More changes...maybe for the better?
It's odd how my life seems to be filling up. Okay, maybe it isn't odd to anyone else, the stuff I'm doing, but it feels odd--and a little scary--to me. So what have I done lately?
Well, thanks to the weird PTSD dreams, I've been feeling... watery. Not weepy, just weak, as if one more touch will break the surface tension, and all of me will come spilling out in a vital flood I'll never get back. It was beginning to annoy me.
So I was poking around on YouTube one day, and for whatever reason, did a search on martial arts. I learned there were dozens, if not hundreds, of videos showing katas, beginner's moves, more advanced forms, all different styles. So I hit the web, and found sites that talked about how to adapt martial arts forms for disabled people. Turns out krav maga is not the only martial art that can be adapted for the disabled.
So I gathered up as much information--verbal and video--as I could, made a file collection. And then I bought a bokken. It's pretty cheap, the hilt guard has a tendency to wander, and I'm still working on how to hold the thing. But I've done a few reps of the first very basic move. Man, did my shoulders hurt!
And it reminded me of being strong. Not body-strong, but strong in my body, if you see the difference. My dreams are still bad, but I can move into a different headspace now, and be strong there. A place inside myself where I am not a victim any more. Not even a survivor. Just concentrating on the form, on compensating for what's missing, for finding the spirit in the motion, like learning the mystery within a rune.
And taking the warm-up stretches far more seriously!
I've tried some new-to-me foods (Spanish grill opened up the street), I've bought books on drawing--mostly manga related, but some books on anatomy and landscapes. I found these titles by surfing through Deviant Art and reading artists' comments and suggestions. I've even started using my DA account. I've finished an original short story, the first non-fanfic I've written in months. I have plans for more.
When did I get a life? I know it looks very small right now, but it's bigger than it was this time last year. In print, it all looks so normal. So why does it feel so strange?
Well, thanks to the weird PTSD dreams, I've been feeling... watery. Not weepy, just weak, as if one more touch will break the surface tension, and all of me will come spilling out in a vital flood I'll never get back. It was beginning to annoy me.
So I was poking around on YouTube one day, and for whatever reason, did a search on martial arts. I learned there were dozens, if not hundreds, of videos showing katas, beginner's moves, more advanced forms, all different styles. So I hit the web, and found sites that talked about how to adapt martial arts forms for disabled people. Turns out krav maga is not the only martial art that can be adapted for the disabled.
So I gathered up as much information--verbal and video--as I could, made a file collection. And then I bought a bokken. It's pretty cheap, the hilt guard has a tendency to wander, and I'm still working on how to hold the thing. But I've done a few reps of the first very basic move. Man, did my shoulders hurt!
And it reminded me of being strong. Not body-strong, but strong in my body, if you see the difference. My dreams are still bad, but I can move into a different headspace now, and be strong there. A place inside myself where I am not a victim any more. Not even a survivor. Just concentrating on the form, on compensating for what's missing, for finding the spirit in the motion, like learning the mystery within a rune.
And taking the warm-up stretches far more seriously!
I've tried some new-to-me foods (Spanish grill opened up the street), I've bought books on drawing--mostly manga related, but some books on anatomy and landscapes. I found these titles by surfing through Deviant Art and reading artists' comments and suggestions. I've even started using my DA account. I've finished an original short story, the first non-fanfic I've written in months. I have plans for more.
When did I get a life? I know it looks very small right now, but it's bigger than it was this time last year. In print, it all looks so normal. So why does it feel so strange?