mission report for ender839
Title: Nagase
Groups/Pairings: TOKIO, Arashi, SMAP, with special guest appearances from other groups. Implied Nagase/Riisa, Nino/Jun (just to make a cheap joke, tbh) and some other pairs that don’t actually matter in the long run.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Foul language, violence, horrible humour, potty jokes.
Summary: Nagase, best field agent of Johnny's, finds out he's a little in over his head when an unexpected being attacks Japan.
Notes: There were very specific things that stood out to me in your app. Then there were the hilarious bits that stood out, and I have a horrible habit of just taking random things and combining them. I ended up with Nagase/Riisa and Nino/Jun for a chance at a very cheap joke, so this was really close to being Nagase/Ladies or just gen. Okay, it's really Nagase/Ladies. This also took a lot longer to plan than I had intended it to. Anyway! I hope you enjoy it, and that it's good for a laugh or two. I'd never written Nagase before, to this extent, just to note, so I was a bit unsure of what I was doing at times. Thank god he's dumb. Basically, this is Archer fic with a twist, possibly because I watched the Cornetto Trilogy recently. This also includes really shoddy science, because Archer and I'm just making it up as I go here.
“Sir, your breakfast is ready.”
This is all Nagase hears in his sleep, where he’s having quite the dream of two very freaky ladies. Two freaky ladies that are slowly dissolving as he comes to reality, finally waking up.
Blinking, he wonders why his arms are both asleep, even though he’s lying on his back. He glances over, and sees the two freaky ladies, one asleep on each arm. Smiling, he pulls his arms from under them. Neither of them awakens.
He grunts when he gets to the table, looking at his “butler” before saying “Beer me.”
“But sir, it’s only nine in the morning,” his butler says. “You should be drinking coffee or juice.”
“Look, Leader, I appreciate it, really, but I’ve been drinking for three days straight. I’m really not looking forward to what happens when I have to deal with my hangover.”
“As you wish, sir.” Leader says, as he grabs him a pint. “By the way, Nakai-chan is on hold.”
“Shit!” Nagase says as he reaches for his phone. “You couldn’t say that at the start?”
“I was getting there,” Leader says with a shrug. “When do you want me to show your guests out?”
“Uhh, when I’m gone,” Nagase says as he grabs the phone, taking it off hold. “Y’ello.”
“Nagase, you were supposed to be in over an hour ago,” says the voice over the phone. “We can’t start the operation without you.”
“Oh, umm…” Nagase says, brain racing, “I wasn’t feeling so well.”
“Right…” Nakai says with a long pause. “Well, unfortunately, I think we might just need you to come in today.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll be there in twenty,” Nagase says, hanging up the phone.
An hour later.
“’Sup Taichi-kun?” Nagase says, passing him by when he finally gets to the office.
“You know, Nakai-kun is really annoyed, thanks to you,” Taichi says with a glare, walking away, grumbling about the screeching calls of a sick bird.
Nagase only shrugs, walking to Nakai’s office, beer in hand.
When he finally gets there, stopping on the way to talk to Jun, the desk boy, and Sho, the accountant, he walks in to Nakai and his obvious angry screech, which only intensifies once he walks in.
“Glad you could finally join us!” Nakai screeches at him.
“With the destruction of my hearing, I’m not sure if I’m as glad,” Nagase says, walking over to sit beside Nino in front of the desk. “So, what’s the sitch?”
Nakai and Nino both roll their eyes before Nakai starts talking about the mission, rolling out the video screen behind the bookshelf.
“So, the Most Highe and Evile Emperor Inagaki has recently gotten his hands on some very important building plans. He’s run off to Korea with his translator, Kusanagi, and his single minion, though it’s a wonder they can even work together at times, Shingo. Basically, what you need to do is retrieve said information, and as it is concealed by a very tough code, the likelihood of him having already read it is small,” Nakai says, putting the screen away. “So, do you understand your objective?”
Nino and Nagase respond in unison with a “Yes sir!”
Nakai smiles at them, tightly, waving at them to leave, which they do, not that quickly, though.
Right before leaving the room, Nagase stops and turns back to Nakai, “Why do we call him the Most Highe and Evile Emperor Inagaki if he’s not an emperor?”
Nakai glares at him before turning in his chair with a huff. “It’s just what he prefers to be called.”
“I see,” Nagase says before exiting the room entirely.
Three hours later.
“And so, I said to them last night…” Nagase says, pausing to take a swig of some more beer, “… Wanna go back to my place and see my sweet, sweet pad? I’ll even use my spy gear for fun and games.”
“You know, Nagase, I really don’t want to hear about this right now,” Nino says, looking from their hiding spot with binoculars.
“Why not?” Nagase says with an offended face. “Is it because you’re jealous, especially after that one night of ours?”
Nino doesn’t respond, focusing on waiting and watching for Inagaki and his posse.
Nagase, unfortunately, is bored and goes, “Nino.”
A pause. “Nino.”
“Nino.”
“Nino!”
“Nino!”
“NINO!”
Nino whips his head around to look at Nagase. “WHAT?”
“Taking your silence as a sign of jealousy,” Nagase says with a smile.
Nino sighs, looking down. “Nagase, we have never gotten together. Not even once.”
“Ooooh, right…” Nagase says, thinking. “That was your doppelganger, Riisa-chan, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it was,” Nino says, turning back to the binoculars. “Besides, like I’d ever date you.”
“You say that,” Nagase says, grinning, “but then again, I guess you have your desk boy.”
“Exactly.”
Nagase digs out his beer flask from his pocket and takes a swig. “Hey, doesn’t he get turned on by physical pain or something? I can’t imagine him being choked by you with your tiny, tiny hands and all.”
Nino lets out a frustrated noise before going dead silent, leaning into the binoculars. “They’re here.”
“Oh, showtime,” Nagase says, standing up, fixing his shirt. “Time to act like a raging drunk tourist.”
“Not like that’s hard. It’s exactly what you are,” Nino says with a grin.
“Exactly,” Nagase says, returning the gesture.
Nino can only shake his head to this with a smile. “Go get ‘em, Tiger.”
What happens after seems like slow motion. Nagase, carrying his flask, walks towards Inagaki, stumbling, only to be stopped by the bodyguard, Shingo.
“Wha d’ya want?” Nagase says, slurring.
“Sir, I think you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, you’re drunk!” Nagase says, flinging his arms up in the air.
“Sir, you really should calm down,” Shingo says, visibly amused.
“Oh, I guess I should calm down, maybe take a…” Nagase says, easing his flailing into punching Shingo close enough to the ear to cause him to lose his balance, “nap, if you say so.”
While all of this is going on, Nagase distracting Inagaki and Kusanagi, Nino goes up behind them, slipping the fake disc into the bag to replace the real one now in his hand. He’s really glad he learnt sleight of hand now.
