’s not really rockstar-ish anymore.” He leans over the table closer to Koyama. “Too many drugs. Messed up his head.”
Ryo nods absently taking in this information. “Who else has been here a while?”
“Um,” Koyama takes a glance around the day room. “There’s Nakamaru-kun. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic. And... Kusano, and Ueda-kun’s been here a while I think. At least he was here when I got here.”
“He’s a quiet one.”
“Oh but he’s really nice and--” Koyama stops short when Shige comes up behind Ryo. “Hi Shige.” He waves slightly, but looks a little put off by the serious look on Shige’s face.
“I need to talk to you. Now.” Shige doesn’t wait for an answer and heads out of the day room and back to his office assuming Ryo will so be behind him.
Sharing a look with Koyama, Ryo places the cards down on the table promising they’ll play again later. He’s gotten kind of fond of Koyama, even if the foot tapping pisses him off.
-
Shige doesn’t actually say anything important once they’re in his office, but Ryo can feel the tension in the air. Shige is stiff and on edge, and suddenly Ryo begins to panic. He’s been found out, he knows it. Shige knows that he’s not really insane and is going to have him leave and then Ryo’s research will be for nothing and he won’t get the credit and--
“Ueda’s been talking about you lately.”
What? “I’m sorry...?”
Shige looks at him for a long hard moment, expression unreadable, before sitting down and opening a folder. “I do private sessions with him as well. He can’t handle group at the moment. He’s been talking about you.”
Ryo doesn’t understand what Shige is telling him. He pushes the big heavy guest chair (that he loves so much) closer to Shige’s desk. “Spit it out Kato.”
“I’m just saying, that he’s taken an interest in you.”
“Is this some way to get me to talk about how rooming with him is? Because I’ll walk out of that fucking door right now. I swear to--”
Shige laughs. “No, it’s not like that.” He writes something down in Ryo’s file. Shit like that pisses him off. He is right the fuck there! “I want you to keep an eye on him and go with him to group tomorrow.”
“Now you’re sounding crazy--I’m not allowed in group.” Ryo points out tapping one of Shige’s pens on his desk. This whole experiment is a pain in his ass. “And you just said--”
“It’s one day.” Shige assures him. “I trust you more than I trust some of the other doctors. Try not to get in trouble.”
-
December 21st
Ueda hasn’t said a word to anyone in three days, not me, not anyone who seems ‘close’ to him, and not the other doctors. He was silent during group, I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not. Kato (my personal psychiatrist ) told me to keep an eye on him, but I don’t know what that means. And I’m not sure what he means by “he trusts me”.
-
What are the origins of depersonalization? I have already mentioned two. First are attitudes held by all of us toward the mentally ill -- including those who treat them -- attitudes characterized by fear, distrust, and horrible expectations on the one hand, and benevolent intentions on the other. Our ambivalence leads, in this instance as in others, to avoidance.*
He didn’t notice at first, not until it was too late, but something weird was going on in the hospital and for once it wasn’t the the patients. It all happened so suddenly. There was a loud banging, some yelling, and then he heard Ueda.
Ryo rolled over in his bed to find out why the other was making so much noise early in the morning to not their usual nurse standing at the door with their pills. “Where’s Erika-chan?” He asked with a yawn and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Don’t worry about her.” The new nurse was a fairly large man, had some weight on him unlike Ueda and Ryo himself. In no time he was in Ryo’s space trying to force the medication at him.
Ryo struggled and managed to get to another part of the room. “Whoa man, let’s calm down. Hand me the pills and I’ll gladly take them.” The nurse wouldn’t listen. This was a non negotiable situation. Without risking a glance to check on Ueda, Ryo ran out of the room shouting. “I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I’m not buying what you’re selling.”
He ran into the day room, still empty in the early hours with the rather large nurse right behind him. Ryo likes to think he’s good on his feet, he keeps moving to avoid being caught and making noise to gather some attention. He sees a few of the other patients file into the doorways of the day room but not the one he’s looking for. He’s prancing around the room now just to keep away from the guy, but it’s hard when trying to keep a lookout for someone as well and this was Ryo’s down fall.
