All that Jazz

[jdawgactor]

I don't know why I am writing this, I find this thing painfully unnecessary. I mostly keep it around to check on you guys and what you post. But I just watched All That Jazz, and though many will write it off as a pretentious movie, I am indeed, myself, pretentious. I am working my ass off this summer, taking on 3 shows and a full time job scooping Ice Cream. Yet, I love it, the pressure is what drives me. I am in a musical (Once On This Island for the 4th time, but this time I am The God of Death), perhaps in a straight show (as of 12:46 early tuesday morning the cast list is still not posted) and I am directing and conceiving a musical of my own (with stolen music, changed lyrics, and a tongue in cheek look at community theater (no, not like Fame)) My friends come over at night, after rehearsals and I find that I cannot stop working. I feel every time I put on a movie, or take time reading a book that there is something that I could be using my time better for. I have been home for 3 weeks and I have not touched my pool, nor have I, regrettably, kept up with my friends at School, and that, I must say is a crime, because this year I finally found a group of kids I enjoyed and respected. Yet, even though I was excited about this new group of friends, I became someone I was not (and those who spent time with me this last semester know what I am talking about). I didn't feel comfortable with who I was showing to the world, I was too worried about making other people think that I was not worried about what they thought of me (re-read that one and maybe it will make sense). And here I am now, back home, and I have such strong feelings for people that I cannot express to them. I sat for 3 hours trying to get myself to call someone so we could go out. But I was so worried about where we would go, what we could do, how we could spend our time that I never dialed the number. Its a strange awkwardness that I am not used to. Maybe its just nerves, maybe its just pressure, but maybe...maybe I am lonely. Perhaps it is time I try a real relationship, and even if not a real one, at least going around with someone I call my girlfriend. But that doesn't fix things, that just brings on new problems, ones that I know I could not handle, specifically with my flirtatious ways. I am bad boyfriend material, because I don't know how to be something I am not. I find myself instead consistently trying to make impressions. I found a quote that got me started on this whole kick, after I watched All That Jazz and that is:
"In today's world, everything seems like some sort of long audition" ~ Bob Fosse.
Chew on that one, and be my psychiatrist if that's your thing, I know I like getting comments, because in reality, I am an actor and ADORE attention ;-)
p.s. if you took this as me being depressed, then you don't know me
p.s.s. Never watch too much "Sopranos", because you will be come INSANELY philosophical