Signalling to Nagase, Nino walks away to meet him in a restaurant a few blocks away.
Nagase, not reacting to the signal, looks down at the guy regaining his balance. “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, man,” he slurs, helping Shingo up.
“It’s okay,” Shingo says, smiling. “How about we get you a cab?”
“That’d be nice,” Nagase says, putting his arm around the man.
“Okay,” Shingo says, walking him to the road and flagging down a cab.
“Please drop him off at…” Shingo begins, pausing to look at Nagase. “Where are you staying?”
“The Marriott.”
“Where he said,” Shingo says, shutting the door and walking away.
Once the cab is rolling, though, Nagase kindly asks the driver to drop him off at his meeting place with Nino.
Meanwhile.
As Shingo walks back to Inagaki, he’s suddenly struck by how familiar the man looked, realising, as he reaches Inagaki and Kusanagi, that it was the number one agent of Johnny’s, Nagase Tomoya. “Fuck.”
Inagaki and Kusanagi give him puzzled looks, from which Shingo explains, causing them to search for the disc. When they find it still sitting there, they’re relieved, not realising that on the disc in their possession is a virus of a dancing Peter Pan-esque cartoon trio spelling out “SIN”.
Three hours later
After relaxing in Korea and letting Nakai know they had the disc, Nino and Nagase finally get to fly back home. They don’t sit together on the flight, and when they return they part ways to meet up at the agency. Nagase on his motorcycle; Nino in his Pajero. Nagase gets to the agency first. That’s probably because of how easily he could manoeuvre through the ridiculous traffic, though.
Deciding that seeing Nakai right away was pointless, Nagase heads towards the lab to visit Aiba, the resident scientist.
“Aiba-kun!” Nagase says, walking into the lab. “Create anything interesting as of late?”
“Huh?” Aiba says before removing his goggles to look at Nagase. “Oh, no, not really. I’m working to create an antidote for any epidemic though. Zombie, small pox, etc. You never know when the city will be attacked by zombies.”
“You raise a very good point, Aiba-kun!” Nagase says.
Nagase’s phone ends up interrupting any further conversation. Nagase, tempted to let it go to voice mail, ends up answering it when he sees that it’s Nino.
“Y’ello.”
“Hey, I’m stuck in traffic. You should come and get me,” Nino says in a very matter-of-fact voice.
“I’m sure you can make it.”
“No, literally, I’m stuck in traffic. It is not moving and a lot of people have abandoned their cars already.”
“What? Why the fuck would they even do that in the first place?” Nagase says. “You should loot their cars.”
Nino sighs. “I’m not going to do that. Just get here! I’m sure Aiba-kun placed a tracker on me, so just use that to find me.”
Nagase moves the phone away from him, covering the receiver. “Did you put a tracker on Nino?”
Aiba smiles and nods, starting about how he’s put a tracker on everyone, but they’ll never find them.
Nagase ignores his prattling and goes back to the phone. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as possible. Do you have a helmet?”
“I do,” Nino says.
“Good. I don’t want you flying off, after all.”
All Nagase hears after that is the dial tone.
“So, can you track him?” Nagase asks, turning to Aiba.
“Already did!” Aiba proudly exclaims.
Nagase walks up to look at the screen. Fuck, he thinks, he’s on a fucking bridge. “Thanks, buddy!” Nagase says, slapping Aiba on the back before leaving to retrieve Nino.
One hour later
Because of how fast Nagase had gotten back to the agency, he is really surprised by the traffic. The abandoned traffic is at a complete standstill, to be more specific. Driving through, he weaves between parked cars, some of them still running, some of them with their doors open, some of them with blood on the windows… Oh, shit, that was a dead body. Fuck, it just moved.
Nagase refocuses on the road ahead of him, ignoring everything until reaching the bridge Nino’s on. This is going to be a little trickier, but as it turns out, it’s a bridge with a walking path, not that it would help this time at all. The path is littered with possessions left behind. Bicycles. Bags. Arms. All kinds of things, really.
Sighing, he starts, going slower than he wanted. Eventually he does spot the Pajero, the silver paint giving its location away. Well, that and the people surrounding it, leaving bloody streaks down the windows and sides.
“What the fuck…” Nagase says out loud, causing the closest one to turn and look at him, eyes blank. “No, seriously, what the fuck is going on?”
The closest one lets out a low groan, and begins to walk toward Nagase. This causes the others surrounding the Pajero to do the same.
Revving his motorcycle, Nagase goes to run them down, but he doesn’t get the chance when gunshots ring through the air, along with a voice yelling, “Nagase, you fuck face, why don’t you just shoot them?”
Nagase’s shocked as he watches each of them go down after a headshot. “Why the fuck would I shoot them?”
“Because they’re fucking zombies, you asshole,” Nino says, walking to the motorbike with his helmet under his arm.
“Zombies!” Nagase just shakes his head, checking his gun. “You’re fucking joking, right?”
“Yes, I’m joking.”
“Oh, thank fucking god.”
Nino hops onto the back of the bike. “Oh my god, I’m not actually joking. Do you not understand sarcasm?”
“I do,” Nagase says, putting the kickstand up, getting ready to go. “If they could be taken out that easily, why didn’t you just shoot them earlier?”
“Eh, I needed bait. Didn’t want to get bitten or get scratched by glass shards.” Nino says matter-of-factly.
“Annoying.” No more words could be said due to the roar of the motorcycle, as they take off back to the office.
One hour later.
The next issue they encounter when they return to the agency is the broken glass of the entrance Laundromat. Well, that and the now zombie shopkeeper, Koyama.
“So, how exactly are we supposed to get inside?” Nino hisses from around the corner, gun at the ready.
“I don’t know. Can’t we just shoot him?” Nagase says. “He wasn’t like this when I left to get you.”
“I guessed as much, or else you wouldn’t have been such a clueless ass back there,” Nino says, rolling his eyes.
“Do you think we can fix him?” Nagase says, suddenly remembering, “I mean, Aiba-kun was working on an outbreak medicine or something the last time I was talking to him.”
“You’re shitting me,” Nino says, looking at him with a blank face.
“No, really!” Nagase says, smiling. “He said it might be able to fix zombie outbreaks.”
“Why the fuck would Aiba-kun be…” Nino says, slowly, “Fuck, he didn’t start this by accident, did he?”
“I don’t think so…” Nagase thinks for a moment. “Why would he?”
“I don’t know, because he’s Aiba-kun,” Nino says. “Let’s detain Koyama and then head up there to talk to him.”
“Shove him in a dryer?” Nagase says, ready to take off.
“May as well,” Nino says with a shrug.
Nino heads in first to distract Koyama and get him into the area around the dryer. Opening the door, he quickly ducks out of the way as Nagase hits him from behind, causing him to fall right in.
