it's all just drunk sincerity
Alright, so I'm drunk at 7:30 on a Saturday night. I should be watching "the game" like my all peers, but honestly I don't care enough to ever do that. So instead I'm sitting alone, drinking and watching movies... which to me is a lot more productive.
I haven't posted in this journal in about 3 weeks, and it's been partly because I haven't had the time... and partly because I haven't had the energy to do so. I've dove into social situations and the bottle as a cure to my depression as of late. I experimented and tried to see if I could kill the eternal hurt with alcohol and social contact with my peers... and it turns out that I cannot. It only dulls the sensation and makes me feel as if I were a liar.
Recently, I've been prescribed more and more medication... and told that I am not mentally stable, but I don't have reference in these so called "professionals" words. I think initially my counselor and psychiatrist were making an honest effort to help me, but now I think that they are just prescribing superficial drugs to make a buck off me. It's sad that even though I have received so much "support" that I don't feel any different about the world around me. I think it's because the world is as I actually perceive it. A shitty place where everyone is out to benefit themselves and no one else.
To be fair though, I have felt a small change in my mental state since taking the anti-depressants. I can no longer reach absolutre rock bottom where I feel the need to end my life. Instead, I just feel sad and feel a very strong urge to no longer be sober. I don't if it's good or bad that I've replaced my suicidal desires with alcohol... but it's what has happened. Every night I desire to have a bottle in my hand rather than 9mm.
I try and tell myself each day that I am doing better than a month to two months ago because I am socializing more... and because I am not thinking about suicide as much, but I know that it's just not true. The only thing that I can be sure that is true is that I have my brain altered chemically so I am less inclined to end myself, and to worry about things in my life. Honestly, I am still just as confused as I ever was... the only difference is my brain now has the inability to fully comprehend this fact because of the medication.
I feel as if my moral compass has completely dissapeared. I don't know why it has gone, and I don't know how to get it back... but I just wish things could go back to how they were a few months ago. Things were so easy then, and things are so hard now.... and I just can't fully understand why things have changed that much. I just want to figure everything out, but at the same time I never want to understand anything again.
I recently have begun putting myself into the dating circle again since things ended between Kaitlin and I... I have "dated/seen" two girls since the break up. Both girls I have been hanging out with have been within the past 3 weeks I would say. I thought at first that the fact that I was "dating" again meant that I was no longer in love with Kaitlin, and it satisfied me for a while. It made me feel like I had some power in knowing that I no longer held a torch for her, but I was completely wrong. I have come to realize through spending time with these two girls, that I still in love with her.
I try to lie to myself to make life easier for myself, but I know deep down that I don't think I'll ever feel as strongly for a girl as I felt for Kaitlin. I also try to myself that I'm allowing myself to fall into drinking and addiction because I no longer care about what she thinks... but that fact is just not true. I drink because I want to forget how much she completed my life, and how I should have appreciated her and treated her better than I did when I had her. I'm scared that I let the best person I've ever met in my entire life slip through my fingers, and I don't know how to deal with it. Thus I have dived into many bottles to forget my woes.
With my counselor and psychiatrist we have discussed many issues. Between my abusive father as a child, or my molestation... the answer still hasn't become clear as why to I am still so fucked up. I don't think I will ever find a way to solve all my internal problems, but rather a way to accept and make peace with them. I don't feell the need to kill myself to end my probelms anymore, but instead I just deal with my problems through alcohol and other distractions... eventually I feel this pattern will snap under preassure and an epiphany will occur, but I'm not exactly sure how.
I really hope that eventaullly I will feel bettter again. I feel like an emo and weak peice of shit for blaming my problems on anyone else... but I honestly don't know if I can put all my depression on my own shoulders anymore. I don't know if there is something inherently wrong with what I am doing, if there is something inherently wrong with me... or perhaps I fucked up things with the most perfect girl in the world, but I need to understand wha tthe problem is soon. My mind and my body have come near the breaking point from all the self destruction I have engaged myself in.
Fuck. I'm a pathetic peice of shit if this is the only post I've made in weeks... and I have to not be sober to do it. I guess it doesn't matter in the end, because I really don't think anyone will read this anyways. My problems are so trivial to me and I'm sure they will seem so trivial to others as well, it's almost funny.