At least Cliff Robertson got another check
Herein rests JD'S Sublimely Snarky and Silly Recap of Spider-Man III. Shield your eyes, Frank.
AUDIENCE: Wow, the Marvel Studios logo sequence is cool. Hope it's not all downhill from there.
SPIDEY swings across TV screen apparently installed by the New York Citizens for Superhero Appreciation, who apparently have stuck a deal with the Mayor's Office to blanket the entirety of Manhattan with their propaganda throughout the entire film.
KIDS: Man, he's cool.
PETER PARKER: Man, I'm cool. Oh, I'm late to see MJ's new musical.
MARY JANE: *sings*
AUDIENCE: *flinches* Don't do that again!
MOVIE: I promise nothing.
PETER: That was fantastic!
AUDIENCE: This guy's supposed to be smart?
PETER and MJ sit on a web in the middle of Central Park, meteorite-gazing.
PETER and MJ: We're so deliriously happy.
METEORITE LESS THAN TWO FEET AWAY: Boom.
PETER and MJ: We didn't notice anything.
VENOM SYMBIOTE: *oozes out* Aha, this must be the dominant life-form! I shall bond with it.
MOPED: You daft git.
FLINT MARKO: *runs from police wearing orange jumpsuit, enters wife and daughter's house*
WIFE: Flint, you broke out of jail and are a fugitive, as I shall explain for the benefit of any headless members of the audience.
PENNY MARKO: *dying of Dramatic Syndrome, a melange of several non-specific symptoms* I still love you, Daddy. *gives locket*
FLINT: I'm a good guy.
POLICE: Isn't that that escaped confict?
FLINT: Crap. *runs through marsh, climbs over simple chain-link fence, falls into open-air pit with amazing particle-physics apparatus inside*
FLINT: Double crap.
SCIENTIST 1: Why do we have our experiment in the middle of a sandy pit in the middle of a marsh in the middle of what is apparently Manhattan?
SCIENTIST 2: Shut up, turn it on.
FLINT: Triple crap.
MACHINE: ZAP.
PETER: *rides moped home*
GOBLIN JR: *GRAB*
PETER: Wow, cool, a flying ninja!
HARRY/GOBLIN JR: You killed my father!
PETER: Not this again.
FIGHT SCENE: *terribly fast-paced and dizzying to the point where it's hard to discern even on a movie screen what is happening*
AUDIENCE: Spidey's fighting without his mask again.
MOVIE: Shut up, he didn't have time.
HARRY: I will kill you with my pumpkin bombs!
PETER: *pwns Harry*
HARRY: *ded*
PETER: DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, EVIL BFF!
DOCTOR: Harry's fine but he's lost his short-term memory.
AUDIENCE: So he's forgotten about half of the fight?
HARRY: Hi Pete. Is my dad dead or something?
PETER: I'm gonna go check your Doctor's credentials.
MARY JANE: I got a bad review!
AUDIENCE: *sarcastic* Nooooo!
PETER: Um, city in trouble, death and destruction...
MARY JANE: HUMPH! You NEVER care about my life!
GWEN STACY: Hi! I'm gonna go get in peril now falling off a very high place!
SPIDER-MAN: I guess I have to save you.
SPIDEY PURISTS: Neck snap! Neck snap!
SPIDER-MAN: *saves Gwen successfully*
SPIDEY PURISTS: Awwwww!
GWEN STACY: I love you, Spidey!
SPIDER-MAN: Whoa! You're Bryce Dallas Howard! I didn't even recognize you!
GWEN STACY: Can I make your girlfriend so jealous later?
SPIDER-MAN: Aren't you my...were...almost...argh! Multiple canons!
SANDMAN: I need money!
ARMORED CAR GUARDS: Couldn't you make truckloads appearing in movies or a circus or something?
SANDMAN: Shaddap.
SPIDER-MAN: I must stop you! Ow, sand is heavy. Okay don't go away mad!
EDDIE BROCK: Hi, I'm a total jerk.
AUDIENCE: We agree!
MARY JANE: Harry, I've been fired but I'm not gonna tell Peter.
HARRY: Okay! Who are you?
CITY: WE LOVE SPIDER-MAN!
PETER: This is cool.
STAN LEE: Hi, I'm here for by far the most pointless of all my cameos. Catchphrase! Bye...
PETER: WTF?
GWEN STACY: Hiiiiii Spider-Man! Here's the key to the city.
SPIDER-MAN: Hi, how about an upside-down snog for the cameras?
AUDIENCE: YOU IDIOT!