Slamming the door shut, they move a shelf so it’s right in front of the door.
Looking at each other with faces of a job well done, they head up the back staircase to the agency offices, only to run to Aiba’s lab. A lab he happens to still be in, thankfully.
“Aiba!” Nino yells, catching his breath. “Why the fuck is there a zombie infestation happening?”
Aiba turns around to look at Nino, confused. “A zombie infestation? I really don’t know why…”
Nino slaps his hand to his head. “You didn’t do anything by accident again, did you?”
“No! I’ve just been working on my antidote today.”
“So you didn’t do anything?” Nagase says, to which Aiba shakes his head. Nagase only brightens at that before turning to Nino. “See! I told you he’d have nothing to do with it.”
“Then how the fuck did this happen?” Nino asks angrily.
“I don’t know!” Nagase says.
Nino is about to respond back when they hear a cheerful voice from the back pipe up, “You mean there really are zombies?” Aiba exclaims with excitement.
“Yes, Aiba-kun, there really are zombies,” Nino says with tired eyes.
“You should get me one, then,” Aiba says, clapping his hands together. “I can test out my antidote.”
“Well, we have Koyama trapped in the dryer,” Nagase says.
“Excellent, bring him to me,” Aiba says, walking towards his workstation. “I’ll prepare.”
“He’s a bit bite-y, though,” Nagase complains.
“Oh, really?” Aiba digs through one of his drawers. “I have just the thing.” With that, he turns and throws a ball gag at Nagase. “Better?”
Nagase smiles. “Better.”
It doesn’t take long for them to wrestle Koyama upstairs and onto the table.
“Now, I’m going to inject this into his bloodstream, and it should hopefully take less than an hour,” Aiba explains, holding up a needle.
Nagase and Nino nod and watch him inject it. What they don’t expect is that Koyama would begin to shake violently within a matter of seconds. Holding him down, they wait until he stops moving to step away, watching Koyama’s colour come back slowly.
“Well, that seems to have worked!” Aiba says with a smile, walking away. “Now to mass produce the stuff.”
“You’re going to… Seriously?” Nino says, following him.
“Yep! You two are going to have to help me, though,” Aiba says, turning on all the equipment he needs to make it. “You’ll have to get the antidote into the water system. Should turn everyone good as new in a few days if it rains, and anyone who drinks it should be okay.”
“But if we have to get it into the water system, exactly how much are we going to need?”
“Quite a bit!” Aiba says. “This is only the start, though. Then we need fog machines. Lots and lots of fog machines.”
“Fog machines…” Nagase mumbles to himself. “Oh! To distribute through the air in centralized locations?”
“Exactly!” Aiba says with a smile. “You know your stuff, Nagase-kun.”
To that, Nagase only looks at Aiba with self-pride while Nino gapes at the two of them, unsure what to think.
A half hour later.
“It’s done!” Aiba exclaims with excitement, running the four-litre bottle to where Nagase and Nino are sitting, in the break room.
Nagase looks up from the snack he’s eating. “So, we should probably head out, then?”
“Yep!” Aiba says, placing it on the table in front of them. “Just get it to the water treatment plant as soon as you can.”
“Okay,” Nagase says, giving him the thumbs up before standing up. “Let’s roll, Nino.”
Nino only sighs and stands up slowly. It’s already been a busy day, and he’d really like nothing better than going home to play some games.
Collecting ammo, they head out quickly, taking the motorcycle, dodging everything littering the road as they go.
It’s after about twenty minutes when problems hit. The road is littered with corpses and there is no way the bike is getting through that at all. It’s something Nino had been noticing as they go along, that the closer they were getting to the water treatment plant, the more bodies there were. Almost as if it had started from there…
It also happened that they ran out of gas, because Nagase forgot to fill it for a few days.
“Fuck!” Nagase yells, taking off his helmet. “We were so close!”
“Yeah, we were,” Nino says, doing the same. “But no, you had to forget to fill the gas. Now we’re completely exposed!”
“Well… I know a place we can stop on the way there,” Nagase says. “They may have transportation for us.”
“Seriously…” Nino can only shake his head. “You would, and I don’t want to know what it is.”
“Suit yourself!” Nagase says, walking off. “It’s this way, you coming?”
“Yes,” Nino says, jogging a bit to catch up.
At this point, it’s getting later in the day, and the sun is beginning to go down, casting weird, long shadows. It’s also getting to the point where Nagase’s bladder is about to burst. He’d downed more beer at the office and had forgotten to go to the bathroom before he left.
“Ahh, fuck man… I need to pee,” he says, looking at Nino.
Nino rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. “You’d think you could do that before we left.”
“I didn’t need to pee then, now, did I?” Nagase says, looking around. “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to go in the alley.”
“Fine.” Nino shakes his head, sitting down on some steps leading into a building. “I’ll wait here.”
Nino watches him run awkwardly into the back lane, and listens to him making noises as he pees. Everything he had expected to hear, until of course he hears, “Give me any weapons and money you have, and everything will be fine.”
“Fuck,” Nino mutters, slowly going towards the alley and peering around to find Nagase, still relieving himself and being held at gunpoint by a yankee wearing sunglasses.
Rolling his eyes, Nino tiptoes to get behind the yankee, readying his gun.
“Piss off, buddy,” Nagase says, tucking himself back in. “I don’t have anything for you.”
“I don’t believe that one bit,” the yankee yells, cocking the gun.
Nino rolls his eyes, holding the gun up to the man’s head. “I believe you should believe my friend here. We really don’t have anything for you.” Nino smirks. “So if you could please put your gun down.”
The yankee, not really shaken, but perhaps a bit broken, does as he’s told. “I’m sorry, I just really need to get out of here. Everyone I know has been turned into zombies and who the fuck takes a piss in a dark alley during something like this, anyway?”
Nagase shrugs. “Someone whom may be a little bit over drunk.”
“Seriously?” The yankee’s voice cracks when he says this.
Nino just sighs, grabbing the yankee’s gun and putting his own away. “Pretty much. Now, I see you aren’t zombie-fied yet, and you seem to be the only one around, so you may as well come with us.”
“Go with you, towards the corpses? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Not really, and I’m taking your gun, so you can risk it, or you can come with us,” Nino says, beginning to unload it. “And you seem to have no ammo. Fuck, you’re dumb.”
“Eh, it was worth a try.” The yankee extends his hand to Nino. “I’m Matsuoka, by the way, but you can just call me Mabo.”
Nino takes it, giving it a good shake, and finally taking a good look at how tall the guy really is. “Nino, and that’s Nagase. We should really get going.”
Nagase stands there for a moment, not sure what to think before yelling, “Hey, don’t you want to shake my hand?”
“Not on your life,” Mabo yells back, “or at least not until you’ve found some water to wash them with.”
“Fine then!” Nagase yells, catching up to them. Nino giggles.
