2212015
I am trapped in her web again...she keeps me awake when I should sleep and she doesn't even know it! I write poetry and short passionate stories that will never see the light of day...I empty my broken soul onto the paper hoping for a release that will never come...It's the worst kind of heart break...no one knows it's there...no one sees...not even her. Why does she have to be so damn beautiful...talented...fucking amazing!? How could she so easily enchant my soul and not be effected? My heart is broken into a thousand pieces...She did nothing...It's not her fault...a thousand years ago it seems, she enchanted my soul...She didn't even try...didn't even break a sweat...she sang to me...kissed my mouth...cuddled in the chair...I've seen her work harder charming the cashier at the store...so why can they give her a smile and laugh it off when I fall deeper into the abyss of Love I have for her...I thought all was fine...that it was my problem to deal with...but how can I pledge my eternal servitude to her...how can the very beat of my heart only sound for her and her head not be moved? Not the slightest bit...she falls over and over...she falls for people who are so obviously not her meant to be...but still she falls...and here I sit in the dark and lonely cell that I've created by loving her with every ounce of myself and being forever denied that which I desire most! Everything I do I do it for you! It's not a fucking song it is my life and she take no notice...How I can mean everything and nothing to her at the same time, is beyond me! I don't understand...my heart is broken for want of her and I wonder, given the opportunity, what she would really repay...what she would go with out to see MY dream a reality...she doesn't need to sweat it...I don't have a dream, but I don't know that I can see her making the same kinds of sacrifices for me that I make for her...I find myself wondering how much is too much...how long will I be a slave to your every whim...She enchanted my soul and I both fear and hope that I will never be the same again.
How many times will I write this story? How many times before the ending changes? I have said I just want her to be happy and if she's happy I'm happy...it's so close and yet so far from the truth...You see I've realized that I just want to be happy too...and not necessarily with her...just happy...and i DO want her to be happy...but the "if she's happy I'm happy" It's bullshit! It's so far from the truth that it's laughable...her happiness does not complete me and It shouldn't...She only finds her happiness in the arms of another woman and it's like a knife wound to my chest...I could be happy...if it were legit love with someone that she had a future with...I could be happy for her and I could be free to find my own happiness...but we all know it won't last and I'll have to scrape her off the floor again remind her of how beautiful and amazing she is and watch her do the same thing all over again...all while never noticing me...I am so pathetic...desperately longing for someone I know I can never have...but dammit she's the one that crossed the line! Why make me love her if she knew she'd never reciprocate? It has been so close to a year already and I fear I will never be free of her web! I love her so much...I try to define it...explain it...but words fail me...they do no justice to describing how great my love is for her...I would do ANYTHING for her absolutely ANYTHING but on these sad and sleepless nights I wish it were a lie...I wish there were a switch that I could just easily turn off and be done with it...my body is wracked with pain from my various health issues...my heart is shattered...my soul is sick and the emotional pain is staggering...More often than not I find myself longing for an end I fear will never come...That blissful silent darkness of death...lately THAT is my biggest fantasy
How many times will I write this story? How many times before the ending changes? I have said I just want her to be happy and if she's happy I'm happy...it's so close and yet so far from the truth...You see I've realized that I just want to be happy too...and not necessarily with her...just happy...and i DO want her to be happy...but the "if she's happy I'm happy" It's bullshit! It's so far from the truth that it's laughable...her happiness does not complete me and It shouldn't...She only finds her happiness in the arms of another woman and it's like a knife wound to my chest...I could be happy...if it were legit love with someone that she had a future with...I could be happy for her and I could be free to find my own happiness...but we all know it won't last and I'll have to scrape her off the floor again remind her of how beautiful and amazing she is and watch her do the same thing all over again...all while never noticing me...I am so pathetic...desperately longing for someone I know I can never have...but dammit she's the one that crossed the line! Why make me love her if she knew she'd never reciprocate? It has been so close to a year already and I fear I will never be free of her web! I love her so much...I try to define it...explain it...but words fail me...they do no justice to describing how great my love is for her...I would do ANYTHING for her absolutely ANYTHING but on these sad and sleepless nights I wish it were a lie...I wish there were a switch that I could just easily turn off and be done with it...my body is wracked with pain from my various health issues...my heart is shattered...my soul is sick and the emotional pain is staggering...More often than not I find myself longing for an end I fear will never come...That blissful silent darkness of death...lately THAT is my biggest fantasy