Ugh...
Drugged up on percocets, I really get to thinking. Maybe I don't know what I want neither. Between Tasha always keeping my head curious, and Brandi asking her friends how she should lead her life, I don't know what to do. I slept with Jess last night and it disgusted me. It really made me sick, like I had done something horribly wrong, even though by thought sake it wasn't an attack on morality by any means. It didn't feel right to me at all...The only people who feel right to me right now is Brandi, and the thought of Tasha which always burrows right into me. I want Brandi to help me forget, yet I want Tasha to do the same on the opposite spectrum. I don't want to be sick anymore. I did what I did with Jess to know how I felt about Brandi...to know what was real and what was what my head wanted me to think. I wanted to hear my heart, that little blackened thing that has remained quite for the past two years other than when Tasha beckons and twists it. That made me think that perhaps Brandi really could have opened me back up. There was so much potential building. If only she would have talked to me about her problems instead of trying to give up so abruptly she might have solved them. I can't say I expected any more or less, beings she has no experience with relationships so obviously has no knowledge of them...she just doesn't understand that you have to work your problems out. That was one of those problems that could have been handled, it wasn't a lost cause. I suppose you have to care about your convictions though...Commitments are a pain in the ass anyway.
Why can't I love? Why can't I be loved? Why am I saving myself for something I can't achieve? I hate that little 'L' word...
What have I done?
Where have I come from?
When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal
the loss that's become me?
Feeling undone
What have I become?
When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and
became this machine
Thoughtlessness
Selfishness
Hopelessness
Arrogant
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Shadows in the sun
Filter through us
Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child
Confession rejected
We grow up
To give up
People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back
Through the words of surrender
Emptiness
Loneliness
Listlessness
Worthless
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories
Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories
Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you
Surrender to the secretes...inside
Lies within you
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Can't feel you on the inside
Set down the bag and left it
Lost memory has left me
One again
Open up the inside
Admission for the cleansing
Now that I've forgotten to remember
Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you
Why can't I love? Why can't I be loved? Why am I saving myself for something I can't achieve? I hate that little 'L' word...
What have I done?
Where have I come from?
When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal
the loss that's become me?
Feeling undone
What have I become?
When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and
became this machine
Thoughtlessness
Selfishness
Hopelessness
Arrogant
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Shadows in the sun
Filter through us
Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child
Confession rejected
We grow up
To give up
People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back
Through the words of surrender
Emptiness
Loneliness
Listlessness
Worthless
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories
Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories
Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you
Surrender to the secretes...inside
Lies within you
I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?
Can't feel you on the inside
Set down the bag and left it
Lost memory has left me
One again
Open up the inside
Admission for the cleansing
Now that I've forgotten to remember
Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you