They walk for another ten minutes before Nagase stops cold, although neither Nino nor Mabo notices until Nagase yells at them.
“Yo! You guys, it’s down here,” he says, pointing at stairs leading underground.
“This is really looking like it’s not going to have any transportation, Nagase,” Nino says, walking back, Mabo tailing him.
“You never know, my friend, you never know.”
When they go down, Nagase knocks on the door in a very specific rhythm. The doors open quickly and with a creak only heavy metal doors could give off. Just down the hall, they’re greeted by a shorter man.
“Nagase! I was wondering what would happen to you?” he says with a smile. “Haven’t been turned into a zombie, I see.”
“Gussan! No, not at all! There’s no way Johnny’s top agent would even.” Nagase walks with him to a larger room with a cage in the middle. Nino and Mabo follow without a word.
“Now, listen, you have some competition. A newcomer and his bear, Pooh, have joined the group,” Gussan says, motioning to the cage. “I think Yogi and him would have a good fight.”
“Maybe next time, Gussan,” Nagase says, looking at him. “Do you have any transportation by any chance?”
“I don’t, no. My car broke down yesterday,” Gussan says with a sad face. “But! The newcomer showed up here earlier and is sitting in the lounge. Maybe they can help you out?”
“I’ll check with him, then,” Nagase says, walking towards the lounge, leaving Nino and Mabo to look around the fight room.
Nagase is shocked when he finds the newcomer in the lounge. Mostly because, as it turns out, the newcomer is their very own HR man at Johnny’s, Kokubun Taichi.
“Nagase-kun, yo!” Taichi says, holding up his hand in greeting.
“Taichi-kun… What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I had the rest of the day off,” Taichi says with a shrug. “Decided to come here to relax. Great lounge, right?”
“Uhh, yeah. It is. I own part of it,” Nagase says, sitting down. “Now, listen Taichi, I know you aren’t a field agent, but do you think you could help us?”
“Oh? Help you with what?”
“We need transportation to the water treatment plant,” Nagase says.
“Well, I took the bus here, then the zombies happened. Figured this was a good place to stay,” Taichi says. “But I’m more than willing to help you get there. Just need to find a car with some gas and I can get us there in a jiff.” He smiles.
“Good,” Nagase says, getting up. “We should go now.”
Walking out with Taichi in tow, Nagase is amused by Nino’s surprised face.
“Really? REALLY? Taichi-kun, what the fuck?” Nino exclaims.
“Umm, I just really like fighting bears, and I need the money?” Taichi says with a shrug.
Nagase just nods to that. “Seems pretty straight forward.”
“I know, right?” Taichi laughs a bit.
“We’re going now. Coming?” Nagase says to Nino and Mabo.
Nino steps forward to join Nagase and Taichi, turning to look expectantly at Mabo.
“Umm, I think I’m going to stay here, guys. It seems pretty safe.”
Nagase, Nino, and Taichi all shrug at once, saying, “Suit yourself.”
They end up finding a sleek black car a few blocks away, one Taichi easily hotwires, almost as if he’s done it before.
“Hop in.” Taichi says, holding the door open.
Nino slides into the back, looking at Taichi. “I feel like I should be surprised, but I’m not surprised.”
“Same,” Nagase says, getting into the passenger’s side in the front.
Taichi only shrugs with a smile before getting into the driver’s seat and taking off on a very, as Nino and Nagase would later describe it, scary car ride.
It’s only another ten minutes of driving time before they get to the water treatment plant. It definitely would have been another half hour of walking, had it not been for the illegal bear fighting business and Taichi.
Marching their way into the building, they look around, finding the fire escape map rather quickly, and just as quickly finding where exactly they will have to pour the water. They’re just happy for automated public works at this point, since it means the water is still on.
Running through the building, they come to the door they need, finally. The only problem being the four people sitting behind it, machine guns at their sides, drinking and smoking pot.
“To zombies!” the sleepiest of the four says, raising a shot of tequila.
“Zombies!” the other three chant, clinking the glasses together.
The three employees of Johnny’s just stand there, staring at them, really unsure how to react. Well, until Nagase walks over and grabs the tequila bottle, downing it.
“Ahhh, you guys got the good stuff, didn’t you?” he says with a smile.
The sleepy man raises his head to look at Nagase. “Did you really have to do that?”
“I did indeed,” Nagase says, setting the bottle back down. “You know, I could ask you if you really had to turn people into zombies, but I know the answer to that.”
Behind him, Taichi whispers to Nino, “Liquid courage, I see.”
“Yep,” Nino whispers back.
The sleepy man stands up slowly, his cohorts keeping pace. “I see you know about what happened. We’re going to have to fix that.”
“Well, I didn’t,” Nagase says matter-of-factly, “I do now, though, so thanks for that.”
The sleepy man sighs once, saying, “Boys.” Which only causes his cohorts to raise their weapons, pointing them at Nagase.
Nagase only shrugs, taking out his gun.
“Ooh, looks like you’re out powered,” the cohort with the deep raspy voice says.
“Not really,” Nagase says, smiling as a gun behind the four goes off, hitting the raspy voiced man. “I’ve got my man, Taichi. I think I’m good.”
The tallest of the four turns to point his gun at Taichi, confused when he finds him not where the shot came from.
“You’re a bit too slow,” Taichi says from behind him, tapping him on the shoulder and punching him in the face.
Nagase takes the confusion as a moment, shooting the one with the largest nose square in the shoulder and knee, causing him to crumple to the ground.
The sleepy one ends up taking that moment to run, even if his face says he’d want to do otherwise when he sees the one with the nose to crumple, and as he steps to the door, he feels it. A pain in his right knee. It brings him down, causing him to crack his head on the door.
Nagase looks away from the crumpling body, lowering his gun. “Did you get it in there, Nino?”
“Yep!” Nino says, appearing beside him.
“Good. So, how about we finish their alcohol after we tie them up?” Nagase says, looking at him.
“Fuck, yes,” Nino says as Taichi joins them.
Ten hours earlier.
“Ohno-kun, did you order something from a masaki.com?” asks the man with the big nose.
“Oh! I did, Toma,” Ohno says from the table in their kitchen.
Toma smiles as he brings the package into the kitchen, kissing Ohno on the cheek as he sets the package down in front of him. “So, what did you order?”
“Something to get rid of the pesky humanity problem once and for all,” Ohno says, smiling warmly with his mouth but coolly with his eyes.
“Sounds like fun,” Toma says, going to grab the now squealing kettle. “Shall I round up the troops?”
“You should. Let them know what we’re going to be doing today,” Ohno says.
“And what would I be letting Maru and Shige know?” Toma asks, preparing their morning tea.
“Why, my dear Toma, that should be obvious, we’re trying to take over the world.” He pats the box as he talks. “And this time we’re going to bring about the zombie apocalypse.”
