Ok
the trigger tonite or rather today was hanging up on me then telling me "you waste my time." i am not sure...i think that i have seperated myself from it enough i totally lost control over nothing...but something
doug told me to hang on to the idea that something good will come out of this. i know that it will he called it a gapping hole...
i am not a waste of anyone's time and i just didn't appreciate it. i do and will learn how to handle that comment coming at me differently doug says i am human...whew the reaction that i gave today because of that was not human it was barbaric and i was in total survival mode...Lord forgive me for being offensive...i apologized to both guys on front desk I am not at all concerned about how they react anymore only want to know what caused that reaction in me. I am grateful that it did happen at aloha like doug said and not with the kids...i want to work with and for them so desperately i sure suck at relationships other than ones with young people...i am discouraged at this grown up thing right now and i am going to bed. i don't want to do my life alone anymore Lord...i miss my fucked up family and i hate that about me and i am so glad that doug, cheryl and barb are in my life...it seems to sorta have balance in it with these people in my life.
gonna talk to doug sometime this week-end about this and i know that he is ok and i just didn't want to make him ashamed of me that's all...i don't ever want anyone to be ashamed of me for my thoughts or actions...i can only pray that i did not give doug something to be ashamed of me for...thanks for another day and another huge lesson!!!!!
doug told me to hang on to the idea that something good will come out of this. i know that it will he called it a gapping hole...
i am not a waste of anyone's time and i just didn't appreciate it. i do and will learn how to handle that comment coming at me differently doug says i am human...whew the reaction that i gave today because of that was not human it was barbaric and i was in total survival mode...Lord forgive me for being offensive...i apologized to both guys on front desk I am not at all concerned about how they react anymore only want to know what caused that reaction in me. I am grateful that it did happen at aloha like doug said and not with the kids...i want to work with and for them so desperately i sure suck at relationships other than ones with young people...i am discouraged at this grown up thing right now and i am going to bed. i don't want to do my life alone anymore Lord...i miss my fucked up family and i hate that about me and i am so glad that doug, cheryl and barb are in my life...it seems to sorta have balance in it with these people in my life.
gonna talk to doug sometime this week-end about this and i know that he is ok and i just didn't want to make him ashamed of me that's all...i don't ever want anyone to be ashamed of me for my thoughts or actions...i can only pray that i did not give doug something to be ashamed of me for...thanks for another day and another huge lesson!!!!!