Prompt 1: Future Memories - Team Present
Title: Future memories
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kanjani8? No real pairings, though I suppose you could find a hint of Hina/Subaru in there if you squint.
Summary: Subaru remembers.
Prompt: Kanjani8 - Osaka Rainy Blues
Warnings: Sad thoughts?
Notes: Thanks M. for betaing this for me! ILUSM. Also, I suppose this fic follows the feeling of the prompt more than the actual lyrics, but I hope you can find some of it in there anyway.
One day, Subaru thought, one day he'd be married and he'd have children and one day, when they would be sitting together, his children would ask him to talk about his life.
Oton, they'd say, won't you tell us about your life as a Johnny? And they'd expect a story of glamour and adventures, a life filled with amazing surprises.
Subaru wondered if he should lie to them.
What do you remember most of all, his wife would ask him, and he'd shake his head and refuse to answer. How could he ever answer that question truthfully? What he remembered most was pain.
-----
There was no way Subaru would ever feel like that again, the way he'd felt in those days, the glory days, those lovely, amazing days before everything changed. He knew he probably hadn't been, and still wasn't, the only one with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, but he just knew he felt them more strongly than anyone else (at times he thought he felt everything more strongly than other people, but there was no way to be sure).
The golden days had been over and they had been reduced to nothing, to part-timers working hard to make a living without even knowing if they'd ever feel the thrill of being the main act at a concert. That had been their little group then - rejected from Tokyo to fend for themselves in Osaka, watching the Tokyo kids they used to shine with shine more brightly without them.
Subaru had been close to giving up.
The quiet days, is how Yoko used to call this period, and it had been quiet in many ways. There had been no work for them and they hardly got to see each other, but Subaru hadn't really been sure if he'd minded. In those days, it had been quiet in his head as well and it had felt good. It had been a while since the last time he could actually hear himself think over the dark voices in his head suggesting even darker things.
-----
You were quite famous, weren't you, his daughter would ask him, her eyes shining proudly, after all, her father had been an idol in his days. And Subaru would smile and nod and say yes, dear, your father was really something back then. And again he'd feel like he was lying.
-----
Maybe he shouldn't have done it. Maybe he shouldn't have tried to be someone he wasn't - or to show his real colours, at this point he really wasn't sure what the truth was any longer. Maybe if he'd just done as he'd always done, he'd have gotten what he'd always gotten. Which didn't exactly sound like the most exciting life, but it would have saved him a lot of arguments... and wouldn't have cost him a friend. Perhaps.
Thinking back, he remembered the times when he'd thought that maybe he should have just quit. He'd wanted to, he'd considered it many times, for many reasons that nobody would ever really understand. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit he hadn't even quite understood them himself at times. Either way, he had felt, back then, that he should have just quit while there had still been something to quit. It would all have been for the best.
He would have quit, probably, but then that drama had come up and despite the management's misgivings he'd agreed to play a part in it and it had been good, in a slightly sickening way. It hadn't done his reputation any good, though, and that's when his problems had become difficult to handle.
Maybe he shouldn't have gotten that tattoo. He regretted it now, a little, sometimes. He'd made the decision for all the wrong reasons and now it just reminded him of his state of mind from that time, not too long ago, when just giving up hadn't seemed like enough. When other thoughts had been in his mind, thoughts that he didn't dare speak out loud or even think now.
He wasn't quite sure why he still had recordings of old TV show episodes from those days, but at times like this he liked to watch them, cringing at his gloomy image. If he'd known the term 'emo kid', he'd probably have called himself that. Seeing himself like that depressed him, but sometimes feeling that way was a good thing; it put things into perspective. His younger days had been so great, of course he had been destined to fall.
It hadn't all been bad, though, no matter how tempting it was to think so. If anything good had come from being sent back home, it was that he'd found some inner piece in the familiar surroundings, hearing the dialect he'd grown up with. His career had seemed over but at least he'd still had Osaka.
On good days, he had visited Hina at the amusement park, smiling a little at how at home his friend seemed there even though it wasn't even close to the future he'd imagined for himself. Hina would run around like a mother hen making sure he was okay, fed, not about to do anything stupid. Subaru had been grateful, though he'd hardly ever showed it. He hadn't known how Hina had always seemed to find out about the way he'd sit at home, staring at nothing for hours on end, thinking about how his life had already ended before it had really begun. If Subaru had been the kind to shed tears, Hina would have been the one he'd have cried to. If Subaru had been ready to allow anyone new into his heart, Hina would have been the one.