Groups/Pairings: TOKIO, Arashi, SMAP, with special guest appearances from other groups. Implied Nagase/Riisa, Nino/Jun (just to make a cheap joke, tbh) and some other pairs that don’t actually matter in the long run.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Foul language, violence, horrible humour, potty jokes.
Summary: Nagase, best field agent of Johnny's, finds out he's a little in over his head when an unexpected being attacks Japan.
Notes: There were very specific things that stood out to me in your app. Then there were the hilarious bits that stood out, and I have a horrible habit of just taking random things and combining them. I ended up with Nagase/Riisa and Nino/Jun for a chance at a very cheap joke, so this was really close to being Nagase/Ladies or just gen. Okay, it's really Nagase/Ladies. This also took a lot longer to plan than I had intended it to. Anyway! I hope you enjoy it, and that it's good for a laugh or two. I'd never written Nagase before, to this extent, just to note, so I was a bit unsure of what I was doing at times. Thank god he's dumb. Basically, this is Archer fic with a twist, possibly because I watched the Cornetto Trilogy recently. This also includes really shoddy science, because Archer and I'm just making it up as I go here.
“Sir, your breakfast is ready.”
This is all Nagase hears in his sleep, where he’s having quite the dream of two very freaky ladies. Two freaky ladies that are slowly dissolving as he comes to reality, finally waking up.
Blinking, he wonders why his arms are both asleep, even though he’s lying on his back. He glances over, and sees the two freaky ladies, one asleep on each arm. Smiling, he pulls his arms from under them. Neither of them awakens.
He grunts when he gets to the table, looking at his “butler” before saying “Beer me.”
“But sir, it’s only nine in the morning,” his butler says. “You should be drinking coffee or juice.”
“Look, Leader, I appreciate it, really, but I’ve been drinking for three days straight. I’m really not looking forward to what happens when I have to deal with my hangover.”
“As you wish, sir.” Leader says, as he grabs him a pint. “By the way, Nakai-chan is on hold.”
“Shit!” Nagase says as he reaches for his phone. “You couldn’t say that at the start?”
“I was getting there,” Leader says with a shrug. “When do you want me to show your guests out?”
“Uhh, when I’m gone,” Nagase says as he grabs the phone, taking it off hold. “Y’ello.”
“Nagase, you were supposed to be in over an hour ago,” says the voice over the phone. “We can’t start the operation without you.”
“Oh, umm…” Nagase says, brain racing, “I wasn’t feeling so well.”
“Right…” Nakai says with a long pause. “Well, unfortunately, I think we might just need you to come in today.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll be there in twenty,” Nagase says, hanging up the phone.
An hour later.
“’Sup Taichi-kun?” Nagase says, passing him by when he finally gets to the office.
“You know, Nakai-kun is really annoyed, thanks to you,” Taichi says with a glare, walking away, grumbling about the screeching calls of a sick bird.
Nagase only shrugs, walking to Nakai’s office, beer in hand.
When he finally gets there, stopping on the way to talk to Jun, the desk boy, and Sho, the accountant, he walks in to Nakai and his obvious angry screech, which only intensifies once he walks in.
“Glad you could finally join us!” Nakai screeches at him.
“With the destruction of my hearing, I’m not sure if I’m as glad,” Nagase says, walking over to sit beside Nino in front of the desk. “So, what’s the sitch?”
Nakai and Nino both roll their eyes before Nakai starts talking about the mission, rolling out the video screen behind the bookshelf.
“So, the Most Highe and Evile Emperor Inagaki has recently gotten his hands on some very important building plans. He’s run off to Korea with his translator, Kusanagi, and his single minion, though it’s a wonder they can even work together at times, Shingo. Basically, what you need to do is retrieve said information, and as it is concealed by a very tough code, the likelihood of him having already read it is small,” Nakai says, putting the screen away. “So, do you understand your objective?”
Nino and Nagase respond in unison with a “Yes sir!”
Nakai smiles at them, tightly, waving at them to leave, which they do, not that quickly, though.
Right before leaving the room, Nagase stops and turns back to Nakai, “Why do we call him the Most Highe and Evile Emperor Inagaki if he’s not an emperor?”
Nakai glares at him before turning in his chair with a huff. “It’s just what he prefers to be called.”
“I see,” Nagase says before exiting the room entirely.
Three hours later.
“And so, I said to them last night…” Nagase says, pausing to take a swig of some more beer, “… Wanna go back to my place and see my sweet, sweet pad? I’ll even use my spy gear for fun and games.”
“You know, Nagase, I really don’t want to hear about this right now,” Nino says, looking from their hiding spot with binoculars.
“Why not?” Nagase says with an offended face. “Is it because you’re jealous, especially after that one night of ours?”
Nino doesn’t respond, focusing on waiting and watching for Inagaki and his posse.
Nagase, unfortunately, is bored and goes, “Nino.”
A pause. “Nino.”
“Nino.”
“Nino!”
“Nino!”
“NINO!”
Nino whips his head around to look at Nagase. “WHAT?”
“Taking your silence as a sign of jealousy,” Nagase says with a smile.
Nino sighs, looking down. “Nagase, we have never gotten together. Not even once.”
“Ooooh, right…” Nagase says, thinking. “That was your doppelganger, Riisa-chan, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it was,” Nino says, turning back to the binoculars. “Besides, like I’d ever date you.”
“You say that,” Nagase says, grinning, “but then again, I guess you have your desk boy.”
“Exactly.”
Nagase digs out his beer flask from his pocket and takes a swig. “Hey, doesn’t he get turned on by physical pain or something? I can’t imagine him being choked by you with your tiny, tiny hands and all.”
Nino lets out a frustrated noise before going dead silent, leaning into the binoculars. “They’re here.”
“Oh, showtime,” Nagase says, standing up, fixing his shirt. “Time to act like a raging drunk tourist.”
“Not like that’s hard. It’s exactly what you are,” Nino says with a grin.
“Exactly,” Nagase says, returning the gesture.
Nino can only shake his head to this with a smile. “Go get ‘em, Tiger.”
What happens after seems like slow motion. Nagase, carrying his flask, walks towards Inagaki, stumbling, only to be stopped by the bodyguard, Shingo.
“Wha d’ya want?” Nagase says, slurring.
“Sir, I think you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, you’re drunk!” Nagase says, flinging his arms up in the air.
“Sir, you really should calm down,” Shingo says, visibly amused.
“Oh, I guess I should calm down, maybe take a…” Nagase says, easing his flailing into punching Shingo close enough to the ear to cause him to lose his balance, “nap, if you say so.”
While all of this is going on, Nagase distracting Inagaki and Kusanagi, Nino goes up behind them, slipping the fake disc into the bag to replace the real one now in his hand. He’s really glad he learnt sleight of hand now.
