My dad's "73"
Well I talked to him this morning and I sent him a really nice birthday card.
I noticed I still can't tell him I love him. Does that mean that I haven't "forgiven him" all the way? (whatever that means?)
I think because I am a Christian I am trying to do the right thing and "forgive him" and I have made or rather God and I have made great strides toward that however...I feel like I am doing it out of obligation. I mean I don't think I feel angry with him (so much) as I do dis-belief, I think these days when I think about it which isn't very often anymore...I wonder how he could have had any physical contact with him? How could he have done that?
I also wonder if deep down in his heart he loves me because I am "his daughter" or I just wonder why my parents had us kids in general...I mean they are pretty fucked up themselves was the society pull on people in 1955 to get married so strong that they just went ahead and "did it" they have both confessed or rather my mom confessed, that they were not in love with each other when they got married...they were both in love with other people so I just wonder what kinda pull society really had back then? Why marry someone if you don't love them? I don't get it...then to have 5 kids on top of that???? 2 of which you have sexual relations with before they are even old enough to say sexual relations...
I had a dream the other night, at least I think it was a dream, I was 12 (I think) and you came into my room and crawled into bed with me...it was in the basement of 9th street and I still make myself wake up from these dreams because if I don't I get too weird...did you know that you were not suppose to be doing that...that it's probably a good idea that a grown man stay out of his 12 year old daughters bed? Do you have any concept of that? And if you don't, you truly, truly don't why not? Did God not give to you a conscious? Do you not have the same Holy Spirit in you as I do? You say you are a Christian then that automatically means you have the Holy Spirit in you so...what were you thinking?
This is why I don't ponder forgiving my dad much because it always leads to question upon question that will never be answered and it just messes with me and my day so\let me just say Happy Birthday (heartfelt) I am glad that God created you because without you there would be no me...and I am glad there is a me most of the time these days. I love my life inspite of what you did to me and because God loves me even though I am "flawed" by mans standards I love God and I thank you God for loving me and for making me "fearfully and wonderfully!"
I noticed I still can't tell him I love him. Does that mean that I haven't "forgiven him" all the way? (whatever that means?)
I think because I am a Christian I am trying to do the right thing and "forgive him" and I have made or rather God and I have made great strides toward that however...I feel like I am doing it out of obligation. I mean I don't think I feel angry with him (so much) as I do dis-belief, I think these days when I think about it which isn't very often anymore...I wonder how he could have had any physical contact with him? How could he have done that?
I also wonder if deep down in his heart he loves me because I am "his daughter" or I just wonder why my parents had us kids in general...I mean they are pretty fucked up themselves was the society pull on people in 1955 to get married so strong that they just went ahead and "did it" they have both confessed or rather my mom confessed, that they were not in love with each other when they got married...they were both in love with other people so I just wonder what kinda pull society really had back then? Why marry someone if you don't love them? I don't get it...then to have 5 kids on top of that???? 2 of which you have sexual relations with before they are even old enough to say sexual relations...
I had a dream the other night, at least I think it was a dream, I was 12 (I think) and you came into my room and crawled into bed with me...it was in the basement of 9th street and I still make myself wake up from these dreams because if I don't I get too weird...did you know that you were not suppose to be doing that...that it's probably a good idea that a grown man stay out of his 12 year old daughters bed? Do you have any concept of that? And if you don't, you truly, truly don't why not? Did God not give to you a conscious? Do you not have the same Holy Spirit in you as I do? You say you are a Christian then that automatically means you have the Holy Spirit in you so...what were you thinking?
This is why I don't ponder forgiving my dad much because it always leads to question upon question that will never be answered and it just messes with me and my day so\let me just say Happy Birthday (heartfelt) I am glad that God created you because without you there would be no me...and I am glad there is a me most of the time these days. I love my life inspite of what you did to me and because God loves me even though I am "flawed" by mans standards I love God and I thank you God for loving me and for making me "fearfully and wonderfully!"