Sometimes, he'd picked Yoko up from his job at the construction site, going to dance practice with him, flailing at how tired and worn out the guy looked and whispering sweet nothings against his shoulder, promising it would all be better. He didn't known where he'd even found the words - it wasn't like he'd actually believed them himself. Maybe Hina's caring nature had been rubbing off on him, it was hard to tell.
He had wondered what the others were doing, sometimes, but they'd never really been friends and Subaru couldn't find it in himself to contact them. It was hard enough with people he was actually close to; visiting people he didn't know that well seemed like an impossible task. He'd stayed away. All he'd known was that the young ones were gaining experience with their own little band and that the other guy was doing his own projects as always, and that had been enough.
-----
No, famous wasn't the word he'd use for himself, but of course his children wouldn't be talking about those days. They wouldn't even know about that, all they'd know is that their father used to be a star. Come on, his wife would smile, there were good times, too, right? Didn't you love your job? And Subaru would nod more forcefully now, agreeing. Yes, despite everything, he had really loved his job.
-----
It had been his love of music that had saved him. Seeing the bands he loved, realising how much they meant to the audience and how happy fans were to interact with them, Subaru had known that he wanted this as well. Fans scared him a little, but making them happy seemed like the most important thing he could do in his life. No matter how difficult the road ahead had seemed to be at that time, no matter how many obstacles he'd still encounter, being a musician had been what he was born to do and nobody could take that away from him, even if they'd already taken everything else. Somehow, he would still be able to do it.
-----
We made it in the end, his friends would say, messily drinking beer on his couch, listening in with the same lack of manners they'd always had, after everything that happened, we were finally successful.
-----
Perhaps fate listened to people's inner wishes, maybe seeing a way out meant getting a way out. Subaru wasn't sure how it all worked, how all of this had suddenly happened to them, but once they got their own show, once they officially formed a band, once they became eight, it seemed to him that everything went effortlessly. They still had to work harder than anyone else, with less money than anyone else, with tackier clothes and smaller venues, but his faith in music had been restored and they were all in this together. No, it would never again be like the glory days, but there was still a future for them, a future that would shine.
-----
His wife would smile, the children would laugh, and he, Subaru, he'd try not to cry. Happy tears, of course, because it was true. In the end they'd made it. In the end, until the end, they were Kanjani8.
Finished reading? Rate this fic!
Poll Team Present: Future Memories
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kanjani8? No real pairings, though I suppose you could find a hint of Hina/Subaru in there if you squint.
Summary: Subaru remembers.
Prompt: Kanjani8 - Osaka Rainy Blues
Warnings: Sad thoughts?
Notes: Thanks M. for betaing this for me! ILUSM. Also, I suppose this fic follows the feeling of the prompt more than the actual lyrics, but I hope you can find some of it in there anyway.
One day, Subaru thought, one day he'd be married and he'd have children and one day, when they would be sitting together, his children would ask him to talk about his life.
Oton, they'd say, won't you tell us about your life as a Johnny? And they'd expect a story of glamour and adventures, a life filled with amazing surprises.
Subaru wondered if he should lie to them.
What do you remember most of all, his wife would ask him, and he'd shake his head and refuse to answer. How could he ever answer that question truthfully? What he remembered most was pain.
-----
There was no way Subaru would ever feel like that again, the way he'd felt in those days, the glory days, those lovely, amazing days before everything changed. He knew he probably hadn't been, and still wasn't, the only one with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, but he just knew he felt them more strongly than anyone else (at times he thought he felt everything more strongly than other people, but there was no way to be sure).
The golden days had been over and they had been reduced to nothing, to part-timers working hard to make a living without even knowing if they'd ever feel the thrill of being the main act at a concert. That had been their little group then - rejected from Tokyo to fend for themselves in Osaka, watching the Tokyo kids they used to shine with shine more brightly without them.
Subaru had been close to giving up.
The quiet days, is how Yoko used to call this period, and it had been quiet in many ways. There had been no work for them and they hardly got to see each other, but Subaru hadn't really been sure if he'd minded. In those days, it had been quiet in his head as well and it had felt good. It had been a while since the last time he could actually hear himself think over the dark voices in his head suggesting even darker things.
-----
You were quite famous, weren't you, his daughter would ask him, her eyes shining proudly, after all, her father had been an idol in his days. And Subaru would smile and nod and say yes, dear, your father was really something back then. And again he'd feel like he was lying.
-----
Maybe he shouldn't have done it. Maybe he shouldn't have tried to be someone he wasn't - or to show his real colours, at this point he really wasn't sure what the truth was any longer. Maybe if he'd just done as he'd always done, he'd have gotten what he'd always gotten. Which didn't exactly sound like the most exciting life, but it would have saved him a lot of arguments... and wouldn't have cost him a friend. Perhaps.