SEVERAL SMALL COUNTRIES: YOU IDIOT!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I'm not in this yet. Just popped in to say YOU IDIOT!
MARY JANE: *fumes*
PETER: Hi Maitre' D Bruce, I'm going to propose to MJ tonight.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: OUI! I am so French! L'amour!
PETER: Are you doing your Clouseau?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: NON!
MARY JANE: Peter, you're a moron. *leaves*
JAMES CROMWELL: Hi, I'm not in this. Oh, Sandman was who really killed Uncle Ben.
SPIDER-MAN: I must become emo now.
VENOM SYMBIOTE: I agree!
SANDMAN: I need more money, because donor Dramatic Organs are expensive.
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: It is SO time for pwnage.
SANDMAN: No, not moisturizer! AAAAGHHH...*gets flushed down drain*
DR. CURT CONNORS: Hi Peter. I can tell from a simple optical microscope this tiny blob of black stuff is an alien symbiote, it thrives on aggression, has a mind of its own, will be impossible to separate from the host after a while, can...
PETER: Kthxbye!
HARRY: Hi, I'm endearing! Omelette!
MARY JANE: At least you're endearing. Kiss. OMG OK BYE.
HARRY: Time for Angstboy to return? Is? Good!
WILLEM DAFOE: SNARL SNARL SNARL!
HARRY: What? What is it, boy? Spidey must die? Lead the way!
MARY JANE: Hi Peter, harry'sevil I just want you to know he'sforcingmetosaythis that I don't love you any more he'srightoverthere and stuff.
PETER: Okay, it's time.
AUDIENCE: NOOOO!!!
PETER: *prepares EMO HAIR!*
HARRY: Mine is an evil laugh!
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: *SERIOUS PWNAGE*
HARRY: Ow.
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: *blows up Harry for good measure*
EDDIE BROCK: Hi, I have a photo of Spider-Man stealing money! It's ridiculously out of character but JJ is SO gonna kiss my butt.
EMO PETER: Ha, PHOTOSHOP, son!
EDDIE BROCK: Crap!
EMO PETER: *does many totally silly and ridiculous Oh My Goodness His Personality Is So Different Things that the movie actually starts to become enjoyable*
AUDIENCE: *laughs*
EMO PETER: AUGH THIS STUFF IS MAKING ME WEAR IZOD! GET IT OFF! *goes to church bell tower, rips symbiote off*
SPIDEY PURISTS: FINALLY a concession to the comics!
EDDIE BROCK: God please help me kill Spider-Man! *symbiote falls on him*
VENOM: That'll work!
AUNT MAY: Hi Peter, I'm here to slow down the movie yet again!
PETER: Thanks. Can you get a girl back after you turned into an obnoxious lounge freak and accidentally struck her?
AUNT MAY: I wouldn't count on it.
VENOM: Hi Sandman. I'm really evil, want to join up?
SANDMAN: I'm only slightly evil, but...okay!
NEWSCASTER: Veteran hostage Mary Jane Watson is being held in a big black web above a huge pit of sand. We can only wonder what the situation is.
PETER: Harry, I need your help. Oh, you're alive.
HARRY: I hate you. Go away before you beat me again.
BUTLER: Harry, your father killed himself. Sorry I didn't tell you two movies ago.
HARRY: SHOOT.
VENOM, SANDMAN and SPIDER-MAN: *fight fight fight*
NEW YORK: Oh man, Spidey's gonna die! Do we have the backup Iron Man memorabilia ready yet?
HARRY: Hi I'm gonna save you!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh crap, what was I thinking?
SANDMAN: *gets pwned yet AGAIN*
HARRY: Hey we're winning!
VENOM: *spikes Harry*
HARRY: Ow, my Madonna impression!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh look, sound hurts Venom. And the church bells didn't clue me in before. *bangs aluminum pipes together*
VENOM: Noooooo!
EDDIE BROCK: Noooooo!
AUDIENCE: Venom can't be defeated! HE WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIE FOR FIVE MINUTES!
SPIDER-MAN: Bye.
PUMPKIN BOMB: Boom!
SANDMAN: Hi. I'm really good because I love my daughter and I did kill Uncle Ben but I really didn't even want to rob him but my Jean Reno-esque sidekick bumped me and the gun went off when I was cleaning it and I was in Austria at the time and I was only following orders. Um, my daughter's sick?
PETER: Go in peace and sin no more.
HARRY: Time for my tender death scene?
MARY JANE and PETER: Everything's perfectly fine and peachy we love each other and life is good, until the next villain. *dance the night away*
AUDIENCE: Bye Tobey and Kirsten. We'll always have...wait...