Ending up back into the narrow hallway by his and Ueda’s room was part of Ryo’s plan. The part where he ends up on the ground helpless though was not. Ryo practically chokes as the medication is basically forced into his mouth and he’s being pinned down until he swallows it.
Never had he seen Ueda so active since they had met, and he never would have thought that Ueda of all people would have some fight in him.
Ryo takes in a deep breath of air when the sudden weight is off him. He chokes up the pills and spits them onto the floor. “That could have gone better,” he says taking a cautious glance in the nurse’s direction. He’s lying on the ground and appears to be unconscious. Ryo doesn’t really want to take any chances though and waves Ueda over to him.
Inagaki’s going to have his ass for this mess now. Maybe this experiment was a bad idea.
-
Ideally, Ryo should be glad he hasn’t been called to talk to Shige in three days, but there’s something unsettling about it. Inagaki hasn’t yelled at him yet for the incident either, and it’s been over a week. He heard some of the other doctors talking about him being at some type of convention. His stomach is constantly in knots waiting out the days till he comes back. God knows what “punishment” he’ll have for this mess. Maybe they’ll keep in him confinement or something.
Right now though he’s more worried about Ueda. He hasn’t seen Ueda at all. How can you lose someone in a mental hospital? It’s a hospital! Even though he’s a bit worried about this turn of events he doesn’t voice it to anyone. Not even to Koyama who has become his unspoken best friend in this entire place. But he knows that will soon end as well. Koyama’s getting better he notices. Not as jittery, he rarely ever taps his foot now. Ryo wonders how long until Koyama will leave. But he also wonders how long he’ll be there as well.
-
The day Ueda shows up again the day room is dreary and depressing. It’s oddly quiet and somewhat lifeless. Ryo’s just gotten back from being chewed out by Inagaki, saying that this is his final warning not to fuck around and cause a problem. But he didn’t say it like that of course.
“You’re setting a bad example, and causing a disruption.” His voice was hard. “Don’t do it again.”
Ryo’s not really sure what Inagaki’s going to do if he causes anymore trouble but frankly he’d rather not find out. While although the man seems pretty laid back when he wants to, he scares the crap out of Ryo and that is enough (at this point) to keep him on his best behavior. But he still can’t help but be ticked off by the entire situation.
“It’s not like I wanted to cause a problem.” He says to Masuda, the new group therapy guy. (Ryo was permitted back to group at the beginning of the week and personal sessions in the middle.) “I just wasn’t cool with the fact that some dude is trying to shove a pill down my throat. I’m a human, I have rights.”
“Sometimes they forget that Nishikido-kun.” Masuda is very patient with Ryo and doesn't flinch every time he curses unlike Koyama.
Ryo sighs and crosses his arms as they enter the day room. “Yeah, well it’s bullshit.” He already knew what he could be getting into though from the start. He’s read studies before on other hospitals, this isn’t the first time shit like that has happened, he just never believed it before. “It’s like they’re disregarding the fact that you still have a brain....” He trails off when coming face to face with Ueda for the first time in what felt like forever.
Ueda doesn’t say anything, in fact he backs away from Ryo and Masuda looking momentarily frightened. This causes Ryo to narrow his eyes but stay where he is. Ueda looks at him coldly but with caution. It’s like he’s guarding himself from a wild animal.
Shige shows up before he can ask Ueda what’s wrong. The look that crosses Shige’s face when he notices Ryo unnerves him even more. Now he knows something is wrong.
-
“They told me.” Ueda’s voice is soft in the quiet room. It’s probably long after midnight by now, but Ryo can’t sleep. It’s been like that for days. Everything seems to quiet lately.
Ryo jumps in his bed, startled by the break in the silence. He rolls over and sits up but looks down at his legs under the blanket. “Your fairies?”
Ueda hums.
