Special Comment: "It Really, Really Does Get Better."
Well, after the recent suicides of the young men who were gay, I feel it necessary to say a few words here. Hello to everyone who finds this article, where ever and whenever you may find it. I'm simul-posting this both on my LiveJournal page, and at the forum boards at the JustUsBoys.com Gay Community.
In my high school experience I was no different than you probably are. Teased endlessly and mercilessly, without cause or provokation. I remember the harrassment, the being set up to take a fall, being preyed upon daily by classmates who didn't care, while teachers who didn't care looked the other way.
I had always known that I liked guys. But I tried to keep my mouth shut about it, trying not to cause any more grief for myself.
As I became a young adult, there was always this feeling inside that I couldn't shake, that no one truly understood how I felt about anything, No one got me, no one knew me. I know what it is to be in a crowded room and feel like you don't belong there.
For years, I couldn't shake this feeling inside. In fact, said feeling got progressively worse. I began to question my very existance, and whether it was necessary for me to continue going on. One night, after a particularly hard evening at a previous job, I had decided that enough was enough. I sat in my office, in my room at home, and counted out 40 sleeping pills. Yes, 40 sleeping pills. I had never done anything like that before, and I'm certainly not proud of it. But those actions are a part of me, now, and always will be; and I've learned to be OK with that.
As I began to count them out, and take them, I still asked myself and searched within my mind for a reason not to go through with it. But I did, indeed go through with it. I went to sleep around 11:30 that night. Later that night, at 1:00am, I woke up gasping for air, barely breathing, barely conscious, and barely still alive.
If I hadn't fought, willfully fought to stay awake enough to call 911 that night, if I hadn't willfully fought the overwhelming urge to go back to sleep...If I hadn't willfully chosen to be a powerful fighter, I'd be a corpse, right now.
I did succumb to the effects of the sleeping pills, and did spend a day and a half in ICU before I woke up again. The doctors said that, with as many pills as I took, that I theoretically shouldn't have made it. I'm literally a walking miracle. Call it God, Fate, or whatever - I never claim to have the market cornered on the answer to that. I am just thankful to have recovered with no permenant damage or side effects.
And the scariest part of the whole deal, is that for that first half-day that I did wake up, I had a completely sharp mind that was locked into a body laying in a bed hooked up to IVs and monitors. I was shipped to a mental hospital in Dallas to recover before going home. It was wonderful. I made some friends who accepted me for me. I even got to help the nurses and attendants with a couple of fellow patients. For the first time in my life, I had accepted what had been true all along...that I was a benefit to someone, that I was helping to make somebody's world a little better.
I got into a good local therapist (Thanks JM!) who got through to me that I wasn't alone in the world, who made me see just how strong I was. After I had described to him the details of my life, he literally told me that a lesser person would have caved and cracked years before I did. He made me see how inherently strong, and powerful, and good I was. And that I had a lot to offer the world. And that I couldn't walk away from that. And that's my message to you, my friend.
Tyler Clementi loved music, though no one will ever hear him play another note. And the world will lose out on that. Raymond Chase was studying culinary arts. Who knows if he would have been the next Wolfgang Puck, the next Tyler Florence, the next Gordon Ramsey. The world will never ever get to taste one of his creations. And will be lesser for it. These smart young guys had a lot to offer the world, including the fact that they had value and worth as human beings. But because they couldn't see past the hurt and pain that was inflicted upon them through no fault of their own, sadly, they took their own lives.
I know this because I have been there. I have been through the needless pain and suffering, and I have been back from the brink. I know it hurts now. The bullying, the inhumane treatment, the threats. And that the people in your life you should be able to fall back on couldn't care less. But it gets so much better. I know that I have the dream to go to college and study weather forecasting. I know that I am a smart, thoughtful, and loving person. I know that I am a strong young man with a good heart.
And you are, too! You are an individual, with value and worth. If there is anyone thinking about ending their life, please don't. I'm begging you. Please. Don't. You are a person with love and talents and tangible gifts to offer. And this world will be at a great loss without you in it. There is hope. There is healing. It does...it really, really does get better.
