(no subject)
im starting to think more about whats been bothering me, which isnt a lot, but its enough to make me sad. and i dont like to do that, because thinking about things, for me atleast, has never been enough to make anything better. i dont know whats up. i know somethings wrong, but i cant put my finger on what. i have something bottled up inside, but im not sure what it is, let alone how to express it. everytime i feel like maybe sitting down and trying to sort out whats up, i just forget all together whats bothering me. but i still know its there, and its getting annoying. i feel really childish, because im not sure whats wrong, but i want things to be fixed. i think i just miss going out, and miss having "fun", on my terms. i miss being with people i care about, and im not sure whats come between us all, be it the holidays or relationships or maybe im just not fixed into a certain loop with dependable people. but i miss everyone. and i realize coming up sooner and sooner, that eventually im going to be very alone. and i want to fix that, and find people, but im picky. and even with that, im boring, and then ontop of that im just busy. not even busy, i just push people away a lot. because i want to save them for later or whatever. i want to put certain things on hold, because i have no care for them now, but what about later? and it worries me, because i want that backup. i dont want to be left alone, but im pushing everyone away. and just playing them, trying to keep everyone from getting twisted together into a huge pile of mushy crazy people. and im afraid of whats going to happen. i tell people i want to hang out, and then i dont. eventhough i do. even if i want to see them, and i have nothing else going on, and theyre my best friend. i tell them im busy. and then i sit here. and i type online, or i clean or i sleep. and now im getting scared, because its time for plans and im not one, nor never will be one to make any. i like people to tell me what im doing, and i dont like being alone. but im boring. noone wants to just sit around, or walk to a park. and i dont want to sit around with anyone, because with chicks its awkward and with guys it turns into something always. and i just dont like people that much. i dont like having to talk to people, when im in a relationship, i get scared around people, because girls just become weird and second best to me, and i cant just kiss the guy im hanging out with, so then i have to talk to him, and that takes a lot for me to talk to a guy im not with. i dont know, im just afraid to be alone, but im not putting effort into being with anyone.