-JD
AUDIENCE: Wow, the Marvel Studios logo sequence is cool. Hope it's not all downhill from there.
SPIDEY swings across TV screen apparently installed by the New York Citizens for Superhero Appreciation, who apparently have stuck a deal with the Mayor's Office to blanket the entirety of Manhattan with their propaganda throughout the entire film.
KIDS: Man, he's cool.
PETER PARKER: Man, I'm cool. Oh, I'm late to see MJ's new musical.
MARY JANE: *sings*
AUDIENCE: *flinches* Don't do that again!
MOVIE: I promise nothing.
PETER: That was fantastic!
AUDIENCE: This guy's supposed to be smart?
PETER and MJ sit on a web in the middle of Central Park, meteorite-gazing.
PETER and MJ: We're so deliriously happy.
METEORITE LESS THAN TWO FEET AWAY: Boom.
PETER and MJ: We didn't notice anything.
VENOM SYMBIOTE: *oozes out* Aha, this must be the dominant life-form! I shall bond with it.
MOPED: You daft git.
FLINT MARKO: *runs from police wearing orange jumpsuit, enters wife and daughter's house*
WIFE: Flint, you broke out of jail and are a fugitive, as I shall explain for the benefit of any headless members of the audience.
PENNY MARKO: *dying of Dramatic Syndrome, a melange of several non-specific symptoms* I still love you, Daddy. *gives locket*
FLINT: I'm a good guy.
POLICE: Isn't that that escaped confict?
FLINT: Crap. *runs through marsh, climbs over simple chain-link fence, falls into open-air pit with amazing particle-physics apparatus inside*
FLINT: Double crap.
SCIENTIST 1: Why do we have our experiment in the middle of a sandy pit in the middle of a marsh in the middle of what is apparently Manhattan?
SCIENTIST 2: Shut up, turn it on.
FLINT: Triple crap.
MACHINE: ZAP.
PETER: *rides moped home*
GOBLIN JR: *GRAB*
PETER: Wow, cool, a flying ninja!
HARRY/GOBLIN JR: You killed my father!
PETER: Not this again.
FIGHT SCENE: *terribly fast-paced and dizzying to the point where it's hard to discern even on a movie screen what is happening*
AUDIENCE: Spidey's fighting without his mask again.
MOVIE: Shut up, he didn't have time.
HARRY: I will kill you with my pumpkin bombs!
PETER: *pwns Harry*
HARRY: *ded*
PETER: DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, EVIL BFF!
DOCTOR: Harry's fine but he's lost his short-term memory.
AUDIENCE: So he's forgotten about half of the fight?
HARRY: Hi Pete. Is my dad dead or something?
PETER: I'm gonna go check your Doctor's credentials.
MARY JANE: I got a bad review!
AUDIENCE: *sarcastic* Nooooo!
PETER: Um, city in trouble, death and destruction...
MARY JANE: HUMPH! You NEVER care about my life!
GWEN STACY: Hi! I'm gonna go get in peril now falling off a very high place!
SPIDER-MAN: I guess I have to save you.
SPIDEY PURISTS: Neck snap! Neck snap!
SPIDER-MAN: *saves Gwen successfully*
SPIDEY PURISTS: Awwwww!
GWEN STACY: I love you, Spidey!
SPIDER-MAN: Whoa! You're Bryce Dallas Howard! I didn't even recognize you!
GWEN STACY: Can I make your girlfriend so jealous later?
SPIDER-MAN: Aren't you my...were...almost...argh! Multiple canons!
SANDMAN: I need money!
ARMORED CAR GUARDS: Couldn't you make truckloads appearing in movies or a circus or something?
SANDMAN: Shaddap.
SPIDER-MAN: I must stop you! Ow, sand is heavy. Okay don't go away mad!
EDDIE BROCK: Hi, I'm a total jerk.
AUDIENCE: We agree!
MARY JANE: Harry, I've been fired but I'm not gonna tell Peter.
HARRY: Okay! Who are you?
CITY: WE LOVE SPIDER-MAN!
PETER: This is cool.
STAN LEE: Hi, I'm here for by far the most pointless of all my cameos. Catchphrase! Bye...
PETER: WTF?
GWEN STACY: Hiiiiii Spider-Man! Here's the key to the city.
SPIDER-MAN: Hi, how about an upside-down snog for the cameras?
AUDIENCE: YOU IDIOT!
SEVERAL SMALL COUNTRIES: YOU IDIOT!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I'm not in this yet. Just popped in to say YOU IDIOT!