Your thoughts are welcome. Thanks.
In my high school experience I was no different than you probably are. Teased endlessly and mercilessly, without cause or provokation. I remember the harrassment, the being set up to take a fall, being preyed upon daily by classmates who didn't care, while teachers who didn't care looked the other way.
I had always known that I liked guys. But I tried to keep my mouth shut about it, trying not to cause any more grief for myself.
As I became a young adult, there was always this feeling inside that I couldn't shake, that no one truly understood how I felt about anything, No one got me, no one knew me. I know what it is to be in a crowded room and feel like you don't belong there.
For years, I couldn't shake this feeling inside. In fact, said feeling got progressively worse. I began to question my very existance, and whether it was necessary for me to continue going on. One night, after a particularly hard evening at a previous job, I had decided that enough was enough. I sat in my office, in my room at home, and counted out 40 sleeping pills. Yes, 40 sleeping pills. I had never done anything like that before, and I'm certainly not proud of it. But those actions are a part of me, now, and always will be; and I've learned to be OK with that.
As I began to count them out, and take them, I still asked myself and searched within my mind for a reason not to go through with it. But I did, indeed go through with it. I went to sleep around 11:30 that night. Later that night, at 1:00am, I woke up gasping for air, barely breathing, barely conscious, and barely still alive.
If I hadn't fought, willfully fought to stay awake enough to call 911 that night, if I hadn't willfully fought the overwhelming urge to go back to sleep...If I hadn't willfully chosen to be a powerful fighter, I'd be a corpse, right now.
I did succumb to the effects of the sleeping pills, and did spend a day and a half in ICU before I woke up again. The doctors said that, with as many pills as I took, that I theoretically shouldn't have made it. I'm literally a walking miracle. Call it God, Fate, or whatever - I never claim to have the market cornered on the answer to that. I am just thankful to have recovered with no permenant damage or side effects.
And the scariest part of the whole deal, is that for that first half-day that I did wake up, I had a completely sharp mind that was locked into a body laying in a bed hooked up to IVs and monitors. I was shipped to a mental hospital in Dallas to recover before going home. It was wonderful. I made some friends who accepted me for me. I even got to help the nurses and attendants with a couple of fellow patients. For the first time in my life, I had accepted what had been true all along...that I was a benefit to someone, that I was helping to make somebody's world a little better.
I got into a good local therapist (Thanks JM!) who got through to me that I wasn't alone in the world, who made me see just how strong I was. After I had described to him the details of my life, he literally told me that a lesser person would have caved and cracked years before I did. He made me see how inherently strong, and powerful, and good I was. And that I had a lot to offer the world. And that I couldn't walk away from that. And that's my message to you, my friend.
Tyler Clementi loved music, though no one will ever hear him play another note. And the world will lose out on that. Raymond Chase was studying culinary arts. Who knows if he would have been the next Wolfgang Puck, the next Tyler Florence, the next Gordon Ramsey. The world will never ever get to taste one of his creations. And will be lesser for it. These smart young guys had a lot to offer the world, including the fact that they had value and worth as human beings. But because they couldn't see past the hurt and pain that was inflicted upon them through no fault of their own, sadly, they took their own lives.
I know this because I have been there. I have been through the needless pain and suffering, and I have been back from the brink. I know it hurts now. The bullying, the inhumane treatment, the threats. And that the people in your life you should be able to fall back on couldn't care less. But it gets so much better. I know that I have the dream to go to college and study weather forecasting. I know that I am a smart, thoughtful, and loving person. I know that I am a strong young man with a good heart.
And you are, too! You are an individual, with value and worth. If there is anyone thinking about ending their life, please don't. I'm begging you. Please. Don't. You are a person with love and talents and tangible gifts to offer. And this world will be at a great loss without you in it. There is hope. There is healing. It does...it really, really does get better.
Your thoughts are welcome. Thanks.