(no subject)
Feeling angry at my father this morning...
felt behind my little hangy-ball thing and it feels like something is stuck back there, like when i use to make myself throw up...it feels like something is stuck on the inside of my mouth and i can't get it out..that's why i am coughing at least this morning and also why i always feel like i can never clear my throat...like maybe sinus issues...ah great just what i need is another issue...just like charlene use to say "issue sounds like a turd..i have an issue" guess you had to hear it from her
craving sugar because it feels like madness in my head and yet i am not sure at what is going on in the head..
satan trying to kick me down fuck you satan the God i serve has won this round so kiss my ass and leave me alone just for a minute this morning...
though of zana and her tumor...where did it come from and what is is? wonder why brenda is such a flake and yet seems so intelligent. she won't walk with me for nothing yet made a point of calling yesterday, telling me some stupid jokes, saying she knows this day can be hard for some people and make a point to tell me she was walking with someone else..she can call me and lay all her drama on me and not do anything healthy with me and yet make a point of calling and telling me she has someone else to walk with she needs to leave me alone...start using her dbt skills and become a woman who is not so needy and can start giving back
so now that i have taken her inventory...she hurt my feelings yesterday and i didn't like it...wonder what day holds at aloha..wonder if lindy will be there to treat me like crap again and yet i am a christian so i will be decent to her when i really want to rip her head off...all those months i listended to her talk about how selfish and childish alex was andyet here is lindy can't even speak to me anymore because i snapped at her a month ago..blah blah blah get over the drama and grow the fuck up lindy...
then we come finally to what i am really pissed about..my day...the blood and life sucker of this family simply because he won't tell the truth...puke and more puke...how dare he and my mom to play along with it all these years telling me or not telling me that there was nothing she could do and yet she left every single night to get away from the crazyness she would later tell me...only to leave the crazy with three children and then what...the drinking, the nice sweet talk the making me feel like i was so damn special when all you ever wanted to do was hurt me...who the hell do you think you are...the pain, the seering pain both physical and emotional only to have 35 years later one more time nobody believes me...i am not the one who is lying then to grow up in the dogma of the church honor thy mother and father went way out of context and yet why not we were being taught that by an alcoholic priest who loved his liqour more than i even think he loved jesus
and flash herer we are 40 years later from when the abuse first started and here i am in seattle with my head spinning around and around wondering exactly how a man can live with himself and his lies and oh yea the wife the wife that is not excaping the crazy anymoe...or is she...she has been slooshed according to my neices every time they talk to her in the evening they call that retirement my dear sweet neices...the ONLY reason i told them is because of their children and they even stoped talking with me for a moment...now everything seems to be restored between us and i don't understand why dad and i can't do that..the truth isout and now let's really practice what you preach and put it in the past for once and all by moving on...can't put things in the past when you are still angry about your daughter not telling the truth...
my number one friend...the person i would have rather been around than anyone else in the entire universe and now somehow that seems all tainted...all one big lie...so who do i love more than anyone on the planet..maybe tammy maybe rydell or hey how about God..not sure about that this morning...i miss my dad, i miss my friend but because of his betrayal it can never be the same again EVER man i loved him so...
i am not turning to any addiction these days...my mom and dad have alcohol and what does the one who had to survive years of abuse at the hands of the ones who are suppoe to love you the most what does she turn to to numb life in her head...she is not at all sure this morning and yet she will continue to go through the motions even though it feels like she is watching herself live her life this morning...she will continue to put one step forward and go about her life trusting God and loving those around her the best she can...she will live her life...
her parents are choosing to stay stuck and numb...
not really much of a choice for her....anymore
felt behind my little hangy-ball thing and it feels like something is stuck back there, like when i use to make myself throw up...it feels like something is stuck on the inside of my mouth and i can't get it out..that's why i am coughing at least this morning and also why i always feel like i can never clear my throat...like maybe sinus issues...ah great just what i need is another issue...just like charlene use to say "issue sounds like a turd..i have an issue" guess you had to hear it from her
craving sugar because it feels like madness in my head and yet i am not sure at what is going on in the head..
satan trying to kick me down fuck you satan the God i serve has won this round so kiss my ass and leave me alone just for a minute this morning...
though of zana and her tumor...where did it come from and what is is? wonder why brenda is such a flake and yet seems so intelligent. she won't walk with me for nothing yet made a point of calling yesterday, telling me some stupid jokes, saying she knows this day can be hard for some people and make a point to tell me she was walking with someone else..she can call me and lay all her drama on me and not do anything healthy with me and yet make a point of calling and telling me she has someone else to walk with she needs to leave me alone...start using her dbt skills and become a woman who is not so needy and can start giving back
so now that i have taken her inventory...she hurt my feelings yesterday and i didn't like it...wonder what day holds at aloha..wonder if lindy will be there to treat me like crap again and yet i am a christian so i will be decent to her when i really want to rip her head off...all those months i listended to her talk about how selfish and childish alex was andyet here is lindy can't even speak to me anymore because i snapped at her a month ago..blah blah blah get over the drama and grow the fuck up lindy...
then we come finally to what i am really pissed about..my day...the blood and life sucker of this family simply because he won't tell the truth...puke and more puke...how dare he and my mom to play along with it all these years telling me or not telling me that there was nothing she could do and yet she left every single night to get away from the crazyness she would later tell me...only to leave the crazy with three children and then what...the drinking, the nice sweet talk the making me feel like i was so damn special when all you ever wanted to do was hurt me...who the hell do you think you are...the pain, the seering pain both physical and emotional only to have 35 years later one more time nobody believes me...i am not the one who is lying then to grow up in the dogma of the church honor thy mother and father went way out of context and yet why not we were being taught that by an alcoholic priest who loved his liqour more than i even think he loved jesus
and flash herer we are 40 years later from when the abuse first started and here i am in seattle with my head spinning around and around wondering exactly how a man can live with himself and his lies and oh yea the wife the wife that is not excaping the crazy anymoe...or is she...she has been slooshed according to my neices every time they talk to her in the evening they call that retirement my dear sweet neices...the ONLY reason i told them is because of their children and they even stoped talking with me for a moment...now everything seems to be restored between us and i don't understand why dad and i can't do that..the truth isout and now let's really practice what you preach and put it in the past for once and all by moving on...can't put things in the past when you are still angry about your daughter not telling the truth...
my number one friend...the person i would have rather been around than anyone else in the entire universe and now somehow that seems all tainted...all one big lie...so who do i love more than anyone on the planet..maybe tammy maybe rydell or hey how about God..not sure about that this morning...i miss my dad, i miss my friend but because of his betrayal it can never be the same again EVER man i loved him so...
i am not turning to any addiction these days...my mom and dad have alcohol and what does the one who had to survive years of abuse at the hands of the ones who are suppoe to love you the most what does she turn to to numb life in her head...she is not at all sure this morning and yet she will continue to go through the motions even though it feels like she is watching herself live her life this morning...she will continue to put one step forward and go about her life trusting God and loving those around her the best she can...she will live her life...
her parents are choosing to stay stuck and numb...
not really much of a choice for her....anymore