It feels like Ryo’s throat is closing at the thought of what Ueda could possibly say next but he manages to choke the next words out. “What did they say?”
“A story about a cunning wolf who befriended a rabbit by pretending to be nice. Gave the appearance of being kind and caring, only to kill it in the end.” Ueda was looking at Ryo now, face void of all expression. “You don’t actually belong here.”
-
January 16th
All this time I was worried about one of the doctor’s figuring me out but it never occurred to me that perhaps another patient would.
I still don’t know about this Ueda guy, I don’t know who to ask, or try to get information out of. He doesn’t solidly fit any of the things that I have studied. He’s like an enigma.
-
“Kato.” Ryo says bursting into Shige’s office one afternoon with no disregard to anyone else perhaps being in there.
Shige looks shocked for a split second. “You’re appointment isn’t till three.”
“Too bad. It’s important.” Ryo’s not taking no for an answer. He’s tired of getting creepy looks and having his skin crawl and his hair stand on end. It’s been weeks since Ueda has busted him and he hasn’t said a word since. He avoids Ryo at all costs and it’s driving him insane. Which is ironic since he’s already in a facility to take care of shit like that.
“Ryo-chan....” Koyama’s voice comes from Ryo’s “heaven for your ass” chair and suddenly Ryo realises that Shige was in the middle of a session.
“Three...” He nods looking at Koyama for a moment with sad eyes. “Got it.”
He steps out into the hallway closing the door behind him and leaning on it with a sigh. He never thought he’d become attached to someone in this place, let alone two, but there’s a slight pull at his heart when he pieces the puzzle together.
“He’s scared.” Ueda’s voice comes from next to him. “So are you.”
“Did your fairies tell you that?”
When Ryo doesn’t get a response he opens his eyes to find himself alone. Maybe he was hearing things. He feels so tired lately. He figures a nap will do him good and wanders back to his and Ueda’s room with slow steps. As he lies down on his bed their the suddenly itchy sheets and the all too flat pillow and the blanket that just isn’t warm enough Ryo realizes that he’s been here too long and the experiment is killing him.
-
It’s a bit of a shock when Ryo gets told he has a visitor later that week. He is lead to a room specially located just for these situations (he was beginning to worry if one of these even existed), and finds a friend and classmate of his sitting at a table with a large smile.
“What the hell are you doing here,” he asks cautiously not taking a step closer to the table.
“Be nice,” Shige warns. “You’re not allowed to cause anymore trouble.” He rolls his eyes when Ryo clicks his tongue. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”
It isn’t until he sits across from Yokoyama and Shige is long gone does he speak again. “You shouldn’t be here,” he hisses.
Yokoyama laughs, “relax. No one knows. You’ve just been gone for so long. How’s the experiment?”
Ryo sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Why am I here, Yoko? I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Yokoyama isn’t really good at the comforting word shit, but he tries. Or at least, he tells Ryo that hey, the sooner he convinces people he’s sane the sooner he gets out.
“Your logic sucks ass, Yoko.”
The return smile Yokoyama gives make Ryo think that their roles should be reversed.
-
Ryo sinks into the heaven for your ass chair in Shige’s office like usually, but he seems more like he’s trying to have it eat him whole rather than get comfortable. Shige gives him a strange look which doesn’t make his face look attractive. Ryo snorts at the thought.
“You seem...depressed.”
Ryo shrugs. “Maybe.”
A long moment passes in silence between them. The clock on the wall ticks loudly in the room causing Ryo to glare at it darkly. “Can’t you get a digital clock? That ticking is annoying.”
Shige looks back at the wall then returns his gaze to Ryo. “It’s not really your problem, is it?”
“You’re being a pain in the ass Kato, why am I here?”
Shige narrows his eyes before standing up and heading over to the door. He opens it cautiously, looking up and down the hall and closing it once more. Ryo thinks he hears the faint click of a lock but he doesn’t pay it any mind. Shige’s always been a weird one in his opinion.