Signalling to Nagase, Nino walks away to meet him in a restaurant a few blocks away.
Nagase, not reacting to the signal, looks down at the guy regaining his balance. “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, man,” he slurs, helping Shingo up.
“It’s okay,” Shingo says, smiling. “How about we get you a cab?”
“That’d be nice,” Nagase says, putting his arm around the man.
“Okay,” Shingo says, walking him to the road and flagging down a cab.
“Please drop him off at…” Shingo begins, pausing to look at Nagase. “Where are you staying?”
“The Marriott.”
“Where he said,” Shingo says, shutting the door and walking away.
Once the cab is rolling, though, Nagase kindly asks the driver to drop him off at his meeting place with Nino.
Meanwhile.
As Shingo walks back to Inagaki, he’s suddenly struck by how familiar the man looked, realising, as he reaches Inagaki and Kusanagi, that it was the number one agent of Johnny’s, Nagase Tomoya. “Fuck.”
Inagaki and Kusanagi give him puzzled looks, from which Shingo explains, causing them to search for the disc. When they find it still sitting there, they’re relieved, not realising that on the disc in their possession is a virus of a dancing Peter Pan-esque cartoon trio spelling out “SIN”.
Three hours later
After relaxing in Korea and letting Nakai know they had the disc, Nino and Nagase finally get to fly back home. They don’t sit together on the flight, and when they return they part ways to meet up at the agency. Nagase on his motorcycle; Nino in his Pajero. Nagase gets to the agency first. That’s probably because of how easily he could manoeuvre through the ridiculous traffic, though.
Deciding that seeing Nakai right away was pointless, Nagase heads towards the lab to visit Aiba, the resident scientist.
“Aiba-kun!” Nagase says, walking into the lab. “Create anything interesting as of late?”
“Huh?” Aiba says before removing his goggles to look at Nagase. “Oh, no, not really. I’m working to create an antidote for any epidemic though. Zombie, small pox, etc. You never know when the city will be attacked by zombies.”
“You raise a very good point, Aiba-kun!” Nagase says.
Nagase’s phone ends up interrupting any further conversation. Nagase, tempted to let it go to voice mail, ends up answering it when he sees that it’s Nino.
“Y’ello.”
“Hey, I’m stuck in traffic. You should come and get me,” Nino says in a very matter-of-fact voice.
“I’m sure you can make it.”
“No, literally, I’m stuck in traffic. It is not moving and a lot of people have abandoned their cars already.”
“What? Why the fuck would they even do that in the first place?” Nagase says. “You should loot their cars.”
Nino sighs. “I’m not going to do that. Just get here! I’m sure Aiba-kun placed a tracker on me, so just use that to find me.”
Nagase moves the phone away from him, covering the receiver. “Did you put a tracker on Nino?”
Aiba smiles and nods, starting about how he’s put a tracker on everyone, but they’ll never find them.
Nagase ignores his prattling and goes back to the phone. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as possible. Do you have a helmet?”
“I do,” Nino says.
“Good. I don’t want you flying off, after all.”
All Nagase hears after that is the dial tone.
“So, can you track him?” Nagase asks, turning to Aiba.
“Already did!” Aiba proudly exclaims.
Nagase walks up to look at the screen. Fuck, he thinks, he’s on a fucking bridge. “Thanks, buddy!” Nagase says, slapping Aiba on the back before leaving to retrieve Nino.
One hour later
Because of how fast Nagase had gotten back to the agency, he is really surprised by the traffic. The abandoned traffic is at a complete standstill, to be more specific. Driving through, he weaves between parked cars, some of them still running, some of them with their doors open, some of them with blood on the windows… Oh, shit, that was a dead body. Fuck, it just moved.
Nagase refocuses on the road ahead of him, ignoring everything until reaching the bridge Nino’s on. This is going to be a little trickier, but as it turns out, it’s a bridge with a walking path, not that it would help this time at all. The path is littered with possessions left behind. Bicycles. Bags. Arms. All kinds of things, really.
Sighing, he starts, going slower than he wanted. Eventually he does spot the Pajero, the silver paint giving its location away. Well, that and the people surrounding it, leaving bloody streaks down the windows and sides.
“What the fuck…” Nagase says out loud, causing the closest one to turn and look at him, eyes blank. “No, seriously, what the fuck is going on?”
The closest one lets out a low groan, and begins to walk toward Nagase. This causes the others surrounding the Pajero to do the same.
Revving his motorcycle, Nagase goes to run them down, but he doesn’t get the chance when gunshots ring through the air, along with a voice yelling, “Nagase, you fuck face, why don’t you just shoot them?”
Nagase’s shocked as he watches each of them go down after a headshot. “Why the fuck would I shoot them?”
“Because they’re fucking zombies, you asshole,” Nino says, walking to the motorbike with his helmet under his arm.
“Zombies!” Nagase just shakes his head, checking his gun. “You’re fucking joking, right?”
“Yes, I’m joking.”
“Oh, thank fucking god.”
Nino hops onto the back of the bike. “Oh my god, I’m not actually joking. Do you not understand sarcasm?”
“I do,” Nagase says, putting the kickstand up, getting ready to go. “If they could be taken out that easily, why didn’t you just shoot them earlier?”
“Eh, I needed bait. Didn’t want to get bitten or get scratched by glass shards.” Nino says matter-of-factly.
“Annoying.” No more words could be said due to the roar of the motorcycle, as they take off back to the office.
One hour later.
The next issue they encounter when they return to the agency is the broken glass of the entrance Laundromat. Well, that and the now zombie shopkeeper, Koyama.
“So, how exactly are we supposed to get inside?” Nino hisses from around the corner, gun at the ready.
“I don’t know. Can’t we just shoot him?” Nagase says. “He wasn’t like this when I left to get you.”
“I guessed as much, or else you wouldn’t have been such a clueless ass back there,” Nino says, rolling his eyes.
“Do you think we can fix him?” Nagase says, suddenly remembering, “I mean, Aiba-kun was working on an outbreak medicine or something the last time I was talking to him.”
“You’re shitting me,” Nino says, looking at him with a blank face.
“No, really!” Nagase says, smiling. “He said it might be able to fix zombie outbreaks.”
“Why the fuck would Aiba-kun be…” Nino says, slowly, “Fuck, he didn’t start this by accident, did he?”
“I don’t think so…” Nagase thinks for a moment. “Why would he?”
“I don’t know, because he’s Aiba-kun,” Nino says. “Let’s detain Koyama and then head up there to talk to him.”
“Shove him in a dryer?” Nagase says, ready to take off.
“May as well,” Nino says with a shrug.
Nino heads in first to distract Koyama and get him into the area around the dryer. Opening the door, he quickly ducks out of the way as Nagase hits him from behind, causing him to fall right in.
Slamming the door shut, they move a shelf so it’s right in front of the door.
