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Well, I have some extra time... and I haven't updated this in a week, so I might as well try to occupy my mind.
This week has been really shitty. I already said that Monday I started on Prozac and since then have been continuing to take it. On Tuesday I had a major panic attack that was started by my own doubts specifically about the Prozac. I started to wonder if I had made a mistake, and that began a general panic attack which was then fueled by various other thoughts I had. It was probably the longest panic attack I've ever had, from start to finish it was probably almost an hour. It wasn't that it was the most severe, it was that it was long and drawn out that made it bad.
On Wednesday I saw my counselor again, which didn't really help at all. The meeting was about 20-25 minutes in length and she just repeated her advice she gives to me each time we speak. She then proceeded to tell me what we'll talk about after spring break, but didn't actually go into the stuff. So basically I heard useless advice and what we'll talk about for about 5 sessions before I go home... and when I go home I won't see her again. Getting help seemed like a good idea at first, but it's proving to be quite useless given my situation of not living in one place.
Then Thursday I was convinced to go out that night and find a party. So Nate, Dennis, myself and Dennis' girlfriend went to go find some party that was supposedly going on. It turned out to be just a bunch of frat guys playing beer pong, so we didn't actually go (or find a party). We instead hung out and Dennis' house and drank with his girlfriend, who was being bitchy and annoying as fuck. By the end of the night I somehow managed to lose my glasses which somehow fell out of my bag. I then felt really sick/shitty because the prozac in my system did not mix with alcohol well. Overall it was a pretty horrible night.
Friday I came home and saw the Watchmen with a bunch of people. I was in a depressed/panicy mood so I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have. Everyone then wanted to go to Denny's but I decided that I wasn't up to it for various reasons. Instead I came home, went online and got a shitty nights sleep. The next day I did very little except go out to buy an adapter for my ipod to play in my car... and that's just about all I did. There wasn't really anyone for me to hang out with or much for me to do.
Pretty much every day of the week I've felt nauseus, dizzy and achey from the medication. I wouldn't have ever guessed that taking one little pill could have such a large effect upon my body. The sickness was so bad Friday that it literally made me vomit. I was already scared about trying the medication, so these side effects don't do a lot to reassure me.... but in the end I only have myself to blame if this whole situation blows up in my face.
I also started taking sleep aids to at least help me get a normal night's rest. I got fed up with not being able to sleep and being woken up by nightmares all the time. I took my first sleeping pill last night, and it actually worked. I got a full nights rest for the first time in a long time... and that made a noticeable difference in my morning. Instead of waking up and feeling absolutely awful, I woke up feeling just kind of bad. I feel bad for taking more drugs, but I'm just at a point where I'm not sure what else to do.
The only difference these pills (Prozac) have made so far is to make me physically ill. I still feel like shit, but such is life I guess. I have a feeling this spring break is going to be rather lackluster and won't really cheer me up any. In the end that's ok because at least I don't have to do schoolwork or be at school for a while. I've stopped hoping that I will find hope for things to get better, I've just accepted perpetual shittiness... so maybe with that attitude I can just get through all this, or at least ignore it.
I think a big problem I was having is that I had the notion that my life had relevance. I remembered that it doesn't... and that makes it a lot easier to say fuck it and not worry about things. I had forgotten that I'm a member of the walking dead, just like every other person alive.
This week has been really shitty. I already said that Monday I started on Prozac and since then have been continuing to take it. On Tuesday I had a major panic attack that was started by my own doubts specifically about the Prozac. I started to wonder if I had made a mistake, and that began a general panic attack which was then fueled by various other thoughts I had. It was probably the longest panic attack I've ever had, from start to finish it was probably almost an hour. It wasn't that it was the most severe, it was that it was long and drawn out that made it bad.
On Wednesday I saw my counselor again, which didn't really help at all. The meeting was about 20-25 minutes in length and she just repeated her advice she gives to me each time we speak. She then proceeded to tell me what we'll talk about after spring break, but didn't actually go into the stuff. So basically I heard useless advice and what we'll talk about for about 5 sessions before I go home... and when I go home I won't see her again. Getting help seemed like a good idea at first, but it's proving to be quite useless given my situation of not living in one place.
Then Thursday I was convinced to go out that night and find a party. So Nate, Dennis, myself and Dennis' girlfriend went to go find some party that was supposedly going on. It turned out to be just a bunch of frat guys playing beer pong, so we didn't actually go (or find a party). We instead hung out and Dennis' house and drank with his girlfriend, who was being bitchy and annoying as fuck. By the end of the night I somehow managed to lose my glasses which somehow fell out of my bag. I then felt really sick/shitty because the prozac in my system did not mix with alcohol well. Overall it was a pretty horrible night.
Friday I came home and saw the Watchmen with a bunch of people. I was in a depressed/panicy mood so I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have. Everyone then wanted to go to Denny's but I decided that I wasn't up to it for various reasons. Instead I came home, went online and got a shitty nights sleep. The next day I did very little except go out to buy an adapter for my ipod to play in my car... and that's just about all I did. There wasn't really anyone for me to hang out with or much for me to do.
Pretty much every day of the week I've felt nauseus, dizzy and achey from the medication. I wouldn't have ever guessed that taking one little pill could have such a large effect upon my body. The sickness was so bad Friday that it literally made me vomit. I was already scared about trying the medication, so these side effects don't do a lot to reassure me.... but in the end I only have myself to blame if this whole situation blows up in my face.
I also started taking sleep aids to at least help me get a normal night's rest. I got fed up with not being able to sleep and being woken up by nightmares all the time. I took my first sleeping pill last night, and it actually worked. I got a full nights rest for the first time in a long time... and that made a noticeable difference in my morning. Instead of waking up and feeling absolutely awful, I woke up feeling just kind of bad. I feel bad for taking more drugs, but I'm just at a point where I'm not sure what else to do.
The only difference these pills (Prozac) have made so far is to make me physically ill. I still feel like shit, but such is life I guess. I have a feeling this spring break is going to be rather lackluster and won't really cheer me up any. In the end that's ok because at least I don't have to do schoolwork or be at school for a while. I've stopped hoping that I will find hope for things to get better, I've just accepted perpetual shittiness... so maybe with that attitude I can just get through all this, or at least ignore it.
I think a big problem I was having is that I had the notion that my life had relevance. I remembered that it doesn't... and that makes it a lot easier to say fuck it and not worry about things. I had forgotten that I'm a member of the walking dead, just like every other person alive.