MARY JANE: *fumes*
PETER: Hi Maitre' D Bruce, I'm going to propose to MJ tonight.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: OUI! I am so French! L'amour!
PETER: Are you doing your Clouseau?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: NON!
MARY JANE: Peter, you're a moron. *leaves*
JAMES CROMWELL: Hi, I'm not in this. Oh, Sandman was who really killed Uncle Ben.
SPIDER-MAN: I must become emo now.
VENOM SYMBIOTE: I agree!
SANDMAN: I need more money, because donor Dramatic Organs are expensive.
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: It is SO time for pwnage.
SANDMAN: No, not moisturizer! AAAAGHHH...*gets flushed down drain*
DR. CURT CONNORS: Hi Peter. I can tell from a simple optical microscope this tiny blob of black stuff is an alien symbiote, it thrives on aggression, has a mind of its own, will be impossible to separate from the host after a while, can...
PETER: Kthxbye!
HARRY: Hi, I'm endearing! Omelette!
MARY JANE: At least you're endearing. Kiss. OMG OK BYE.
HARRY: Time for Angstboy to return? Is? Good!
WILLEM DAFOE: SNARL SNARL SNARL!
HARRY: What? What is it, boy? Spidey must die? Lead the way!
MARY JANE: Hi Peter, harry'sevil I just want you to know he'sforcingmetosaythis that I don't love you any more he'srightoverthere and stuff.
PETER: Okay, it's time.
AUDIENCE: NOOOO!!!
PETER: *prepares EMO HAIR!*
HARRY: Mine is an evil laugh!
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: *SERIOUS PWNAGE*
HARRY: Ow.
BLACK SPIDER-MAN: *blows up Harry for good measure*
EDDIE BROCK: Hi, I have a photo of Spider-Man stealing money! It's ridiculously out of character but JJ is SO gonna kiss my butt.
EMO PETER: Ha, PHOTOSHOP, son!
EDDIE BROCK: Crap!
EMO PETER: *does many totally silly and ridiculous Oh My Goodness His Personality Is So Different Things that the movie actually starts to become enjoyable*
AUDIENCE: *laughs*
EMO PETER: AUGH THIS STUFF IS MAKING ME WEAR IZOD! GET IT OFF! *goes to church bell tower, rips symbiote off*
SPIDEY PURISTS: FINALLY a concession to the comics!
EDDIE BROCK: God please help me kill Spider-Man! *symbiote falls on him*
VENOM: That'll work!
AUNT MAY: Hi Peter, I'm here to slow down the movie yet again!
PETER: Thanks. Can you get a girl back after you turned into an obnoxious lounge freak and accidentally struck her?
AUNT MAY: I wouldn't count on it.
VENOM: Hi Sandman. I'm really evil, want to join up?
SANDMAN: I'm only slightly evil, but...okay!
NEWSCASTER: Veteran hostage Mary Jane Watson is being held in a big black web above a huge pit of sand. We can only wonder what the situation is.
PETER: Harry, I need your help. Oh, you're alive.
HARRY: I hate you. Go away before you beat me again.
BUTLER: Harry, your father killed himself. Sorry I didn't tell you two movies ago.
HARRY: SHOOT.
VENOM, SANDMAN and SPIDER-MAN: *fight fight fight*
NEW YORK: Oh man, Spidey's gonna die! Do we have the backup Iron Man memorabilia ready yet?
HARRY: Hi I'm gonna save you!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh crap, what was I thinking?
SANDMAN: *gets pwned yet AGAIN*
HARRY: Hey we're winning!
VENOM: *spikes Harry*
HARRY: Ow, my Madonna impression!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh look, sound hurts Venom. And the church bells didn't clue me in before. *bangs aluminum pipes together*
VENOM: Noooooo!
EDDIE BROCK: Noooooo!
AUDIENCE: Venom can't be defeated! HE WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIE FOR FIVE MINUTES!
SPIDER-MAN: Bye.
PUMPKIN BOMB: Boom!
SANDMAN: Hi. I'm really good because I love my daughter and I did kill Uncle Ben but I really didn't even want to rob him but my Jean Reno-esque sidekick bumped me and the gun went off when I was cleaning it and I was in Austria at the time and I was only following orders. Um, my daughter's sick?
PETER: Go in peace and sin no more.
HARRY: Time for my tender death scene?
MARY JANE and PETER: Everything's perfectly fine and peachy we love each other and life is good, until the next villain. *dance the night away*
AUDIENCE: Bye Tobey and Kirsten. We'll always have...wait...
-JD