Looking at each other with faces of a job well done, they head up the back staircase to the agency offices, only to run to Aiba’s lab. A lab he happens to still be in, thankfully.
“Aiba!” Nino yells, catching his breath. “Why the fuck is there a zombie infestation happening?”
Aiba turns around to look at Nino, confused. “A zombie infestation? I really don’t know why…”
Nino slaps his hand to his head. “You didn’t do anything by accident again, did you?”
“No! I’ve just been working on my antidote today.”
“So you didn’t do anything?” Nagase says, to which Aiba shakes his head. Nagase only brightens at that before turning to Nino. “See! I told you he’d have nothing to do with it.”
“Then how the fuck did this happen?” Nino asks angrily.
“I don’t know!” Nagase says.
Nino is about to respond back when they hear a cheerful voice from the back pipe up, “You mean there really are zombies?” Aiba exclaims with excitement.
“Yes, Aiba-kun, there really are zombies,” Nino says with tired eyes.
“You should get me one, then,” Aiba says, clapping his hands together. “I can test out my antidote.”
“Well, we have Koyama trapped in the dryer,” Nagase says.
“Excellent, bring him to me,” Aiba says, walking towards his workstation. “I’ll prepare.”
“He’s a bit bite-y, though,” Nagase complains.
“Oh, really?” Aiba digs through one of his drawers. “I have just the thing.” With that, he turns and throws a ball gag at Nagase. “Better?”
Nagase smiles. “Better.”
It doesn’t take long for them to wrestle Koyama upstairs and onto the table.
“Now, I’m going to inject this into his bloodstream, and it should hopefully take less than an hour,” Aiba explains, holding up a needle.
Nagase and Nino nod and watch him inject it. What they don’t expect is that Koyama would begin to shake violently within a matter of seconds. Holding him down, they wait until he stops moving to step away, watching Koyama’s colour come back slowly.
“Well, that seems to have worked!” Aiba says with a smile, walking away. “Now to mass produce the stuff.”
“You’re going to… Seriously?” Nino says, following him.
“Yep! You two are going to have to help me, though,” Aiba says, turning on all the equipment he needs to make it. “You’ll have to get the antidote into the water system. Should turn everyone good as new in a few days if it rains, and anyone who drinks it should be okay.”
“But if we have to get it into the water system, exactly how much are we going to need?”
“Quite a bit!” Aiba says. “This is only the start, though. Then we need fog machines. Lots and lots of fog machines.”
“Fog machines…” Nagase mumbles to himself. “Oh! To distribute through the air in centralized locations?”
“Exactly!” Aiba says with a smile. “You know your stuff, Nagase-kun.”
To that, Nagase only looks at Aiba with self-pride while Nino gapes at the two of them, unsure what to think.
A half hour later.
“It’s done!” Aiba exclaims with excitement, running the four-litre bottle to where Nagase and Nino are sitting, in the break room.
Nagase looks up from the snack he’s eating. “So, we should probably head out, then?”
“Yep!” Aiba says, placing it on the table in front of them. “Just get it to the water treatment plant as soon as you can.”
“Okay,” Nagase says, giving him the thumbs up before standing up. “Let’s roll, Nino.”
Nino only sighs and stands up slowly. It’s already been a busy day, and he’d really like nothing better than going home to play some games.
Collecting ammo, they head out quickly, taking the motorcycle, dodging everything littering the road as they go.
It’s after about twenty minutes when problems hit. The road is littered with corpses and there is no way the bike is getting through that at all. It’s something Nino had been noticing as they go along, that the closer they were getting to the water treatment plant, the more bodies there were. Almost as if it had started from there…
It also happened that they ran out of gas, because Nagase forgot to fill it for a few days.
“Fuck!” Nagase yells, taking off his helmet. “We were so close!”
“Yeah, we were,” Nino says, doing the same. “But no, you had to forget to fill the gas. Now we’re completely exposed!”
“Well… I know a place we can stop on the way there,” Nagase says. “They may have transportation for us.”
“Seriously…” Nino can only shake his head. “You would, and I don’t want to know what it is.”
“Suit yourself!” Nagase says, walking off. “It’s this way, you coming?”
“Yes,” Nino says, jogging a bit to catch up.
At this point, it’s getting later in the day, and the sun is beginning to go down, casting weird, long shadows. It’s also getting to the point where Nagase’s bladder is about to burst. He’d downed more beer at the office and had forgotten to go to the bathroom before he left.
“Ahh, fuck man… I need to pee,” he says, looking at Nino.
Nino rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. “You’d think you could do that before we left.”
“I didn’t need to pee then, now, did I?” Nagase says, looking around. “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to go in the alley.”
“Fine.” Nino shakes his head, sitting down on some steps leading into a building. “I’ll wait here.”
Nino watches him run awkwardly into the back lane, and listens to him making noises as he pees. Everything he had expected to hear, until of course he hears, “Give me any weapons and money you have, and everything will be fine.”
“Fuck,” Nino mutters, slowly going towards the alley and peering around to find Nagase, still relieving himself and being held at gunpoint by a yankee wearing sunglasses.
Rolling his eyes, Nino tiptoes to get behind the yankee, readying his gun.
“Piss off, buddy,” Nagase says, tucking himself back in. “I don’t have anything for you.”
“I don’t believe that one bit,” the yankee yells, cocking the gun.
Nino rolls his eyes, holding the gun up to the man’s head. “I believe you should believe my friend here. We really don’t have anything for you.” Nino smirks. “So if you could please put your gun down.”
The yankee, not really shaken, but perhaps a bit broken, does as he’s told. “I’m sorry, I just really need to get out of here. Everyone I know has been turned into zombies and who the fuck takes a piss in a dark alley during something like this, anyway?”
Nagase shrugs. “Someone whom may be a little bit over drunk.”
“Seriously?” The yankee’s voice cracks when he says this.
Nino just sighs, grabbing the yankee’s gun and putting his own away. “Pretty much. Now, I see you aren’t zombie-fied yet, and you seem to be the only one around, so you may as well come with us.”
“Go with you, towards the corpses? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Not really, and I’m taking your gun, so you can risk it, or you can come with us,” Nino says, beginning to unload it. “And you seem to have no ammo. Fuck, you’re dumb.”
“Eh, it was worth a try.” The yankee extends his hand to Nino. “I’m Matsuoka, by the way, but you can just call me Mabo.”
Nino takes it, giving it a good shake, and finally taking a good look at how tall the guy really is. “Nino, and that’s Nagase. We should really get going.”
Nagase stands there for a moment, not sure what to think before yelling, “Hey, don’t you want to shake my hand?”
“Not on your life,” Mabo yells back, “or at least not until you’ve found some water to wash them with.”
“Fine then!” Nagase yells, catching up to them. Nino giggles.