“Normally,” Shige’s voice is low as he folds his hand on top of his desk and leans in close. “I wouldn’t take mind to things like this but, what’s up with you and Ueda?”
Ryo scoffs. “That’s why I’m here? Whatever that freak said I don’t know what he’s talking about, we haven’t spoken in weeks.”
“That’s exactly it.” Shige’s voice is loud now, no longer the cautious whisper of a few seconds ago. “You may not realize it in your little bubble of cocky bullshit, but in his own weird, twisted, back handed way, Ueda has taken a liking to you. That doesn’t happen every fucking day.”
“Don’t lecture me!” He unfolds himself from the chair and stands up. “I don’t need this shit. I shouldn’t even be here.” Ryo heads for the door and finds it unlocked. His ears must have been playing tricks on him. Snatching the door open has him run face first into Ueda awkwardly. After an awkward pause he pushes past Ueda and stalks off down the hall.
He’s not out of earshot before he hears Ueda say, “He’s terrified, Shige. And I think it’s my fault.”
-
It’s a cold day in February when Ueda approaches Ryo. As of late, Ryo’s kept to himself. He only talks during group (finally having given up being difficult) and sometimes, depending on who it is, the volunteers. Ryo’s sitting in the day room right where he used to play games with Koyama when Ueda sits down across from him. His hair is longer now, the parts in the front hanging into his eyes, giving off more of a mysterious look.
“Ryo...” Ueda’s voice is as soft as ever, almost getting lost in the large room.
He glances up from the book Shige gave him. He said it was depressing just watching Ryo keep to himself all the time. “At least read a book.” Ryo thought the gesture was amusing since Shige seems to be the only doctor in this place that appears to give a damn.
“Ryo,” Ueda tries again, a lot louder this time.
Ryo smirks. “Takes you three months to say my name for the first time. Bravo.” He closes the book to take a good look at Ueda.
Ueda looks like he’s having a hard time. Not sure if he wants to be close to Ryo or to close himself up and ignore him.
“Don’t push yourself on my account.” Ryo turns away to look out the window with a deep sigh. It’s another dreary day with dark clouds and buckets of rain coming down. That’s when a deck of cards is shoved into Ryo’s face and Ueda’s looking down at the table shyly. That was....unexpected.
They play cards in silence, settling for a game that takes up all your concentration, losing track of the time until it’s dark and someone comes to say, “knock it off. Time to turn in for the night.” Ryo’s sure he hears the faint muttering of freaks but doesn’t comment on it and puts the cards away.
When they’re in the safety of their room and the lights are off, leaving it pitch black, does Ryo venture to ask a question. “What’s wrong with you, Ueda?” He’s not trying to be a smartass for once, he’s actually curious since his hunt for information died weeks ago. “Your speech is like cryptic messages, and you vanish for days at a time--why..” He swallows around the lump in his throat. “Why are you in here?”
Ueda never responds. Ryo knows he’s not a sleep, the room is too alive for that, throbbing with the energy from an awake body. He gives up on hoping for an answer though and rolls onto his side, resigning himself for a forced sleep. In his dreams he hears Ueda’s voice. It’s soft and kind, full of warmth but also sadness. It says, “the fairies became too much.”
-
In the morning Ryo is called to Inagaki’s office. There’s a serious look on his face telling Ryo not to bother to sit down, he won’t be there long enough. “Discharged,” is really all he says after that. The words slowly settling into Ryo’s head until it finally clicks. He gets to leave.
“You’re to have one last meeting with Kato after you gather your things.” Inagaki dismisses him with a wave of his hand and turning back to some very important looking paperwork.
“And by paperwork you mean...” Shige prompts looking at Ryo with a smirk.
“Crossword puzzle.”
Shige bursts out laughing at the idea of Inagaki bent over his desk working furiously on a crossword puzzle. “How is that my senior?”
Ryo snorts, “easy.” He says settling back in the heaven for your as chair. “You do all the work, he doesn’t.”