Thinking back, he remembered the times when he'd thought that maybe he should have just quit. He'd wanted to, he'd considered it many times, for many reasons that nobody would ever really understand. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit he hadn't even quite understood them himself at times. Either way, he had felt, back then, that he should have just quit while there had still been something to quit. It would all have been for the best.
He would have quit, probably, but then that drama had come up and despite the management's misgivings he'd agreed to play a part in it and it had been good, in a slightly sickening way. It hadn't done his reputation any good, though, and that's when his problems had become difficult to handle.
Maybe he shouldn't have gotten that tattoo. He regretted it now, a little, sometimes. He'd made the decision for all the wrong reasons and now it just reminded him of his state of mind from that time, not too long ago, when just giving up hadn't seemed like enough. When other thoughts had been in his mind, thoughts that he didn't dare speak out loud or even think now.
He wasn't quite sure why he still had recordings of old TV show episodes from those days, but at times like this he liked to watch them, cringing at his gloomy image. If he'd known the term 'emo kid', he'd probably have called himself that. Seeing himself like that depressed him, but sometimes feeling that way was a good thing; it put things into perspective. His younger days had been so great, of course he had been destined to fall.
It hadn't all been bad, though, no matter how tempting it was to think so. If anything good had come from being sent back home, it was that he'd found some inner piece in the familiar surroundings, hearing the dialect he'd grown up with. His career had seemed over but at least he'd still had Osaka.
On good days, he had visited Hina at the amusement park, smiling a little at how at home his friend seemed there even though it wasn't even close to the future he'd imagined for himself. Hina would run around like a mother hen making sure he was okay, fed, not about to do anything stupid. Subaru had been grateful, though he'd hardly ever showed it. He hadn't known how Hina had always seemed to find out about the way he'd sit at home, staring at nothing for hours on end, thinking about how his life had already ended before it had really begun. If Subaru had been the kind to shed tears, Hina would have been the one he'd have cried to. If Subaru had been ready to allow anyone new into his heart, Hina would have been the one.
Sometimes, he'd picked Yoko up from his job at the construction site, going to dance practice with him, flailing at how tired and worn out the guy looked and whispering sweet nothings against his shoulder, promising it would all be better. He didn't known where he'd even found the words - it wasn't like he'd actually believed them himself. Maybe Hina's caring nature had been rubbing off on him, it was hard to tell.
He had wondered what the others were doing, sometimes, but they'd never really been friends and Subaru couldn't find it in himself to contact them. It was hard enough with people he was actually close to; visiting people he didn't know that well seemed like an impossible task. He'd stayed away. All he'd known was that the young ones were gaining experience with their own little band and that the other guy was doing his own projects as always, and that had been enough.
-----
No, famous wasn't the word he'd use for himself, but of course his children wouldn't be talking about those days. They wouldn't even know about that, all they'd know is that their father used to be a star. Come on, his wife would smile, there were good times, too, right? Didn't you love your job? And Subaru would nod more forcefully now, agreeing. Yes, despite everything, he had really loved his job.
-----
It had been his love of music that had saved him. Seeing the bands he loved, realising how much they meant to the audience and how happy fans were to interact with them, Subaru had known that he wanted this as well. Fans scared him a little, but making them happy seemed like the most important thing he could do in his life. No matter how difficult the road ahead had seemed to be at that time, no matter how many obstacles he'd still encounter, being a musician had been what he was born to do and nobody could take that away from him, even if they'd already taken everything else. Somehow, he would still be able to do it.
-----
We made it in the end, his friends would say, messily drinking beer on his couch, listening in with the same lack of manners they'd always had, after everything that happened, we were finally successful.
-----
Perhaps fate listened to people's inner wishes, maybe seeing a way out meant getting a way out. Subaru wasn't sure how it all worked, how all of this had suddenly happened to them, but once they got their own show, once they officially formed a band, once they became eight, it seemed to him that everything went effortlessly. They still had to work harder than anyone else, with less money than anyone else, with tackier clothes and smaller venues, but his faith in music had been restored and they were all in this together. No, it would never again be like the glory days, but there was still a future for them, a future that would shine.
-----
His wife would smile, the children would laugh, and he, Subaru, he'd try not to cry. Happy tears, of course, because it was true. In the end they'd made it. In the end, until the end, they were Kanjani8.
Finished reading? Rate this fic!
Poll Team Present: Future Memories