Patiently waiting...

[jd_inflames]

Over the past few days I couldn't resist that heavy thinking that I had coming. Yes, I thought and I thought and I can admit it and I have admitted to a few. I actually 'like' someone, which is something that hasn't happened in years. If I've read her as well as I thought I have, she is what I've been looking for the whole time, which is probably why I'm so compelled to think about it...but I've already made a mistake. I told her I didn't want anything due to my schedual. I seriously sacrificed any THOUGHT of having any kind of life, just so that I could be alone and work my fingers to the bone. I don't think I've been more ashamed of my own ignorance as to pass up someone who actually has that intelligence and maturity that I feel is equal if not better than my own (which isn't as high as people keep thinking it is...). I am so afraid of letting myself go, that I am destroying myself internally yet again. It's going to drive me nuts until I finally get to sit down and talk with her again, but I won't let myself anymore.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Untill I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy