Crockpot cookery and the decline of western civilization
This is an oldie but goody, whenever I feel nostalgic for Philly and I think of this and that feeling goes away...
I made the mistake today day of venturing to Wal-Mart on Delaware Ave. Where’s Delaware Ave you say? I think the kids today call it Columbus Blvd but I keeps it real much like the characters you are about to encounter. I digress…
For the sake of brevity I won’t bother you with a lot of back-story. All you need to know is I had to go get a whisk. So I jumped into my car and headed out.
I arrived at Wal-Mart and made my way through the parking lot and into the store. After hopelessly circling the entire complex twice which is the equivalent of walking around 2 football fields I broke down and asked one of the employees where I needed to go. Without looking at me he waved his finger toward one of the aisles. I thanked the gentleman and he let out a grunt of acknowledgement. I proceeded to make my way over when a women in shorts to tight for an ass that spanned the width of the entire aisle cut in front of me with her shopping cart and clan of babies. Trapped on both sides by various kitchen gadgets, unable to advance past the giant ass and surrounded by unruly children, I said a small prayer for all the babies’ daddies who had hit that and remained calm keeping my eye on the prize. I cautiously trailed behind a few feet.
At 12:34:04 I made visual contact with the whisk. The lady stopped abruptly in the middle of the aisle. She began to chastise one of the little ones who had hit their sibling. From the other end of aisle rounding the corner and even bigger women with even more children like tiny satellites erratically orbiting a massive rock in space emerged. I knew at that moment that my day had taken a turn for the worse.
To protect the innocent we will refer to the original fat ass, fat ass #1 as Kenzo Katie and fat ass #2 as Grays Ferry Felicia. I take that back we’ll jus refer to them as fat ass #1 and fat ass #2. Try to keep it straight in your heads kiddies. Fat ass #2 came right up to where fat ass #1 was parked. Realizing that fat ass #1 was preoccupied, fat ass #2 seized the moment, reached forward, snatched the last crockpot off the shelf and put it in her cart. Now fat ass #1 realizing what just happened and not to be outdone by an even fatter nastier ho with even more babies dangling from her teats, excepted this challenge with a screeching “Uhh-uhh BITCH! Back da fuck up. Thaz my crockpot.” An exchange of curse words that would shame a sailor continued between the two. With 500 lbs of female belligerence between me and my whisk and fears of ending up a causality in the clash of the titans, I had to act quickly. I looked around and noticed down the aisle an end cap stocked high with the prized ceramic trophy. I pulled one off and hurried back to the scene and as polite as pie said to fat ass #1 “here ya go lady.” She turned and looked at me like I had a dick dangling off of my forehead. Without a word she took the crockpot from me and placed it in her cart and quietly walked away with her too tight shorts ever so slowly creeping steadily up her ass crack and babies in tow. Fat ass #2 who was an opportunist from the beginning made a beeline outta there when I distracted fat ass #1. And me? Well I got my whisk and vowed never to return to this wretched place again.
I made the mistake today day of venturing to Wal-Mart on Delaware Ave. Where’s Delaware Ave you say? I think the kids today call it Columbus Blvd but I keeps it real much like the characters you are about to encounter. I digress…
For the sake of brevity I won’t bother you with a lot of back-story. All you need to know is I had to go get a whisk. So I jumped into my car and headed out.
I arrived at Wal-Mart and made my way through the parking lot and into the store. After hopelessly circling the entire complex twice which is the equivalent of walking around 2 football fields I broke down and asked one of the employees where I needed to go. Without looking at me he waved his finger toward one of the aisles. I thanked the gentleman and he let out a grunt of acknowledgement. I proceeded to make my way over when a women in shorts to tight for an ass that spanned the width of the entire aisle cut in front of me with her shopping cart and clan of babies. Trapped on both sides by various kitchen gadgets, unable to advance past the giant ass and surrounded by unruly children, I said a small prayer for all the babies’ daddies who had hit that and remained calm keeping my eye on the prize. I cautiously trailed behind a few feet.
At 12:34:04 I made visual contact with the whisk. The lady stopped abruptly in the middle of the aisle. She began to chastise one of the little ones who had hit their sibling. From the other end of aisle rounding the corner and even bigger women with even more children like tiny satellites erratically orbiting a massive rock in space emerged. I knew at that moment that my day had taken a turn for the worse.
To protect the innocent we will refer to the original fat ass, fat ass #1 as Kenzo Katie and fat ass #2 as Grays Ferry Felicia. I take that back we’ll jus refer to them as fat ass #1 and fat ass #2. Try to keep it straight in your heads kiddies. Fat ass #2 came right up to where fat ass #1 was parked. Realizing that fat ass #1 was preoccupied, fat ass #2 seized the moment, reached forward, snatched the last crockpot off the shelf and put it in her cart. Now fat ass #1 realizing what just happened and not to be outdone by an even fatter nastier ho with even more babies dangling from her teats, excepted this challenge with a screeching “Uhh-uhh BITCH! Back da fuck up. Thaz my crockpot.” An exchange of curse words that would shame a sailor continued between the two. With 500 lbs of female belligerence between me and my whisk and fears of ending up a causality in the clash of the titans, I had to act quickly. I looked around and noticed down the aisle an end cap stocked high with the prized ceramic trophy. I pulled one off and hurried back to the scene and as polite as pie said to fat ass #1 “here ya go lady.” She turned and looked at me like I had a dick dangling off of my forehead. Without a word she took the crockpot from me and placed it in her cart and quietly walked away with her too tight shorts ever so slowly creeping steadily up her ass crack and babies in tow. Fat ass #2 who was an opportunist from the beginning made a beeline outta there when I distracted fat ass #1. And me? Well I got my whisk and vowed never to return to this wretched place again.