My genes have never fit me.
Long Distance Relationship: (noun.) A wet dream of a masochist.
So I opted to spend my day off from work with my mother because I'm often convinced that I love her. I now see this as another mistake, as I have met corpses much more interesting, and, simultaneously, less depressing than this fucking woman.
I'm sitting inside her house and it smells like piss and shit. Of human, animal, and possibly other origin. I hate it here. I hate that my sweet, brilliant little sister has to continue growing up here and that there's nothing I can do to help her. I hate that my parents are the two most incompetent people I've ever met, and that they make no effort to improve/better their stupid, dirty fucking lives.
I am currently dating somebody who comes from a completely different background and home than I do, and it's always been interesting to me to compare upbringings--I grew up reading a thesaurus for fun, laying on shitty carpet and shitty furniture, rescuing stray animals, and bringing sushi and apricot nectar to school for lunch in the same lunchbox that I used for 8+years. I was also mixed and Jewish in public school, which made quite the bit of difference.
Overall, I guess I've always been the same poor, brown, fucking freak.
The point is, I turn 19 years old in two days, and if there's one birthday resolution I'd like to make, it's to rise above the mound of shit I grew out of--so to speak. I want to be better than what I came from. I'm not going for a mansion, I'm not going for nice things, I just want some brevity. Some calm. Some grace. Some actual love, not 20 years of hate welded painfully together by some rings and a ceremony.
I just want (to be) SOMEthing. Something's better than nothing.
So I opted to spend my day off from work with my mother because I'm often convinced that I love her. I now see this as another mistake, as I have met corpses much more interesting, and, simultaneously, less depressing than this fucking woman.
I'm sitting inside her house and it smells like piss and shit. Of human, animal, and possibly other origin. I hate it here. I hate that my sweet, brilliant little sister has to continue growing up here and that there's nothing I can do to help her. I hate that my parents are the two most incompetent people I've ever met, and that they make no effort to improve/better their stupid, dirty fucking lives.
I am currently dating somebody who comes from a completely different background and home than I do, and it's always been interesting to me to compare upbringings--I grew up reading a thesaurus for fun, laying on shitty carpet and shitty furniture, rescuing stray animals, and bringing sushi and apricot nectar to school for lunch in the same lunchbox that I used for 8+years. I was also mixed and Jewish in public school, which made quite the bit of difference.
Overall, I guess I've always been the same poor, brown, fucking freak.
The point is, I turn 19 years old in two days, and if there's one birthday resolution I'd like to make, it's to rise above the mound of shit I grew out of--so to speak. I want to be better than what I came from. I'm not going for a mansion, I'm not going for nice things, I just want some brevity. Some calm. Some grace. Some actual love, not 20 years of hate welded painfully together by some rings and a ceremony.
I just want (to be) SOMEthing. Something's better than nothing.