“Figures.”
Ryo works his butt into the chair and sighs contently. “I love your office. It’s so much more comfortable than Inagaki’s. And I want this fucking chair, Kato.”
“If I knew where they bought the furnishing for my office I’d tell you Ryo.” Shige’s eyes crinkle when he laughs hard. Ryo’s going to miss that.
“Bullshit. I bet you this is the only chair this soft.” He scoots to the edge of chair. “Have you ever sat in the ones in Inagaki’s office. Fucking. Bricks.”
Shige snorts. “They look like they’ve been through a time warp. Wrong century.”
“Right?! Get with the times!”
Their laughter dies down after a while and Shige writes one last thing in Ryo’s file before closing it. There’s a sad smile on his face that almost, almost breaks Ryo’s heart.
Before anything heartfelt and sappy can happen, Ryo stands and stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets. “Catch you on the outside Shige. Try to have some fun without me here.” He struts out of the office.
Ueda watches expressionless from the far off end of the day room, eyes trained on Ryo sharply. He feels them, watching him as he moves and saves goodbye to a few people. When Ryo turns to look though, Ueda’s eyes are trained out the window at nothing.
He contemplates going over there, but in the end leaves without a word.
-
Heavy reliance upon psychotropic medication tacitly contributes to depersonalization by convincing staff that treatment is indeed being conducted and that further patient contact may not be necessary. Even here, however, caution needs to be exercised in understanding the role of psychotropic drugs. If patients were powerful rather than powerless, if they were viewed as interesting individuals rather than diagnostic entities, if they were socially significant rather than social lepers, if their anguish truly and wholly compelled our sympathies and concerns, would we not seek contact with them, despite the availability of medications? Perhaps for the pleasure of it all?*
A few years pass and people read Ryo’s study. He sometimes hears people mention it when he’s out. From spending those months in the hospital with those people it burns at Ryos nerves when he hears derogatory comments about the mentally ill. He doesn't say anything though. He’s in the real world now and has to act accordingly.
His study got him some recognition. Ryo currently spends three days a week helping instruct a psychology class at the university for two to three hours. When he feels up to it, Ryo begins to plan his next study, though he doesn't get too far before thinking of something else.
He’s almost forgotten all about Ueda and his fairies until one terribly cold October day when he’s standing at the corner waiting to cross the street and head over to the combin when someone stands right in between him and the street light.
Ryo has half a mind to lash out and say, “There is an entire fucing sidewalk you can stand on.” But he doesn’t because this is the real world and he is an adult who needs to act accordingly.
A low soft voice brushes past Ryo’s ear. It sends shivers down his spine. "You think its boring living life out here; following the rules of society; acting so called normal. Keeping certain thoughts and opinions to yourself because they’ll judge you for them the moment you say something."
Ryo knows that voice. He’s about to think he really is losing his mind and hearing voices. But he automatically answers, mouth working before his brain. "Did your fairies tell you that?" the question is out before he even realizes it. He smirks.
A breathy laugh comes next causing Ryo to look over. There standing next to him is Ueda. His hair is grown out and theres a hat low on his head. He has his hands shoved into his pockets of the cardigan he has on. Even now in the real world there’s an air of mystery about him that just screams out to Ryo, asking him to figure it out.
"Yes," he says with a small smile. "They tell me a lot of things." The look on Ueda face speaks more than his word.
Finally, how many patients might be "sane" outside the psychiatric hospital but seem insane in it -- not because craziness resides in them, as it were, but because they are responding to a bizarre setting, one that may be unique to institutions which harbor nether people? Goffman [4] calls the process of socialization to such institutions "mortification' -- an apt metaphor that includes the processes of depersonalization that have been described here. And while it is impossible to know whether the pseudopatients' responses to these processes are characteristic of all inmates -- they were, after all, not real patients -- it is difficult to believe that these processes of socialization to a psychiatric hospital provide useful attitudes or habits of response for living in the "real world."*
Poll Team AU Prompt 7