Return to LJ Day: Accepting the Loner
This year has been a wild ride, but it feels like it's calming down for now *knocks wood*
I've learned quite a bit about myself this year, mainly thanks to therapy, but also having lots of time to sit and stare in the mirror, trying to work it out. Where I went wrong, mistakes I made, what could have been avoided, what could have been managed better, what caught me off-guard, and what to do with those aspects of myself that stubbornly refuse to adapt or improve.
One aspect that I became evident upon reflection is my default setting as a Loner. I know I put out this persona of being loud, being centre-stage, and constantly surrounded by people. This is a persona that I had to create and nurture over many, many years. There is definitely a part of me that needs this kind of expression, but there is also a side of me that requires solace and solitude.
This is a part of my internal forest that I tend to retreat to when I'm feeling stressed, angry, sad, or frustrated. It's not a bright place: it's dark and over-grown, with vines that are constantly trying to pull me down beneath the cool, still earth. It can be a quiet place for reflection, but when I spend too much time in it, the darkness of depression creeps in, making it difficult to climb out and be a productive human again.
I'm realizing that in the past 10 years, I retreated to this place far too often instead of facing what was happening and taking action on what was happening. When I did this, I became the sullen Loner, abandoning my partner. I was always trying to "ride out" whatever was happening, hoping we'd get to a better place and flourish. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be stalwart. I wanted to not give up, keeping my eye on the prize. I wanted to somehow carry her, our lives, and bury all my own issues until things were better. I knew it was a mistake while I did it, but I wanted to do the Right Thing, be the Strong Man, be the man she needed.
And then when she was stable and back on top of things, she would carry me for as long as I needed to be whole again. But as it turns out (as my therapist pointed out repeatedly), relationships are not about investments and withdrawals. The results prove to me that this is not the right way to approach a relationship, but I'm still struggling with rejecting this idea.
At this point, it's been almost 8 months since the break-up. I'm starting to go on dates again, but they are very light, simple dates. Anytime anyone expresses any strong interest, I freak-out and retreat. I just don't feel ready to get into anything serious or time/thought-consuming. I'm so deadly afraid that my Loner monster will just reappear and I'll be a disappointment or hurt anyone who tries to get close.
I realize that I'm just retreating again like I did with my partner. It's difficult to know what to do.
I've learned quite a bit about myself this year, mainly thanks to therapy, but also having lots of time to sit and stare in the mirror, trying to work it out. Where I went wrong, mistakes I made, what could have been avoided, what could have been managed better, what caught me off-guard, and what to do with those aspects of myself that stubbornly refuse to adapt or improve.
One aspect that I became evident upon reflection is my default setting as a Loner. I know I put out this persona of being loud, being centre-stage, and constantly surrounded by people. This is a persona that I had to create and nurture over many, many years. There is definitely a part of me that needs this kind of expression, but there is also a side of me that requires solace and solitude.
This is a part of my internal forest that I tend to retreat to when I'm feeling stressed, angry, sad, or frustrated. It's not a bright place: it's dark and over-grown, with vines that are constantly trying to pull me down beneath the cool, still earth. It can be a quiet place for reflection, but when I spend too much time in it, the darkness of depression creeps in, making it difficult to climb out and be a productive human again.
I'm realizing that in the past 10 years, I retreated to this place far too often instead of facing what was happening and taking action on what was happening. When I did this, I became the sullen Loner, abandoning my partner. I was always trying to "ride out" whatever was happening, hoping we'd get to a better place and flourish. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be stalwart. I wanted to not give up, keeping my eye on the prize. I wanted to somehow carry her, our lives, and bury all my own issues until things were better. I knew it was a mistake while I did it, but I wanted to do the Right Thing, be the Strong Man, be the man she needed.
And then when she was stable and back on top of things, she would carry me for as long as I needed to be whole again. But as it turns out (as my therapist pointed out repeatedly), relationships are not about investments and withdrawals. The results prove to me that this is not the right way to approach a relationship, but I'm still struggling with rejecting this idea.
At this point, it's been almost 8 months since the break-up. I'm starting to go on dates again, but they are very light, simple dates. Anytime anyone expresses any strong interest, I freak-out and retreat. I just don't feel ready to get into anything serious or time/thought-consuming. I'm so deadly afraid that my Loner monster will just reappear and I'll be a disappointment or hurt anyone who tries to get close.
I realize that I'm just retreating again like I did with my partner. It's difficult to know what to do.