They walk for another ten minutes before Nagase stops cold, although neither Nino nor Mabo notices until Nagase yells at them.
“Yo! You guys, it’s down here,” he says, pointing at stairs leading underground.
“This is really looking like it’s not going to have any transportation, Nagase,” Nino says, walking back, Mabo tailing him.
“You never know, my friend, you never know.”
When they go down, Nagase knocks on the door in a very specific rhythm. The doors open quickly and with a creak only heavy metal doors could give off. Just down the hall, they’re greeted by a shorter man.
“Nagase! I was wondering what would happen to you?” he says with a smile. “Haven’t been turned into a zombie, I see.”
“Gussan! No, not at all! There’s no way Johnny’s top agent would even.” Nagase walks with him to a larger room with a cage in the middle. Nino and Mabo follow without a word.
“Now, listen, you have some competition. A newcomer and his bear, Pooh, have joined the group,” Gussan says, motioning to the cage. “I think Yogi and him would have a good fight.”
“Maybe next time, Gussan,” Nagase says, looking at him. “Do you have any transportation by any chance?”
“I don’t, no. My car broke down yesterday,” Gussan says with a sad face. “But! The newcomer showed up here earlier and is sitting in the lounge. Maybe they can help you out?”
“I’ll check with him, then,” Nagase says, walking towards the lounge, leaving Nino and Mabo to look around the fight room.
Nagase is shocked when he finds the newcomer in the lounge. Mostly because, as it turns out, the newcomer is their very own HR man at Johnny’s, Kokubun Taichi.
“Nagase-kun, yo!” Taichi says, holding up his hand in greeting.
“Taichi-kun… What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I had the rest of the day off,” Taichi says with a shrug. “Decided to come here to relax. Great lounge, right?”
“Uhh, yeah. It is. I own part of it,” Nagase says, sitting down. “Now, listen Taichi, I know you aren’t a field agent, but do you think you could help us?”
“Oh? Help you with what?”
“We need transportation to the water treatment plant,” Nagase says.
“Well, I took the bus here, then the zombies happened. Figured this was a good place to stay,” Taichi says. “But I’m more than willing to help you get there. Just need to find a car with some gas and I can get us there in a jiff.” He smiles.
“Good,” Nagase says, getting up. “We should go now.”
Walking out with Taichi in tow, Nagase is amused by Nino’s surprised face.
“Really? REALLY? Taichi-kun, what the fuck?” Nino exclaims.
“Umm, I just really like fighting bears, and I need the money?” Taichi says with a shrug.
Nagase just nods to that. “Seems pretty straight forward.”
“I know, right?” Taichi laughs a bit.
“We’re going now. Coming?” Nagase says to Nino and Mabo.
Nino steps forward to join Nagase and Taichi, turning to look expectantly at Mabo.
“Umm, I think I’m going to stay here, guys. It seems pretty safe.”
Nagase, Nino, and Taichi all shrug at once, saying, “Suit yourself.”
They end up finding a sleek black car a few blocks away, one Taichi easily hotwires, almost as if he’s done it before.
“Hop in.” Taichi says, holding the door open.
Nino slides into the back, looking at Taichi. “I feel like I should be surprised, but I’m not surprised.”
“Same,” Nagase says, getting into the passenger’s side in the front.
Taichi only shrugs with a smile before getting into the driver’s seat and taking off on a very, as Nino and Nagase would later describe it, scary car ride.
It’s only another ten minutes of driving time before they get to the water treatment plant. It definitely would have been another half hour of walking, had it not been for the illegal bear fighting business and Taichi.
Marching their way into the building, they look around, finding the fire escape map rather quickly, and just as quickly finding where exactly they will have to pour the water. They’re just happy for automated public works at this point, since it means the water is still on.
Running through the building, they come to the door they need, finally. The only problem being the four people sitting behind it, machine guns at their sides, drinking and smoking pot.
“To zombies!” the sleepiest of the four says, raising a shot of tequila.
“Zombies!” the other three chant, clinking the glasses together.
The three employees of Johnny’s just stand there, staring at them, really unsure how to react. Well, until Nagase walks over and grabs the tequila bottle, downing it.
“Ahhh, you guys got the good stuff, didn’t you?” he says with a smile.
The sleepy man raises his head to look at Nagase. “Did you really have to do that?”
“I did indeed,” Nagase says, setting the bottle back down. “You know, I could ask you if you really had to turn people into zombies, but I know the answer to that.”
Behind him, Taichi whispers to Nino, “Liquid courage, I see.”
“Yep,” Nino whispers back.
The sleepy man stands up slowly, his cohorts keeping pace. “I see you know about what happened. We’re going to have to fix that.”
“Well, I didn’t,” Nagase says matter-of-factly, “I do now, though, so thanks for that.”
The sleepy man sighs once, saying, “Boys.” Which only causes his cohorts to raise their weapons, pointing them at Nagase.
Nagase only shrugs, taking out his gun.
“Ooh, looks like you’re out powered,” the cohort with the deep raspy voice says.
“Not really,” Nagase says, smiling as a gun behind the four goes off, hitting the raspy voiced man. “I’ve got my man, Taichi. I think I’m good.”
The tallest of the four turns to point his gun at Taichi, confused when he finds him not where the shot came from.
“You’re a bit too slow,” Taichi says from behind him, tapping him on the shoulder and punching him in the face.
Nagase takes the confusion as a moment, shooting the one with the largest nose square in the shoulder and knee, causing him to crumple to the ground.
The sleepy one ends up taking that moment to run, even if his face says he’d want to do otherwise when he sees the one with the nose to crumple, and as he steps to the door, he feels it. A pain in his right knee. It brings him down, causing him to crack his head on the door.
Nagase looks away from the crumpling body, lowering his gun. “Did you get it in there, Nino?”
“Yep!” Nino says, appearing beside him.
“Good. So, how about we finish their alcohol after we tie them up?” Nagase says, looking at him.
“Fuck, yes,” Nino says as Taichi joins them.
Ten hours earlier.
“Ohno-kun, did you order something from a masaki.com?” asks the man with the big nose.
“Oh! I did, Toma,” Ohno says from the table in their kitchen.
Toma smiles as he brings the package into the kitchen, kissing Ohno on the cheek as he sets the package down in front of him. “So, what did you order?”
“Something to get rid of the pesky humanity problem once and for all,” Ohno says, smiling warmly with his mouth but coolly with his eyes.
“Sounds like fun,” Toma says, going to grab the now squealing kettle. “Shall I round up the troops?”
“You should. Let them know what we’re going to be doing today,” Ohno says.
“And what would I be letting Maru and Shige know?” Toma asks, preparing their morning tea.
“Why, my dear Toma, that should be obvious, we’re trying to take over the world.” He pats the box as he talks. “And this time we’re going to bring about the zombie apocalypse.”