band
Im not sure how band directly relates to anything about life, but i know it does. Going to all these college presentations lately has made me think a lot about what i want to do with the rest of my life. i know that if i choose to keep up with band, it will only break apart the family life ive wanted for a long time now. i know that if i keep up with band it will take my time, my money, my life, my friends, and even my family. just like it had for the past few years. but i know that if i choose to just end it, and not continue on with it, i wont be able to forgive myself. ive put so much effort into making this my main concern. i cant think of one thing, inside or out of school, that ive put more time and dedication into. it doesnt matter if i planned it or not, band has become the one thing that has remained a constant in my life. its where i can go to just take my mind off of everything, because it takes so much of my concentration, that its very easy for me to find myself thinking only in notes, instead of words. this could be good or bad. i guess its good for my brain, but not so much for the social aspect of my life. i find myself running more and more to my music, because i know how to use it to forget about everything else. i know that when i play or march, everything else will slip my mind, and i will be so locked into thinking about what im doing, that my problems will disappear. ive learned that once you step into the band room, the other problems in your life are somewhere outside, and you cant do anything to help them until its time to leave. im not sure if i have other skills to cope with my problems. im not sure if i will ever be able to find something that can take my mind off of life, and help my focus on focusing as much as band has been able to. and it makes me scared to think that it will be over soon. i feel like im letting go of something that has taught me so much, and helped me through so much, because im scared of the sacrifices that it will require later in life. i feel like i will be letting myself down to just end it here. i just dont know how to continue it. taking it to the next level, would mean an unstable job, and life. it would mean, all of my time, and all of my energy would just be taken from me. i dont think i would mind. but how do you end a cycle like this? how do you leave it? band has taught me that you have to be able to feed off of the person next to you, the people around you and be like, were in this together. but also to understand that together, doesnt in anyway mean that you are dependent on anyone. you have to know when you need to follow behind someone and when you have to step up and have everyone follow you. and you cant lose sight of the fact that, no matter what happens, you are never stable. you always have to work for something. when you reach one goal, you have to keep moving, and start for another. as imperfect as i am, and believe me i am well aware of that, i know that its okay, because im working on it every second i get, and even every second i dont get. im just scared that without band, i wont be able to find something to work for. i may find many things to work on, but nothing to work for. i can be happy, yes, but i dont know if ill ever have this feeling again. im not sure how you leave something like this. how you can just be like, okay im done. and just stop, and forget about it. i guess you cant. i dont think ill ever be able to. im sure ill be old one day, and i wont remember where the 50 is, and i wont remember everyones names, but i wont be able to forget how it feels to work so hard, with so many people all towards one thing.